A mom is wracked by guilt for letting her son wait in the car…at an age he could easily have opened the door himself if he was hot. As she writes in Yahoo Parenting:
I left my kid, 7, and my dog locked alone in our Jeep for about 10 minutes a few weeks ago — and I still feel guilty about it.
The drive-through at my bank was out-of-service. I turned around to the backseat to face my son, Jack, and said, “Dude, stay put. You’re in charge of Lucy.” I cracked my passenger side front window a little under an inch for fresh air, and locked them both in. They were always in my eyes view through the big double-glass doors.
While stopped at a red light on the way home, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my beautiful boy and loyal pup sharing licks of a green lollipop from the bank — and it hit me. What if somebody stole my car? What if somebody hurt my child? These are the most important, precious people (I consider Lucy a human) in my life. I’m never doing this again — even if I can see them while they wait alone.
Why not??? Why NOT do something that is statistically, historically and obviously safe? The writer goes on to say that many if not most moms admit they have done something like this, as if they all secretly burglarized jewelry stores, but just don’t like to talk about it.
Being sane about the world should not be considered an evil parenting attribute!
63 Comments
Most communities have laws that kids under a certain age cannot be left in a car for even a minute. Because of the parents who leave kids in cars while they go to bars or movies. Thanks nanny state!!!
She considers her dog to be a human and lets the dog and child share a lollipop. Seems to me leaving them in the car for a few minutes is the least of her worries.
As long as we’re confessing our parenting sins to the internet, here goes:
This past Tuesday, I fed my children warm fascnachts for breakfast instead of their usual nutritious meal. What if their perfect little bodies didn’t performing optimally at school and what if my decision led them to get the wrong test answer because of the trans fat/sugar coma they were in for most of the morning?
I’m never doing this again.*
*sarcasm font
I have no problem with a parent coming to a decision that they realize works best for them. We all have our own deal. We all do things (or don’t do things) because of how they make us feel and they aren’t all based in statistical findings. I do, however, dislike that she’s using a ‘parenting forum’ to project that onto others.
The “never again” in these situations is really telling. Really, never ever again? When he’s thirteen is she still going to be worried about somebody stealing the car with him in it? This is where the irrationality shows itself. It would be another thing to say, “he’s not ready yet” or “I’m not ready yet,” but “never again” makes it clear these decisions are based on a cloud of fear and anxiety, not reality.
Mike,
Why is that? Hate to inform you, but it is safer for the dog to lick the sucker, than for you to share it with your kid.
And the bond between people and their pets can be stronger than between humans. If you don’t like that, fine. But do not judge others. Even more so. The bond that Lucy and that child will have growing up together will probably be stronger than any bond that you could have with a person. Why do people constantly underestimate people’s bonds with animals.
Anway, now that Mike has been dealt with.
I cannot imagine a car thief wanting a car with a kid in it, let alone a kid and a dog. I know our dogs would do some damage to a would be thief, and thieves do not take those kinds of risks.
Haha, the irony is that she is driving him around in the CAR, a circumstance where he is far more likely to be injured in an accident than being in a parked car. If she really cared, she wouldn’t have driven him to the bank.
Whatever, this is just some “patting myself on the back for being a good parent” martyr nonsense.
Obviously the woman has mental problems. I know that lots of dog owners love their pets and treat them as a family member, but I think only mentally impaired people think of their dogs as “human”. She needs to step back and think about what are the chances that somebody is evil/deranged enough to steal a car with a kid AND a dog in it in broad daylight. I don’t think there’s anybody out there who would ever say, “Which car should I steal? Hmmm, let’s see, OH, if I steal this one, I get a bonus kid and dog to go with it!”
Seriously. She needs professional help.
I routinely leave my 8 year old child in the car at the post office – she’d rather sit and read her book or listen to the radio. I used to do it at Walgreen’s too, but then she got wise to the snacks inside and opted to come in most times. If it’s going to be longer than a few minutes, or it it’s really hot, I make her come in. But otherwise, I leave her to her preferences.
