Letting a Child Stay Home Alone, But Haunted by “What If?”s

My son has been walking home from school since he was 8, with stops at the playground, local shops, friends’ houses, etc. etc. all by himself with no problems whatsoever. He crosses streets, walks or rides his bike, carries and spends money, and more, all on his own.

Neighbors, store owners, and more have come to know him along the routes he frequents, and they frequently stop me to relate anecdotes about what a mature, kind, courteous, confident, independent, and just plain happy guy he is. The most gratifying comments I get is from parents telling me how well he plays with their kids (older, his age, or younger) and looks out for them.

He is perfectly fine being home by himself from time to time. My recommendations here are to teach them what to do in an emergency. Make sure they know all available escape routes. Have them work the fire escapes and climb out windows from time to time. Teach them how to use a fire extinguisher. Maybe a little basic first aid. What to do if 9-1-1 fails. Refresh the training from time to time. The odds of something happening are very low, and a little bit of training will ensure that they handle any such event with just as much aplomb as they handle normal living.

Then sit back, relax, and take deep soul-warming pride that you are doing exactly what nature intended: teaching the young how to become fully independent adults!

Every such conversation is an opportunity to educate. Tell them about this blog, or better yet, buy them a copy of Lenore’s book. Remind them of their own childhoods. Tell them that the world is safer now than it was then. I’ve seen some evidence that a lot of parents secretly want to be Free Range, but they’re afraid to be the first; you may be the permission they need!

How can a generation of kids, many of whom were probably latch-key kids (like me, I walked home from school, let myself in and entertained myself until my parents came home) all become such raving neurotic lunatics scared of their own shadows.

My son is almost 8. One or two days a week he comes home to an empty house. He loves doing it! I have also let him stay home alone all day on occasion. I’m not crazy about doing that mainly because he just sits in front of the computer all day and I worry about his brain rotting. And now that he knows he can stay home alone, he never wants to come with me when I run errands (yay!).

Being able to leave your kid home alone is truly liberating.

Every child is different. Our oldest started having time alone at home when he was seven. Our youngest (at six) is nearly ready. Our middle child may need to be thirty before I trust him at home alone for more than a few minutes.

Our oldest makes good choices and has his head on straight (at least in that way). He is trustworthy and cautious. Our youngest is less cautious, but (on his own) makes good decisions. The middle guy, well, finds stuff to do if he isn’t directed. Some of his choices are outrageously bad. I think he’d be ok, but I am not sure that the house would survive him.

Our oldest and youngest feel empowered by being trusted. The middle guy prefers to have the attention.

Let your knowledge of your own child guide what you think is appropriate.

I walked home from school to an empty house five days a week when I was 7.

My boy doesn’t go to school, so there’s no walking home, but I let him go out and play in the neighborhood without close supervision and I let him stay at home by himself while I run errands if he wants to.

It’s good to be objective about things: the number one danger to your child is cars. Make super sure he’s more than careful crossing the street. Danger being alone in the house? Not really unless he’s one of those kids who’s always setting things on fire.

All of these “What if’s” that people talk about make me laugh. What if your child walks outside and gets hit by a car? What if they choke on their lunch and no one gives the the Heimlich in time? What if your crazy Great-Aunt Evangeline decided to make extra money by selling children to people who can’t have kids and figured ‘Hey, may as well start with family’? If we live out lives by “what if”, we’ll never leave out houses, or even leave our beds half the time.

I’ve started letting our 7 and 9 year old walk home alone after school twice a week because they were complaining about going to after school care every single time. They love it and I’m confident that they’re fine.

It’s other people’s opinions that bother me – even if no-one said they approved or disapproved, I’m worried about what they’ll say. Which would probably only be that they think they are quite young, I don’t even think they would really disapprove (I live in France by the way). But apparently when they announced it to their teachers, one apparently was neutral and the other one very positive. It’s probably all in my head…

They’ve been doing it for one week only and it’s truly liberating as I read in some of the other comments: no more rushing to get to after school care in time, depending on whether or not trains are on time, no more walking the streets in the dark with two kids at 7 PM (that’s only one night, the other night my husband’s home at 5.30 PM, school’s out at 4.30 PM).

