Help Needed: A Friendly Kid, a Scolding Neighbor

nice article Heather. I think it resounds with honesty. We’re often blindsided by other people’s beliefs that they have the right to say what they want, when they want and to who they want. You handled it with grace but realized later than you were angry. Writing this article expressed it and vented in a way that’s helpful and didn’t engage this stupid woman in what would most likely be an unpleasant interlude for you.

I have taught my children that they are to be polite to everyone who speaks to them, and that includes strangers. Polite includes answering when someone says hello. As far as I know, nobody ever died as a result of saying hi while walking down a familiar street in broad daylight.

I would have been very tempted to tell that lady that she was at that very moment speaking to a stranger (me) and why wasn’t she afraid?

But it would depend on her demeanor, of course. And, I’ve been known to walk away from an offensive neighbor rather than show my kids my uncharitable side.

I’d’ve just said nonchalantly: well, she knows not to go off with anybody, that’s good enough for me! At least I’d’ve said that in a perfect world where I come up with something smart to say when I need to say it.

I can’t see any point in engaging in discussion with strangers like this; different if it’s a friend or neighbor who might care about what you think and actually listen.

I think I’d tell her, “I actually encourage her to talk to strangers! If there is ever a problem, I hope she’ll ask for help from whoever is around.”

This turns the ‘safety’ issue around. Instead of saying that you don’t mind her talking to strangers because there is no danger, it turns it around to say you want her to talk to strangers because there IS a danger. It acknowledges the fear, but puts the spin on it that strangers can help out a child in need.

I like the idea of saying “since it isn’t realistic to ask a child to never speak to a stranger, isn’t it better to teach them “how” to safely interact with strangers?”

Wasn’t there a recent study that said the vast majority of kids who were taught NOT to talk to strangers did it anyway?

Heather – I would probably have done the same as you, though I wish, in the moment, I could think of something like Amy or SKL’s responses. I doubt that they would change her mind, but it would at least let her see that her world view isn’t the only thoughtful one.

The moment may be gone, but the incident isn’t and this woman is your neighbor. You might use this as an excuse to head over this weekend, with your daughter, and introduce yourselves. You could tell her you don’t like the idea that your daughter shouldn’t talk to a neighbor two doors away so you thought you should introduce your family properly. Do it in a kind way though, not a sarcastic one, the idea really is to build a strong community, not point score. Then you can tackle the stranger danger meme in a more effective way than any quick come back on the street.

There is NOTHING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT here. This wonderful lady was simply trying to help a neighbor. That’s what we all believe in, right? If I saw a 3-year-old running out onto a busy street, I would grab him and warn his parents. In her mind, she was doing the equivalent.

On the other hand, she was sadly misinformed about where the dangers lie–and she runs a day care, which means she is taking care of a lot of kids all the time–which means, she is someone we would really like to understand better where the true dangers are. So if you get the chance, I would sit down and talk to her. Tell her honestly that you appreciate her concern. Point her to Lenore’s blog, or give her a copy of Lenore’s book. Explain to her that, as a day care provider, she can really help children and parents understand what actually is and isn’t dangerous, but first she has to look beyond the myths. Do for her the favor she was trying to do for you!

My oldest son was the same way. We lived in a neighborhood where the sidewalks were in the middle of the block (as opposed to around the perimeter) and they all pointed to the elementary school where there was a lovely park. Because of the design of the neighborhood, many people went for walks right past our back yard. My son talked to each and every one of them when he was outside playing.

Granted, I was grateful for our fence as I’m sure he would have joined in and gone to the park with a few of them. And I was a little unnerved when folks would drive by the front of our house in the afternoon and call out to him when he was upstairs in his bedroom. (He was supposed to be taking a nap but thought it’d be more fun to stare out the window.) But he’s fourteen now and nobody stole him away from me.

Much like the author, I never wanted to squelch his friendly demeanor. We’ve moved many times since that uniquely designed neighborhood that was so family friendly. There were times when I missed it horribly. But we’re in a reasonably free range neighborhood again and I can promise you my 6yo and 7yo have “free range” over the whole thing!

