Men as Babysitters: What’s So Scary?

We had this great young girl who was the ultimate babysitter – got the kids outside at every chance and would PLAY with them. Lived in the neighborhood. Would sometimes bring her younger brother and sister with her for more playing fun. The younger brother was a couple years older than my son and when big sister wasn’t watching, he had my son touching his private parts… My husband and his father went off the deep end but seriously, boys do this kind of stuff and you tell them it’s not appropriate and life goes on. We aren’t talking huge sex abuse kinds of stuff here! I felt bad because we lost a great babysitter because she was too embarrassed over the whole incident…. It doesn’t matter if your babysitter is male or female. Things can be fine or not. Just deal and take the normal precautions!

The reasoning behind it may be sketchy, but I think she made the right choice. Male sitters are, in my opinion, better for boys because they enjoy the same things and thus connect better. You really don’t want to put a male babysitter through your daughter’s tea party. He’s better off playing football or soccer with your son.

When my older two were younger I had my troop of babysitters. What can I say my kids wear people out. :p One was a boy who was recommended by another babysitter of ours. Both my son and daughter loved him. My daughter because he played video games with my son so he left her alone.

What is strange to me about this is how it carries to adulthood. My fiancée lives with us and the first comment from my ex was how can you let him live with the kids. Granted my ex will say or do anything to make me miserable, still why? He lives with the kids cause the kids live with me. To live with me he has to live with the kids. Simple, right?

Then to make matters worse my youngest is a very tactile girl. Okay we are all a bit tactile. Her father is not, he is more, well we won’t go there. She jumps, climbs, hugs, tugs and plays with Troy all the time. She is so happy to have two parents that play with her now. Still I know if my ex found out that OMG! she loves him, holy carp! what a mess. Why? Because she loves him and treats him like a second dad. Isn’t that what the goal is with second marriages, happiness for the children?

Oh and Magic, my daughter used to kick our male babysitters butt in soccer. She is quite a good keeper. :p I think that was one reason he always went for the video games.

Statistically, more men are sexual predators, but statistically, more black people commit violent crimes – so I wonder why it’s still socially acceptable to discriminate against men but not so against black people?

When I was a little boy, I had one male babysitter. Only one. He was from a local high school and he only came one time. But boy, did we have fun that time! After that, I begged my mom to find another boy to babysit me, and she tried, but none were interested.

Lisa Belkin is sexist, it’s that simple. The most appalling part of her essay:

“I also told him that I felt really awful about having to feel this way, and that it was such a shame that society forced us to discriminate against kind, competent men as caregivers for our kids.”

The complete lack of responsibility for her own behaviour is utterly galling. This woman is so secure in her bigotry she doesn’t even see it. Atrocious.

I feel so bad that the guy she didn’t hire may see the essay and realize that was why he didn’t get the job.

I use a male babysittter for my son. He’s a friend of the family and yes, there are stereotypes of a ‘male’ babysitter. Kyle is the BEST babysitter – he’s responsible, tough, isn’t concerned about spending hours texting and talking on the phone, and the best, my son has FUN! It’s all outside play and ‘roughhousing’, riding bikes, playing Nerf ‘wars’, all imaginative play.

I think in this day and age, molesters come in all shapes and sizes, AND sexes. My husband is a police officer, and while there are many more male molesters, there are still females. People have to get over their ideas and stereotpyes of what a childcare provider looks like!!!!

When my oldest daughter was in daycare, the center hired a male teacher for the 3-4 year old room. He was awesome! The kids adored him, and I’m kind of sorry to say that he had the ability to command their respect and act as an authority WAY better than many of the female teachers. I agree with HappyNat, that the fact that our center was willing to hire him increased my satisfaction with the center as a whole. I wish my kids’ current schools had more male teachers, but it seems like men who express an interest in teaching/working with kids are eliminated from consideration *because* of that interest. Ridiculous.

And my DH is a SAHD too. I get way more attitude about this than my choice in babysitters! My brother and I had a male babysitter as kids, and another brother was an au pair for a family in Italy last summer.

When my son was young enough to need a babysitter, his favorites were always the local teenage boys. Male babysitters had more in common with him and were willing to do Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh duels. They would also talk about soccer and other sports with my son. Female babysitters weren’t interested in the same things as my son. Whenever I needed a babysitter, my son would always request a male.

Most of the employees at the on-base teen center are men and the kids love them. My son likes them because they like to play soccer and also talk about it. There is a man who works part-time at the on-base school age center (grades K-5) who would be considered a “classic pedophile.” He’s an older man whose kids are grown and who happens to enjoy being around children. He and my son would play Stratego together when my son was at the school age center. That man was my son’s favorite person at the school age center. I can see why because he’s such a nice person who genuinely enjoys his work. The other man who worked there was a close second.

Now my son has a couple of male teachers, who happen to be his favorites. His math teacher for the past two years is male, as is one of his Latin teachers. In fact, my son sometimes talks about wanting to become a math teacher like Herr S. My son is also in the local ski club and likes his male trainers best.

In Germany, and on the military installation where I work, people don’t seem to think that males working around kids are creepy or pedophiles. I personally think it’s wonderful that my son has male role models in addition to my husband.

If it helps, Husband volunteers at the school for Little Girl’s class teaching Wednesday “Clubs” — their way of getting parents involved and broadening the children’s horizons. He is also the one to take them to the library or the park. (The children get injured more easily around me — or the tiniest bump becomes a howling end-of-the-world issue around me when they would just shake it off with him – haven’t figured out how to fix that yet) But so far I haven’t heard any complaints.

But then, my most trusted baby-sitters have been men too. Bill watched the children for a week while Husband and I went to Chicago for the first time. ‘Uncle’ Allan is in our will to get the children if we die, so he takes them to get ice cream each Monday. (His counterpart is not so fond of children and has threatened me with bodily harm if Husband and I die before they’re teenagers and possibly after that too. Oddly, the fact that she doesn’t like ‘children’ and treats them like smaller adults makes her one of their favorite people — but she’ll never choose to be around them while ‘Uncle’ Allan treasures his time with them because they will never have children of their own.)

Also, shaved head, tattooed, men, white, black or somewhere in the middle, have been unfailingly polite to my small family no matter where we go. It’s only the white well-dressed teenagers who don’t stop to hold the door for the stroller, who step carelessly in front of it, making me tilt the baby to avoid hitting them, or who make faces when Little Girl tries to talk to them. –And my family is white, if you started to wonder. This isn’t a sign of their racism, it’s a sign of their upbringing.

The problem is more intractable than even this suggests. When my daughter was younger, I would try to hire babysitters so I could surprise my wife with a night out. More than once a sitter, in more cases a mom, to say “Why don’t you have your wife call. I’m not comfortable making the arrangements with a dad.”

A colleague of mine, a single dad, has basically given up on trying to find neighborhood sitters for roughly the same reason.

Men aren’t just a danger to small children, they all want to screw the babysitter, too.

🙁

I’m so glad you’ve posted on the Motherlode post, Lenore. That really bothered me that the woman chose not to go with the man. I’m glad things didn’t work this way when I was in High School because I did a ton of babysitting then; I get the impression I wouldn’t get to do that now.

There’s an old man who goes to my church who LOVES my 2 daughters. He had 5 girls, and he just thinks they’re so much better than boys. He’s constantly holding my girls and telling them they’re beautiful, and he loves them. He plays with them and teases them.

There’s another old man there who looks like a younger Santa, and when either of my girls get upset, all it takes is a little snuggle with him to calm them down. They just lay on his chest and play with his beard.

I would feel so awful to deprive any of them from this interaction. Men need love and attention from little kids, just like the rest of us.

This is timely- a friend of mine told me that she has a a “never alone with a male” policy for her daughters. The only exception is the child’s father. But it does include other family members, Grandfathers, Uncles and Cousins. Her children are not allowed sleepovers at their own grandparent’s homes, only because of this fear. She doesn’t use family as babysitters, even though they live in the area. She got this idea from someone who was a victim of sexual abuse and although she has no history of it herself, she thought this seemed like the “safest” plan. It’s heartbreaking to me.