I definitely want to raise my kids free range, but everyone else’s fear is hard to shake off…

It’s all about trusting that you’ve parented your child well. I stayed home by myself at that age…for longer periods of time. At times I had my older brother and sister home at other times I did not. We had rules to follow for our safety. Like not to tell anyone we were home alone and to not let anyone in the house. we had emergency numbers and knew friends that had parents that were home that we could go to if we felt we needed an adult.

I hope to provide my kids with these opportunity to grow up. Spending time alone allows you to feel confident in handling your life. You are doing the right thing. My only comment would be if you feel she is ready for it, then go for it. Cause all children develop at their own pace.

There are ALWAYS “what if’s…” in every aspect of our lives. If we live by this philosophy then none of us will ever let our children leave our house (or what if the house catches fire, then we will have to leave the house – see the cycle?). “What if’s” will make us all crazy. I was a latch key kid ~ the youngest of 3 and it was what our family had to do because both of my parents worked. If you trust your child and feel that you have done a very good job of assessing the risk, then it is YOUR decision on how to handle leaving your child home alone. It is disturbing how many parents shelter their children to the point of harming their independence. Don’t even get me started about the parents in the drop-off line at our elementary school. Apparently some children can not open a car door, take off their seat belt, or even take their backpacks out of the car on their own. Again, these parents are doing what they think is right but I truly wish they would see that teaching our children to be independent and confident IS GOOD PARENTING!

My mom used to leave me alone at that age for that length of time, to go to the grocery store or whatever. The world hasn’t changed that much since 1983.

I’m all for leaving the kids alone for short, but increasing periods of time. I leave my daughter when I run a few miles. I think she’s kind of proud of the level of trust and accomplishment this represents.

I would like to allow her to walk home from school, but the only viable route is along the shoulder of a too busy highway. I mention this because we all should be making risk analyses and consciously deciding the acceptable cost/benefit rather than ruling out even the smallest risk.

Not one to doubt, but according to http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm there is no legal age limit for leaving kids home alone in Massachusetts. Since I live there, I checked.

I think it’s awesome to leave kids at home when you feel they have the maturity to be able to handle it. My daughter is 9 and we’ve been leaving her for up to 30 minutes and she loved it. Unfortunately there is a crime wave in our area and we’ve been burgled twice in a month. Luckily we weren’t home at the time, but a friend’s neighbour had an attempted break-in on a Saturday afternoon when half the neighbourhood was clearly at home. I cannot run the risk of my daughter being a soft target because a criminal sees me leaving and knows that she is in the house and therefore the alarm system isn’t armed. This leaves me feeling angry and frustrated but it’s the price I pay for choosing to live in beautiful Cape Town.

P.S., I also took a Home Alone course in grade six, as preparation. We learned things like simple first aid, calling 9-11, and, for some reason, we also learned how to make Kraft Dinner.

You know your child’s ability and maturity. You know the risks. You made a parental decision based on YOUR situation. Sounds like the job of a parent to me. I was a latchkey kid and it was a great experience to develop time management skills (homework and chores were to be done before my grandmother got home or I couldn’t play outside) as well as independence.

Thanks for that chart, good to see Florida lets parents decide. Hopefully they keep it that way.

First of all, hooray for mom from Australia who is facing her fears of derision by others, and giving her child the gift of competence and growth (and space!).

As for the hysteria in these parents, after watching Lenore’s TV show, there seem to be two types, or maybe just one type with two faces: the sort of parents who are absolutely convinced that their child WILL come to harm and that “even a one in a million chance is too high because I love my kids too much to take any risk at all.” Not sure what these folks would have been like 30 years ago, when that kind of talk was pretty much nonexistent in the parenting circles of middle-class suburbia, but we all know that people have kind of gone off the deep end, being manipulated by the for-profiteers who sell “safety” products and the whole sensationalist journalism and made-for-TV drama shows.

