This idnbebskfh
essay comes to us from Natalie Johnson, a mom of three who wants to Free-Range, but feels some of the ever-more-common misgivings about letting her kids out of her sight. Natalie works at The Wild Network, a non-profit in the UK that helps communities get the tools and inspiration they need to “re-wild” children in their own neighborhoods. The group was launched after the success of the documentary Project Wild Thing, which looks at the reasons today’s kids don’t play outside as much as previous generations. Their website is here, their Twitter feed is @wearewildthing, and here they are on Facebook: facebook.com/thewildnetwork.
20 Minutes of Terror: when the kids walked home alone
by Natalie Johnson
The kids walked home from school by themselves today.
They had a deadline of 4pm, after which I told them I would call the Police.
This was a ridiculous statement because, of course, I wouldn’t call the Police. I would get in the car and drive the streets of our town, while screaming hysterically to my husband on the phone (possibly not even hands-free) and calling all friends, neighbours and grandparents living within 5 km. I would then put a desperate plea out on Facebook and Twitter with a photo of them in their school uniform. Then, undoubtedly, red-eyed and exhausted, I would eventually find them in the local shop, arguing over sweets. Probably.
I still felt a tiny bit sick about it though.
Why? Because my best friend raised an eyebrow when I proudly told her of our decision. Then, after clearly trying to hold it back blurted, “Erm, even F.J.?” Yes, even the eight-year-old. Walking. Home. Alone.
I read a lot of articles about childhood, play, education and health working here at The Wild Network. I‘m lucky that I know the scare stories and the media horrors we see are incredibly rare. I also know that the majority of children tragically killed in this country are killed by people they know — by their own family. Similarly, abusers are more often than not people known to the child — and frequently their own family.
So why am I seen as so reckless by our neighbours and other parents (and teachers, too) at the school gates? We have codes, we have rules and we have expectations. We also have something that kids aren’t really allowed today: trust.
And, while my eldest daughter has a mobile for emergencies (usually texting Gran “Mummy is so mean” messages), I don’t have a FIND MY KIDNAPPED DAUGHTER app installed like Jack Bauer in a British version of 24. I don’t insist that she calls every 50 paces to update me on her location.
I trust them to make well-considered decisions.
I trust them not to get into anyone’s car. Only grandparents’ and parents’ cars are allowed. “Not even Auntie Claire, mummy?” Nope. Not even cool Auntie Claire in her cool sports car. Not even super-cool Uncle Iain, their dad’s closest friend, whom he would trust with his own life (and his precious kids). No—one. Rules.
They have a slightly neurotic grandpa (who raised two daughters safely, as he likes to remind me) informing them they can’t ever walk anywhere. He makes his unease distinctly noticeable, as my mum tries to placate him. “It’s a different world today, Natalie,” he tells me. It’s really not. [Lenore here: Here are the stats!]
I know that the biggest danger is, in fact, the traffic as they walk down our street. We live in a decent neighbourhood. Our barrier to getting outside is not a lack of space, nor is it gangs, or knife crime. We are the lucky ones. Our barrier is only the traffic.
Lucky us. I’ve seen cars mount the kerb with alarming prediction. I’ve seen a car launch and then maroon itself at speed onto a neighbour’s front patch. I’ve seen shuntings, skidding, I’ve seen near misses, buses screeching, motorbikes swerving and fire engines reversing. I’ve seen gangs of boys on mountain bikes, side-wheeling quad bikes and speeding boy racers. I’ve seen these dangers.
I trust that we taught the girls how to cross a road.
We’ve recited the green cross code at every crossing we’ve made since they were tiny. I trust that they won’t go off with a stranger (or anyone else). I also trust that they are learning important skills for life. They are seeing life in real time, moving amongst people — the public. They are learning the sounds of cars on the roads, buses and bikes. And they are learning about distractions, of wind and dog poo and old people on mobility scooters.
They are also learning what responsibility feels like.