@anonymousmagic: that’s a pretty sexist thing to say. I know plenty of male role models for young girls. I’ve babysat little girls, along with my nephew. Yes, I participated in the tea time, yes I’ve even put on the little hat, even my nephew participated. It’s NOT whether your a man or a woman, it’s who you are as a person that matters most. If in your mind, it’s all about the kids, there’s pretty much nothing you would do. Or at least try. Whether it’s tea party’s, dress up, or throwing the pigskin around at the park or in the backyard.

But if you want to put a spin on the “sexist” thing, I would have to lean more towards male babysitters being better than female. Females tend to be more preoccupied about their personal lives, ie. talking on the phone, texting, FB. Males tend to be more focused on the task at hand, probably for the reason that they feel they have something to prove. What female babysitter do you know that can carry two 3 year olds, while a 4 year old sits on their shoulders. Yes, kids LOVE being carried around like that. Yes, they like to wrestle (at least the boys and girls I’ve taken care of), or rather gang up on you. At the same time, men are physically better equipped at protecting children. Most female babysitters I’ve met don’t have the energy to keep up with high energy kids. I think men have a slight edge on women when it comes to babysitting. 😉

I read that piece yesterday. My husband and I have talked about this before. I want to be non-discriminating, but I know that I would have made the same decision as the woman in that piece. I too have a daughter. Maybe I would have felt differently if I had a son or if my child were of an age to say if something bad were happening. What’s particularly troubling to me about my likely decision is that as a minority I know full well what it’s like for people to make assumptions about you based on stereotypes and perceived fears.

@Globe trottin’ mama: that’s the thing, it’s pretty much all in people’s heads these days. No thanks to the media. Just a matter of OVERCOMING your own fears, not fueling them.

last year when my oldest was a toddler my husband and I participated in our church choir and orchestra. Babysitting was provided and the sitters that were hired were 2 male teenager brothers (14 and 16 years old). My husband dropped off our daughter the first couple of times. The first time I did it, I had the “what if” questions go through my head (even thought she had been there multiple times prior!). I had to bring myself back to earth and remember there was nothing wrong with these boys. I knew their Mom, even! Then I got mad at myself for even allowing myself to think in the worst-first mentality. And I’m glad I made myself drop off my daughter. She LOVED going and asked about them throughout the week that whole year. When we saw them at the grocery store one day she called out to them from across the store (Ha! I’m sure some people were a little surprised by that). She had made friends and I was able to put another notch in the ammo-against-unneeded-fear belt.

When I was a kid in the 70’s, my parents used two different teen boy babysitters and they were fantastic (for what it’s worth, I’m female and have a younger brother).

Unlike the teen girl babysitters, these guys actually paid attention to us and weren’t on the phone the entire 3-4 hours talking to friends. They played board games, they played cards with us, a few years later one of the boys even saved our house from a kitchen fire (which broke out while my family was out of the house).

Has anyone ever seen the videos taken by hidden cameras on Oprah, etc. of *female* babysitters/nannies hitting kids over the head with wooden spoons or shaking babies out of frustration? I don’t like to see either gender painted with a broad brush.

Been lurking for a while, but this is a post that hit close to home. I am a male and I babysat some in my teen years. In high school I started working at a daycare and it was great and I was the only male that had ever worked there. In my last six months though, those over the daycare (not the director, but the church it was with) implemented new rules that were popular in church daycares meant to protect.

To sum it up, it basically said that any male teachers could never be alone with a group of kids, which meant I always had to be supervised. I couldn’t take a child who wet his or her pants to change them. I couldn’t help a potty training child alone. I couldn’t even stay in the gym where parents were constantly coming and going to get their children without another female teacher to supervise me.

The thought is that males are going to be pedophiles. Plain and simple it boils down to that. It made my job awful. I’m glad someone spoke up and got those rules revoked, but I was already leaving for college by that time.

Interesting comments after that Motherlode NYT article: ( http://bit.ly/fUeL0E )

One father raising a young daughter said,

” I’m afraid that soon I’ll have to provide proof that she is my actual daughter, or I won’t be able to take her around in public!”

His comment tells us how irrational our society has become.

Commenter #12 began a very poignant experience like this:

“I once watched a mom go absolutely ballistic at the park because a man was standing too close to the swings full of toddlers…” Go read the rest of her story.

And…

How would a woman feel or react if she went for a job interview and the interviewer said:

“Jane, your qualifications for this job are a perfect fit. I don’t think I could find a more qualified applicant. But I’m probably not going to hire you because you’re a woman. I feel sheepish saying this, but we all know that stats show women frequently quit their jobs to have kids, or move to another city when her husband gets a different job.”

@Joe Agreed! My regular babysitter’s mother recently called me after a night out and let me know that she wasn’t comfortable having my husband drive her daughter home. I asked if there had been an incident in the car, or if her daughter had said anything and she said, “No, you just can’t be too careful.” I told her that he had driven me home because I had been drinking, and that the alternative was to come pick her daughter up at midnight. Oh, and that I was appalled that she would disrespect my family that way. We lost a great babysitter. It’s a shame.

And growing up, we had a male babysitter one summer. He taught my brother and I to throw a football, hit a baseball and how to cook a fantastic roast. Matthew, I thank you!

This story strikes close to home for me, too; both my brother and my husband LOVE children, they have both been occasional babysitters for friends’ children since they were teenagers, and they are both loved and appreciated by children in return.

I spend more time than necessary worrying that misguided people will assume that my husband or my brother are perverts, just because they spend time with church kids or say hello to the neighbourhood kids. It frustrates me that this is what our society has come to.

I know plenty of mature, responsible teen boys who I would would be happy to have as babysitters for my kids. They would be a lot more fun for the kids than I am, that’s certain! 🙂

We’ve had 2 male babysitters – both of our kids love them. They were exactly what we were looking for – we vetted them and check them out well in advanced. Our autistic son really connected with them and draws out of his world with them We also have fantastic female sitters. Once vetted we see who is best for our kids – gender, ethnicity and religion aside.

My daughter went to Mr. Mom’s Playhouse from 12 weeks old to 4 years old. Mr. Mom has run an in-home daycare for 15+ years. (His wife is a 3rd shift nurse.) My daughter (now 11 1/2 y.o. and who turned out nicely, thank you) learned amazing things from this man – like that men can take care of babies, do the dishes, cook and still teach “manly” things like fishing and football, too. Inside, I thank him daily for many things.

Really, anonymousmagic? Really? Must we dictate what a three year old is going to enjoy based on their gender? Maybe it would be nice for a little girl who has been told she is supposed to play Barbies and tea party to experience something different. Running around and playing sports is good for everyone, as is playing imaginatively. Gender really should have nothing to do with it. Perhaps a sitter could be chosen based on their rapport and similar interests to an individual child, rather than whether they are male or female.

My parents had no interest in gender roles and treated us all very equally. My brother and I both loved basketball, and while I hated Barbies, he was a big fan.

I have a 13 year old son who wants to take the Red Cross babysitting class so he can do some babysitting to earn some money.. He likes little kids and is a pretty level-headed boy.

BUT I’m flat out terrified that if he actually does babysit, something he might do or say will be misinterpreted and he’ll be accused of something. I’m encouraging him to forage for recylcables as an alternative cash-raising venture.

EricS,

Now, who’s being sexist? Gender doesn’t dictate a fun babysitter from a mediocre to bad babysitter. It matters whether a person enjoys spending time with children. I have spent nearly 30 years working with children in some capacity from being a teenage babysitter, to a preschool teacher, and finally a nanny. I have played with Barbies, had tea parties, built forts, had my knuckles smashed by overly enthusiastic preschoolers wielding action figures, and been shot numerous times by three year olds with toy machine guns and the children and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Being a female doesn’t make a child care provider boring; being a boring person makes for a boring child care provider.

I was part of a discussion on male babysitters recently, and I was surprised and saddened that the vast majority of moms said they would not trust a man or boy to babysit their children. One woman even said that other than her husband, she doesn’t allow any male family members to be alone with her young daughters, not even her own father! (She said there was no history of abuse and no reason to believe anything bad would happen, she just didn’t want to “risk it.” Poor grandpa.)

Personally, I don’t understand how society can treat men and boys with this kind of suspicion and hostility, accusing them of being creeps or pedos for simply enjoying the company of children, then expect them to do an about face and be attentive, doting family men with their own children. It makes no sense.

