.
Here nybskzeafi
is a slightly edited excerpt from “Mamaleh Knows Best: What Jewish Mothers Do to Raise Successful, Creative, Empathetic, Independent Children,” by my friend, the humorist Marjorie Ingall.
Her book blends anecdotes, history, and scientific research to show that, contrary to the stereotype of the overprotective Jewish mom, “Jewish mothers have actually historically nurtured their kids independence. In addition, they’ve urged a healthy distrust of authority as well as sense of humor.”
MAMALEH KNOWS BEST, BY MARJORIE INGALL.
I won’t deny that life — particularly city life — can be scary. The first time we dropped nine-year-old Josie off in Brooklyn by herself — at a Studio in a School art class on a Sunday afternoon — we got stuck in traffic and were wildly late picking her up. She didn’t yet have a cell phone. We didn’t have a contact number for the teacher. The main office was closed.
But nothing terrible happened! Josie was upset and scared; the college-aged instructor who’d had to wait with her was annoyed. To forestall such communication problems in the future, we got Josie a cell phone.
I will mildly point out that we hear a lot of privileged parents bemoaning the way their kids are glued to their phones, while failing to note that these same phones can contribute to kids’ freedom and ameliorate our own separation anxiety. Get a grip, people. (Incidentally, it is possible to simultaneously be annoyed by a device and to appreciate that it has made life better.)
…
Look, we’re all giving each other the side-eye, worrying that our kid will be that statistical outlier, worrying that other parents are judging us, worrying that someone will report us to the cops as reckless or neglectful. (Reader, this last one is not an idle fear. Once Maxie, then 10, was waiting for the bus home after rehearsal for a play at our synagogue. It was getting dark and chilly, but Maxie had a coat and the neighborhood street was well-trafficked, as usual. A busybody stopped Maxie at the bus stop to ask her name, where she lived, where she was going and where she’d come from. Maxie, confused, told her. The next morning, the woman called the synagogue to report that she’d met a 6-year-old girl — I remind you, Maxie was 10 — who had neglectful parents who needed to be dealt with. Thankfully, the education director who took her call told her that he knew our family and trusted our judgment.
I think the woman meant well, in her way — she gave Maxie $20 for a taxi, which Maxie gave to me, and which we decided to donate to charity. Not because we’re so virtuous, but because waves of judgment and unpleasantness were wafting off that money like wavy odor lines from a cartoon skunk. We wanted it out of the house.)
…
Thankfully, in recent years the tide seems to be turning toward encouraging kids to have more freedom and less micromanagement. (Of course, we’re talking about a privileged segment of the population here. There are still plenty of poor families and families of color in which kids are excessively scrutinized or alternatively parents are punished for not having affordable childcare options.)
I need to remind myself sometimes that if one is a human walking this planet, someone, at some point, somewhere, is going to hold up something one does as proof that one sucks at parenting. An illustration: I live across the street from the Hell’s Angels clubhouse. When Josie was a few months old, I wheeled her out for a walk, and a giant tattooed, bearded man fixing his hog glared at me and yelled, “HE NEEDS A HAT!”
When a Hell’s Angel informs you that your parenting is substandard, you may be receiving a sign that it’s time to stop worrying about other people’s judgment.
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36 Comments
“waves of judgment and unpleasantness were wafting off that money like wavy odor lines from a cartoon skunk. We wanted it out of the house.)”
love that quote 🙂
What if the taxi driver had abducted her? The person who gave her the $20 should be reported!
“When a Hell’s Angel informs you that your parenting is substandard, you may be receiving a sign that it’s time to stop worrying about other people’s judgment.”
That’s my favorite line.
Although, to be fair…my ex-step-brother-in-law’s mother was dating a Hell’s Angel years ago. When he had to have heart surgery she came down and stayed with us with her boyfriend’s brother (also a Hell’s Angel). They slept in our living room and I will say that he was an excellent house guest. He even let my daughter (about a year old at the time) sit on his Harley.