I too thought how the kid was in the giant metal death contraption known as a car. I’ll confess: I let my almost 2 – year – old roam the backyard for a bit at a time without watching her and I will run into stores for a few minutes, but I still have mild nerves about simply driving her around in the car.
I guess she didn’t consider the opposite scenario, her beloved being safer in the car. Last year in Stockton California a mom (Misty Holt-Singh) left her daughter in the car while she ran an errand at the bank and she was kidnapped by bank robbers and subsequently shot and killed by police while her daughter remained safe in the car.
Another parent who believes in “magic presence rays” that protect her kid.
Yeah, so there’s some insane criminal hardened enough to snatch a kid in full view of the parent, but if she’d BEEN THERE he wouldn’t have done it.
Or else she believes she can physically fight off anyone who might want to hurt her child. Possibly, but not likely.
Warren, it must truly have been rewarding to “deal” with me. You did so, though, with irrelevant, if not misleading, statements. Sure it might be safer to share saliva with a dog than a person but that doesn’t mean it is a good or safe idea. It is safer to jump in front of a moving car than a freight train but I would suggest you do neither.
As for bonds between people and animals. It is truly amazing that you seem to know my opinions on that subject even without having even the slightest clue what you are talking about. You don’t know me, nor do you know whether I have pets, children or both and if I do what the bonds between the various parts of my family might or might not be yet you tell me not to judge others.
Anyway, much as I hated doing it, it was somewhat fun dismissing you entirely.
What if? What if? What if? What if an asteroid came soring down from the heavens and struck this lady’s car while her children were inside of it, unattended? Seems as if this mother has been brainwashed by the “children can never be safe enough” media we have here in the United States.
Hmm, it seems to me just another trollish post just to get people’s reaction. I guess I’m glad the topic is controversial, vs. a settled fact that your 7yo is gonna DIE if he’s alone in the car for a minute.
Lately I’ve been wondering what the cut-off age is nowadays for unaccompanied kids to not automatically inspire worry and outrage. It seems to me that kids over 6 or 7 are *usually* considered big enough to look after themselves for a short time period, whether in or out of a car.
Aaargh! I read that yesterday and the comments were even worse! I had to quit reading. One person said that parents (basically of the free-range variety but she didn’t call it that) support each other because they are lazy but feel guilty about it and need to justify their behavior. That’s paraphrased. But wasn’t this writer so proud to be humble?! Anything for attention I guess.
Is it ok to LOCK a 7 y.o. in a car? This mom does not trust her son enough to leave him unlocked.
Mike, your first and very judgemental comment tells me all I need to know about someone like you.
Some people decide to let irrational fears over power their brain. There is a certain breaking point where the over protection begins to do more harm than good. If something had happened to her kid/dog in the car that day, it still wouldn’t have been her fault, but she would never agree with that, I’m sure.
I have to say I find it difficult to leave my 8yo girls in the car. The reason is that they remember being approached by a cop when I left them in there for 2.5 minutes when they were in 2nd grade. Now they are afraid I will be arrested if they sit in the car alone. Not sure what to do about that.
JesH,
Your story just made my stomach drop. I actually saw the “I left my kid in the car…” article last week and responded that I had a classmate who lost her mom in a bank robbery. The lookout in the robbery was shooting everyone coming through the door. My classmate had an 11 year old brother who got away unscathed, because he was left sitting in the car that day. But we can’t let fear control our lives. That I don’t let that keep me from bringing my daughter into a bank. And likewise her fear shouldn’t keep her from leaving her kid outside of the bank.
Besides which, really, a bank in broad daylight … a place likely to have cameras, and one where people come and go quickly. That has to be the worst location in town to try to steal a car.
Needless to say, despite the gut wrenching memories this story dredges up, I look back on the several times I have taken my daughter into the bank, and I have no regret. I will do it again.
Lenore, this post, like so many of your posts, BEGS for a link to O. Henry’s Ransom of Red Chief.
(Mike and Warren…don’t make me come back there!)