One of my friends was telling me about her mother’s next door neighbor. Apparently, while he was trying to help her get her car started he started talking to her about how men should be allowed to have sex with boys, and how it wasn’t illegal in Mexico and he might move there. She didn’t know what to say other than ummmm.

I wouldn’t let him babysit my kids.

She was worried he might come over and kidnap her 10 year old son. I told her not to worry too much. That boy is high functioning autistic and if he doesn’t want to do something – he is NOT going to do it and will let everyone in the neighborhood know! (She is another one worried about getting reported to CPS when he has meltdowns in public places.) She did talk with him about appropriate touch and all of that – without freaking him out about the neighbor. The next time they went up he had moved. I feel sorry for the boys in Mexico.

@Meagan – No, that kind of sexism is the good old fashioned kind, just with the genders flipped. Discrimination is like ice-cream flavours – each is unique in its own special way, but it’s all still ice-cream and should be easily recognisable as such. Go back to her article and replace the word ‘man’ with the word ‘jew’ or ‘black’ if you are having difficulty seeing the discriminatory language.

Sprinkle wasn’t admitting her biases so much as evangelising them – and I have a problem with that. She presents her attitude entirely normal and justified, and she doesn’t take one shred of responsibility for her own choices. She feels bad about it? Well woopty-do.

Why am I supposed to be ok with that kind of speech? It’s offensive and it’s wrong – would you be ok with your entire gender being blanket labelled as molesters? Sorry, but I expect her to stand on the merits of her assertions (and to do so today), not just let her libel my entire gender whilst she works out her issues (assuming she ever will).

Sprinkle needs to be rapped over the knuckles for her conduct – she’s writing for the NY Times for goodness sake, I expect better. As for Belkin, if she were a man, allowing a male guest writer to spew sexist remarks about women, you can bet she’d be out of a job quick smart.

I am absolutely a free-ranger, yet I would not hire a male babysitter for my daughters.

I used to work as a daily caregiver/counselor at a residential treatment center for sex offenders ages 12-17. These boys were all molesters, not violent rapists or anything, and they all “groomed” their victims the way we know child molesters do. I completely believe that 99% of males are good and would NEVER hurt my children, but in this case, because of my personal experience, I would just err on the side of caution.

And to add, I have no problems with my girls having lots of contact with males, such as teachers, other kids’ dads, etc. But if it’s a male that is going to have regular contact with them and COULD have the time and opportunity to groom, then I’m not going to go that route.

OK I guess I didn’t get the memo that all men were pedophiles. My kids visit the neighbors on a regular basis (some of whom are adult males), I use both male and female babysitters, and we have had male teachers in kindergarten, 1st and 3rd grade. I think my kids are fortunate to be able to interact with many different kinds of people and be free from the fear that everyone is out to get them. We actually do have someone on the sex offender registry in our neighborhood, but the kids know where he lives and to avoid that general area (even though I don’t think he poses a real threat). Life is so much more interesting when we see people as potential friends rather than probable enemies.

All in the name of children, we as a society not only condone, but actively promote:
-sexism
-discrimination
-distrust
-fear
-paranoia
-isolation

What are we really teaching the next generation? We are raising the next generation to be weaker and more fearful than the one before. We are not teaching them to rise, we are taeaching them to fail, to fall back, to hide, to cower.

Children will rise to the level to which they are exposed. We are exposing them to the lowest, most base parts of the human experience. No one has ever strived to create, to invent, to become greater than they are, while hiding from the truth. How can out kids see the sun when they live in dark cellers of ignorance?

@Jen – I was molested by a male babysitter when I was 7. Shockingly, it did not scar me for life. Children are FAR more resilient than they are given credit for. I knew, even then, that this was not a male thing but a THIS male thing. I have no intention of discriminating against the male role models in my sons’ lives because of an isolated incident in my own. Will I be vigilant? Of course! Will I assume the worst about the various males in my/my children’s lives? Absolutely not.

@ Jen – No one is asking you to be perfect. But we must all question our own prejudices from time to time, or we are not serving our children well and may, inadvertently pass along those same prejudices. Your choices are your own, and I’m not going to judge. Given your experience, I understand your choices. For me, I choose to defy my own experience and use the sitters I think are best suited to my children, regardless of gender.

Jen,

I try to beware of blanket statements for which the facts may be shaky due to cultural norms. More and more women are getting charged these days, and I still suspect that abuse by women is underreported or misreported. Mrs. Robinson not withstanding.

Kind of like the story I heard on NPR tonight about hate crimes, and how some large cities report none because that is easier. Or how colleges say that they have no sexual assaults because they blame the victims or turn the matter over to town police so that the college doesn’t have to include it in the stats that might turn away a parent or student.

The best thing is to probably know the person and get reliable references from other people. Not to use gender as the sole deciding factor. This gender discrimination is as bad as racism. Unless you are black/Muslim/Hispanic or other minority man, and then it is even worse. I have seen too many young people held down and held back because of their race, and now the gender too? I hate it.

It’s difficult because we live in a culture where rape is not only considered funny and a part of life, but also the woman’s fault. One in four women are sexually assaulted or raped in their lifetimes. So we’re constantly being taught that you have to be careful of men, that men will hurt you, that if you are not incredibly vigilant then it will be your fault that they do this to you, and if they do it then it wasn’t their fault, they just couldn’t control themselves/you led them on/you were pretty so you were asking for it/why were you out alone after the sun went down anyhow?

This is horrible but it also allows rapists to get away with this, which is why people make rape jokes and continue “rape culture” where it’s considered not only normal, but not a big deal, because really it doesn’t happen, it’s just a whiny woman who had second thoughts.

The number of people who would harm a CHILD in this way is a miniscule percentage in comparison. But making that mental leap — from one in four men is a rapist who will hurt ME, to one in four men will not hurt my CHILD — is incredibly difficult for people. It’s so ingrained to expect to be harassed on a daily basis (and to just suck it up and ignore it because gosh they’re COMPLIMENTING you, dontchaknow) it’s very difficult to not let that correlate with the same thing happening to my daughter, even though the same assholes who do it to me wouldn’t ever dream of hurting her.

Until she grows breasts, and then they’ll be happy to.

I wonder why worst-first moms (and dads) haven’t totally abandoned the Catholic Church yet?

This is a great post, Lenore. I grew up having summer babysitters and my absolute favorite was a male teenager–his summer between highschool and college. We spent all day for two months with him. He was simply so…much….fun.

There definitely is an irrational prejudice against men being with children. It’s unbelievably sad, it is irrational, and it’s essentially dangerous for society as a whole. Case in point: Last August I was at the pool with a summer friend. We were chatting and watching our children –her two girls and boy and my son and daughter. Somehow the topic of “having time for our adult selves” came up. Then we talked about babysitters–the lack there of, actually. I mentioned how it seemed that girls didn’t babysit so much these days but that a few 8th/9th grade neighborhood boys were a little less busy and so more available. Then she said, rather sheepishly, that her husband declared that her kids would never, ever have a boy babysitter.

And, of course, I thought…what about my son? And what about her son? If teen boys can’t babysit his children, and his son won’t be able to babysit children (as other parents should naturally feel the same way he does) then what’s next? Fathers can’t care for their children? Ludicrous, irrational and sad.

My *fear* about male babysitters has almost nothing to do with “creeping prejudice”, but I choose female babysitters over males regularly. I have six-year-old twin boys and I also teach high school. I tend to pull babysitters from my rather large population of students. The problem is that my boys are really BOYS, with a tremendous amount of physical energy that tend towards rough-housing. They need to be reminded to be safe, although I do let them range free. The teenage boys need the same reminding. On the rare occasion that I have had young males look after my boys, there has been a higher incident of injuries. (This happens with my husband, as well, but at least he has a fully developed frontal cortex that keeps him somewhat in check.) Ironically, my children don’t injure themselves when they are (a) walking the 1/2 mile home from the school bus by themselves, (b) building and lighting a fire in *their* wood stove in our house, or (c) exploring the outdoors on their own with me in the house. When they are in charge of themselves, they are fairly responsible (for six year olds). However, when they have a babysitter in charge, they abdicate some of their awareness of safety. I have found that females (in general) have a higher concern for physical safety and a much lower tolerance rate of the rough-housing. Thus, I feel much more at ease putting my boys in the charge of a teenage girl than a teenage boy.