Then there’s this type, for whom media cannot be blamed: the “über Mom.” This gal has her ego all tied up in her kids. The only meaning and purpose in her life is to “do” for them: cut their meat, brush their teeth, accompany them everywhere, protect them from any discomfort or inconvenience whatsoever because “that’s what moms do” and her response to the parent above who said something about “leaving your kids at home is so liberating” would be one of complete derision. “Ãœber Mom” would wag her finger and say, “Tsk! You shouldn’t have ever had children if you felt you needed to be ‘liberated’ from them! Bad Mommy! I don’t feel that way at all. My kids need me, and I love always being there for them, unlike you, lazy and despicable Mommy, who is too busy having a nap or watching your soaps or having an adult conversation with a grown-up friend over coffee to CARE about whether your children LIVE or DIE…”

This second type was around in the 1940s, from what my grandmother told me. She said the pattern was women who focused entirely on their children, to the detriment of their marriages, and when the kids left home, they were totally bereft of any sense of connection with their husbands or purpose in life. Now, I don’t think these women necessarily accompanied their 11-year-olds to school half a mile away every morning, or cut up their meat when they were 12, or took them into the ladies’ room with them when they were 13. No, back then, moms like this just found little ways to revolve around their kids… after all, making yourself “indispensable” doesn’t have to mean joined at the hip; anyone skilled at manipulation of others in order to try to fulfill a sense of self-worth and belonging can explain it to you.

If you had kids so someone would love you, always, unconditionally, well, then, yikes.

And a strategy of constant supervision and “indispensability” will get you the opposite of eternal, unconditional love: the “love” will be quite conditional, fear-based, in fact— and most likely will be wrenched away quite suddenly once the kid is old enough to see what your game is, so you won’t be having much of a sense of connection later on after all.

On the TV show, these moms start to realize that they are actually alienating themselves from the children they so wish to remain close to; that, and the fact that constant worry and supervision is driving them to the point of collapse (or divorce) also means that they must find a new way.

All this to simply say everyone can have their own path through this raising kids thing. I want this Aussie mom and all of us who make considered and loving choices about giving our kids some space and room to grow up to be seen as we are: devoted, responsible parents! How I long for a sense of autonomy and respect as I raise my kids!!!!

Just because there’s no law in Massachusetts does not mean that cops and child services are above making laws up to suit them.

Leah – DCF doesn’t show up with police officers unless they have a warrant to search the premises or an order to remove the kids (it takes more than 5 minutes to get a warrant). They have to already have some type of proof that a crime has been committed in order to get a judge to sign off on the warrant. DCF doesn’t just lay in wait to snatch kids because they are off the school bus for 5 minutes and mom is running a few minutes late.

Some kids are more mature and can be trusted more at age 7 than others can at age 14. It’s silly for any state to set an age and it really should be at the parent’s judgement. Unfortunately, a lot of parents these days don’t use good judgement and we end up with silly guidelines and laws.

I just scanned through the other comments and I have to say I agree with 2 points whole heartedly. Be careful who you tell you leave her home alone, not because it’s wrong but because it isn’t anyone’s business. You have to listen to less criticism if you keep your decision to yourself. Second, find out what the law is in your area. In Fort Wayne “9 is old enough to babysit” I have been told this by both the police and CPS (long story.) Here one can leave a child home alone when it’s reasonable that they are capable of it. Actually IN has a pamphlet that if you ignore the oh so scary stats on the first page actually has good information in the rest of it to assess whether your child is mature enough to be home alone. I leave my older 2 home alone fairly regularly and noticed there are a couple of things I should probably talk to them about. One thing I don’t like but maybe it’s just the wording – if you smell smoke or the alarm goes off call 911 and then go outside, I’d rather my kids just go outside. If they happen to pass the phone on the way out grab it but call from outside the house. Here’s the link – http://www.in.gov/dcs/files/Home_Alone_Brochure.pdf

Almost forgot why I starting this post – 7 is the same age my daughter was when I started leaving her home so you’re not the only one to start that young.

Honestly, walking home alone at seven I’m OK with. Leaving him home alone for more than a few minutes, no, I think seven is too young.

Maybe at nine.

But then, I’ve got a friend who doesn’t let her 13 year old daughter use the toaster, because she might get burned.

Our county guidelines tell us 8. I followed them and was even criticized for letting my then 8 year old twins stay home alone during daylight hours for no more than 1.5 hours. They are 12 and it is a regular thing for them now. I will even have them sit their 7 yo sister. I get critics for that.

I really don’t care but I will follow the guidelines of the county to avoid unwanted visits from them.