Warren,
You may be underestimating the stupidity of the average criminal
@SKL said “Now they are afraid I will be arrested if they sit in the car alone. Not sure what to do about that.”
I would research your state laws and county CPS guidelines. In my county CPS distinctly has an age under which a kid can’t be left anywhere, and over which they are fine. The line is 8 in my county as it is with most that I have perused. If you are in the clear, seeing the county advice would have a good chance of soothing them, that mom will be safe. If it isn’t quite enough, and there are other issues like them being afraid to go out and play, I would ask them if they would feel better with ID and a printout of the guidelines.
The very first thing people should do is stop reading “how to parent” web sites.
Whenever people start going down WhatIF Street they keep going and never come back. A scenic street but honestly no one wants to live there with all the possibilities.
Beating yourself up over something that did not happen is a waste of precious time and resources to me, if something DID happen then yes I could see revisiting it to learn a lesson on what not to do. In a case like this is the peer pressure getting to this Mom that she is not perfect, THAT is what really needs to change. The feelings of inadequacy for when you do something outside the norm that is not dangerous and does not cause harm.
@Brooks,
For the last three years I’ve told practically every pregnant woman I’ve known “Stay away from parenting mags, books, blogs, etc, they will turn you into a nervous wreck.”
At first the reaction was… “that’s strange advice” then it became “funny, someone else told me that too.” Last month I said it again, and the woman replied “Oh I do, that’s what everyone says!”
@Max. Locked doors do not equal locked in. My parents always locked the doors when they left me in the car. And I got out fine the one time it got too hot. I always figured if a bad guy tried to steal our car the locked doors would delay him a bit and give me a little warning, so I could slide out the other side of the car (what can I say, I was a worrier even as a kid).
This is Sanctimommy speak for “I will do basic tasks as inconveniently as possible to quell the irrational fears in my head. I will tell everyone I know to feel better.”
If I am to understand her “Never again”, is she planning on taking the scowling 7 year-old AND Lucy the human dog hybrid into the bank with her? Or will she just never do the errand and stop leaving the house?
Visions of boy and running dogs playing Frogger with bank customers in parking lot run through my head.
My favorite “Never” :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1Z91YkPatw
When weighing my options between taking my five (almost six) year old into the sub-zero freezing rain, or leaving her for five minutes while I picked up some milk, I chose snuggled in a blanket with my iPhone for company. She barely registered my absence. Save the drama and the affected guilt…go with common sense every time. I’m sure I haven’t damaged my kid for life!! 😀
Ohh I see but I also can understand her need.. she needed to get the money and and the atm was broken, obviously she could have lost some minutes and to another one, but I also understand that she needed to do something at that moment.
Thankfully I never needed to leave my kid alone at the car alone, and if I needed I just avoided the situation.
But I understand the guilt of that woman
Best
Maca
What if you took your son in (unfortunately the other “human” will still need to wait in the car) and the bank was robbed? Or an earthquake caused the building to collapse? Or a fire broke out? Or the person in line in front of you had ebola?
Which makes me wonder – does this irrational guilt work like that? Do parents whose kids are killed by freak occurrences while in their presence have this sense of guilt? If their child is killed during a bank robbery, do they really spend their life actually feeling guilty about going to the bank? I don’t mean wishing that they had never gone to the bank that day – I assume they have moments of that – but actual blame put on themselves for not having direct deposit?
David,
Tell you what. Come into my truck and try to steal it with one or more of my dogs in it. They don’t make it impossible, but they do make it noisey and troublesome.
If you honestly think that a car thief that tries to open a vehicle door, and is met with a barking dog, is going to continue his or her efforts, you really need to understand these people better. They do not want to attract attention.
I have said it before. Steal a car and a report is taken, and you may be lucky to get a “Sorry bout your luck.”
Steal a car with a kid in it, and you get a full court press by law enforcement including the Amber Alert. No thief is going to risk that. Not when there are numerous other vehicles that are not occupied.