I have often repeated this gem, I believe Lenore said it first, “I have taught my kids that it’s a good idea to talk to strangers. But they know never to go anywhere with strangers”. Such a small change but it is all you need. Don’t go anywhere with strangers.

Remember the old adage, “strangers are only friends you haven’t yet met.”

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You handled it the right way. Sometimes even if you may be justified in telling someone off, it is always a good choice to take the high road.

One point to bring up: What was your daughter talking to her about? Sometimes it is the conversation that matters more than the fact that she was just talking to someone. Like I would be more concerned if someone’s kid was telling me a lot of personal details about themselves unsolicited than if they just said “Hi how are you?”, you know what I mean? It is okay for a kid to say “Hi” and make small talk to a stranger. I allow that and encourage my kids to do that. However if questions or talk becomes more personal then I might try to deter that. That is how I handle my interactions with adult strangers too.

@Lollipoplover, I guess I’m a bad parent. When I was in New York City earlier this month, my son (also age 12) wouldn’t be caught dead holding my hand in public. We gave him instructions on how to take the subway to our destination if we got separated (train number and stop). If he forgot the directions, he could ask an adult, preferably one who looked like he/she worked for the MTA or one with a kid. Even on our first day, he figured out which train to take to my brother’s apartment and which stop was his. We never did get separated, but we wanted to our son to be prepared. He had a great time in New York. He especially enjoyed Ellis Island, where he could look at the exhibits at his own pace. When he was lagging behind, he still knew where my husband and I would be, so nobody was worried. Even when my son was very young, my husband and I taught him to ask a nearby adult for help if he was alone and got into a jam. We taught him that it’s fine to ask strangers for help but never to go off with one.

Caught off guard as you were I would probably respond the same as you. My planned answer would be that I encourage my kids to talk to people. I want them to know how to properly interact with a variety of people. They know not to ever go anywhere with anyone they don’t know. Kids are actually a pretty good judge of who may be a bit shady. My kids are always talking to people. One night in a grocery store check out there was a strange guy in front of us. He kept talking to the kids and they were giving him one word answers, very unusual for them. After he left they both turned to me and said that he was really creepy. He was definitely creepy, I was a relieved when he left. They had a sixth sense kick in to know not to really engage this guy in conversation like they usually do with everyone else.

Once I was scolded at a playground for letting my 6 year old son climb on top of the playground structure. I just smiled and said that I encourage him do dangerous things. The fact is again he knows what he can and can’t do. I’ve seen him check out going up even higher onto a very steep very tall part at the top but he always stops himself, he knows he can’t really climb up there, he would fall. If I were to yell over and tell him he couldn’t do it then it’s me stopping him. That is no good. It just makes him want to do it more, either to defy me or to prove to me that he can. It’s much better for him to realize on his own what he should and shouldn’t do. The problem is too many parents step in and yell “NO” before the child gets to realize on their own that it’s a bad idea. I won’t always be there to yell no, he needs to learn to make decisions for himself.

IMO you did the right thing. A chance encounter on the street isn’t a great place for a serious conversation about child safety. If you ever run into that woman again, maybe you can have that conversation — and by acknowledging her good intentions this time, you’ve left the door open for it.

Remember the old adage, “strangers are only friends you haven’t yet met.”

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Oh, I just LOVED that, it was excellent.

On the other hand Kenny M Felder I must disagree with you. There IS something, possibly anyway, to be angry about. It’s one thing for people to give each other ADVICE, but it’s a fine line between that & lecturing, and it SEEMS as though that line was crossed. And in your scenario, why would you “warn” the parents? What would you warn them about? What a bunch of lazy jerks they were being, because they were imperfect for 2/10ths of a second? Because how they didn’t know the street was busy–as if they really are that ignorant?