Kimberly, we’ve had some great Hells Angels interactions (as well as some uhh, lesser ones). I like to tell the story about how I was walking with Maxine, then around 4, when I started to hear pops like gunfire. I was freaked out, but as we approached our apartment I saw one of the Angels standing at the curb between bikes, jumping on a giant sheet of bubble wrap. POP POP POP! Maxie watched, eyes wide, and he gestured to her. She looked to me, I nodded yes, and she ran to him and the two of them jumped on the bubbles together. POP POP POP! Finally she said “my sister would love this!” and he smiled, went to the back of the Angels’ battered old blue van, opened the doors, and pulled out a giant ROLL of bubble wrap, nearly as big as Maxine. He made a little handle for it out of tape, and handed it to me with a flourish. We said thank you, and when we got home, we covered the entire kitchen and living room floors with bubble wrap and both girls jumped all over it.
“When Josie was a few months old, I wheeled her out for a walk, and a giant tattooed, bearded man fixing his hog glared at me and yelled, “HE NEEDS A HAT!””
That Hells Angel guy must’ve since taken the train out to Long Island, because that Exact Same Thing happened to me when my daughter was nine months old! “HE NEEDS A HAT!”, yelled the weird gruff angry bearded guy with tattoos, in the parking lot, on our way out of the grocery store. Never mind that on the way in to the grocery store, she had reached up and flung her hat onto the ground three times in a row, and I had therefore stashed it in the stroller.
Parents’ judginess of other parents is making their kids less able to deal with life
http://qz.com/770655/kids-are-paying-the-price-for-their-parents-judginess-of-other-parents/
And when the idiot is making a scene in public yell who the parent here me or you mind your beeswax.
Oops..and now YOU are judging someone too! (Hell’s Angels)….that said…I agree..stop worrying about what other people think. Be comfortable in your own skin. Smile and say “thank you” when somebody means well…and then do what you know to be right for your family.
The book “Masterminds and Wingmen” says parents can benefit from advice from non-parents who don’t have as much emotional investment in your child, but Hell’s Angels should specialize in advice about Harleys.
I think every mother has a moment where they are criticized for how they dressed their baby, and receive “a sign that it’s time to stop worrying about other people’s judgment.” For me it was the mentally disabled man telling me, on a day well over 80F, that my kid would “freeze” if I didn’t put some socks on her. I think I laughed and told him more or less, good luck keeping socks on her, in this weather it isn’t happening. For my mom it was a little old lady saying my sister needed a hat and coat and blanket on a hot summer day that had my parents feeling overheated in their lightest clothing.
HILARIOUS! <3
I have to comment on this cell phone thing.
Sure, phones are annoying, and useful. I get both sides.
But I really don’t want to live in a world where a nine year old needs a cell phone. On the internet and in real life, I see a lot of people saying they get their kids a cell phone when they start taking a bus home from school. Or walking. Why do they need a cell phone for that? If they’re coming home to an empty house and no landline, why do they need to carry a cell phone? Surely they could have a cell phone stationed in the house?
I realize there was probably no pay phone, but did the teacher in this anecdote not have a cell phone the girl could borrow? And how would a cell phone have helped the parents get there faster?
Look, if someone wants to get a cell phone for their kid, that’s their business. But as someone who is trying to teach face-to-face interaction, the importance of being present in the moment, enjoying things other than phones, and some patience and self-reliance, I wish there were more parents who would wait a few years on the cell phone thing. It makes me sad for my kids when their friends would rather use their phones than spend a few extra minutes, say on the bus ride home, with them. I get sad for myself in those situations too. I guess I’m feeling alone on the whole cell phone issue. I don’t want to tell others what to do, I just want to find more people who think like I do.
” If they’re coming home to an empty house and no landline, why do they need to carry a cell phone? Surely they could have a cell phone stationed in the house?”
Because “mom/dad, I forgot my key.”
Because “mom/dad, can I go over to X’s house after school?”
Because mom/dad just got home, nobody’s here, where is the kid?
Totally laughed out loud at that last Hells Angels anecdote!
James, although I dislike engaging you:
If they forget their key, maybe they can go to a neighbor’s house to use the phone? Or use the code to the garage? Or jump the fence and jimmy open a window? Or wait in the yard. . . what if mom or dad can’t rush right home to let them in?
If they want to go to a friend’s house, maybe they can come by the house if I’m home, borrow the school’s phone, or even plan ahead? Or maybe we plan ahead together–these days you may go to a friend’s house, just call when you get there (and there should be a phone in the house, or that means there’s no adult in the house, and you shouldn’t be hanging around after school with friends and no adult)?
