A Mom Worries: Am I Bad? Friends, Family Say “YES!”

Ugh. Some situations are just impossible. Actually, I would have done the exact same thing in this situation- my youngest is 1 1/2 years old, and I have to carry him in and out of places so he doesn’t take off to “explore”… tell me how I’d have carried him AND the dog back to the car?

On a similar note, my little bundle of energy freaks out every time we drop his big brother off at “play school” and he’s not allowed to stay. As much as I’d love to let him stay in the car- in cool weather, just outside the door, surrounded by OTHER PARENTS AND KIDS- for the 2 minutes it takes me to get his brother in and his jacket off, I can’t.

Why? Because I’m scared of this same thing happening. Nobody else leaves younger siblings in the car- they all get unbuckled, hauled in and hauled out 4 times a week. To do otherwise would earn me serious dirty looks and whispers, if not necessarily calls to the police.

Yeah, I’m a wuss. But I’m trying to make friends here… Maybe after I get to know some moms, we can keep an eye on each other’s kids in the car. Unless, you know, they think I’m a cleverly disguised kidnapper…

This is hard. In our city, what she did was illegal. It was. So, whether she thought it was a good idea, whether we thought it was a good idea, it was against the law. And, I personally wouldn’t ever leave a child in a car that I didn’t have total view of (remember, that guy did stop and we don’t know WHO he was. Thankfully he was just calling the cops, what if he hadn’t been?). You know, I am all for a lot of free-range. But come on. There are SOME bad people out there and usually those safe small towns are rocked to their core by a murder, kidnapping, drug use, whatever and it hits the news with people that “never thought it would happen in our town, it’s such a safe place to live. The cops never had to investigate anything like this before.”

I don’t think she’s a bad mom, not at all. I personally think she made a mistake in this situation. If she gave them her CC, they could have brought the dog to the car or just outside the door and helped her get him into the car (goodness, that would have been nice of them anyway since he was hurt). But I am sure I am in the minority. At that young age, I wouldn’t have left them where I couldn’t see them when parked on a street.

Re: My above comment: I am only assuming the man was calling the authorities (and not alerting a client that he had found the client’s custom-ordered kid.)

THIS is why our society has become so suspicious, so guarded. The village that it takes has turned on all of us, and simple things like running into a store have become situations where the authorities could be called on you. If instead of criticizing, we all realized that we could all work together for the sake of these kids and reached out to help, we’d ALL be better off!

That said, the next time something like this happens, this woman needs to call her husband, demand he leave work and come deal with the dog, and call her mother and demand she come over to watch her grandchildren so that she can go to the doctor’s office and have her bite checked out. Put your money where your mouth is, folks!

In Germany no-one would have looked twice: kids in cars are common- heck, babies in a stroller are a common sight outside shops. I leave my kids in the Bakfiets (a sort of big, child carrying bike) for a couple of minutes at a time when I need to go in a shop or somewhere. It’s legal and normal.

As a mother of two young children and two BIG dogs, I can totally identify with this! I would have done exactly the same thing.

I know it’s cliche to say it, but: With friends like these, who needs enemies?

I guess I’m in the minority with Kari but 5 is way to young in my opinion…with 2 year olds no less. Her husband and own mother felt it was a poor decision as well and I assume they know the 5 year olds level of maturity. We can’t put everything under the guise of free range parenting. The babysitter had offered to stay, this was not a desperate situation where she had no choice but to flee the house with the kids and a bleeding dog. I truly think most people on this site probably would have been alarmed at the sight of these kids and called the police as well.

@ Harmony…one is in your private home vs. a public street????

@ bc9njw9: I get what you’re saying the kids’ maturity levels. That should certainly be taken into consideration. But that was the point I was trying to make. You can’t leave a five-year-old in a car for 10 minutes in a nice neighborhood on a cool day, but you can leave a baby alone for hours while you’re asleep in another room? The risk seems about the same to me.

By the way, I understand that many state laws say that you can leave a child alone in a car for 5 to 10 minutes, so I think the lady was probably within her legal rights.

I hope the dog healed nicely. I hope the woman and her husband didn’t argue too much or harbor ill-feeling over the situation. i hope they don’t eat at mcdonald’s too often, because that’s more dangerous on a regular basis than leaving your kids in the car! I agree that 5 and 2 are too young to be left in the car alone for more than a minute or two, even if you’re checking regularly. That said, there were no consequences to the kids. They were fine. Why couldn’t her family and friends have been mild about it? “Honey, that makes me uncomfortable, next time please call me so I can help or pay the babysitter overtime, please.” I understand the stress- bleeding dog, cranky kids, end of the day- anyone can make a mistake, especially under these circumstances. I wonder why her family isn’t more understanding and constructive. as for the stranger- if he was that concerned, why didn’t he look for the mom? if he was too lazy for that, why not park his car normally and listen to the radio for a few minutes until the mom came out? then if someone had bothered the children, he would have been on hand to intervene or call the police.