You can’t rely on a lack of law. Few areas have published guidelines as to when it’s okay to leave a child home alone. The reason for that is simple. Children mature at different levels. Some kids can be safely left alone at 7. As the Darwin Awards prove, some people are better off never left unsupervised. If the State sets a certain age, some people will take that as a license to leave any child of that age home alone, even if not ready. And there would be little CPS or the law could do about it. In areas where you see a very high set age, my guess is that people pushed for a set age and that is what they got. You have to err on the high side – the age in which most kids are certainly able to take care of themselves – to cover for parental stupidity if you are going to legislate a specific age.

I guarantee you that every CPS agency has a specific age under which it considers it negligent to leave a child at home alone. That age is simply not publicized anywhere.

I started leaving my kids home alone when they were about four. Yes, four. We live in a city of 4+ million, in Russia, where the crime rate is higher than most of the developed world.

When I leave a young one alone, I always turned on a video (a treat in our house) and then they beg to be left home alone whenever possible. But I keep it as an exception for when it’s really necessary. My youngest is now 5, Our precautions are that if there is a fire, I leave the door unlocked, so she can get out, knock on all the neighbors’ doors and go down the stairs out the building.

My 10 and 7 year olds love staying home alone. They become super responsible, get their homework done quickly to ‘surprise’ me. My only restriction is that I don’t leave for more than an hour, and I don’t drive while I’m out, unless my husband is due home soon. My ‘what if’ has to do with getting in a car accident, and not coming home. But after thinking of that, I’ve made sure my older kids know who they should call if I don’t come home.

I thought it would scare them to talk about what to do in emergencies, but they actually love it. And they love feeling responsible. And I LOVE being able to run to the store, the clinic, or even for a walk by myself!

And they play outside often by themselves, and my 10 year old has been walking to and from school and sports since he was 8. There are thousands of neighbors, many of them know us by sight, and I have made the concession to have my kids carry phones.

By the way, I’d say about half of Russian parents leave their kids home alone regularly from an early age. The other half have taken in the Western media plus the truly horrifying stories that happen here, and will not leave their kids unsupervised anywhere for a moment. If you want to find some true Free Range Kids, check out the history of the Soviet Union. One of my friends was sent to regularly to the store to stand in line for bread at age four. She walked herself to and from preschool around age five. And almost all kids walked or rode the bus to school and sports by themselves from age seven. Not that I advocate that, but it helps explain the split between the ‘We did it’ camp and the ‘That was wrong!’ camp. I hope to find a happy medium

Must confess, Aussie Mum, that my first kneejerk reaction was – 7’s too young to be home alone, without siblings etc. Just have laws running around in my head…..However, I was at home with younger siblings at that age, and you do live in Australia, where outback kids learn to drive younger than that!

(My favourite story recently was that wonderful case where 7 year old was bored and cross with parents so took his 5 year old brother and proceeded to attempt to drive the 100+ kms to grandma’s, or maybe it was 100 km before he was stopped by the police- anyway, great story. Outback kids are often taught to drive very young because of their extreme isolation, in case something happens to their parents…..)

Good on you for trusting your instincts. As long as they know what to do in case of fire etc, kids should be fine. However, it’s probably better not to tell too many people, as you’ve discovered……

And at the end of the day, it beats hands down leaving them outside the pub, which used to be such a regular occurence in smalltown NZ – might still be, I haven’t wandered past a rural pub in ages!

I’m with you; you have analyzed the risks and are doing the right thing for your child!! I remember staying home alone for an hour or two after school when I was a kid — as did most of the other kids in my neighborhood. We had lists of friends we were allowed to visit and / or invite into our houses. Believe in yourself — and your child!

That said, I sympathize with your feeling of “alone-ness” in being reasonable. Even my husband gives me a hard time for leaving my 8 y.o. (almost 9!!) home for half an hour while I take his sister to school each morning. It just seems so much more sane to let him stay home and eat breakfast while we’re gone, rather than dragging him out of bed earlier so he can go on a half-hour car ride after breakfast.

(On a side note, she’s been asking if she can ride her bike to school. My husband objects, but I might let her anyway. Then at least he can quit complaining about the 8 year old being “home alone”).

Adelaide here!
Can I just say, your child walking will eventually have an effect on the neighbourhood. My 3 kids started walking to and from on their own a couple years ago. They were the ONLY kids and I got a few comments from people (youngest was 6). My eldest always has a key just in case I am not home at the end of the day (I have been running late the odd occassion but how great to know I can and not worry?)