I think it’s the “never again” that’s the problem, as someone else mentioned. Sometimes I let my kids have a given freedom or do something new and then I feel uncomfortable about it afterwards. Part of parenting is just taking a minute to think it through and decide what specifically the issue is – you, your kid, the timing, etc, and make a new decision, or not, depending.
I let my 2 or 3 year old run up ahead to our house on the way from walking my son home from school one day, but then I didn’t like it. She went around a curve in the cul-de-sac where lots of cars were parked, so if someone was backing out of a driveway, they wouldn’t be able to see her. I concluded that had been a bad idea, and she didn’t run ahead on that part of our walk anymore. Easy. She does get to run up ahead in other circumstances. It’s easier to make blanket policies for yourself, but it’s not always best. So much is situational, which is (part of) why we have to let parents be parents.
What if her son choked on the green lollipop he shared with the dog?
Those things are known choking hazards.
I often wonder with automobile accidents being the leading cause of death among children, do these parents say they’ll never drive anywhere again?
Since, according to wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_the_United_States) obesity is a contributing factor in 100,000—400,000 deaths in the United States per year that makes getting fat on lollipops dangerous. Between 1990 and 1995 there was reported only 515 stranger abductions of children. That makes getting killed by lollipops at least 1000-4000 times more likely than being abducted by a stranger. http://news.discovery.com/human/psychology/stranger-child-abductions-actually-very-rare-130514.htm
What if her beautiful boy choked on the green lollipop and died? What if her loyal pup leaped over the back seat and lodged him or herself under the accelerator, causing the car to plow into a group of innocent children, killing several of them?
Those things are more likely to happen than some crook breaking into a locked car with a child and a dog in plain view inside.
And one more thing, if her son and her dog are the most precious people in her life, where does her husband come in? Perhaps she never had one, or she had one and he ran off with some other woman and now is lazing on a tropical beach somewhere, drinking a pina colada. But if she has a husband and he ranks number three after the boy and the dog I feel very sorry for him.
Totally agree with Mike, my stomach turned a little when I read that bit about the lollipop! Then I got to thinking, while she was driving her “most precious people” around she could have been in a car accident that only killed the kid and dog, she could have been left to live with the knowledge that while leaving them in the parked car was statistically perfectly safe, driving them around in it was statistically extremely dangerous. What is she doing driving with them in the car!!!! Oh my goodness, she is like the worst mom ever…oh wait we do that every day and are able to ignore the risk because it would be too life altering to stop driving places. Maybe we should never leave our houses with our children again, but then what if the furnace explodes and there is no warning and no way to get out, or what if there were a tornado or hurricane (depending on where you live) there is no perfect safety.
I’m going to confess here too. I routinely leave my kids in the car for brief trips into the store even if I can’t see them every moment (they are 8, 11 and 13) but from the time they were born I left them in the car if I could see it from the store window.
The cross-pollination of fears here is fascinating. The current social taboo on leaving any kid alone in a car for any time originated from public awareness of infant and toddler hot car deaths. But since hot car death is obviously not a danger for this lady’s 7-year-old, she’s left with a free-floating fear and horror that needs a target, so she settles on car theft. Or at least I presume that’s what’s happening here, since as everyone points out, this is a completely unrealistic and bizarre fear that wouldn’t naturally occur to anyone.
In Australia kids die when left in cars for 10 minutes.
Warren,
Some criminals are actually stupid enough to try that
I can see that the risk of death for this child would be very high if a) the mother, who was watching the car from the ATM, was nearsighted and had forgotten her glasses, and b) the child was congenitally mute or had been afflicted with sudden-onset laryngitis, and c) the car battery (yes, the one that had just got them to the shopping centre) suddenly and inexplicably drained causing the power windows and central locking to malfunction. Mein Gott! It’s a PERFECT STORM.
My daughter was paralyzed by anxiety and phobias last year. She was most afraid of vomit, and had such a vivid imagination, any scenario that had people in it could end up being a huge barf-o-rams, and had to be avoided. Public washrooms, restaurants, any form of transportation besides walking or biking, movie theatres, fairs, parties, oh, hell, nowhere was safe.