@bc9njw9- re: harmony’s question- private homes get broken into fairly often, as crimes go. the only difference i see is that a baby in a car is clearly visible and therefore more likely to inspire a spontaneous crime.

If the 5yo is trustworthy then I don’t see what the big deal is. Now….I wouldn’t do it with *my* almost 5yo, but I’d be constantly afraid he would be up in the driver’s seat playing with the gearshift etc. because he has proven that he cannot be left alone in such a situation. BUT – I let my 4yo and my 3yo play in our yard (mostly) unsupervised for hours at a time and I KNOW that most people would string me up for it. They know not to leave the yard and I can hear them if they cry or fight and can intervene fairly quickly.

I feel badly for her. I would have done the same thing. I grew up in a small town myself. My town had a Christian university where it seemed like everyone was everyone’s big brother or sister–in the past something like 60 years (my parents had gone to school there, too) there has not been even ONE incidence of murder or stranger abduction; no incidences of sexual preditors, etc. Only two rapes; both at the college and both date rape type things–no lurking in dark alleys.

I now live in the suburbs of a major city. My neighborhood is safe enough that we’ve accidentally left our front door wide open (not just unlocked) for three days while we were out of town, with not a single problem.

Even then, last year a UPS man almost called the police on me. I had my then-12, 9, and almost 4-year-old in the car with me, when the 9-year-old suddenly felt sick to her stomach, just a few stoplights from home (home, literally in the middle of cornfields and woods). There was a fastfood place close by, so I quickly pulled in and walked her to the bathroom, which was just inside the glass front door, which I was parked right in front of. I was in the bathroom with her for all of 30 seconds, checking to see that she made it ok.

When I came back out, planning to stand in front of the door where I could see both the car and the restroom, the UPS driver confronted me and said “I should call CPS on you! You left a preschooler unattended in the car!” He apparently didn’t see my son–short kid in a large car. I said “I just had to take my other child to have diarrhea [I was scared enough I just blurted it out] in the bathroom. My son’s in the car and he’s 12. All I did was make sure she made it into the stall.” Another guy broke in “But that was so dangerous! You should never do that!” My daughter came out then, and we rushed to the car and left, lest they actually call. I was in a cold sweat all the way home.

I think the UPS driver thought that my 4-year-old was alone in the car and that I’d gone into the restroom by myself to use it, and left her in there with the car running (it was cold out), thinking I might have been in there for several minutes. Which I would never, ever do, and would never happen anyhow, because we homeschool and I usually have at least one of the older kids with me.

We talk about Free Range KIDS but I think a bigger issue is letting go of the guilt we harbor as parents. It seems to me the issue stated above is very subjective. Some people say she made a mistake. Some say she did the best she could under less than ideal circumstances. To me, the issue is less whether what she did was good or bad, but rather that we as a group of adults don’t want to allow others to make their own parenting decisions. Maybe you wouldn’t have done what she did, but can you really say she harmed her children? That what she did really put them in mortal harm?

I admit a lot of my parenting decisions are figuring out 1. what other parents would judge me for and 2. whether those judgements really have merit– which is much more difficult. If you judge other parents harshly, only do it on the actual harm they cause there children, not on all the what ifs.

For the record, I have only left my young children in the car a couple of times and felt horribly guilty, not for having done anything wrong but for what others would think. They were never hurt. My one year old, however, did get hurt (and needed stitches) while I took a SHOWER, with her 4 year old and 7 year old sisters looking on. I felt horribly guilty– for taking a SHOWER. For the longest time after, I would not use the toilet without the child in the same room for fear something would happen.

We really need to tone down the fear-mongering. I see no benefit to making other parents feel guilty for decisions that were the best for them at the time and had little chance for real harm to the children involved.

As for the babysitter who offered to stay, I would have felt really guilty for taking her up on the offer. She had been there all day. She was tired. She really did need to go home and spend time with her own family and recharge after spending the day with somebody else’s children. I would have felt horrible to ask her to stay a few more hours.

Since Lenore is so big on stats, I found an interesting study (albeit from 10 years ago, but still) that did some research on kidnapping statistics:
http://www.missingkids.com/en_US/documents/nismart2_nonfamily.pdf.

So, there were 58,000 kidnappings in 1999 by non-family members. Of those, only 115 were “stereotypical” kidnapping which they define as “a non-family abduction perpetrated by a stranger or slight acquaintance in which a child is detained overnight, transported more than 50 miles, held for ransom or abducted with the intent to keep the child permanently, or killed.”