They felt real pride when a lady stopped her car to let them cross a driveway and told them, “I’ve never seen such well behaved children cross the road, well done girls”. They also learned how to politely decline a lift home from a family friend, who proceeded to come straight over and tell us all about it, with ‘well done sweets’ for them when they arrived. Sounds creepy, doesn’t it? It sounds creepy because we’ve been conditioned by some very awful stories to be paranoid about everyone and everything. We owe it to our kids that we don’t create a world of mistrust and misrepresentation, where they are genuinely afraid to leave the house and enjoy the fresh air and natural world. And the first part of that is letting them experience freedom and trust and responsibility.
We owe them that.
What I really hope to come from this big decision is that other parents will see our girls walking home. Once they’ve all got over the shock and stopped talking about us, they will hopefully get used to seeing them. And I hope that the other kids at school will ask their parents when they’ll be allowed to walk home. And eventually, I hope to feel less terror during those 20 minutes.
Then perhaps we’ll start to see kids out on the streets again.
As my dad always said, “Just don’t walk home alone, girls”. With more kids back out on the streets, even he wouldn’t complain. –
My guess is that after this first “letting go,” it won’t occur to Natalie to feel actual terror again, because reality will have replaced the worst-first thinking. That’s the whole idea behind this blog, and the Free-Range Kids Project: Once you let your kids do something YOU did at their age, even something as simple as walking the dog or running an errand, the fear gets replaced by the pride you feel in seeing your kid grow up and become self-reliant.
So kudos to Natalie for re-wilding her kids. And if you want to do the same, just find another local family game to try it with you and send the kids out. It’s not a big deal.
Except…it is. A big, nice, normal, life-changing deal. – L.
Look! children in the wild!
25 Comments
All I can think is, “that poor woman.” Yes, kudos for letting go, but at what cost? I still keep wondering what we’re doing to the collective cortisol levels in the populace when anticipatory panic seems the norm.
Good for the kids, though. And good for the parents. Perhaps a little bit of relaxing is in store….?
20 minutes of terror? Geez. Whatever it takes to get your article read, I guess…
If this causes her terror, then geez, I feel sorry for her.
“I’ve seen cars mount the kerb with alarming prediction. I’ve seen a car launch and then maroon itself at speed onto a neighbour’s front patch. I’ve seen shuntings, skidding, I’ve seen near misses, buses screeching, motorbikes swerving and fire engines reversing. I’ve seen gangs of boys on mountain bikes, side-wheeling quad bikes and speeding boy racers.”
Wow. Do I ever live in a quiet neighborhood.
So does everyone else I visit on a regular basis.
The only suggestion I would make is to teach your kids a “secret word” that only they and you/ your husband and their grandmother know so that if for some reason you ever do need them to get in a car with Auntie So and So that she will be able to tell them “Peanut Butter” and they will know that the message is indeed from you. I had to use that method ONE time during all the years of raising my three free-range sons who are (thankfully all but one) grown and out of the house now.
“My guess is that after this first ‘letting go,’ it won’t occur to Natalie to feel actual terror again, because reality will have replaced the worst-first thinking.”
No, the terror will occasionally return.
Like when your six-year-old who you said “could go on ahead” at the Phoenix Zoo goes missing for an hour [we thought it was go on ahead to a dead end … it looped back instead, so there wasn’t any logical stopping point, so …]
Like when your much older child goes on ahead in Manhatten … and then ISN’T back at the hotel when you arrive [well, actually, he was, but he had gone to the restroom and we didn’t know this, so … fuck, did he turn at the right street?]
Like when your eight year old goes off with a friend and the friend’s family at the ball park … and then the family decides to go home. And your child is … where? [Yep, still at the ballpark … it only took about twenty minutes to find him]
So, pre-scaring yourself may go away (or at least dampen). But every so often the kid isn’t where you expect. And then you can’t find him. And then you start to worry while telling yourself that really BAD things are also really rare.
It still seems a bit odd to be fearful of your kids getting into the cars of close family friends and pseudo-relatives, unless they’re the ones who regularly jump the kerb and end up in the neighbor’s front garden.
“It still seems a bit odd to be fearful of your kids getting into the cars of close family friends and pseudo-relatives…”
More likely the parents are trying to create an idiot-simple rule for the kids. “Mommy and Daddy only” is easy. “Mommy and Daddy and these other people BUT NO ONE ELSE” is harder to be sure that the kids won’t expand the circle or remember it incorrectly.