Anyway 2 years down the track my children are confident self reliant children but the best part… MORE KIDS WALK now! I mean it, they pick up more kids on the way now. It has become the norm in my block (as it should, school is a 15 minute walk)
There are still the odd parent who insists on driving their kids but the majority all walk, adult free, and it is a nicer neighbourhood because of it.
My kids go off and play with friends on weekends, on bikes, at parks and are having a childhood. I do feel for the 12 year old across the road though who sits and looks on through her bedroom window. An only child who is never allowed to be out of ear shot of an adult 🙁 She use to walk to school with me and the kids but when I stopped going, she wasnt allowed any more 🙁

teri…yes child protective services does show up with police and no they do not need a warrent. if they state in “their opinion” it is neccessary they can remove children at will. if perchance the person who called them is in any way a manditory reporter you’re screwed,because those are trained”to never lie or exagerate”. so obviously you must be the liar.

I started letting my oldest stay home by himself when I ran errands at 8. He just turned 10 a couple of weeks ago and I started letting him “watch” his 6 year old brother after school a couple of days a week and while I run errands on weekends. So far, there have been no problems and the boys love that they are allowed to do this–they feel very proud of themselves and mature, and they’ve risen to the occasion.

Brenda, your “it just happened the other day because he found a caterpillar” brought a tear to my eye! Because THAT is what it is all about! To allow kids to experience the world they live in. At their own pace…

And there is no law in Australia on the age you can leave your kids home alone. However, there are laws regarding “proper supervision” which could be used against parents leaving kids home alone or letting them walk home from school.

bmax, it doesn’t say anywhere that not liking Afters was the determining factor.

There are people who seem to mistake free-range parenting with letting the kids do what they want. I can assure you that nothing is further than the truth in our case. I have had to encourage my child to be independent, she did not ask for it.

Funny fact, the first time she walked home alone it was actually as a punishment for misbehaviour at Afters! I left her on the kerb sobbing her eyes out under her umbrella as I drove off, because she hated the thought of having to walk alone. Then I watched her bounce up our front steps all smiles 10 minutes later. It is a moment I will never forget.

She told me: “Halfway home, I was still crying. And then I looked around and I started thinking ‘Hey, I could climb that tree if I wanted to’ and ‘Hey, I could stop at the playground'”. She didn’t do any of those things, but felt excited about the possibilities. I don’t actually see it as me giving her more freedom. I gave her more responsibility. And she discovered that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand all by herself.

I never wanted to send my kids to the after school programs, no matter how interesting they were. Kids need unstructured time, where adults are not directing their actions and regulating their play. Before last year, I was always home when the kids came home from school. My husband is usually home now within about 15-20 minutes of when they get off the bus, if not earlier. They need time to just play. Dig holes, ride their bikes, flop on the couch, build with legos, draw, whatever. They do their homework after dinner, and they are much happier to do it and their chores because they have had that time to blow off steam. I could send them to an after school program, but they would be miserable, and then they’d come home and share the misery with me. Who needs that? If they were younger and/or less trustworthy, I would obviously find some sort of after school care. At 10 and 11, they are much, much happier as things are.

Not sure if anyone else has said this, but most states in Australia have no stated minimum age for a child to be left alone – everyone seems to think there is a ‘law’, but I recently looked it up and found it not to be true.

You are giving your daughter the gift of self-reliance. When her peers are in college, calling their moms and unable to cope because they’ve never had to, she’s going to be thriving. I did the same thing with my kids, but I only told a few people because I didn’t want the reaction you’re getting. Refuse to participate in paranoia! You’re a great mom.

I’m one more voice in your corner. I’ve raised three to adulthood. My elder son (who is 16 years older than his sister and 18 older than his brother) walked home on those days I had to be at work from the age of 7 since he was really too old for a ‘babysitter’ and attended a private school that did not offer aftercare, with the understanding that he would call me at work to confirm he’d got home safely, and stay in the house doing ‘quiet activities’ unless he was invited to one of his two best friend’s homes, and only if their moms were home, He is now in his 40’s and doing quite well.

He did violate the rule on two occasions, on one of them he ran head first into a stucco wall while playing next door to our house, the other, when he was 11ish, he was beaned in the head with a baseball by the 14 year old across the street who’d offered to teach him to pitch. I am grateful neither was more serious than an object lesson as to why I did not want him to play outside with an adult close by in case of just such occurrences. I figure two minor head injuries in 10 years before college isn’t bad, heck he had worse when I was home, or when at school.