So, 115 abductions, children 0-17 years old. How many of those were kidnapped from a car? 40 or less. The category of whereabouts at time of abduction was “street, car or other vehicle.” So, the odds of someone random person taking your kid from your car are BEYOND slim. To give this some context, about 2000 children DIE in cars each year because of a crash. Another 250,000 are injured. So which is more dangerous – leaving them in the car quickly ONCE or driving them around every single day?

Dear Not-A-Bad-Mom,
I must respond before reading the comments. You will probably find that even on this website there will be one or two people who might chastise you; but as far as I’m concerned you did not do a damn thing wrong. Sure, your kids are very young, but they were where you could clearly see them, and you were checking on them constantly. As soon as there WAS some strange person around, you noticed right away (and I would say 99.999% he was a police caller, 0.001% chance he was a kidnapper). Want to hear a REALLY bad mom story? The other day I left my 6 year old son home ALL BY HIMSELF! For about 7-10 minutes! I had to pick up his sister at a meeting, it was only 8:00 p.m. but he had fallen asleep, and I could not wake him up (believe me, I tried), and he is too big for me to carry. So I made the trip as fast as I could, and guess what – nothing terrible happened. Of course. my husband, mother, and friends would also have a fit if they knew I had done this, so this must remain my dirty little secret unless a reader here decides to turn me in. Good luck!

Wow. I mean really. it’s like a witch hunt!!.
okay first off, it doesn’t matter if you agree with her actions or not, as a husband, it is your JOB to be at least a little bit supportive. as a mother you should be kind to your children.

the kids weren’t, hurt, nothing bad happened.

I’m with Harmony. Our culture expects us to leave a newborn in their crib alone for 12 hours every day, but it’s illegal to leave a 5-year-old in a locked, 68-degree car for 10 minutes? This is madness. Besides home invaders — SIDS, anyone??

Perhaps we are overly cautious with our older children because we’re compensating for leaving them alone and vulnerable so often when they are younger.

Hysterical that the man sped away. He was so concerned about the children’s safety that when the offending mom returned, he left? Bullshit. He was just nosing around in some situation he didn’t understand. He wasn’t concerned about the kids because if he was, he would have stayed to make sure they were okay. When we involve the authorities before we talk to people about our issue, we create a police state. What’s happening is we’re losing our human connection. We’ve got to hang in there and make sure we maintain it in any way we can and we can begin by talking to each other.

The other day I was talking to my mom about the difference between stuff you can learn from and prevent, and stuff you can in no way plan for, prepare for, or blame yourself for. We defined these as “life lesson moments” vs. “shit happens moments”. My mom (and I, as well) are classic worrywarts. We prepare for every worst-case scenario and do our best to keep it from becoming real. This is valuable at times–we’re always the ones with gum, bandaids, disinfectant wipes, Tide pens, pepper spray, and two extra sweaters when things go awry. Other times, we’re wracked with guilt, agonizing over what we could have done differently when life doesn’t turn out perfectly 100% of the time. We got into this conversation because my mom was trying to find the root cause for a car accident that she got into years ago, when the car hit a pot hole on a lonely desert road with her sober boyfriend at the wheel, which left her with several injuries, which to this day still hurt. Finally she said, “I wish I had never gone out with that guy.”

Trying to put a life-lesson into everything ends up making us superstitious–we attach significance to things where there is none, just so we won’t feel helpless. But we are helpless sometimes. Not all of the time and not even most of the time. But sometimes. Sometimes life hands you a “shit happens moment”, and you don’t even have the privilege of hindsight to tell you what you should have done, because it’s so senseless.

bc9njw9 — While a home is *technically* “private,” it’s really not much safer than a car. In both cases, if someone wants in, they’re going to get in, whether the doors are locked or no. As someone else mentioned, dark tinted windows can help keep prying eyes (no matter the intent) out, as well.

Also, from the way the story was told, it seems leaving the kids in the car was an unforeseen decision. Her original plan was to take the kids into the vet’s office with her (as she had originally done), but that backfired. Had she tried that again, this would likely have ended up a story not unlike the “Woman With Crying Toddler Kicked Off Bus” story from a couple weeks ago. So she decided to park the car where she could see it from the building, pick up the dog quick, and be done with it.

Kari — She could see her kids, though, and was going out every couple of minutes to check on them. She did it so much that she was annoying them.

I want to clear up something I tried to say before. I think the issue with free range kids is less about consciously giving kids freedom and more about empowering parents to to parent without the guilt society more and more places on us. Once we get rid of the guilt, we will allow our children to be free range. The biggest step is to overcome (for ourselves) inducing this guilt in others. Just because somebody makes a parenting decision that you or I would not make does NOT make them bad parents, just different. We really need to get over our judgmental attitudes, because it’s no fun being measured by the same yardstick.