I would hope that if you did talk to the parents, I hope it would be something more along the lines of “here’s your little guy (or girl), I see the little squirt got away from you again huh? I know how that goes.” You know, a SYMPATHETIC sort of tone, if that’s how you were to do it then fine. But if it has that undercurrent of judgmentalism and snottiness–frankly, you can save it.

As for the original poster–I wouldn’t necessarily be ugly to the person, I would say that I might would be inclined to say something like “I don’t consider John Walsh a credible source for what the ACTUAL dangers out there are, I WANT my daughter to talk to to strangers as long as she doesn’t LEAVE with them–but I appreciate your concern just the same.”

LRH

“There IS something, possibly anyway, to be angry about.”

I think the difference here between Kenny and Larry is that Kenny thinks there’s no point in getting angry at people who are misguided but not intending any offense, and Larry thinks it’s his duty to get angry every time he perceives that someone doesn’t respect his rights.

I tend to side with Kenny here — there are legitimate times to get angry, but what’s the point of insisting on it when a more peaceable attitude could be taken to accomplish the same thing?

Well pentamom in general your posts are among my favorites, logical and reasoned and dead-on FreeRange.

My thing is this: I am NOT looking for a fight, although it may appear that I am. Seriously, I’m not. However, I think parental rights are EVERYTHING. I think many people in this country, in an overzealous attempt to protect children from horrible parents (a noble & proper goal if not carried too far), people now don’t respect the fact that unless the parent is molesting or sodomizing their child or doing something TRULY HORRIBLE to it, then their rights and choices as the parents are absolutely EVERYTHING, and you are NOBODY to meddle in the middle of it, even if your intentions are good that is IRRELEVANT, you are meddling and it’s not appropriate or right.

It is fine for close friends or family etc to offer their advice. I have even contacted Lenore privately (I hope it’s okay I say this, Lenore) to ask for her advice in specific situations, I respect Lenore’s opinions and I wanted her opinion, and I sought it out. A parent should not be so full of themselves as to think they have all of the answers & won’t listen to people who mean well.

I think the TONE is what is relevant here. If someone really is trying to HELP but they are respectful of the parents’ rights and authority, it is okay. The question here is this: was the neighbor “scolding,” as Lenore put it, or was the neighbor actually coming from a place of love and compassion for the PARENTS just as much as the CHILDREN and looking to make a positive contribution? If it is the latter, then I certainly agree with you and Kenny about not making a mountain out of a molehill.

However, if it was coming from a place of self-righteousness, snotty scolding, and a lack of respect for the parents’ position, you better believe I think that’s out of line and someone becoming angry about that isn’t wrong at all, and is completely founded in sanity and is a just and proper reaction.

LRH

Walsh has taken us down a very dark road. We can thank him for stranger danger, fear, misinformation, and witch hunts. This post is the tip of the iceberg. Surprised that lady didn’t come back with a camera to film the poor kid talking nicely to a stranger. Oh, it will come.

I’ve seen that video – there are good parts, like teaching your child to distinguish between people they know well and people they “sort of” know, boundaries – like an adult will never ask a child to help find his puppy etc – and also making it a rule to come and ask your parent before going somewhere with anyone. But there are crazy things too, like if a stranger talks to you scream NO! at them. I didn’t have my son watch the video, but I used what was useful to teach him some street smarts.

There’s a great book by Gavin DeBecker, who is a security expert. He advises NOT stopping your child from talking to strangers, but learning to assess strangers, how strangers normally interact with each other, how unknown adults normally talk to children, so they learn to judge when someone is not behaving appropriately. It’s so much better than treating everyone like a potential kidnapper/child molester.

Once a contractor, (who was a parent of kids from school and soccer), showed up at my house for a planned meeting. My kids, who saw him through the glass door and knew he was coming, recognized him from school drop offs and opened the door for him. He then scolded them about opening the door for strangers. The kids were confused. I was confused. Who are strangers? Who are our neighbors? And what do we do when our neighbors act strange?!
People mean well but they say weird things. I kept my mouth shut.