Jen — “we all know that males are far more likely to “molest than females. And besides, now that my oldest is almost 11, I don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

Of course. Because no child over the age of eleven has ever been sexually abused.”

I think she means she won’t need babysitters anymore.

@RobC no I mean that my kids don’t need babysitters anymore.

I think people need to acknowledge that there’s a big difference between kids hanging out with a male and being babysat by male. If a neighbor guy is trying to fondle or say strange things to my daughter, most likely, she can leave his house and run home. If a male coach or teacher is doing something, chances are, there are enough people around that she can do something to make the teacher/coach back off out of fear of being noticed. But if I leave a guy in charge of my kids alone in the house, and something happens, they are pretty much defenseless. Everything I may have told them about yelling, running to another parent, etc., becomes meaningless. They are a small fraction of the size and strength of a man. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving them in that situation. I am sorry if it means some boys have to find some other way to earn pocket money and get their innocent kid fixes in other ways. (No offense meant by “kid fix” – I used to say I got my “kid fix” every time I visited with my nieces/nephews before I had kids. I just love kids!)

Like I said before, I haven’t hired young women / teen girls to be with my kids so far, either. Why? I haven’t met one (in the past 3 years) who acted like they could think 3 inches past their nose. Granted, I haven’t spent a lot of time looking, but that’s where I’m at.

It’s nice to talk about an ideal world where there is no discrimination whatsoever. But is that really wise? At some point, it is best to acknowledge an actual, non-arbitrary gender difference. And for those who want to be activist about gender disrimination (or anything else), I ask you to think twice before you use your kids as pawns in your activism. And as some above have said, please follow your gut if it goes against your political platform. Personally I feel that while molestation is not “the end of the world,” it is certainly not something to take lightly.

my husband has been harassed by Mall Security when dealing with (preverbal) 2-3 year old (he had a hearing impairment at the time) who was having a major melt down.
Even as the father of the child, he was seen as a “kidnapper” and “child abuser” and worse. One of the times, he was nearly detained by security but only because our son correctly identified “daddy” was he allowed to go. He sought me out and refused to leave my side for the rest of that trip.
I’ve watched security follow him out the door while he was carrying the tantrum throwing child, and followed behind yelling at the stupid jerk to leave my husband alone because the mother (me!) was right there.
My husband loves caring for kids, but he refuses to care for anyone else but ours because of the prejudices out there. He doesn’t want to be thrown in jail for simply watching a kid because someone freaks that a man is watching a child.
Society hasn’t just become corrupt. Society is scared of life.

Matt L, I never said men shouldn’t hang out with kids. My point was that I have no problem with kids “hanging out” with a male, but that’s different from locking my little girls up alone with a male whom I don’t know well (i.e., babysitting in my home). I guess I could have been more clear on that point.

However, to turn anything I said into “hatred and intolerance” toward all men is, I’m sorry, idiotic. And I haven’t called anyone a perv. Get a grip. You seem to be looking for a fight.

Matt L and SKL, if I may contribute.

I can tell you this much. I am a male. I am different than a woman, that’s for sure. The genders are different and are MEANT to be, I think.

But I’d like to know of one good reason why my being a guy means it’s okay to pre-judge me–that’s where the word prejudice comes from–based on this, in regards to my fitness to watch someone’s children. That is offensive I don’t give a damn what your experiences or observations of the past are. It takes a man to make a child as much as it takes a woman to have it, and heaven knows any man who doesn’t do his part is called a deadbeat.

In short–where it regards children, men are relevant, beneficial, and even necessary.

I watch my own 2 children, 3 ½ year-old girl and 1 ½ year-old boy, all day everyday while my wife works. Talk about breaking a stereotype! I can tell you this–when I bathe them both in the morning, and I see them as they were born, I just see 2 children. Period. When I take them to the lake and they’re in their bathing suits, I just see 2 kids, and the same goes for anyone else’s kids whom I see there as well. Sexuality-wise, they do NOTHING for me whatsoever. The other children there–same thing.

On the other hand, although I’m married and don’t seek to cheat (and never have), when I see a good-looking woman at the lake or pool in a bikini–it’s all I can do to not stare until my eyeballs pop out of their sockets.

But the kids? They don’t do a thing for me that way, and never have.

If someone were to say “well I don’t know that about you,” well I don’t care what you don’t know about me. That’s not my problem. It’s not my place, or any other man’s place, to prove that I’m not a pervert and to accept a “guilty until proven innocent” disposition–and yes, that also applies if I watch your children also. If you don’t trust me anymore than that, we have no relationship at all whatsoever–personally or professionally.

I was born a man, I made my children, I watch them, I even help with our 3 nieces-nephews–one of whom is a girl–and I owe no one an explanation or apology for being a man.

To see me as anything else, until I’ve done something awful to establish me as offensive, is itself offensive and of no value to our culture. It’s time we rid ourselves of it, because it sure as hell doesn’t belong here.

LRH

No, Matt, I did not say I assume that men will act this way. I am saying that I will not take that risk with my own 4-year-old daughters.

I will add that on the street I lived on from age 2-12, plus the next street over, there were 5 older males who I know from personal experience would and did take sexual liberties with children. Two of them did so with me, one with my sister (and I was there to see it and drag her away), and two with my brothers. Five men (at least) on just two relatively short streets in an ordinary residential neighborhood. So when I hear “it’s so rare,” I don’t believe it. That’s not the same as saying “every man is a perv.”

If other people feel good about male babysitters and choose to hire them, that is their business. I am not out campaigning against it. I posted my comment (the one that so offended you) because I felt people were responding very unfairly to the previous poster Jen, who honestly stated that her experiences prevented her from feeling comfortable about locking her kids up alone with a male she didn’t know well. Some of the responses to her (and now to me) were quite menacing. As if, we’d “better” hire a male babysitter or be hated and maybe go to hell for causing such huge problems in the world. I’m sure every decision you ever make considers “equal opportunity” first, right? Right.

By the way, my father has babysat and bathed my daughters. I know him, though. There are some other men I’d allow to babysit if they wanted to. But I’d need to know them pretty darn well.

I don’t understand why some people can’t make the simple distinction between avoiding a risk and accusing a whole gender.

Do you strap your kids into your car? Why? Most car trips do not involve accidents. An un-restrained child would come out perfetcly whole the vast majority of the time. Then aren’t you being stupid and obnoxious when you strap your kids in?

If babysitting were the only job available to males, I could see the outrage. But no, I do not believe I have single-handedly caused the unemployment rate in my neighborhood. In fact, no male other than my dad has ever offered to babysit my kids. (And no, it’s not because I put men down every chance I get.) So, I think this is about as close to a non-issue as it can be.

However, I feel the same as you about stuff like child care and changing baby diapers.

Matt and Larry and Donna and Lisa and various others,

Maybe your tone would be different if you our your child or loved one had been molested.

SKL – if you were not prejudiced against all men you would not say you wouldn’t leave your daughters alone with one.

Why would you equate babysitting with locking up a child? What the hell is that about?

I don’t demand anyone hire a male babysitter, I do find it offensive that you would prejudge men. Your personal tragedy gives you the right, as a mother, to determine what is best for your child. You can make all the decisions you would like under whatever process works for you.

Keep in mind that when you write your ideas and opinions on the internet you are ipso facto advocating them, so yes, you are “out there campaigning against it.” And when you do that someone sending an opposing response is not picking a fight.

“I don’t understand why some people can’t make the simple distinction between avoiding a risk and accusing a whole gender.”

Because your so-called avoiding a risk is in fact a statement that an entire gender is a threat to molest your children. You are only avoiding the risk that a male will molest your child and discount the risk that a female will molest (beat, kill, etc) your child. Both are possible but extremely unlikely.

It is not about impact to the unemployment rate. You are intelligent enough to realize that that was a ridiculous statement. I’m sure that you would not say that it’s okay that women are prevented from being doctors even if that prevention had no impact on overall unemployment rates. It’s about an entire gender being prevented from doing a job for which they are qualified based solely on the fact that they have a penis.