Dear Not-a-Bad-Mom,

I’d have done exactly what you did.

I mean, technically I wouldn’t, because I don’t drive and we have no car, so I wouldn’t ever be alone with a car, two kids and a dog. But I would, for instance, leave my seven-year-old waiting at the bus stop in front of our building while I run back upstairs to get the forgotten transit pass, instead of shlepping her with me unnecessarily. I did that just last week, in fact.

When you’re a parent, there’s never any shortage of people to tell you loudly that UR DOIN IT RONG. If you’d hauled the kids in with you I’d bet any money someone would have given you dirty looks for subjecting them to a tired, cranky toddler.

I hope your dog is feeling better now!

@Dragonwolf, right or wrong, she did not say she could see her children the entire time. In fact, she DIDN’T see a car pull up and a man there until she left the building. It seems that from the letter she couldn’t see them and that’s why she popped her head out every 2 – 3 minutes, except for the 5 or 6 where she was talking to the doctor, to check on them.

Of course, with all the talk about how horrible men are and are out to molest children, I would have sped off if I was him. =) Nothing like a Mom hysterical because you might harm her children when you were trying to protect them.

Also call bullshit on the man, because I can see being concerned about an unattended car with kids inside. But you’d call the police rather than see if a parent is nearby, possibly needing some kind of assistance?

It’s sorta terrible that no one else in the situation was able to help the OP out – I mean, the vet could’ve explained the post-surgical instructions outside, and/or helped her get the groggy dog into the car, no? Are we only a village when we’re narc-ing on someone else?

@Uly – I am convinced that my dad had kids for the sole purpose of getting him beer from the fridge. It’s just one of the benefits of having kids. That, plus they’re short enough to crawl under your bed to get your slippers that were kicked way under the day before.

And weird. I posted earlier and it came up as sara and now I’m swa101. I am the same person with the dark tinted windows on the car to keep prying eyes off of my kids – one is just my no-longer secret identity I guess.

Oh, funny story about leaving my kids in the car time! Just a couple of months ago, I was running errands with 9year old and 7year old. I told them to just stay in the car while I ran into the butcher’s. I said “I’ll be right there, K?” and pointed to the store. 9year old smart mouth replied with “And will be right here, K?” and pointed to the inside of the car. So, yeah, I get it, she knows where the butcher’s is but really, did she have to be so sarcastic?

Mom did nothing wrong. People need to get a life. I agree with all the people who suggest that dad and g-mom and friend walk a mile in her shoes with a screaming kid and bleeding dog and see how well they fare!

It seems to me that the children were *safer* buckled in their carseats and happy than they would be upset and unbuckled in the vet’s office. Due to human anatomy, meaning the mom unfortunately only had arms, they’re going to be without mommy in one place or the other for a few minutes.

I used to work as an au pair in the US, one of the (many, many) regulations regarding doing that is attending a childcare training week in the US before you start work (it’s very basic stuff but mandatory regardless of previous experience/qualifications). One of the first things they told us, and kept repeating, was never leave a child alone in a car even for a second.

I then went to work for a family in a very cold part of the country and would, on occasion, leave the children (aged 3 and 7) in the car while I ran in to the gas station to pay so I didn’t have to drag them out into the cold. I would drive the car away from the pump and park it in the spaces next to the door so I could see them the whole 2 minutes I was in there.

Even then I used to feel guilty doing it, like if I got caught I’d get deported or something! At the same time it felt so ridiculous, my parents never thought twice about leaving me and my two younger brothers in the car for what seemed to me as a kid to be hours!

add me to the “would have done the same thing” club. I poked around to see where it’s actually illegal to do so:

Fourteen states have laws protecting children left unattended in cars. The states with this legislation are: California , Connecticut , Hawaii (new in 2008), Florida , Illinois , Louisiana , Maryland , Nebraska , Nevada, Oklahoma (new in 2008), Pennsylvania , Tennessee, Texas , and Washington. (according to http://www.harrisonshope.org/faq.html )

Interesting, this site promotes not leaving kids unattended ever and lists stats, but more of the accidents and deaths are due to adults leaving children in the car in extreme heat or backing up over kids.

from the site: More than 80 percent of these fatalities result from hot weather or back over accidents.

As a mother to three, who have amazingly enough survived to date, I feel the need to say Poop Happens. Sometimes unusual circumstances get thrown at you and you have to make that decision. And sometimes its poop no matter what you do. Had she hauled the kids in, they would have tantrumed, screamed, annoyed the other people, scared the dog and it would have turned into some serious poop. Possibly even chaotic poop that involved said unhappy dog biting a stranger and poof the police get called anyway, and every one thinks she sucks.