@Maria: “He advises NOT stopping your child from talking to strangers, but learning to assess strangers, how strangers normally interact with each other, how unknown adults normally talk to children, so they learn to judge when someone is not behaving appropriately. It’s so much better than treating everyone like a potential kidnapper/child molester.” Bingo! 😉 Worked for me and my friends back in the day, we turned out pretty good. And what was good for us, is just as good for our children.

I’m reading Jaycee Dugards book “A Stolen Life” She WAS abducted by a stranger. He used a stun gun and dragged her into his car (with his wife). She didn’t talk to him but was still kidnapped and hidden away for 18 years enduring unspeakable abuse at his hands. How would “don’t talk to strangers” have helped her?

My suggestion is to respond with something like this: “What a shame that we aren’t familiar with each other. You only live two doors down. So sorry I haven’t introduced myself, My name is Ellen V, and this is my daughter Susie and my son Matt. Susie, Matt come here, I’d like you to meet our neighbor…”

this reminds me of when my oldest daughter was 2.5. She was very chatty. I am trying to be more free range, but have never quite been a helicopter. Anywho, I told my 2.5 old daughter that she could say hi to people, but I didn’t want her to tell everyone her full name before they even asked. I didn’t think they needed to know. Soo, when we came across the next stranger at the store, she said, “Hello, my name is Hermione” It was probably the funniest thing ever. Even funnier, she was a flower girl in a wedding that weekend and would only respond to Hermione.

I didn’t get to read all the comments, but I’ll answer the one about what will happen when kids grow up in the “don’t talk to strangers” mentality. We already see it. I grew up during the stranger danger hay day. So did my husband. I grew up with a police officer for an uncle who impressed in my mother that talking to strangers was safe but going with them or not knowing any kind of self defense was not. My in-laws raised their kids not to talk to strangers. My husband has had to work really hard on his communication skills because he never developed them naturally. Though he isn’t one of the millions of adults who can’t hold a conversation but spend their life online or texting the result is the same- poor face to face communication skills.

I agree about John Walsh. He lost a child in a hideous manner, and has made it his life’s work to bring criminals to justice. I do think he’s gone way overboard, but I really can’t fault him for trying to do something to make sense of his son’s senseless death.

I would have done exactly what you did. I always try to be polite and feel worse later if I am not, even if I have some great comebacks.

Hello Heather – i’m pretty sure i’m probably repeating something someone else has said, but i haven’t had time to read all the responses! I think the dealt with it just fine, and engaging with someone who thinks like that is probably a waste of your precious time.

My son is 5, and also very chatty to ‘strangers’. We don’t discuss things like ‘stranger danger’ – i have explained to him that everybody we don’t know is technically a ‘stranger’ and most of those people are friendly and can help him if he needs help, and he should always ask a ‘stranger’ for help should he need it. But, i have also explained that some (very few) ‘strangers’ *might* be bad people, and we just never know which one’s they will be – so therefore if someone he doesn’t know tries to get him to go somewhere, or get in a car, or pick him up, he has free reign to do whatever it takes to get away or attract attention (fight, scream, etc).

And Heather, you dealt just fine. Best not to get into a disagreement with a stranger. (Really, what is there to gain? She is not going to change her mind because of you.) If she comes back and says any more, well, I am sure that you will have a response ready.

I was just in a communication and conflict management session today, and came out of it with the best take home message. Don’t take it personally. This is how we become offended. I know myself, and I would have been obsessing over this for days. But I realized today that the speaker was right. When people say things to you that can make you feel offended, they are the ones with the problem, not you. So just think to yourself, that’s her issue not mine, and move on. You handled it better than I would have. Don’t let it eat at you. Her perceptions are based on her reality, and they have nothing to do with you so just let it go. Conflict avoided, end of story.

Hmmm, well, I am one of those who thinks if someone is going out of their way to point something out to me, I can state my opinion, regardless of whether they are a stranger or not. Still, I agree with those who have said that, to some extent, there isn’t really much to be angry about here, except for this woman’s misinformed nature. She sounded like she WAS trying to be helpful… haven’t you ever seen something you thought was awful and “spoken up”? I have. And, yes, I’ve gotten the “mind your own business!” from people, but have felt better for speaking up. There’s a fine line between meddling and speaking up when something looks seriously amiss. I guess you could be offended that she thought you were doing something awful, but… suppose you had been doing something awful? Shouldn’t she have spoken up?