The two younger both went to after school care in the early grades, and now I wish I’d had them do the same as thoir elder brother, since in after-care I had no choice about with whom they associated, or what kinds of media they were exposed to, whereas with their elder brother, I knew his friends and their parents and knew that we shared values in common so he would get consistent messages from us all.

At that the younger two started heading home after school when my daughter was in 5th grade, and 8 years old, my younger son was 7. They had a list of phone numbers for emergencies, knew which neighbors would be home, and have both made it to healthy adulthood as well.

They are all resourceful, creative, independent people, perhaps they’d have been in any case, but I’m inclined to believe that having the opportunity to be responsible facilitated developing those qualities.

As to the ‘one in a million’ scenario, it is just that, or even less likely, but none of us has absolute control over our own lives much less the lives of others, including our children, and no matter how well we prepare against ‘all’ contingencies when something goes awry no matter how serious, hindsight most often tells us we could have done ‘X, Y, or Z and prevented it.’ mostly because we humans like the illusion of control.

This sums up the Australian legal position. http://www.community.nsw.gov.au/docswr/_assets/main/documents/survival_kit/home_alone.pdf

We had to leave our 8 and 7 year old boys home alone for the first time last Tuesday (because we had promised our van to my father in law for church). So my wife and I trained them to answer the phone for only us, put Carl Sagan’s Cosmos on the TV for them, then took the 3-year old on a public bus ride with us, and went to the caucus location to vote for Ron Paul. Bad parents or BEST PARENTS EVER?

Here is a document from the MA Department of Children & Families:

http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/docs/dph/com-health/injury/child-safety.rtf

“children under 13 cannot take care of themselves, so you should never leave them home alone — even for a few minutes.”

The document doesn’t give any references but I’d recommend that you talk with a lawyer or perhaps the police before deciding to leave your child alone on a regular basis. Ignorance of the law is not a valid defense.

If there is a law and you want to overturn it, create a group and start lobbying your legislators. Talk with other citizen action groups eg MADD and learn from them. Remember to cultivate the press and first find some friendly university experts that the press can call to support your goals.

See if your children want to work on the project–a great lesson in civics and empowerment.

Vague statements like “Cannot take care of themselves” annoy me too. I don’t expect my 7yo to cook her own dinner or take herself to the doctor if she is sick or move the car into the garage! I am just asking her to stay home for 30 mins without getting into trouble and with the phone handy in case she does need to talk to me. She usually watches tv. I think most parents would be very surprised if there was some research that showed that kids under 13 are not capable of sitting on the lounge watching tv for 30 minutes without needing their parents! Heck, I have trouble getting her to notice me when she watches the idiot box when I am there!

So called experts who make unfounded statements like that lose all credibility in my eyes.

“children under 13 cannot take care of themselves, so you should never leave them home alone — even for a few minutes.”

That is the dumbest thing I’ve read yet from these safety “experts”.

My 11yo, 10yo and 9yo kids are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves for several hours on their own. And have been for many years. I’m now prepping my almost 6yo to be able to take care of herself, too. By 8 she should be able to stay alone, too (that is the youngest the other kids were when staying alone).

But, I suppose the helicoptered kids wouldn’t be able to take care of themselves since they have almost no experience with that. Free range kids tend to actually know what they are doing. My kids have been “taking care of themselves” since they were 4 or 5 with me in the house. By 6 they were “taking care” of younger siblings while I was in another room. If they can handle sitting there watching a movie for an hour with nothing happening (while I nap in another room) I’m pretty sure they can do the same while I walk to the store and back (which takes an hour). Especially at 11, 10 and 9. If they couldn’t I’d consider myself negligent as a parent (unless they had some behavior problem or other disability…which they don’t).

I remember vividly being left alone at 8 with my younger brother (who would have been 6). We survived just fine. We could get food for ourselves (lunch meat and cheese was always available), watch TV and Gramma or the neighbors were around in case we needed some kind of help. Which never happened that I recall. We usually just watched TV or sat on the porch with friends.