By the way, I’d love for this discussion to include the families of those children who were molested by the boys Jen worked with. They let those boys babysit. I’m sure they thought it was perfectly safe, maybe even a progressive act on their part. Perhaps they were afraid to say “no” because it would make someone feel bad. It turns out they made the wrong decision for their children. Fact.

“my daughter alone with a male babysitter whom I don’t know.”

You act like we are advocating picking men up off the street and hiring them to baby sit children. Any potential babysitter, whether male or female, should be very highly recommended and vetted before ever left alone with a child.

And close family members of mine have been molested. I have also been in 2 serious car accidents but that doesn’t stop me from driving.

Your comparison to seat belts is idiotic. There is nothing bigoted about putting on a seatbelt or intolerant about putting on a seatbelt. It is not a statement that a particular group of people can’t be trusted but another group can. Many people’s seatbelt wearing has nothing to do with safety at all. I wear a seatbelt because I don’t want to pay a $25 ticket every few weeks or so (and the police stand in my neighborhood and ticket people there for failing to wear a seatbelt regularly). Maybe if I made more money, I’d be more willing to forgo the seatbelt but I don’t have an extra $25 for stupid stuff so I wear it.

“I know that most men are safe with children. I also know that some men are not. That is a fact. You deny and ignore it at your own (or your child’s) risk.”

Hmmm. Many female babysitters have abused or murdered their charges. I’m sure that there have been some female babysitters who molested their charges. While most women are safe with children some are not. That is a fact. You deny and ignore it at your own (or your child’s) risk. Therefore nobody should ever hire any babysitter whatsoever. Seems like the epitamy of helicopter thinking to me.

So Donna,

1) Close family members of yours have been molested, yet you consider this “extremely unlikely”?

2) So we are allowed to consider actual risk only when nobody’s feelings can be hurt?

There is nothing “bigoted” about acknowledging that a much higher percentage of molesters are males than females. And also that the percentage of males who, given the chance, will molest children is not effectively zero. Whatever rate you consider acceptable before gender discrimination is allowed should be the same rate of risk at which you take any other precautions – helmets, safety belts, smoke alarms, vaccinations, choking hazards, etc.

Yes. Two family members of mine were molested in two very different settings many years apart. Neither were part of a hermit family so they both interacted with thousands of men during their childhoods. They were free range too. Of those thousands of strange men that they came in contact with 2 were identified molestors. I also have many other family members – the vast majority of them actually since I have well over 2 relatives – who were never molested at all. So basically of my entire family, 2 members have been molested by 2 of the many thousands of men that they encountered during their lifetime. Yeah, I’d say that it’s extremely damn rare to be molested.

“And also that the percentage of males who, given the chance, will molest children is not effectively zero. ”

And, in fact the percentage of female babysitters who will murder your children if given a reason is not effectively zero so all babysitting should be ended.

“Whatever rate you consider acceptable before gender discrimination is allowed should be the same rate of risk at which you take any other precautions — helmets, safety belts, smoke alarms, vaccinations, choking hazards, etc.”

Actually no it shouldn’t. I don’t treat all risks identical. I look at the impact on my life of engaging in the risk. For example, wearing a seat belt makes abolutely no impact on my life therefore I am unwilling to accept the miniscule risk on every individual trip that I will need the seatbelt. On the other hand, driving a car is a necessity in my current life so I am willing to accept the risk that I will get into an accident on the way home tonight that will kill me (seatbelt or not).

I will also look at the impact of the risk on other people. I may be willing to take the risk of driving 100 mph but I don’t drive 100 mph because it ‘s not fair to the other people on the road.

Telling someone that they are not trusted to do a job because they have a penis is inherently different than wearing a seatbelt because you might have an accident.

@ SKL – Possible but my family is pretty open about those things.

Molestation has nothing to do with sexy and everything to do with vulnerability. A child molester picks someone that can be easily manipulated and will be unlikely to tell. That is why the vast majority of molestation victims come from dysfunctional households. I don’t know your home situation as a child but something made your family particularly vulnerable to child molestors. For most people, that will not be the case since I’ve yet to hear of another family in which all the family members have been molested by different people and this is what I do for a living.

] “Statistically, more men are sexual predators, but statistically, more black people commit violent crimes — so I wonder why it’s still socially acceptable to discriminate against men but not so against black people?”

The position of a babysitter is not an equal opportunity job. It’s a private transaction involving trust, personal preference, and individual needs, where discrimination for all sorts of reasons occurs and is generally considered socially acceptable. If I am an Orthodox Jew, and I prefer to hire an Orthodox Jewish babysitter over an evangelical Christian babysitter to watch my children, what of it? People pick the babysitters with whom they are MOST COMFORTABLE, and if they are not comfortable with a male babysitter, there is nothing wrong in declining to hire a male babysitter.

Also, while it’s true that “more black people commit violent crimes,” it is NOT true that over 80% of ALL violent crimes are committed by black people. It isn’t that “more men molest children,” it’s that if a girl is molested, 94% of the time, she is molested by a male; even if it’s a boy that’s molested, 80% of the time, he’s molested by a male.

NO, I don’t think that most males are child molesters. I do know, however, that **more than most** child molesters are males, as a statistical fact. It’s certainly true that MOST males are NOT out to molest kids. But those rare few who ARE out to molest kids (the serial molesters, who though small in number account for the largest number of cases) intentionally gravitate toward child care roles. And no, this doesn’t mean that all males who want to be in the child care profession are molesters. What all this does mean is that you dramatically reduce your odds of hiring someone who will sexually molest your daughter (or even your son, but especially your daughter) if you hire a female. If dramatically reducing those odds is important to you (and it may be if you yourself were molested as a child), then in all likelihood, consciously or subconsciously, the gender of the babysitter you hire probably will at least * factor in * to your thinking.

There are trade offs in every safety decision. People who refuse to hire male babysitters may miss out on some great babysitters.

To me, keeping my children pinned up in the house all day while hovering over them has far too many losses associated with it. But choosing to hire a female babysitter instead of a male babysitter has moderately few losses associated with it.

Whether I personally would hire a male or not I don’t know. I’ve never had one apply or offer to babysit my kids. If I did, I’m sure I would take into account all sorts of factors, and possibly hire him. But if I had to choose between two equally available and seemingly responsible babysitters, one male and one female, I would probably hire the female.

I think we can all agree that children should only be left in the care of people we know and trust. They should not be “locked up” they should be taught how to evade people who make them uncomfortable and roam free and confident.

The U.S. Justice Department figures are Roughly 33% of girls and 14% of boys molested before the age of 18.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/fbi-video-enabled-barbie-sexual-predators/story?id=12306741

please tell me you have seen this!

And I know none, so I guess I can make it 10%… This can go on and on!

Why are we arguing about the semantics? The only thing that will keep our kids save is to know the caregivers as well as possible and teach the kids to kick bite punch, run out of the “locked up” house and tell an adult. We cannot prevent all bad things as sad as that is. Saying that because 95% of molestations are perpetrated by ~5% (a guess) of the male population, men shouldn’t be alone with kids is insane.

“Based on my own friendships, I’d guess 25% was the more likely figure.”

Right, because enough for you is references, nice in person and a vagina if not blood relative got it.

Thank you Scott. Abuse does not have to sexual to cause lasting damage!

@enyawface: We men do need to stand up for ourselves, and that includes helping out the lost kid at the gym, even if there’s a small risk you might be labelled a predator for it. If people don’t see men helping kids, if kids don’t have positive experiences with adult males, then of course men are going to look creepy.

As for this “Feminazi” crap: I am a proud feminist and have no desire to lock myself (as a man) in a little cage. There are a few women out there who have suffered greatly at the hands of men and have become bitter about it, but defining feminism in terms of those few women is like defining men in terms of the few predators out there: absurd. (Never mind the way the term makes light of the Holocaust.) What feminism should NOT be expected to do, however, is to fight for the rights of men; they may lend support, but ultimately that battle is ours.

It boils down to this: acceptable risk. And that is different for everyone. None of us here has had the same life experiences, so acceptable risk is different for all of us. Therefore, there is no need or room for the judgment of others.

I am not going to tell any of you that you are crazy to have male babysitters, I don’t believe that. But I know that both myself and my husband are NOT comfortable with it.