Do people really need stats and studies before they allow kids to walk someplace? Sad if true.
“What I really hope to come from this big decision is that other parents will see our girls walking home. Once they’ve all got over the shock and stopped talking about us, they will hopefully get used to seeing them.”
I would caution you from thinking people will gossip about a decision such as transportation- walking and pass judgement. I don’t judge anyone on how their kids get to school. Everyone has different lifestyles and factors to consider. Don’t think you will be a topic of conversation- this is just walking to school. You shouldn’t have to defend something so normal and healthy for kids.
My 3 started biking to school going on 9 years now. The oldest and his younger sister did make me worried. I shadowed them in the beginning but once we got it down, they went solo (well, more like a giant pack of kids).
It gets easier and more routine every day.
I remember having a few very worried moments- Once,when a neighbor-helped bandage my 6 year-old daughter up after a bad wipeout and put her bike in the back of her car to drive her home. Nancy wasn’t even someone I talked to my daughter about. She is a grandmom and she cared. She is also a very good friend of ours now. The more people you have on your side looking out for your kids, the easier this will be. My kids loved it even more.
Kudos! The world needs more people like you! I’m not talking about being terrified. I’m talking about being afraid but doing it anyway. Allowing your children to develop self-reliance will have a major impact on their future happiness.
People may discuss it for about 24 hours, but then they’ll lose interest. My mother imparted some great wisdom to me when I was a neurotic teen: Nobody cares about what you do nearly as much as you think they do!
“I’ve seen cars mount the kerb with alarming prediction. I’ve seen a car launch and then maroon itself at speed onto a neighbour’s front patch. I’ve seen shuntings, skidding, I’ve seen near misses, buses screeching, motorbikes swerving and fire engines reversing.”
My father has been on a local fire department for as long as I’ve been alive (I have kids now, for reference) and HIS list is barely this long. This is just an insane amount of traffic hazards. If these things are happening routinely, please petition your town/city council to re-evaluate the traffic controls (speed limits, traffic light patter, stop sign placement, etc) in your area, and request that the police patrol the area more often. This is not normal.
Also, if you see a fire engine reversing, get out of the way. They don’t like to back up; 10,000 gallons of water is hard to control, and those things have blind spots the size of small planets. It’s a hazard, yes, but emergency response doesn’t do ANYTHING without a reason.
” I’ve seen gangs of boys on mountain bikes, side-wheeling quad bikes and speeding boy racers.”
So……how is this a danger? What constitutes a “gang”? If there are three brothers out on mountain bikes, is that a “gang”? Why are boys singled out here? I imagine it’s because they’re more common sights (risk-taking being something boys are prone to culturally and perhaps genetically), but still–where is the threat? Is it the “bikes”? I doubt it. From the text, the threat is due to the fact that it’s BOYS on the bikes. Which is still worst-first thinking–specifically, treating all males as threats.
If there is a serious threat–ie, known gang activity or reasonable suspicion thereof (and I mean that in the legal sense), sure, that’s a threat. But that’s contradicted by the earlier statement that there are no gangs or knife crime in the area. This honestly sounds like the author considers boys on bikes to be a danger in and of themselves.
I know where she’s coming from with the terror. We’ve worked long and hard on pedestrian safety with my almost three year old, and he knows to stop at corners and not go into the street without us, so I let him run ahead on the sidewalk. He’s been doing it safely for over a year, and it’s been a long time since he’s tested the limits. But my heart jumps into my throat every time. He has given me no reason not to trust him, so that’s purely my issue, and I won’t limit him based on my issues when he’s proven himself capable, but yeah, there’s a moment of terror every time.