The problem for this woman is that she considered a non-threatening situation to be one that was “seriously amiss.” What would I have done? Probably, like you, I would have not been able to think of anything on the spot. If I had my wits about me, I probably would have tried so say something to “educate” her. I like some of the suggestions I’ve read above.

I understand where Matt W and Kim are coming from, but frankly, I really like what Sheila R had to say. Darn right–you’d never consider telling her how to run her daycare, and you’d appreciate the same courtesy.

Understand: those like Matt and Kim who are saying “don’t take it personally” and “don’t let such people get to you,” I understand. If we took every single thing personally and made it all about us, we’d be mentally insane. The world is too imperfect for everything to be exactly as it ought to be, and you have to make allowances for a certain amount of imperfection. It’s about finding peace for yourself in a crazy world.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to CONDONE it or give your specific APPROVAL of it, and on some level when you don’t speak out about injustices, you go beyond just “finding peace for yourself in a crazy world” and you actually end up giving your APPROVAL for such things. It’s fine to say that you’re going to not let such things drive you to drinking, but it’s another thing to be a sucker & let people take advantage of you. You have to find the right balance.

This applies in a lot of things. For instance, I very much don’t approve of people driving below the speed limit, especially in the left lane of a multi-lane highway, and no I don’t care if it’s because their vehicle is disabled, they’re scared, or are towing something heavy. It doesn’t matter, I don’t want them in my way, and I think they should at least get in the right lane to faciliate people who want to pass, those people are under NO obligation to putt-putt along at 20mph below the speed limit with the perpertrator.

If I let every single person who did this drive me that crazy, I’d give myself a coronary. When I am able to tolerate at least SOME occasions of this wihout flipping out, things go much better. HOWEVER, at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with, in the RIGHT way, expresssing your point of view that someone doing this is being selfish and inconsiderate of other motorists. A person who is doing this does need to be told that their behavior is inconsiderate & selfish and needs to be addressed.

Another example: I can’t stand the noise of barking dogs, it is extremely stressful for me. I used to even flip-out if I encountered this while walking in a city street by someone else’s house. Somewhere along the line, I got to where occasional instances of that no longer caused me to flip out. In other occasions, I’ve gotten by with earplugs. Either way, most of the time, I’m okay.

HOWEVER, I still agree with laws that deal with that, and moreover, on my own property, I am VERY staunchly protective of how I shouldn’t have to put up with that on my own property. I stand up for my rights there because, on my own private property, I shouldn’t have to tolerate such noises. Also, even on city streets, if someone’s dog tries to bite me, I let them know that’s unacceptable and it will lead to a police report if they don’t address it. People need to understand that it’s not acceptable for them to let their animals run loose and harass people walking by the house, and that “the dog is just doing what comes naturally to it” is a cop-out that won’t be tolerated.

You can’t drive yourself to insanity waging wars against every single petty imperfection that comes your way, but neither should one be told to just tolerate all instances of it either, else you send the message that such behaviors are acceptable, when they’re not. So it goes for the instance in the original post.

LRH

Heather, I don’t know if you’re still reading this far. In the past I’ve responded with, “Yes, a lot of people have those kind of worries,” and then wait and see what the response is, see what conversation we’re going to have. Many people just want to vent. Sometimes productive conversations have resulted.

Now this woman was TELLING you what to do, and invoking an authority-like posture. In the past I’ve said things like, “It’s interesting you think you care more about my child’s safety than I do.” You can also say, “Do you enjoy unsolicited parenting/daycare advice?” Or you can just let her say her piece and not respond. Or argue the facts and statistics (which has never been fun for me).

There is a solution somewhere that fits your temprament and allows you your peace of mind. I hope you find it!