Matt brings up a point that I have long been curious about: “Saying that because 95% of molestations are perpetrated by ~5% (a guess) of the male population…”

Does anyone know the actual statistic for this?

Also, I’ve long wondered about the “25% sexually assaulted” statistic. How is “sexual assault” defined for this reporting? Please, I don’t want lurid details, but does anyone know if it includes events like “having your ass grabbed by a stranger as you walk through a crowd” or “creepy older person shows you a page from a porn magazine”?

Thanks

Tim
A Kinsey report suggests that statistically, 95% of all statistics are incorrect.

Tim
On the serious side though, it depends on who did the study. Some of these studies on this matter include simply being looked at in a way that makes you uncomfortable. In that case, I guess I’m assaulted about 20 times a day every time I walk out the door.

Stuart,
Funny you should mention Bible quotes. The main two places I’ve ran into this whole men with children fear was at Seminary and at Church. While at Seminary, several of the kids from the family housing used to come over and hang out with us in the men’s dorm. Never knew of any problem, but soon they instituted a policy that children were not allowed in the men’s dorm. One of my fellow student’s was a recently divorced father, this meant he could no longer bring his two son’s to visit on his weekends. It also put two of the boys from the family housing out of work as a few of us guys paid them to do chores in the dorm. Vacuum the dorm hallways, carry the trash down the 2 flights of stairs, no longer allowed because of the possible accusations that could result.
The 2nd was at my church. I took over driving the church van. The previous driver had made the excuse that he needed to move due to family reasons, after a couple of months, I found out the real reason. Every year we had Vacation Bible School and went door to door in the church neighborhood inviting everyone to attend. This often resulted in many neighborhood kids attending. At the end of VBS we would always ask t kids if they wanted to continue coming to church, and the ones who didn’t come with parents we would pick up on the church van. Our new pastor had made some rules the driver didn’t agree with, and that was why he quit. The pasotr just assumed that since I was in Seminary with him that I would take “all precautions”, the proverbial manure hit the fan when he found out that on a particularly hot day, I had promised the VBS kids, that at the end of summer, I would take all the kids with perfect attendance for Sunday school swimming at the local beach and I had taken the two boys with perfect attendance as promised. He also didn’t like that as a favor to their mother, who was trying to put food on the table, I was picking them up first and dropping them off last even though they lived a few block from the church, this was so that their mother could go work, sometimes I would even keep them with me for a few hours after church. This was fully explained to mom that this was an arrangement between me and her, not with the church. We were becoming good friends, and she trusted me with her kids, but the Pastor was appalled at the “situation” I was exposing the church to, what f one of the kids should say something. I was told from that point on, that I could not pick up any children whose parents were not attending church with them, and could never be alone with a child in the church van. The church lost another driver that day, as to accommodate the rule I would have had to start the route an extra hour earlier and no one wanted to be picked up 2 hours before church.

Stuart,
I wish that were true here, unfortunately, it seems to be generally accepted here (or at least with the people I most come into contact with), that all gay men are attracted to young boys. Because I don’t have a regular girlfriend, and I live with an older male (an older family friend who often travels overseas for his work , wanted someone to take care of his house, and doesn’t want to be alone when he is home) many of the people who don’t know me well often assume I must be gay. It also doesn’t help that the young gay men that visit our resort seem to gravitate to me during their visit, and being comfortable in my own skin, I don’t mind talking with them and being a good host.
It never fails that I always hear some version of the pedo fear when kids are visiting the resort. The guy who runs the concessions often has kids around, and is older. I’ve heard a few of the single hens off in the corner talking about that, and one morning when I had spent the night and gone up to the camp fire to heat some coffee, there also happened to be one of the regular kids there.He struck up a conversation and within minutes up comes running one of the hens, as soon as he left for something. “You really shouldn’t be up here at the fire alone with a boy, what will people think?” I’m like, I’m in an open place, with 20 houses facing it and nearly 300 people camping out around me, plus, I’ve been going to this place over 5 years and never has anyone complained about anything I’ve done, and for something like that to be insinuated, just because I am a single male….
I know for me, I am disgusted with the constant male bashing, it seems to start against males these days at birth, if your born with a penis you are bound to be a rapist or a pedo.In IT work I sometimes monitor chat and social networks, it both amazes me and appalls me as I see children often accuse each other of being pedophiles simply because a boy might say that a girl is cute, or a young gay teen, tells another boy that he thinks is gay in a gay teen chat that the boy is cute, and next thing I see, someone is saying they are both pedophiles.
Some days, I really do think the safest thing for us guys and for kids is to just stop having kids. Then some stupid thing comes on TV ( that pasta commercial with the kid slurping up the spaghetti, all over his face, whipping it on his white shirt)) and reminds me of all the good times I’ve had with kids in the past. And that “unnatural male yearning” to have a child of my own kicks in again.

Jen,
I am all for feminist and equality. No problem with it. Femi-Nazis however are not. They are nothing about equality, as I stated before, Femi_Nazis stand on the firm belief that all males are the spawn of Satan and should be exterminated, except for the use of fertilization. Feminism and Femi-Nazis are not related except that they both start off with Femi. Kind of like Homogenized Milk and Homosexuality.

Jen,
Can you show us were it is proven that men are more likely to molest children than women? You also stated that it is a crime of opportunity. It is a very obvious and indisputable fact that women would have abundantly more opportunity than a man to molest a child, just by mere time spent with children than any other fact alone.

Jen,
I am quite well educated in the matter. Nor am I blinded by light. You were the one making the statement that it is a fact that men are so much more predisposed to molest children, where do you get your information?

Anyone notice how many of the comments here imply that males are the coolest babysitters? But that’s not sexist.

Not that I care about my concern being gender-based. Just pointing out the hypocrasy.

Larry,

Amen

Jen: if you can say “more men are molesters” and base an argument on it, then someone else can base an argument on “more men are physically active”. Both are probably true. Neither is relevant when you’re dealing with individual people.

Enyawface: You speak of these “feminazis” as if they have some influence or power over society. They’re a lunatic fringe; forget about them. (And considering that U.S. conservatives frequently use the term as a synonym for feminists, you may want to consider a different term if you want to be understood.)

@Larry Harrison

A heterosexual man arguing that there is a biological or evolutionary basis for *monogamous marriage* has got to be the single most outlandish idea in this entire thread. (Yes, it’s a stereotype – and this is where it belongs, in the middle of a joke).

@SKL

Short of precognition, I don’t see how this is possible for any prospective sitter (whether they have a penis or not). It’s like asking how do I know that they won’t shake the baby?

Either you trust them or you don’t – all due prudence aside, that’s what leaving your kids in the care of others always boils down to.

@SKL

Familial relationship is the primary risk factor. That’s the answer (statistically, anyway – the idea that you can distil complex human behaviour down to single variables in practice is doomed to failure).

For me personally, discounting somebody solely on gender is flawed. I don’t think it’s right when it’s done to women, or when it’s done to men. What more can I say than that?

@SKL

We’ve gotten out of step in the replies.

Nobody is asking you to ignore statistics, merely to understand their limits. There is no way that a stat is ever going to tell you about an individual with certainty – statistics are tools best suited to large populations and their management.

SKL,
Actually, you are correct, most terrorists are right handed.

“Stuart, you are ignoring the 31% that are non-relatives.”

Of which a lot of them are “mom’s boyfriend.” Not legal or blood relatives, but part of the domestic situation.

Okay, gotta say a couple things… one, @ SKL… I find it unfortunate that you have an attitude towards teens that they can’t think 3 inches past their noses. When your own daughter is a teen, and others think that way about teen girls, you will be very crabby about it, believe me.