People seem more than happy, gleeful even, to report faults of others. They report the most inane offenses on the news, forums, true confessions sites and the like. Anything to make themselves feel superior to another. What would have happened if just ONE person had just stood by her car with the intent of keeping an eye on the kids (and they might have even seen her pop her head out to check on them!) and offer a HAND in protecting the kids from “danger”?

It would be nice on occasion if people put more than a seconds thought into their reactions to other peoples actions/inactions.

I would love it if my downstairs neighbors had used their collective brains before calling child protective services and the police on us.
Did I leave my kids alone? Nope, my husband was home and my brother was also present.
Did I beat them? Nope, I was at work.
They called the police to report that a suspicious looking stranger (my brother) and two suspicious teenaged males were spending an awful lot of time at my house and they were concerned about what was going on.

These people have lived under us for FIVE years. Our kids have gone to the same school. The police were QUITE upset over teenage boys hanging out at our house so often, often enough that the neighbors noticed them coming and going … daily. Those boys have been like furniture at my house for over 2 years mind you.
When the officer demanded to know WHY two boys would come to our house several times a day, my husband laughed.

We have a 14 yr old daughter, a fact that the neighbors left out when they called the police with their suspicions regarding possible abuse or drugs. The boys are brothers and her best friends- the children of my best friend and co-worker. THE HORRORS!

We need a Free Range neighborhood, with a big communal yard.

I’m expecting my first in January and so won’t be in this position for a few years, but I can see doing exactly as you did.

I know that growing up my sister and I were left in the car many times and we survived just fine. The worst that ever happened? She and I got into a fight and were yelling at each other when my mom got back.

You did the right thing. The next right thing: make your husband read the book. And I totally second Calvin and Hobbes.

What could have gone wrong? Obviously, the answers include: a kidnapper might have stumbled across the car at just this moment, and seen the opportunity he had been looking for all these years. Or, the kids could have run out of the car and into the street. Or, the weather could suddenly have gotten freakishly hot. Or an asteroid could have hit the car.

Why bring up the asteroid? Because I want to make the point I always want to make, which is that PROBABILITY MATTERS. An asteroid is so unlikely that no one worries about it, even though it would be really terrible if it happened, right? Well, guess what. A random kidnapper is also incredibly, incredibly unlikely. How unlikely? Unlikely enough that the chance is completely insignificant compared to the very real risk of a car accident happening ON THE WAY to the vet.

Let he who never takes his kids in a car for any reason, cast the first stone.

“I wouldn’t worry so much about abduction (as noted, that risk seems overstated) but about experimentation with car controls, and having a 2 or 5 year old popping a car out of park or releasing the brake is an expensive proposition, even if no one gets hurt.”

And I wouldn’t have worried a bit about those things. No five year old I had would have done that, and no two year old was strong enough.

I’m not saying my kids are perfect, I’m saying I KNOW them and none of them would have done something like that at five, had they been told to sit quietly and wait just a few minutes. If she knew her kids well enough to know they would also have complied, then she wasn’t taking the risk that they would do something that she could be quite confident they WOULDN’T do.

I don’t know what I would have done in this situation. I probably would have dragged the kids into the vet’s office and let them scream while I tried to cope. Of course even then, I would have had to leave them (gasp) alone in the vet’s office while I took the dog to the car. (Stuff like this is one reason I never tried to have a dog while raising five kids.) But I can’t say that would have been a better choice, or that this mom was wrong. I think she made the best of things and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED NOR WAS LIKELY TO HAPPEN.

BTW, when I said “Stuff like this is one reason I never tried to have a dog while raising five kids” I didn’t mean to suggest that it’s dumb to do so. I just meant I cope a lot better when I keep life simple. Other people operate differently.

It seems to me that, as parents, we need to believe what we are telling our free-range children – that it is okay to ask a stranger for help. I dealt with this on a five-hour road trip to visit my parents, with an infant and a 1 1/2 year old. How to manage if only I need to go to the bathroom? I figured out that Sonic Drive-ins have outdoor bathrooms, so I pulled into the spot right in front of the bathroom and ordered my milkshake. When the carhop delivered it, I asked if he (yes! – a MAN!) wouldn’t mind standing there for a minute, while I used the bathroom. No problem! It can be uncomfortable to ask for help, but it’s not like some kid took a job at Sonic hoping for that one day when he would have two minutes of access to a couple of babies strapped in their carseats.