I do remember that our self-reliance came in handy when we were sledding down the street once. I think I was 11 and my brother was 9. He went down the hill right into a beat up old car and broke his ankle. Instead of freaking out me and his friend (also 9) got him into the sled and pulled him home then helped him into the house and out of his snow gear. I believe my dad was at work and my mom was shopping so we waited for them to get home, iced his ankle, wrapped it with an ACE bandage and I made hot chocolate for us. We were watching TV when my mom got home. Everyone survived. Life went on. And we learned valuable lessons (like watch where you sled, basic first aid, that we were capable of taking care of ourselves in an emergency).

My step daughters mother just had to take a deal on Child Neglect 2 because she let her kids stay home alone after school. Age 10 and 8. Yup, apparently that’s felony neglect.

Having left Sydney last year and moved to Germany, the first thing my husband and I noticed was how much more freedom kids had here. In Australia we were constantly being questioned about letting our kids roam – eg – to the end of the beach ON THEIR OWN or buy bread and milk at the corner store! Here is is expected to let kids walk to school/catch the bus on their own!!!!! and generally hang out together. I regularly loose track of where the kids are in the neighbourhood in the afternoons (ie I do not know exactly where they are at all times !!!) as they enjoy playing with their friends. The parents all look out for the kids and they know to check-in for unusual adventures first. And I can get on with dinner prep with a clear concience! The kids are 7, 5 and 3.

I have also been a victim of similar comments from the mums at school and I totally understand how these comments from narrow minded busy bodies, can place doubt in our minds and question our parenting. We are the best judges and educators of our children and we know them the best. Remember, we are not raising children but, ‘young adults’ and it is our job to guide them and provide them the skils to survive in this world. It is about teaching them to be careful, but not fearful and I am sure you are doing exactly that.
Hold your head up high and be proud of knowing you are raising a very capable and responsible daughter.

@Lin – I do expect my seven-year-old to be able to take care of himself (and cook dinner).

Our boys are currently 6, 8, and 11. About two years ago, I started having them cook (with my direction from outside the kitchen) dinner once a week. Our now 8-year-old loves to cook. Last night he made chicken quesadillas. He literally sent me out of the kitchen because he wanted to do cook dinner for everyone.

His specialty, though, is chicken parmigiano which he does from breading the chicken through broiling on the cheese (with sides dishes as well). I do not want our children to, like many of my college students, live off of poptarts and ramen because they don’t know how to feed themselves.

This year, they are starting to learn how to grill (the older two are tall enough to do it now).

They are capable of doing as much as you allow them to take on.

They love that they can cook dinner.

Can’t take care of themselves until 13? Holy cow, MA, where do you find these children?

I’m 22 now, and I don’t have kids, but it wasn’t that long ago that I was 10 and coming home to an empty house, or staying home all day by myself during the summer. The freedom I was afforded at that age was one of my greatest joys, and definitely contributed to the independent, competent adult I have become.

What if she went to the horseback lessons and got in a car accident and died? The what if game works for everything!

mitomom – Illinois law does not forbid leaving a child home alone … it says “Illinois law defines a neglected minor, in part, as “any minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minor’s welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety or welfare of that minor.”

So a 7-year old with access to a phone and training in how to deal with emergencies wold be fine.

I read these main stories and shake my head. If children are never allowed to do anything at what ‘age’ are they reponsible enough? You don’t turn 18 and magically become ‘responsible’ for your life. Actually it just makes me sad how overprotective parents distrust their children. Thank goodness for Lenore and all you free range folks!

The reason I love Lenore’s blog is that it keeps me sane to know other parents are not bubble wrapping their children. Otherwise when things like this happen I would feel nuts to think I just might be an irresponsible parent: Just a few weeks ago I went to the store while my daughter (17 3/4–yes, almost 18) went to the movie with her 16 year old friend. Yes, they went unaccompanied by an adult! Her friend’s dad picked them up at the movie theater and drove my daughter home. She did not have her key with her so I told her to wait for me until I got home. I was 10 minutes away, just finished shopping and getting into the car.

She arrived at the house before I did and called to tell me that her friend and dad were going to take her to get a soda at a fast food restaurant around the corner. They were already driving when I told her quite exasperated “oh my God, that is ridiculous! It is perfectly okay for you to wait 10 minutes outside alone!” The father purchased the soda, wasted some gas, and returned her to me. I thanked him but kindly explained that in the future he didn’t need to worry about leaving her alone. I had to remind him that she is almost 18 and we are encouraging her independence since she will be moving out soon, hopefully before she is 40.