I totally get the fear of the first time, and the relaxation/trust that follows. It’s hard to move from being with those little babies all the time to trusting them as big kids, out of our sight. I don’t know why that move doesn’t happen naturally for all of us. I know I am a worrier at heart. Over several years, I’ve worked really hard to become less panicky (as a teenager, I would panic when my parents were running a little late, sure they had to be dead somewhere). Reading this site and what other people do has helped give me the backup I need for a healthy perspective when it comes to worrying about my kids. Plus my husband rolling his eyes at me–he doesn’t understand the worrying at all and has encouraged me to quit. It’s not something I was able to do cold turkey–it’s taken lots of years, lots of logic, lots of experiences, and still it can creep back in, during those “firsts.” I guess I think that even if you are a worrier, you can teach yourself not to be. Sometimes I’m just going to worry, but I let my kids go out anyway, because I know better, despite how I feel. Each time they come back all in one piece, it’s like another lesson for that worried part of my brain. By the time they leave for college I should be totally cured!
“So……how is this a danger? What constitutes a “gang”? If there are three brothers out on mountain bikes, is that a “gang”? Why are boys singled out here?”
Because they’re the ones racing down the sidewalk not paying any attention to the people who happen to already be walking there. It’s not that girls CAN’T do this, it’s that they just DON’T.
“where is the threat? Is it the “bikes”? I doubt it. From the text, the threat is due to the fact that it’s BOYS on the bikes. Which is still worst-first thinking—specifically, treating all males as threats.”
A high-speed collision causes damage to small people. That’s the threat. They’re not dangerous because they’re BOYS. They’re dangerous because they’re RECKLESS people who happen to have exterior reproductive organs at the time.
“This honestly sounds like the author considers boys on bikes to be a danger in and of themselves.”
Uh, yeah. Because they are.
I used to get bullied relentlessly on the bus and at the bus stop to the degree that my elementary aged self feared for my life. I was SOOOOO happy when my parents showed me how to walk the 2.5km to school. They didn’t do this because they knew I was being bullied. I don’t know why they did this. Maybe so that I would know in case I missed the bus or something. Anyway, I started walking everyday and I cannot tell you how good it felt not to have to live in fear every morning. THEN, the school found out I was walking and it was over. I was no longer allowed to walk. I wanted to die. This was in the 80’s.
I think the first few times you let your kids do something new and big like this it will always be stomach churning but we have to get over it!
Regarding getting into cars, I’m loath to set a rule beyond don’t get in a strangers car. I can’t find it in me to explain why they can’t trust a lift from the neighbour who sometimes babysits them or their friends mum, for example. I totally get that harm or abuse is more likely from someone they know than from a stranger but its still pretty unlikely. I agree with another commenter that the rules need to be simple, easy to remember but if they feel the person is someone that we as a family trust then I’ll let them trust their gut on a case by case basis. We talk a lot about gut instincts so if they get a feeling something isn’t right, they should trust that feeling.
Now if I could train my daughter to stay out of the mud with school shoes on I’ll be winning.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading Natalies blog…how wonderful if we could return to time of “freedom and outside pleasure” for the young generation of today..it shouldnt be all about ipads and mobile entertainment( although I do think a child does need to know IT ,its the employment future, in my opinion,of course) But our “outside” will disappear if chikdren arnt allowed to “do” outside anymore……
In medicine, the hygiene hypothesis is a hypothesis that states a lack of early childhood exposure to infectious agents, symbiotic microorganisms (such as the gut flora or probiotics), and parasites increase susceptibility to allergic diseases by suppressing the natural development of the immune system.
There is a reason why there is an explosion of allergies. The body reacts to relatively harmless things as though it’s poison! This overreaction is a danger in itself. In fact, it can be even more dangerous! For example, someone can die from being exposed to a peanut. I’m not saying that they would’ve been allergy free if only they were allowed to eat dirt when they were two years old. However, there is a connection.
Why am I bringing up hygiene hypothesis? Because we’re doing the exact same thing with safety. We consider that everything is dangerous. That’s why Melanie had her 20 minutes of terror. That’s why many children will become adult age physically but will remain emotionally immature. That’s why these children are a very high risk for anxiety/depression.
We don’t have a safety word about who can pick up the kids, we’ve just been practical. “The only people who would pick you up would be a teacher from your school or someone from church or one of your friends’ parents. No stranger would ever pick you up, even if I’m in the hospital.”