As for the third one, that’s just needing a device on your kid to keep track of your kid. My go-to’s would be to call a few friends, see if my kid is there, IF he doesn’t show up in a little while. Hopefully my kids will be responsible and respectful enough to not just take off without asking permission/checking in. I don’t want to buy a device with a monthly payment plan for them on the off chance they decide to act like buttheads. It’d probably be cheaper to just get a tracking chip in their ear.
I think the whole cell phone thing makes this stuff way more convenient. . . lost a key, call mom right away. But it doesn’t teach resiliency or the ability to think beyond reaching for the phone. I’d like my kids to know they don’t have to have a phone to survive or navigate the neighborhood.
@beanie I’m kinda with you on the mobile phone thing. In your ideal world what age/stage would you give a kid a mobile?
I’ve got a 10yr old and he’s out and about a bit by himself. He wears a watch and has to be home by a certain time and there are parameters that he should stay within however I do find it frustrating that if the plan were to change from my side that I couldn’t let him know. So if I’m home I need to stay home etc. So far it’s not pushed me into getting him a phone but I’m thinking maybe high school 12 or 13 yrs old?
As for reason the kids don’t need one here one you i doubt yo
Kids and parents dealt with communication and problem-solving long before cell phones were invented. Not sure why we can’t do the same today if necessary.
“James, although I dislike engaging you:”
Then don’t. Let me show you how.
Sorry accidently touched the submit button. I was say a cell phone could come in handy should someone call the cops to save the day like in the meitivs
“…these same phones can contribute to kids’ freedom and ameliorate our own separation anxiety.”
Absolutely! I got my son a cell a cell phone way more for my convenience than his “cool factor”. And because of it, I’ve been able to let him do things *before* I otherwise could have.
Yes, I dealt without one when I was a kid, but
A) there were payphones here and there, and
B) if I asked an adult if I could use their phone, *they* weren’t afraid of getting in trouble just for talking to me.
With regards to the cell phone question…
I notice that nobody has suggested that perhaps the PARENT doesn’t need a cell phone, either.
James adults use cells for everything from gps photographs even talking to people they need to. How many of these things are something kids do?
I grouse about the cell phone thing, too, and yet I depend more and more on mine. When I head off to a new place, I don’t even look at a map half the time, knowing/assuming I’ll be able to pull up Googlemaps whenever I wish. I’ll probably get burned one of these days, relying overmuch on the mobile phone.
My 6th grader, I’m thinking of getting him a flip phone that just calls and texts. No way in hell is he getting anything with internet access though – he’s not ready to use it responsibly.
We got my daughter her own cell phone when she was 9. It was convenient for us, at that point she was the only one actually using the landline because everyone else in the house had their own smartphones, and the cost was going to be about the same for a cell phone instead, so we transferred the number over.
It saved us having to troll the neighborhood looking for her bike or scooter outside a neighbor kid’s house to figure out where she’d gone to play, and it gave her the opportunity to start doing things like calling my mother and her older cousin in another state, thereby fostering her independent relationships with extended family members, something that wasn’t possible when I was a kid in the days of expensive long distance calls.
“James adults use cells for everything from gps photographs even talking to people they need to. How many of these things are something kids do?”
All of them?
I must give off a certain vibe of “don’t mess with me” (although I’m not particularly intimidating), as I can’t recall an instance when a relative or another parent ever said something judgemental to me about my parenting (and I am far from being a perfect parent!). I almost wish they would, as I would have a few choice words for them. There were times when my kids were younger (they’re 14 and 16 now) that they would come home and tell me that someone told them not to climb a tree, or how to handle our dog while walking him. It annoyed me to no end that this never happened when I was around, as I would have been happy to set them straight about not telling my kids what to do, especially when they weren’t doing anything wrong.
I am 100% in agreement with James on this issue. If I felt that them having a cell phone was somehow harmful or problematic, I wouldn’t have them one. The fact that some kids are bothered that someone would prefer to be on their phone for a brief bus ride doesn’t really persuade me. Prior to cell phones, people still found ways to ignore other people on public transportation.
As a child, I survived without a cell phone, but previous generations also survived with any number of things I had, so I am not sure that this is a good argument. Bottom line is that our family feels that our oldest child having a cell phone is a benefit.