And, I just saw a horrifying video of a woman, in a home, working as a nanny with, I believe, a 10 month old baby. Suffice it to say, the parents, who had done background checks and referencing, developed some concerns and installed a nannycam, the resultant video from which got the woman, let me repeat, WOMAN, an 8 year sentence for child abuse.
Also, as to the tone might be different if I or a loved one had actually been molested… both of my brothers were. By males. One, the older one, was routinely sexually abused by a trusted teacher for many years. It was a religious situation, and the boys lived to together with their male teachers, who had taken vows of celibacy. Sound familiar? But they weren’t Catholic. Anyway, he was incredibly damaged. Suffered from severe mental illness, and eventually, after years of attempts, took his life almost 12 years ago at the age of 26. About 10 of the boys he grew up around have committed suicide as a long term result of the abuse they suffered. The younger brother was stranger-abducted and molested. We got him back, he was just past 5, about to start kindergarten. He was gone over 10 hours after being taken out of the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park. My mom was 8 months pregnant with our baby sister. I was 17. The sister after me, age 14, was watching him at the playground.
So, based on this, my mom and I should be the biggest helicoptering parents around, right? But no. We get that it was those particular people who perpetrated those crimes. Additionally, there were several other abductions, both stranger and non-custodial, that occurred in a very small time-span in the early ’80s near and in our family.
Also, I think it’s an assumption to say that the boys Jen worked with assaulted small children they were babysitting. Maybe they were not babysitting. Perhaps they were older cousins at a holiday gathering. Perhaps they were neighbor kids, or friends of older siblings of the molested children. So, that’s a big leap.

And at Kimberly… good thing you didn’t hire MY daughter!! Of my two kids, my younger son was definitely the one who was more risk aware and risk averse than his older sister. She was the roughhouser, he was the cautious one who preferred to be left alone with a good book, and the one who genuinely enjoyed little kids and dolls.

She’s now 20, and has bailed on her own little boy. Maternal?! HA!! My son? He’s 18, and can keep his nephew entertained and safe. Hard to say, but I’ve done it… Had my son, at 16, stay the weekend with his small nephew, then 2, in preference to the boy’s own mother while Grampa and I went out of town for an anniversary. Uncle is much better at being engaged, and patient, and making sure that teeth are brushed, kid gets read to, and nicely tucked in than mom is. He also wakes. up. in. the. morning. when little dude does, as opposed to Mommy, who turns on cartoons and rolls over amid much bitching and moaning.

Gender does not a good kid watcher make, or not make! Personality and temperament do. Bad experiences of course influence our decisions, and help to create our worldview, but we also have rational minds. How many of us have been in car accidents, and continued to drive? How many of us have fallen off of a bike, and continued to ride? Broken a bone skiing and not given it up? Had a bad hair cut but gotten it cut again? Had food poisoning, and eaten that same food again (chicken…)?

Bad crap happens to everyone, but we can’t live our lives in fear of it happening again. Isn’t that kind of the whole point of this? That we look at the facts and the rationality, and don’t let our fear emotions take over, even if we’ve personally experienced some of those very things that we fear? If I continued to let my fear of stranger abduction rule my parenting, which I would be valid in, given my experience with my brother, I would be in the ‘Lenore is the worst mom in the world’ camp, right?

SKL, since statistics show male relatives are the most likely to molest, why do you leave your girls with your father?

Just asking.

A commenter on the article posted a couple good links:

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm08/cm08.pdf

http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html

gramomster, I’m truly sorry for your loss.

My brothers and I had a male, college-aged babysitter who for a year or two watched us some weekend nights. Barry also went on at least one family vacation with us. It never seemed weird to us or my parents, but in fairness, Barry’s mom did work for my parents at their store, so they knew him and the family well. He was great. A lot of fun. Ran into him two years ago at a funeral after not seeing him for probably 15 years.

If I had several kids, including a boy, I would consider hiring a male sitter, but with one daughter, I honestly might not (can’t say for sure; have never really considered it).

Research has proven that statistically, brown eyed people are lazy and stupid, and they make the worst baby sitters for your chidlren.
I saw it, it was on Oprah, so it ha be true.
😀

If SKL wrote:

“it’s not like I go around treating blacks differently. I just quietly pass on the opportunity to hire one. Nobody needs to even know I’ve given it a moment’s thought. In fact, the only time this thought has come up is in discussions like this, because there are no blacks asking for the job around me.”

Would anyone think that is okay?

@ Oncefallendot com: Reagrding John Walsh’s analogy about a Doberman being more likely to bite than a poodle, he’s actually wrong there too.

Untreated aggression in small dogs is a huge problem. A lot of times, they’re seen as accessories and not trained properly. Some owners even think it funny to see their fluffy little purse-sized dog flip out like that. People are often ashamed to report the bites for the same reason. They would take a bite from a Dobie, Akita or Rottie much more seriously, even though no dog bite feels good.

Actually, maybe it is sort of an appropriate analogy, that people need to look beyond stereotypes to what’s actually in front of them. Don’t stereotype chihuahuas as sweet and harmless, look for signs of aggresion and stress, and if you see any, don’t fuck with the dog. And don’t stereotype males as creepy pedophiles and females as trustworthy: interview both, check their references, maybe even have a meet-and-greet with them and your kids with you present but not hovering so you can see how everyone responds to each other.

SKL, so in actuality, you would do exactly what people are suggesting here. You would hire a male (even minority) to watch your kids. The caveat being that…you would have to know them first.

Me too. My criteria for having a sitter has a lot to do with actually knowing them, especially if they are younger, and knowing that if they are pretty young that they have parental support available as back up. I think that reasonable people here are suggesting that one should know the person, that one take into account their maturity level, that parents not leave their child with someone that they just met off the street. I wouldn’t take my child to a daycare and just drop them off. I want to make sure that they have reasonable amount of cleanliness and safety, that the kids have activities and toys to play with and not just sit in front of a TV all day.

Vetting a babysitter is the same thing – I just don’t disqualify the better babysitter because that one happens to be male in favor of the less qualified female. You have given the impression that you would take the less qualified female over the better qualified male.

My mom had the situation Cheryl was describing – a teen uncle vs. teen aunt to occasionally babysit her toddler boys. She gave each of them a try. Aunt, despite being older, was a miserable failure. Uncle did better, so he got the job. But again, Mom knew her brother.

The best babysitter I have is male and of a different race than me. I love him more than words can describe! My son is high energy and very strong willed- he’s scared off more than one young ambitious woman. This man has no fear. He never raises his voice (which I do!) and my son thinks he’s the greatest thing ever. To tell you the truth, if he ever moves away I’ll be looking for another man to watch my son. It does help he’s a family friend, but it seems men work best for my son. (Our backup is a slightly crazy lesbian)

Hey, another thought just popped into my mind. How come we haven’t heard from any fathers of little girls, saying how often they hired males they didn’t know to babysit their daughters? Hello out there???

Oh and by the way, would it be possible to have a discussion on this site without name-calling each other? I don’t know about you, but it tends to distract me from the points people are trying to make.

SKL,

You know, mother’s in the wild DO eat their young, right? No harm there. 😛

I love your blog Lenore! This is one I struggle with because I was molested by a male babysitter. Totally fine with my father though, and my brother was a babysitter growing up also .. will definitely keep an open mind to it none-the-less.. I realize my situation isn’t the norm.

OMG, I used to babysit when I was a teen. I never thought of gender being an issue. Now, as a daddy, will I hire a male to watch my three girls? I don’t think so.

No, wait! I already let my guy friends watch them–and they are all different colors. Crap, now I’m confused…..

NOOOO! The cell phone will make them stupid – try messenger pigeons.

@enyawface: I love it! Someone needs to make a baby onesie: “Gotta bottle, gotta knife, gotta phone…who needs babysitters?”

As someone who worked with youth charged with sexual offenses for over 10 years, about 70% were male babysitters. It is often a crime of opportunity. I have two children, and never will I have a male babysitter. Sad? Maybe. Safer-yup.

@sg Been there done that myself. You say charged, how many were actually convicted. Or are u in another one of those states were all they have to do is say the kid did something and they can take him and put him away?
What 20years ago was considered, boys being boys, or simple child’s play, is today, children abusing children. Ask yourself, how can a child at one moment be a victim because they can not consent, but then the same child can be labeled a pedophile for committing the same act they can’t consent to?
One of the many reasons I got out of the this line of work, it is a product of the Femi-Nazi movement, all males are guilty because they are males.
In Utah, 2 14yo’s are both victims of “sexual abuse” for having consensual sex with each other, they are both also registered sex offenders for committing a sex act with a minor, each other
In Illinois a 14yo boy was sentenced to one year in a sex offenders program for adults, during that year he was sexually assaulted by adult males in the program 4 times. The reply of the prosecutor, the boy got his treatment. The offense that sent the boy to the program, A reactionary punch to a female student, the punch happened to hit her breast. She weighed 145 lbs, he weighed 90 lbs. The reactionary punch was made after she taunted him in the hallway and punched him in the genitals, she was never charged. The prosecutor, was a female. This is what we do to our boys today.