Not being afraid of other adults will help you out time and again. We often need just a minute or two of help. Look for other parents to ask – we’re all in the same boat! You would be willing to help, right? I mean, don’t we Free-Rangers tell our kids to look for a mommy or daddy to ask for help? And don’t be afraid to accept offers of help, either! In this case, the OP could have avoided everything by just accepting the babysitter’s offer to stay. This is someone she employs. I’ve had bosses that never gave a second thought to making me work late for much lamer reasons. Anyone at the vet’s office would have been happy to help, too. This situation isn’t about a failure to do the right thing, it is about having the courage to ask for a little assistance.

And we don’t know that the man was calling the police. My guess is, he was calling his wife to find out what to do. She probably told him to stay and watch the kids and make sure they were okay, until someone showed up. Which is all that we know that he did. He’s not the bad guy in this scenario any more than the OP is a bad mom. I wouldn’t be able to just pass a car with kids inside without figuring out what’s going on. If mom ran out and said she was checking on them, or if I went in, and she acknowledged that she had left them, and would be five more minutes, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But you can’t stumble upon that scene and assume that the parent didn’t just forget (which does happen). Too much at stake.

I would say, that if you do feel like you would occasionally like to leave your kids in the car, have two keys, so you can leave the A/C on and lock the doors (obviously the second key is so you don’t lock yourself out). Cars heat up FAST, even with the windows cracked. There is a 100% chance that the car will heat up. There is almost no chance that a car thief or child abductor will stumble upon your car, so given the choice, keep it running with the doors unlocked.

Heather K makes a great point … if we don’t model asking for help (in stressful situations no less) how will our kids learn to do it?

Lenore,

Maybe it’s been said before, but…

How about having a homepage link to a page of REAL high ranking dangers…but include “Irrational Parental Fears” to show how UNLIKELY, silly, and anti-intellectual they really are. Maybe there should be 2 lists – one starting with The Most Irrational Fears and one that begins with those based in Truth.

@Kari,

On all the blogs in the world, this is probably the one where “. Thankfully he was just calling the cops, what if he hadn’t been?” is probably the LEAST appropriate. Obviously, you are still not entirely comfortable with the concepts of free range. the biggest danger to kids in a car is getting frozen or cooked in extreme temperatures.

Are all the people that drive by hour house when your kids play potential kidnappers?

I was just thinking about how I feel like a hostage in my own home with three under 4 years old. It is major planning and energy to run any errand, the post office is like an all day trip. I think this lady was fine. You do the best you can with what you have. And if people arent willing to be helpful then they should stay quiet.

Bravo to this mom! She has guts! I wouldn’t have been able to leave my two in the car for fear that I would be arrested. I shouldn’t have to have this fear. I, as a mother, she know what it best for my children not some random stranger. She did what she had to do in the sitiuation. Next time, let the husband or mother try doing this chore and see what they do!

Pamela,

It’s certainly true that women do the bulk of child rearing. But I don’t think we’ll make much progress dividing into female and male camps. Or conservative and liberal camps. Or any other kinds of camps.

My wife and I haven’t had many cases of people criticizing how we raise our son, but what we have had has come from women. I don’t think that matters, it just is what it is.

When I was growing up, we had a word for someone who criticized the way Mom did something: “volunteer.”

I leave my kids in the car ALLL the time, whether to run into the gas station or the bank. Doors are locked and they know to not open the door for anyone but me or Daddy.

People are INSANE. That mom is NOT bad mom, just a mom trying to handle a pretty scary situation, and if the kids were clearly doing fine then obviously no reason whatsoever to call police or make her feel lousy. And her own mom too! The same mom who PROBABLY drove her around in no seat belts, no car seats, probably left her in car when she herself was young too. TSK.

I feel bad for her.

About a week after our then 2 year old was placed in our house for adoption, she fell down a whole flight of stairs. Her 1 year old sister, who would be placed with us in a months time, was visiting that day as well. Though she seemed OK (I think I was actually worse off!) I thought she should get checked out. As the hospital is only 3 blocks away – and finding parking there is nearly impossible anyway – I strapped both of them into their stroller and headed for the Emergency Room.

At one point we had to go into the x-ray room and I needed to hold my daughter still so they could try and get a head x-ray. The youngest could not come in due to the radiation. Several people had been waiting with us at x-ray and 2 of the women said they’d keep an eye on the 1 year old.

I thought about it for a second or two and then figured what were the odds that one of the 4 people in the waiting room would turn out to be a crazed child-napper. Besides, everyone else in the waiting room knew what was going on and you would hope at least one of them would prevent the “crazed child napper” from leaving with the 1 year old.

Unless, of course, they were all in cahoots and hung out in the waiting room at x-ray hoping for just such an opportunity!

So, I left her alone in her stroller for all of 10 minutes right outside the x-ray room. When we came out, she was busy charming the pants off everyone in the waiting room and the people waiting for their x-rays had a bit of entertainment.