I didn’t (and would not have) provided a cell phone to my daughter. My ex-wife did, and the sole benefit to me was that in theory I was no longer in the chain when my ex-wife wanted to talk to our daughter; instead of calling the house land-line, she could call my daughter directly. (It took MONTHS. ring-ring. hello. is daughter home? no. Oh. Why don’t you try calling her? oh, yeah… goodbye.)
During this timeframe, I didn’t carry a cellphone, either. I still don’t. I own one… it lives in my truck, for those cases when I want to make an outgoing call.
I’m so old that when my first baby was born, there were still folks around who thought it was abusive to take an infant outdoors in winter. (She was a December baby, and we live in Wisconsin, so by that logic we should have spent the first four months of her life under house arrest.) Wish I had a dollar for every time I got yelled at by some old biddy for taking my poor little baby outdoors in the winter.
Beanie I’m with you 110%!! My kids won’t have a cell phone bc (a) everyone else has one they could borrow in an emergency and (b) I don’t want them growing up without survival skills. Let me explain that last one. If a kid has a cell phone and a problem what do they do? Call mom (or dad or whatever). Before cell phones we used our brains and problem solved. Not always perfectly but well enough to still be here AND we got better at it from goofing up (ie – I thought I’d sit in the rain till mom came but next time I’ll only wait for an hour then walk home).
@bluebird, I had a December baby in Wisconsin too! And not only did I get comments about having her out, but also about how she was dressed for the weather. Too many clothes, too few clothes, her hat slipped exposing an earlobe, the mittens weren’t tight enough, why didn’t I have a blanket over her in the stroller…and on and on. I was a new mom trying to do the “right” thing, but figuring out what that was was so frustrating.
The only reason my 13yo has a cell phone is because payphones are a thing of the past. She commutes by 2 trains an hour to school (and the reverse in the afternoon). She participates in extra-curricular activities that are not always timed to perfection (i.e. we can’t know in advance exactly when we’ll need to pick her up from the other side of the city).
My 11yo, 9yo and twin 7yos come home to an empty house 2-3 days a week, after catching a bus, and walking from the bus stop. They are enterprising. If they’ve forgotten their keys (the oldest has a set), they’ll hitch each other over the side fence so they can hang out in the back yard waiting for me. They’d probably walk around to my friend’s house in the next street if they needed to communicate with me. In fact, I have this thing called neighbours, and have been known to call them if I am stuck getting home, so they can either (a) look after the kids or (b) tell the kids so they can have longer to clean up the mess they’ve made of the backyard 😉
11yo starts high school next year, at same school as 13yo. Unfortunately, I will be succumbing to the lure of the cell phone, as the 2 girls have already decided they will be mortal enemies and travel at different ends of the train and not speak to each other 😉
” If they’re coming home to an empty house and no landline, why do they need to carry a cell phone? Surely they could have a cell phone stationed in the house?”
Besides what James Pollock said, what is really the advantage of having a cell phone that just sits there at home in the case kid needs it, over the kid having a cell phone? Why is this a solution to any problem?
“I think every mother has a moment where they are criticized for how they dressed their baby, and receive “a sign that it’s time to stop worrying about other people’s judgment.”
Yes! This came early on for me. It wasn’t exactly about clothing, but when my oldest was about 2 months old, an older man kept nagging me because she was asleep in her stroller with her neck bent. “That’s not good for her neck. You shouldn’t let her sleep like that.”
At that point I realized that his arbitrary ideas about baby necks would have resulted in me waking a contentedly sleeping, healthy baby. I decided right then that I didn’t have to listen to what people said I should do with my kids. Doesn’t mean I never took reasonable advice, but I didn’t have to feel compelled to respond to everything.
My 9 year old uses her phone to call me when she’s done with activities that have flexible ending times. The problem with the argument that “well, I didn’t have a cell phone and we figured out how to communicate with our parents just fine” is the lack of pay phones. I used to always carry a few quarters for a phone in case I needed to call, but that doesn’t really exist anymore. I’d much rather she have her own phone that I monitor the usage of closely rather than have her have to runaround trying to find a phone she can borrow from someone every time – plus I know if it’s her calling so I know I should actually answer it. 🙂