Because our lives were made impossible by this phobia, we got a kit of therapeutic CDs called “Turnaround” and it coached her to understand her fears in the context of reality. A huge part of the teaching was learning to recognize “WHAT IF” thoughts as complete and utter bullish•t, and to replace them with “WHAT IS” thinking.
Sounds like this lady could use a dose of Turnaround Anxiety therapy herself.
I wish I could tell this mom what happened at my bank.
A mom took her daughter and her daughter’s friend to the bank. Back story is, the little girl had recently overcome the odds and survived a deadly illness that she was not given much chance to survive. So, mom, girl and friend are at the bank. Mom takes the girls inside, then comes out and opens the door to let the girls into the SUV. The friend gets in, but the daughter does not. She walks around behind the SUV to get in the other side, when mom thought she was in the car. Mom got in the car and backed over her own daughter, who died, in the bank parking lot. It was dusk.
There were a lot of stupid comments after this happened, (“Of course, this would never happen to me because….” ) basically blaming the mother. I feel really bad for her even though I don’t know her, and I REALLY hope she has been able to forgive herself so that she can be a good mother to her other child.
Accidents happen. We do what we can to try to prevent them….but the point is, maybe this kid would have put the dog in and walked around the other side too. Just because he never did it before wouldn’t mean he might not have a first time. And…we need to be careful, but we don’t have to go overboard. Kids can handle being alone for a little bit. Most do it every night.
David, those car thiefs stupid enough to intentionally try and steal a vehicle with a kid and a dog in it, are the ones you do not have to worry about. If they are that dumb, I doubt they have the knowledge to bypass the locks, alarms and ignitions.
And David, you obviously do not know much about auto theft, and those that commit it. Other than joyriders, it is usually quite organized, and selective.
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” I fed my children warm fascnachts”
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I have two small children (4 years and almost 6 months). My bank doesn’t have a drive-thru (most places around here don’t, actually)…so when I need to hit the ATM, I park the car, tell Little Man to stay put and keep an eye on his brother, open the moon roof or the window a bit, and go to the ATM about 100 ft. away. I do the same thing at the gas station when I grab a soda. I can see them the whole time and it’s fine. So there. I’m actually more worried about someone losing control of their car and hitting mine…
>>In Australia kids die when left in cars for 10 minutes.<<
I lived in Australia for two years, and the hottest day I experienced there was 42 C. So, yeah, I can see why it wouldn't be safe to leave a child in a car for ten minutes if it was that hot outside, but I also saw a much more relaxed approach to child safety in general. Kids walked, biked, Rollerbladed, skateboarded, and took public transit unattended, kids went to the beach to swim or surf without an adult (in fact, a lot of kids' bikes were fitted with surfboard racks in the back), and when I volunteered with the Girl Guides, even Gumnuts (Australian equivalent of Daisies/Sparks/Rainbows/Pippins) and Brownies were a purely drop-off affair–even the mother of the one blind girl in our Brownie group didn't stay….unlike in Canada and the States, where a lot of parents think it's necessary to accompany their children to everything. So, while some safety precautions had to be followed more strictly out of necessity there, I saw a lot fewer uber-safety precautions followed because of a "what if" mentality.
@Beth-
They’re donuts!
We have a German bakery that makes them every Fat Tuesday for the day before Lent. They are seriously delicious. I don’t normally feed my kids donuts for breakfast (they usually cook their own oatmeal or eat cereal most mornings) but had to mention my parenting *lapse* as I hated the sanctimonious tone of this mom’s story. Gorging on donuts for breakfast is not my finest parenting, but it’s not life or death, just like having your kid wait in the car for a simple errand isn’t either.
The more I think about this woman with her beautiful boy and her loyal pup and her Jeep the more I suspect her entire post was a form of bragging thinly described as concern over safety. Either that or she really is stupid enough to think she narrowly escaped a horrendous tragedy by leaving her kid alone in the car for five minutes. Smug or stupid. Or both. My money’s on both.