On the other hand, now that both girls are living with us full-time, I take the youngest into the daycare with me when I drop her sister of, despite the fact that I park right out in front, can see her the whole time that I drop her sister off and it takes me longer to get her into and out of the car than it does to atually drop her sister off.

In fact, given that the daycare is located on a busy street, it is probably way more risky for her to be out of the car BUT I’ve never seen anyone yet leave a child in the car while dropping off another. SIGH – 40 years old and still giving in to peer pressure!

I’m all for asking for help when you need it (and I love neener’s way of getting her girl to learn how) – but in this situation I don’t see the need.

Leaving the kids in the car while you nip into the vets for 10 minutes is fine. They don’t need someone with them if the mother knows they can behave themselves.

I disagree with the idea that the mother could have made a better decision in the circumstances. She could have made a different one – whatever works for her. But there isn’t any reason to think that she could have made her kids lives significantly better (or less risky) by doing things differently.

I wouldn’t have left them alone. Why? For the same reason she is writing in. Nosy people who can’t leave well enough alone.

Mom did the right thing to keep her kids safe. How would we feel as a society if mom had tried to juggle two kids and an injured (unpredictable) dog. The same people who are calling her a bad mom now would still be calling her a bad mom for exposing the kids to a dog that could become unexpectedly aggressive, not to mention the germ factor from the wound. Sometimes you can’t win for losing.

It irks me to no end that taking care of her children and dog the best this mother could would ever be criticized.

What is interesting is…It took me a number of times to find the right way to respond to this post. I kept typing things like, “this mom did nothing wrong” “she is not a bad mom” “she should not feel guilty about…” and decided that I didn’t even want to MENTION the words “wrong” “bad” “guilty” in responding to her story. Because that would mean she COULD have been so…I am simply sick to death of society doing its best to undermine and unempower women. We’ve heard it all before…women who work full time couldn’t possibly be good enough parents because “they are never there”, women who stay home full time to take care of children are fools because they (obviously) sharply curtail their monetary earning power and are not intellectually stimulated, women should have perfectly clean homes, women should have “successful” children, women should have quiet well-behaved children…and so on.

The Freerange Kids movement is not just about kids; it’s also about empowering women. For every overscheduled, trapped inside with video games to stay safe, homework swamped, pressurized kid, there is the mother who “should” be constantly doing something for their kids, with their kids, and because of their kids. And here’s the kicker: woe to her if she messes up. And I’m just sick of it.

The FreeRange Kid movement is really a feminist movement and women must start supporting each other NOW. Real support, as in band together to get some sanity back in our lives. So screw that man with the Audi, that husband, and that mother. I support this mom all the way.

My DS is only 3 and he is forever begging to stay in the car while I walk into my DD’s school to pick her up. We’re gone for 5-7 mins and it’s about as safe as it gets with parents swarming by…have I left him yet? No. Mainly because there *are* parents swarming by and it only takes one to be overly concerned and call the police on me.

Maybe I should I be more stand-up -ish and just leave him while I pick up DD. But I won’t take the chance. Not because he’s not safe, but because of the horror stories inflicted on the parents.

I completely empathize with this mom. Completely.

NOTHING wrong with what this mom did. I’ve done it myself, numerous times in numerous situations. My only concern as well is that someone else will see me and report me. Once I even ran up to the corner Walgreens while my 2 & 3 year olds were napping. That’s my dirtiest little secret. My kids are now 2 & 4, and if they’re all strapped in their carseats and we’re loaded up to go somewhere, and I realize I’ve forgotten something in the house, I see nothing wrong with locking the car and leaving them in it on our urban, residential street while I go back in to get whatever I’ve forgotten. If it’s excessively hot or cold, I’ll leave the car running and take my extra remote with me.

I’ve also made a run to the grocery with my 2 year old, and then had further stops to make. So rather than unstrap him, corral him into the house, carry in all the bags, then get him back in the car and restrapped in, I’ll leave him be, run the bags in (and even put away the frozen items!) and then go back out so we can be on our merry way.

I’m PROUD of the way I parent!

I think you all are misconstruing the man with the cellphone’s concern that the children were in the car. He was really concerned about the most likely danger that they were in being in that car…you know…getting in a car accident on the way home…

My son was 6 months old and I went on a trip to visit my Aunt while she was staying a few hours away. On the way there, I had to go to the restroom. It was hot, and in South Carolina, and during the summer. My son was asleep in the back, and I (I don’t remember my thought process) but I left the car running, windows rolled up, A/C on high, and took what I thought was the spare key to run inside and go potty. About 2 minutes later, I ran back to the car, and tried to get in, only to realise that the key I had grabbed, was my housekey and NOT the spare key to my car.