Stuart, “fervent hatred”? Have you checked in with a shrink lately?

enyawface, we now have at least 2 people here saying they have spent quality time with these young men, yet you insist they are operating based on fiction or fantasy. Pointing out one case where the justice system screwed up doesn’t disprove all the other cases, particularly those in the personal experience of posters here.

Finally, I note that out of all the over 200 comments here, just one was from a dad who let a man babysit his little girls and MAYBE didn’t know the guy well first (he didn’t say one way or the other). On the other hand, a number of women have stated they’ve used male babysitters for their daughters. So if this is hate-based, I guess men hate men. Oh, and some of the comments above by men against women sound pretty hateful, too.

PS, I don’t think anyone here is “proud” of the concerns we have stated. “Honest” seems a more accurate word. In fact, my first comment began with “here is where I am weak.”

But please don’t waste another comment post just to call me names again. We all know I’m a sexist, hateful bigot already.

Look, bigotry is not okay. It’s not okay to be a private bigot, and it’s not okay to be a public bigot. Bigotry is offensive, which is why so many people in this forum are offended.

If it is okay for you to reject hiring men and boys as babysitters just because they are male, then it’s okay for me to reject hiring women as engineers because women aren’t as good at math. (And yes, the SAT data does suggest that, for large populations, men are a little better than women.)

It’s not okay. The woman I interview today may be much better at math than the man I interview tomorrow. She may have other skills that also make her a better fit for my position. Assuming that she’s less qualified, just because she lacks a penis, is offensive.

Assuming that men may be perverts because there are more male than female perverts (particularly when male perverts are small fraction of the population) is equally, perhaps even more offensive, and it’s not okay either.

So the reason you hear outrage is because your position is outrageous. The reason you hear people taking offense is because your position is offensive.

We shouldn’t tolerate discrimination against women simply because they are female. It’s demeaning, short-sighted, narrow-minded offensive behavior.

And that’s not true just for women.

Maybe there would be more peace on this thread if Lenore had said, “please share your views if you’d hire a male babysitter under the circumstances I described, and keep quiet if you wouldn’t.”

Wow, it’s really amazing that the world seems to be full of people who never discriminate under any circumstances (based on the comments here, at least). I would not have known this by looking around myself.

And you cannot compare hiring someone for a job to hiring someone to care for your children. If you hire the wrong person at work, maybe they make some mistakes. If you hire the wrong person to care for your child….well, you all know what CAN happen. It’s not about what WILL happen.

It all comes down to risk assesment. And I cannot judge yours anymore than you can judge mine-you have not lived the same life experiences I have. I am not putting my kids’ safety in the hands of statistics when it comes to sexual molestation. That happens FAR more than kidnapping and murder. Far more than any of you know.

Do I need to describe, in detail, the things I have heard these teenage molestors describe to get all of you to understand the trauma that it inflicts on a mother with young daughters? If I were to leave my daughters with a male babysitter, I would NOT be able to get those images out of my head, but you all want me to ignore it because I am being bigoted? Try a little realism here…

Yep, you’re right. I misread the numbers. I apologize.

1344 fatalities, versus 68,000 sex abuses, and about twice that in physical abuse. 540,000 neglect cases.

Jen – would it be wrong for me to say that because I was depansed and spanked by a female babysitter as a child in front of my brother that I will not hire women? That is my life experience and it’s just not practical. We all have life experiences to explain our positions but need to understand the ramifications of our words and actions. Your position offends some (me) and I say so. You and SKL use victimhood as umbrage for prejudice. I understand where it comes from and I disagree with the result. I am disheartened that you and SKL think having a penis is a disqualification for employment and it really (obviously) upset me.

And comparing a bare-bottomed spanking to sexual molestation is the most offensive thing posted on here so far.

However, in your selfish “caring” what are you really teaching your children about men, and by denying them the exposure to trusted males, just because they are males and have a penis and may harm your child, what harm are you yourself doing to your daughter who is a future women, and whether you like it or not, will someday have to face exposure to the male’s in this world. You can wrap your daughters in a bubble and try to protect them from all of the “what-if’s” in the world, but some day that bubble will burst.
I know that I myself, would rather have an enlightened and empowered child than a neurotic and fearful one.
As a victim of abuse, it does effect the choices you make in your life and the lives of those you are responsible for. However, you can choose to live your life in fear and make those choices in fear, allowing your abuser to win, or you can choose to live life, enjoy it, and empower your self and those around you. ( If you want to hear abuse stories and a reason to resent males and believe they are the scum of the earth, let me tell you about my childhood and my life story. I chose empowerment and triumph over being a victim.)

Your comments posted thus far would not lead one to presume otherwise.

Again though, why are we still talking about hiring baby sitters? I thought we solved that issue. Baby bottle, swiss army knife, cell phone…… The kids all set, who needs baby sitters?

If I were in the position of having to interview babysitters, I would include my children in the interview and get their opinion as well. If it progressed to a point that I might hire that individual, there would definitely be some supervised interaction between them and my child before hiring them, and my child’s opinion would play into the decision.

So girls who don’t have male babysitters grow up to be wimps? I don’t think so. I never had one and I was a lot more daring than any of my brothers or most of the boys (or girls) in town. My kids have never had one and they are pretty independent for their age.

It sounds good to say that exposing your kid to this or that is going to make them a certain way, but there are far too many competing inputs into a girl’s development. Genetics, first of all; then, their moms’ demostrated confidence, how their dad treats them and their mom – that’s probably 99% of it right there. The % of impact made by whether or not the mom embraced the idea of male babysitters for little girls? Probably about the same as my passing them over makes on the overall male unemployment rate. Effectively zero.

Like Jen said, it’s not like we sit our girls down and say “the reason I am not leaving you alone with __ is because he might try to molest you.” And it’s not like they have no positive male role models. But you say that’s not enough? At what point in human history has it been considered essential to have young girls holed up alone with males?

Jen, come on – it is not a direct comparison I am telling you my life experience. People compared a woman beating the crap out of a child to sexual molestation which is apples to oranges as well.

I’m thankful my life has been less traumatic than yours.

Holy majolies, what’s with all the hate? Sorry about everyone who was molested as children but stop attacking people on the comments section!!

Although I’ve not read through the whole loads of comments, I finally had to respond after SKL’s sexist, idiotic, vile post.

I was sexually abused – by two males. But unlike YOU, SKL, I don’t project my experience onto others. If I did: all black men would be suspect (I’ve been attacked by black men before and threatened on other ocassions), all women would be out of the question (I am curently in two nursery placements and the women (generally – there’s been one exception that I’ve seen) get frustrated very easily and hardly get involved with the children except to ocassionally have a hug FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT and to kiss a child (weirdly, on the lips sometimes – something I think should be reserved for family and close friends even if it just a peck)), and white people would be out of the question as my abusers were white. I also wouldn’t trust any family member or close friends as statistically most abusers are family.

Perhaps the worst thing about your extremely offensive posts is that you are encouraging little boys to be brought up as second class citizens who, according to your views, are likely to be perverts when they grow up.

It’s also bad that you don’t even recognise that what people are saying to you is true, yet instead try to separate two things that are exactly the same, just worded different (like trying to separate “wouldn’t take the risk” from “men are likely to sexually abuse my child” – it’s the same thing). You have some serious maturing to do.

And do you realise that by your prejudices (which your children WILL notice even if you don’t say them openly), you are teaching your children that men outside the family are bad and that men are supposed to be bad and that that’s what girls should expect from men? Whereas the children in one of the nurseries I do a placement at (the other is rubbish) see good male role models (there are at least 3 men there including myself) and know therefore how men are supposed to behave and would therefore likely challenge badly behaved men when older.

You disgust me. I wouldn’t trust YOU near my kids if I had any – you’d likely let them run into the road than let a man stop them, due to your paranoia.