Which is true. I’m not going to grab some stranger off the street and say, “I have to go to the hospital, please find my son on his way home from school!” And If I’m whisked away unconscious, chances are the hospital will figure out that I have school aged children and contact the school. The school has emergency contact info.
And besides, if I’m not home when the kids get home, they can have unlimited internet time. They won’t miss me for a week.
Lilipoplover, people do judge. My family has experience with the “How can you let your child do that?” You can’t let it change you from doing right, but they do. For example, My family is judged because we let our 6-year-old cross the street. They comment on well she does it, but then they say they can’t believe we let her. Letting our daughter go to the bathroom by herself in church is commented on. Our daughter is quite popular with kids her age, but I’ve noticed other moms aren’t so keen and I strongly suspect is because to them non-Helicopter means delinquent parent. One time during a scout activity the tension and comments from the Helicopter moms was so bad, that I was a ball of nerves for about a day afterward, and DD had nightmares for about a week. One other time the other moms were discussing calling CPS because a 12-year-old girl was on the swings at the park by herself in the early evening. When I said that a 12-year-old was old enough, I was told in scandalized tones that an 18-year-old isn’t old enough. The only reason they didn’t call was that a mom had experience with CPS not stepping in when they genuinely should have, so she told the other mothers that they wouldn’t do anything. It is a nutty world out there.
Eh, whether you feel the terror or not has to do with your own personality and past experiences. I do understand it and don’t pass judgement on those that are anxious. My husband was murdered in a robbery gone bad. Yes, it was an incredibly rare thing to have happened. Yes, you bet it affects my anxiety level. I am still free range. I use this site and other things to remind myself of the statistics. But yeah, I have felt my moments of terror. I had a panic attack the day my kids were really late coming back from the bus. Of course it was just the bus running late, but of course the fact that they may have been kidnapped on the way back from the stop did enter my mind. Just the other day I sent my son to the store to get milk. He was fine, but I was worried about what could happen the entire time. I think the key is not whether or not you have these anxieties, I don’t pass judgment on myself for my own feelings, but how you react to them. I remind myself that my own terror/anxiety belongs to me and not to my kids and therefore keep it to myself and let them keep their moments of pride from the good experiences of doing something on their own. I refuse to deny them that.
“Because they’re the ones racing down the sidewalk not paying any attention to the people who happen to already be walking there. It’s not that girls CAN’T do this, it’s that they just DON’T.”
Perhaps. However, that’s not clearly stated. The quote lists three threats: Boys on mountain bikes, boys on side-wheeling quad bikes, and speeding boy racers. The middle may be a threat. The first one certainly isn’t–it’s just kids on bikes. The last one is a very minor threat, but hardly worth being concerned about beyond the immediate act of avoiding being hit. Kids go fast on bikes; it’s part of the fun. If you can’t handle that, that’s your problem.
According to the quoted sentence my grandfather’s farm was a major risk. 11 grandkids, and we ALL raced on our bikes. We wiped out, collided with each other, and learned not to be stupid because iodine and having gravel pulled out of your shin HURTS (Grandpa was old-school).
“Uh, yeah. Because they are.”
I think you didn’t read the “in and of themselves” part. That means that ANY boy on ANY bike would be considered a threat merely BECUASE they are a boy on a bike. If my son rides his bike at a safe speed and in a courteous manner, someone who thought boys on bikes were threats in and of themselves would still consider him threatening. I do not consider–and I sincerely hope no one else here does–the act of being a boy and being on a bike to be a threat. Because that’s insane.
My kids know that they can take rides from trusted adults. It’s amazing how difficult to get other adults in my area to let them walk home, even when it’s only a quarter mile, and they’re always so proud of having “helped out.” The usual rule is that I have to know the parents, but my oldest has broken that when it has been the parent of a good friend of hers that I haven’t met. We talk about using good judgement and how to decide when to trust someone.
When I was a young adult, I had to take a ride from a complete stranger. My car broke down on an isolated road at night, there were no call boxes, and this was before cell phones. I decided better the one who asked nicely than wait for one who might demand. It was scary, but nothing went wrong. He drove me to a convenience store where I called for a ride. I’ve talked to my kids about that situation because I think it’s a good example of how most people are nice.