Hi Readers! I’m in Toronto today to do the Marilyn Denis Show this morning and a free nnffkfhede
talk tonight. It’s at the Beverly Acre Public School in Richmond Hill, just north of Toronto, 7 – 9 p.m. Maybe see you there? Hope so!
And if you are interested in being on my reality show, please drop a note to Sylvia Lee: slee@cineflix.com, or call her at 1-416-504-7317 ext. 618.We’re looking for families in/near Toronto or New York City who are overprotective but ready (or almost ready) to loosen the reins a bit, with a visit from yours truly. — L
19 Comments
Ooh, if I can get my husband to stay here with the kids, I’ll be there…
Good luck Lenore!
Also, I thought you’d be interested to know a town near us, not know for being super progressive or anything, had big street signs up announcing that the week of May 23 was “Ride Your Bike to School Day!” Perhaps a bit of progess!
Are kids allowed to come to the talk?
The line between being overprotective and protecting your child is very fine. Every time I see you being interviewed on televsion, I hear a lot of doublespeak. You insinuate the media is what blows ‘rthe danger level (read crime rate) out of proportion. Despite the stats you quote, I think you’re wrong.
I am 45 years old, grew up in the city of Toronto, and very vividly remember 2 cases when a child went missing, and later found dead. I can even remember their names.
The point I’m trying to make is that when children go missing, it is alweays a big deal, and the media always sensationalizes these stories. The difference is these days, you hear these stories much more often, and of other stories where children are beign harrassed, molestred and abused. I don’t know that the crime rates, or murder rates have dropped. All I know is that there is a general loss of common decency. People don’t come to each others aid as quickly, don’t look out for each other like they used to. The sense of community has been lost, and that may very well be one of the results of living in urban satellite communities. You can’t rely on the kndness of strangers to ‘look out’for your kids; you have to do it yourself. I do agree that kids have to learn life lessons on their own, but I think guiding your children and protecting them is a good thing, not a bad thing as some suggest.
“The difference is these days, you hear these stories much more often, ”
Stop right there. That’s it — the difference is you HEAR it more often. I’m exactly your age, so I know that when we were growing up, there was no 24-hour news cycle, horrific crimes that involved only one victim and happened a thousand miles away got a brief mention in the national news if any, and there was no constant drumbeat of how dangerous the world is. Yet crime rates show that the degree of danger to children *has not changed.*
Read Lenore’s book, if you want a clearer picture. She absolutely agrees with you that “guiding your children and protecting them is a good thing.” She is just coming from a different, reality-based rather than fear-based or media-based, perspective on what that should look like, and what other “good things” you should do in raising your children, such as developing their freedom and independence.
I actually agree with you that community has broken down somewhat and there is less ability to depend on others to watch out for our kids. But that doesn’t mean that kids are actually in significantly greater danger, if they’re taught to look out for themselves.
2 cases out of 4 million people. While both very tragic, that’s the point. People should deal with facts, not hysteria.
Parents should be far more worried about obesity and their friends and relatives abusing their kids than strangers. Oner protecting your kids just gives you a false sense of control, and hinders you child’s growth as a person.
I wonder whether it’s true that people don’t come to each other’s aid as often as they used to, or if that perception too is based on a few high-profile cases.
Undoubtedly communities are much more fragmented than they were, so people are less able to rely on people they know to help them. However, it does not necessarily follow that people are less likely to help *strangers* in difficulty, although it is one favourite theme of the tabloid media that this is the case.
@ A Silver: I’m around the same age as you, and grew up in Toronto as well. So I know what it was like prior to the late 90s. If you go by statistics, crime rate back in the 60s, 70s and 80s were higher than it is today. But with the introduction of the internet in the early 90s, and today’s technologies, people hear about stories even before it comes out on the news. So even though, crime rate is down, crime now is publicized more readily and consistently then ever before. Make it seem like crime is more rampant now, when in reality it isn’t. And it’s this spreading of the news through all various mediums that people hold on to. They have become more fearful. And it’s these fears that have prevented them from sticking as a community. They are so paranoid, that it’s not far fetch for them to believe that teen next door, or the gardener can be homicidal maniacs.
We all chose how we live our lives, some chose to let fear control them, and dictate how they view the world. While others, take everything with a grain of salt, and use common sense to dictate their views. Guess which group lives more of a stressful life, with happy kids, who don’t worry about everything coming around the corner, yet are aware and have the confidence to deal with it if it should ever come their way. Which I might add, is not as often as most people think.
That’s the key thing, common sense and logic. People need to go back to basics. Over analyzing and finger pointing is never a good thing. And it will always be the innocent that has to pay for people’s paranoia. Including their own children.