She seems very comfortable with speaking about an irrational fear. My guess is that she sees her position as being reasonable. It is too bad that many others probably also feel this way and don’t see her as what she is, irrational. In a perfect world, people would respond to her the same way you would respond to someone that was afraid of being abducted by aliens.
I would also agree with Warren. I know that most criminals are not all that smart. I practice criminal law and see the consequences of their stupidity. The vast majority look for easy targets and don’t want a lot of attention. Banks tend to have a lot of cameras and decent security. I doubt that most criminals are going to target a car in that kind of area. In addition, if they took a car with a kid in it, then have gone from a moderately serious felony to a felony that can get you life in prison.
Fastnachts — traditionally eaten on Shrove Tuesday or “Fat Tuesday” — the word is German for “Fast Eve.”
>>Most communities have laws that kids under a certain age cannot be left in a car for even a minute. Because of the parents who leave kids in cars while they go to bars or movies. Thanks nanny state!!!<<
@Diana–That's insane, and the age cut-off completely misses the point. If people followed the letter of the law, then it'd be completely unsafe to leave a child who's X-1 years old (or even X years – 1 day old) in the car outside the variety mart while the adult ran inside to pay for gas on a temperate spring or fall day, but it'd be completely okay to leave a child who's X years old outside the movie theatre or a bar in blazing heat or freezing cold, while the parents went inside to see a movie or have drinks.
I read this piece and was left wondering what on earth her point was. She made a parenting decision, nothing happened & everything was completely fine, so therefore she went back to panic mode?? Weird woman.
@Coasterfreak: “I think only mentally impaired people think of their dogs as “human”.”
…And how about people who call themselves their car’s mom…? *will be banned from this site in 5… 4… 3…*
@Pentamom: Ah, thanks, that ‘fasc-‘ didn’t make sense but the t clarifies a lot 🙂
Thanks everyone for the explanation! They sound nummy.
it is so scary that such a small mistake can be taken into such sick context. bless your heart!
@audra….who are you talking to?
I never worried about leaving my kids in the car for a minute while I ran in the store or bank. I worried even less if my dog was in the car with them. I have a 100lb boxer who is protective. No one would be stupid enough to try to steal my car with her in it. Really, even if you are nervous about leaving kids in the car alone, wouldn’t having a dog there too be less scary? Most dogs think their job is to protect their family.
CJ,
While I completely agree with you, the public at large are complete idiots. I cannot count the number of times moms have told me that only an insane and neglectful parent leaves a child alone anywhere with a dog. That dogs can never be trusted, not to attack.
They really hate when I tell them I have and always will trust my dogs with my kids, over most humans. I even had one mother tell me that people with kids should not be allowed to have a dog in the house, because it is just too dangerous.
Then there are those that go around looking for dogs left in vehicles, just like those looking for kids left in vehicles, wanting to play hero by freeing the poor abused animal.
Warren, I agree. I wouldn’t have my dog if I couldn’t trust her and my kids to be alone together. When she was a young hyper pup and the kids were little I didn’t leave them unattended for longer than it took to go to the bathroom. Not because I was worried about her biting them, because I was worried she would get wound up and accidently knock them down. I trained her not to jump on people and be gentle with kids and taught the kids to be gentle with her so that worry went away. I don’t leave her unattended with other people’s kids. Not because I don’t trust her, I don’t trust other people’s kids to be gentle with her. Not everyone teaches their kids how to treat animals.
As I child, I would often wait in the car alone. In fact, many times I would ask to wait in the car because I didn’t want to go in the grocery store or clothing store. I’d just bring my Game Boy and sit quietly by myself. I didn’t mind and nothing ever happened to me. It’s a shame that simple things are now often treated as criminal because a few moronic people got sensationalized in the news.
OMG she feels guilty about leaving him in the car but she lets him share a lollipop with the dog?! Doesn’t she know where that tongue has been?