YEAH Lady!! I applaud her! Not a popular response for many of you but let me tell you why, because my answer would have been different a week ago.

A youngster in our community committed suicide after years of bullying. This child reached out in many obvious ways. It caused me to think…NOT about the bully, but rather about the bystanders – any of whom might have been able to prevent this tragedy.

We are no longer a village raising children. We are silo’s. I am in my 40’s and as a kid, no one thought twice about yelling at a kid…anyone’s kid…who was acting up -in their opinion. It was awful getting in trouble by a neighbor because you knew that you were also going to get in trouble at home…and then even more trouble for embarrassing your parents.

That doesn’t happen in most places today. We don’t want anyone to say anything to our child, or in this case, about our child. Likewise, we bite our tongues when it comes to others’ children-even our friends’ kids; often especially our friends’ kids.

We have become bystanders in our silos. Our kids are learning from us. Yeah!! lady who was concerned for someone else’s childs safety and had the courage and loving heart to speak up. You don’t have to agree with her…take it under advisement unless you have parenting all figured out, but most definitely say, “Thank you for caring about a child you don’t know and will likely never see again!”

I bet that lady’s child has a voice, and a child who has a voice does not need to become a bully or a bystander. Moreover, they will experience greater happiness in life because they can speak up for that which they believe.

I say, have gratitude for EVERY person who takes an interest in your child and rejoin the village!

There’s a point which I haven’t seen made here, but which I think needs to be made. Often mentioned around here is the point that crime is way down and is now back where it was in the early ’70’s. However, crime was never *up*! At least it wasn’t up across the board.

During the 80’s, when much of our current media and cultural perspective was formed, the crack epidemic hit. This was the era when kids were killed in their beds by bullets flying through their walls. Drug dealers were fighting turf wars for control of the business, and many innocent adults and children were killed in the crossfire. Because of sentencing laws which treated ever- younger kids as adults, pushers used younger and younger kids for their dirty work. As a result, there were lots of 11-13 year-olds who were carrying guns and delivering drugs. If they died or were arrested, their bosses just saw it as part of doing business, wrote them off, and replaced them with even-younger kids. Some police departments nearly abandoned parts of their cities out of fear. Many cities were absolutely devastated and are still working to recover. Detroit, in particular, was nearly destroyed during this time and it looks today that it might never be able to recover.

The media ate it up. They broadcast the carnage to the world. Nightly news broadcasts stuck to their “if it bleeds, it leads” motto. As a result, people who lived even in safe, non-drug-infested, non-gang-infested areas thought that drug dealers were in their area ready to addict or recruit their kids. They thought the violence was just around the corner.

It wasn’t.

As terrible as it was for the high-crime areas, even during the times with the highest crime-rates, living in a safe area meant you lived in a *safe* area. Crime was heavily localized, and much of the population never had anything to fear.

Nevertheless, we shut our doors and locked out our neighbors. We reined our kids in and shrank their world to one of indoors play and pre-arranged play dates with carefully vetted families. Walking to school was seen as ridiculous when there were shootings happening on street corners every day. Our kids worlds got smaller and more programmed.

Our reaction to the violence of the 80’s was largely an overreaction. Most of our kids were never in danger in the first place. Now, however, they are in danger of obesity and diabetes. They are in danger of never learning to tie their shoes until they are 14. They are in danger of never learning to ride a bike. Never going around the block by themselves until they are learning to drive a car. Never doing anything at any time without adult supervision. They are in danger of being laughed at by potential employers when their mommy calls about a job offering despite their being college graduates.

We have raised a generation of kids who live at home with their parents into their thirties not just because the economy is bad, but because they have never had to make a decision in their lives, never had to learn to do something on their own, never been allowed to fail and pick themselves back up, never had to do anything for themselves.

So, get a little perspective and realize that our kids were all right back then, they are all right now, and they will be all right tomorrow.