I understand there is a chance he may have just been enjoying a fun day with two goofy teenage girls, and that’s fantastic. But knowing my daughter’s friend’s parents NEVER let their daughter walk ANYWHERE alone, I have a feeling the poor dad was too frightened of someone abducting my daughter during that 10 minutes sitting on our doorstep.

I started to leave my oldest home for a bit, the hardest was how to tell others and who needed to know.

@Daniel – you go! I was babysitting infants when I was 12, and the summer I turned 13, I was doing housekeeping and babysitting for a family that lived about a mile away, taking care of their 4 and 5 year old while they worked. I got there around 6:30 am and left around 5:30 pm after the parents got home. I did housecleaning, laundry, all the fun stuff.

I think I’d be more leery of leaving TEENAGERS home alone for a while than younger kids…as their boyfriends often drive 😛

Just had to comment on this: I was five when I started coming home to an empty house after school. Just like Lenore advocates, I knew the rules, knew what to do in an emergency, and was perfectly happy to have an hour or so to myself before my parents got home. Yeah, I did have a tendency to accidentally leave the key in the door, but I’m not sure if that had anything to do with being 5. I’m 40 now (nope, didn’t die!)–and I still do that!

My boys are 7 and 8 and they walk to the bus and home from the bus by themselves. I’m usually home when they get home, but in the incident that I’m not, they know the code to our garage door and know that they are to go in, shut the garage door and do their homework. They have had to do that a few times and it has always turned out just fine. I’ve taught them too that if that does happen, they aren’t supposed to tell their friends or any of our neighbors that I’m not there, just go on in like usual (if the front door is locked, go in through the garage even if I’m there). They know the rules and they know what to do in an emergency also. Kids are a lot smarter and more capable than adults in today’s world give them credit for. In fact, not too long ago I saw an article in a church magazine where the writer, now a man in his 70s, had the job of rounding up the cattle on his horse when he was 8 years old. I’m sure that would raise a fuss these days!

I face this kind of thing all the time as well. My daughter is only two, so it’s not like I’m letting her stay home alone, but I am very pro-germs: I don’t wash things unless they get dirty, I don’t sanitize, and I certainly don’t disinfect every surface my daughter touches. When her binky hits the floor, I pop it in my own mouth to “clean” it, then give it back to her. I’ve gotten the strangest looks from people who have offered to go wash it for me, when it hits their carpet or something, then see me give it right back to her. “You’re not going to rinse it off? Don’t you know what kind of germs there are on the floor? People’s FEET touch that!” I sometimes feel like I’m fighting a losing battle against overreaction.

Staying home alone is more a matter of maturity than age. I can recommend a great resource for anyone trying to decide if a child is ready to be left home alone. When my daughter insisted she was old enough to stay at home alone, I started seeking for possible ways on how I can protect her even I am not with her. I was so glad that last month, while reading an article on a blog, it mentioned that there was a service I could use to track my kids to be sure they were always in safe places. At the bottom it said I could follow the site anationofmoms and be entered for a drawing of 6 months free of the service. Not bad! http://anationofmoms.com/2011/08/protect-your-family-giveaway.html

Im a rare breed it seems you see I’m a stay at home mum. And i reckon you lot are full of it! We made a decission 14yrs ago that i was going to stay home and be with the kids and just quietly its been BRILLIANT 🙂 and u lot know in your heart of hearts that you would love to have my life, i mean why wouldnt you? But you will keep on justifying it with “Oh my Jimmy’s such a good boy i can trust him” or “My Sally’s such a confident independant 7yr old she’s more than ready” well wake smell the stench of your teenagers room people!! They want you there trust me i know and i know this cause they drive me friggin nuts with the cheek and the arguments and the answering back but there’s also the talking and the laughing and just chilling out together just being together thats whats it all about and in years to come when my sometimes ungrateful but wonderful kids look back at their life at home it will be with a smile on their dial and lots of love in their hearts for their poor suffering Mum!

irresponsible to the extreme. as a parent you are responsible for your kids well being. By “allowing” them to be home alone and susceptible to risks that in this day are far more frequently realised than in previous latch-key kids years, is irresponsible.