A Silver – And how many kids can you name who existed during the last 45 years that have NOT been kidnapped and killed? How many children were born in Toronto in the last 45 years who were NOT kidnapped? I’ll guess several hundred million more than 2.
Nobody has said that kidnappings never occur, just that they’re extremely rare, as your 2 names in 45 years indicates.
“I am 45 years old, grew up in the city of Toronto, and very vividly remember 2 cases when a child went missing, and later found dead. I can even remember their names.”
=======================================
Can you remember the names of the dozens of children killed in auto accidents in that same period?
I know it’s difficult to be rational about children being killed. However, we accept the risk of driving children around in cars because we see the benefit of being mobile and not tied to immediate vicinity of our homes. Lenore is simply trying to point out the benefits of letting kids play outside, and the price we pay if we restrict that freedom to reduce the terrible, but exceptionally rare, eventuality of child abduction.
@ sliver I grew up in T.O as well and until recently worked down town at Yonge and Bloor. I now live in a suburb of Toronto. You said:
“All I know is that there is a general loss of common decency. People don’t come to each others aid as quickly, don’t look out for each other like they used to. The sense of community has been lost, and that may very well be one of the results of living in urban satellite communities.”
I respectfully say you are mistaken. I wittnessed people helping each other and looking out for each other everyday downtown. I once saw an international student get bumped by a car (she wasn’t hurt but shocked) A group of strangers gathered around her to help her and make sure she was okay. Shop owners and employees get to know you and remember your orders, they miss you when you dont’ show up and take the time to talk to you. Last week I was downtown with my two year old and many people stopped to hold doors for me, or help me carry the stroller down the stares. The elevator in the parking garage was broken and a man offered to help my husband carry the stroller down five flights of stairs. Did I think he was a kidnapper? No, he just saw me struggling with one end and thought he could help. The smiles and small talk people make is the beginning of a sense of community.
If you go around thinking that there’s a general lack of common decency and that’s the energy you put out you will be too busy looking for the bad in everyone to notice when someone does hold a door for you or tries to make small talk. If you keep your head down and hide how does that help a sense of community? It seems to me that instead of criticizing you should try to be the community you want to see.
Ever wonder why Scrooge didn’t have any “community” until he decided that community starts with himself?
wanted to add I meant “YOU” in the general every human being sense, and not “YOU” a silver specifically1
It is also true that the “decency” to thank someone for aiding your child, instead of suspecting or accusing them has broken down as well.
you cant tell me community has broken down everywhere.
In my job I see ‘members of the public’ who DO stop and help.
I recently was staying in a caravan park for a couple of months – work took me to a new location and there is a terrible shortage of rentals. So, most of the people there were temporary workers to the area, or long term residents.
A new family – single mother – moved in.
She had a new tent she couldnt pitch. So, she had people help her put it up. They saw her struggling and came to help.
She had people show her how to get electricty running safely through there.
One night I witnessed one of the more ‘gruff’ workers show up with a tv in his ute ‘for the kiddies’.
I dont think he had any bad plans for her children, I think he saw a way to get a tv, and thought children recently traumatized by first floods, then parents divorce, might like a tv.
I think there is a fine line between protecting and empowering children. I work hard to empower my boys, to give them the skills they need to keep safe, cope when things are tough, and know when a stranger is safe or someone to stay away from. I believe that what we are seeing is a generation of parents who do not know how to empower, so they over protect. They try really hard to make their kids happy, rather than help their kids learn how to cope with difficult feelings and situations. They do all the work for their kids because they may not know how to give their kids the tools. There are parents who have a difficult time seeing their chlid’s weaknesses, which creates children who are having a difficult time with their EGO. As a teacher and a therapist I see many children who are struggling, trying to rise up to the pedalstool that their parents have created for them. I love Free Range Kids, thanks for being so bold!!
I highly recommend Wayne Dyer’s book “What Do You Really Want for Your Children” about parenting. There are answers for all the questions and concerns a parent might have.
It is great to see everyone’s input and comments, but I think we miss an essential voice — the voice of our children. Why don’t we ask them, what they think about this important issue of our society? It will be very interesting to find out, at certain ages, if they want freedom, how much, and what they want to change in their times. We all refer to our childhood, how great it was to feel safe and free to go over to a friend’s house without being escorted and we also know exactly what we didn’t like about our times.
I see teachers and great educators participating in this blog, why wouldn’t we take a chance and ask the kids what they want to have and how they want to be dealt with. And then we will be impressed of what they can come up with. We can have a survey form when they register for school and also a “write free” area where they can express their ideas.
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