Even if you continue to look at it with a suspicious point of view, I finally learned that making eye contact with people and responding to them lets them know that you are paying attention to what they are doing. It goes a long way, I think in deterrence and I wish someone had taught me how to meet the world with confidence back in the seventies.
That poor woman has been telling people what to do her whole life and she probably couldn’t stand to think she could be wrong. Just like we have to tolerate the fact that there are child molesters in the world, we also have to tolerate that there are busybody bossy know it alls in the world.

What I find funny is this. She says “There is a really good video that John Walsh put out about teaching kids who it is ok to talk to ”

I don’t know John Walsh and I’ve never seen that video, but does she really think that she is one of those people to whom it is not ok for a kid to talk if that kid were in trouble? (ie a woman driving a mini-van who is familiar because she lives right down the street?)

Heather’s account resonates with me in a number of ways: 1) the “helpful neighbor” who actually does have good intentions but is so buoyed up by the fabricated terror of a prime-time media that seems to spend more time recommending reactions and setting social norms than it does actually informing (have you noticed that each “news story” about child abduction is always accompanied by advice on how to behave or what to buy to “prevent this from happening to YOU?!??) that she ends up being completely self-righteous and intimidating, 2) having that “frozen reaction” as recipient of this well-intentioned dressing down and feeling both obligated to receive this concern with grace but also being so taken aback that your own free-range principles escape you for a moment but if you do manage to communicate them before the drive-by finger wagging is over, they come out sounding defensive or even hostile, 3) and then the feeling of hopelessness afterward that there just doesn’t seem to be a satisfying way to respond to these kinds of confrontations.

So, I feel pretty torn about the right way to handle these situations myself. But here’s the crazy thought I’ve been having lately: We have this weird little arched shelf on the front of our house, the kind of place where you’d expect to find a saint icon or something. I’ve never been able to figure out what to put there, but lately I’ve been thinking of putting up a kind of free-range manifesto so that anyone who is thinking of coming to tell me that my kids are playing unsupervised in the park or that they were spotted at the bus stop alone could see the manifesto and think twice before asking me if I’m aware of how horrible I am. You know, like the best defense is a good offense.

To me, it all rests on how important it is to you. Like someone else said, we all have to pick our battles. If this is a battle that you feel should be picked, by all means, be polite but firm in asserting yourself. However, if it’s just not worth the effort to you, then I would say you responded appropriately. Now, if her parenting lectures become a frequent occurrence, you may have no choice but to assert yourself.

See to me I feel it is more important to teach kids to be wary around even people they do know. Since as the statistics show kids are more likely to be hurt by someone they know. Also just because it is a wise lesson in life. I have been hurt or been in bad situations when I knew the people in question. I was okay because I am wary by nature of people and I am smart about trusting people and reading them. My lesson to my kids is treat everyone nicely and decently until they give you reason to treat them otherwise. However, always be smart and wary to a point with anyone besides perhaps your mother, father and Mimi. Don’t just blindly trust anyone minus those three people.

I think you handled it as well as anything. I suppose we could all think up a thousand witty (and true!) statements to make her shut up, but even though I think you have ever right to be offended, this is something of a win-win situation. It’s not very plausible anything you could have said would have changed this woman’s mind. She feels she has done a good deed by enlightening you do the madness of the world, and your opinions have not changed.

I suppose if it were happen again and you were prepared, I would thank her, inform her of how I’m raising my child with stranger awareness (not danger, just awareness), and that she brought up an excellent teaching opportunity about assessing stranger situations. But in this case, you figured she was visiting a friend in your safe and lively neighborhood and did not pose a reasonable threat.

AMW was cancelled by Fox so Lifetime (Television for paranoid man-hating women) picked it up. He sure loves milking his kid’s death for what its worth.

My answer to the “never talk to strangers crowd” when they start telling me who my son should and shouldn’t interact with, is to tell them that in a time of need, a stranger will be the most likely person to help my child. When we were in a car accident, strangers stopped by to help us. When we are lost, strangers help us find our way. Almost all crimes against children are perpetrated by someone the child knows well.

Just posting because I’m getting too much email following this thread and I can’t see how else to turn it off.