So, there I am, HOT summer day, watching my baby sleep, in a Mc Donalds Parking Lot, with no phone, and no keys, and no money, and watching the needle go down on gas.

Frantically I ran inside and found someone with a Cell Phone, they dialed AAA and the Police. The Police showed up first, jimmied my car door, and made a few jokes about stopping at Mc Donalds, and off I went. No warning, no bad mom comments.. And that I was truly amazed. However I never really forgave myself, and the scare it gave me to have done that.

There is ZERO common sense in the whole car saftey thing. Take they keys with you, roll down the windows enough that they don’t roast, and you child is more safe wating for you in the car than at recess in school each and every day. Kids die in hot cars. Cars get stolen with kids in the seat. These are two real dangers. You took care of both. The saftey of the area, the outside temp were fine. You are a GREAT MOM! Tell your husband to grow some balls and some common sense.

*I wasn’t finished lol*

Partly to blame is the media, and certainly shows on TV like CSI, LAW AND ORDER, the list goes on. People see a situation they fail to understand, and go to extremes rather than just get the facts themselves before reacting.

Sad, sad state of the world we belong in now.

After reading the posts and the comments, I am really overwhelmed. This post sounds like those kinds of logic puzzles with a sheep, wolf and rowboat.

I’ll bet the odds are greater of getting hit by a car walking to the vets front door than sitting in the car in a parking lot in a town full of old people. Just a thought.

AC on = keys in ignition.

And yeah, I got hit by a two-year-old boy in a parking lot a few years ago, and he was moving at about twenty miles and hour. Damaged my van pretty well… thankfully, I was parked at the time, or there would have been added force involved. His five- or six-year-old sibling was in the back, too.

It was quite weird to see it coming… I saw the vehicle veering closer and closer to me, and then coming right at me, I laid on the horn, and then looked through the other windshield only to realize that I saw the TOP of a small head, not a face on a big one, LOL!

NOT saying, “Oh, this happens everyday and everytime a child is alone in a car for ten seconds and we should all live in fear of driving preschoolers”…..

But yes, it’s very possible.

Tracy Lucas — While your situation included AC, the original one didn’t. So, while it can be an issue, it’s not always.

I think people generalize things too much, instead of looking at a situation for what it is.

Again, I want to say that I never claimed this woman was a “bad mom” — I just said I wouldn’t do what she did. No biggie.

I’m back because, having been in this conversation the past couple of days, I did find it weird when I opened my Inbox a minute ago to get THIS from my newspaper, listed right below a FreeRangeKids update:

Woman steals car with baby inside
http://tinyurl.com/yl5brx7

Again, improbable, but you gotta admit, the timing’s ironic!

Gotcha — I misunderstood your statement then.

HOWEVER… I am *not* judging her. I’m just saying I would choose otherwise, because those are MY fears, not HER circumstances.

Two different things.

I think we mostly agree, here. 🙂

I do leave my kids in the car from time to time. They’re 4, 3, and 1, and I’m pregnant again. I have no guilt about it, and nobody has ever lectured me about it; not that it would matter to me if they did.

I got into the habit while living in Alaska, where NOBODY wants to haul a sleeping baby out of a warm carseat into subzero temperatures for a three-minute errand.

Since it was such common practice there (and nobody died from it!) I haven’t bothered to unlearn it.

Frankly, it’s handy sometimes to be able to run into a school building or an office to drop something off and not have to deal with five-point harnesses times four kids times two buckling sessions in less than five minutes.

The hassle involved in all THAT dwarfs the actual errand by a factor of twenty. 😉

Admittedly, I don’t get out much in the first place these days, but in that situation, I’d have done exactly the same thing.

And, what’s more! I’d bet you fifty dollars the OP’s husband would have done the same thing, too. LOL. She should leave the kids with him for a week or two, see how he changes his stance on certain “issues.”

@Claire – I like your 3:17 comment, particularly:

“And, what’s more! I’d bet you fifty dollars the OP’s husband would have done the same thing, too. LOL. She should leave the kids with him for a week or two, see how he changes his stance on certain ‘issues.'”

I really think that humans will not continue to evolve into smarter, more complex beings until they stop watching T.V. (particularly the news) because the aim of media is to create fear and thus divide and isolate us. This is ridiculous that close friends and family were freaking out! I do this all the time too (I don’t tell anyone, though) with my kids 5, and 2. I lock the door of course, and there’s no way they would open it for anyone, so where the heck are they going to go? I recently took a plane ride with them (my husband was not with me) and had to use the bathroom. I of course left them in their seats because seriously, where could they possibly go, and how could anyone manage to kidnap them? And anyhow, how could 3 people possibly fit into an airplane’s bathroom? I’m sure people worried about my parenting habits though.