I think your method was perfect. To engage her would only have caused you aggravation. I might have added something like, “all the world is a stranger, until we meet them.” Or give her some stat about the percentages of abductions that are actually made by friends and relatives of the family as opposed to strangers.

We do pretend scenarios with our kids randomly where we act out people trying to get them to do something they don’t want to do such as getting in a stranger’s car or doing something just because a peer says they should. We talk to them often about tuning into their gut (and that includes not always saying hello even if someone says hello to them!) We talk to them too about their “dog voice” which is inside them and is there for their use. It’s the loudest scream/yell ever and is useful if in danger.

It’s too bad stranger and danger rhyme. Perhaps if it wasn’t so catchy, people wouldn’t use it so often.

In reality, this woman was trying to help you. Child abduction rates may be falling, but unmedicated individuals with violent mental illness is on the rise. It only takes the wrong person to drive by your house once and snatch your daughter up. You can’t replace her and should be thankful for the advice of how to safeguard your children a little better. Is it really worth the risk to not?

facepalm, facepalm, argh!

“any second your daughter could be GONE, not WRONG”

Ugh!

Oh, don’t lie. You’re not sorry to be blunt 😛

And really, when people say inane things like that, bluntness is the best they can hope for.

Was just trying to argue with another parent that it’s safer now than when we were kids, and that it was okay to let a nine year old walk to a store a couple blocks away by himself.

She threw back at me…”Well that guy with the TV show whose son was killed says…”

I might just be giving her The Book.

I love this blog. 🙂

Heather, I would have done the same as you, I’m sure. I get pretty shocked when people ‘correct’ me and give unsolicited advice, so I usually just smile, say thanks and part their presence. Then I get upset/mad and come up with all sorts of replies and things I wish I could have said.

A LOT of what has been said is right on the mark.

It *would* be nice if our villages were raising our children…but the sad thing is, our houses have turned into villages (‘they’ have done studies! our ridiculously large homes actually replace and represent villages…the gathering commons, the local cafe/diner, the bar/tavern). Yes, there is still that remnant of wanting to work together as a community—hence all the unsolicited advice. Yes, people mostly *are* just trying to help, not coming from a place of maliciousness nor are they trying to make us feel dumb/stupid/bad.

But, the way people go about doing this is the problem. Ever notice how when people hand you unsolicited advice, they NEVER 1) introduce themselves, 2) give a compliment, 3) ask if they can offer a word of wisdom, 4) give the advice kindly and without sounding like a know-it-all?

It’s semi-off line, but it’s applicable here. I think of the way I was trained as a personal trainer. They told us to think how when we’re in the middle of a workout, do we like to be interrupted? Outrightly told we’re doing something wrong, or told there’s a better way to do it? No. We were told, approach the target (we were of course trying to help people but also recruit them as clients), introduce ourselves, mention that it looks like they’re working xxxxxxxxx really hard (“you’re really working at a steady cardio pace”), and then ask if you could offer a way to make their session better. And if they say no, thank them for their time, let them know if they do have any questions they can come to you, and LEAVE.

I think if people said, “Hi! I’m Dawn. Your daughter’s lovely, very friendly! I’m just concerned with the way she wandered off from you and came so readily up to me” then maybe it would show they just care.

Alas, I think FB, Twitter, blogs (I have one, too! I’m not being a hypocrite here) and forums have made us all believe that EVERYONE wants to hear what we have to say…people are finding it more and more difficult to censor themselves in real life when it comes to things they feel they are the expert on.

HEATHER: I also have to say though that I think it’s WoNdErFuL that you are not squashing your daughter’s spirit. I am a firm believer that a lot of the issues we are having in society, especially among our women, is because we have been taught to reign in our natural selves. We are wise, and intuitive, and very in tune with others. Keep encouraging her to let her spirit soar, and to always listen to the wisdom she’s been given within!

Very late to the party, but what the hey.

My response to this, and I have used it more than I should.
“No, I have taught her not to talk to strange people, not strangers.”