How Do You Tell A Total Helicopter to Back Off?

Tell her to BTFU! Someone who that blatantly disregards your wishes is no friend and has already alienated herself.

“I’m trying to foster my child’s sense of competency by allowing him to walk a few blocks on his own. If it makes you feel better, please call me as he’s leaving your house.”

Or something along those lines, but don’t cave too much! It might also help to point out that she, herself has probably walked further distances with no incident.

good luck!

Ugh. I don’t know if I’d wait until next time. I have big problems with the idea that she felt it was safer for a stranger (to you and your child) to drive your child than for him to walk two blocks in broad daylight. I know you don’t want to alienate her, but I don’t think you are going to get through to her with it a ration, well thought out argument. I think she needs to be told, flat out, that he is your child and you have determined that it’s safe for him to walk home, and that if she can’t respect that, your son won’t be able to play at her house. I’d assure her that it’s not what you want and that you value the boys friendship, but ultimately, you can’t have another parent contradict you like that.

I’m thinking that she’s going to be a tough nut to crack. She probably will never agree with you. I like the “kids need exercise and fresh air” approach, because um, it’s true!!

I get raised eyebrows all the time about this same situation…most helicopters are satisfied with the phoning you as the child is leaving (as mentioned above) to ease their worried minds.

Good luck!

Start small. Tell her that you want your son to get the exercise and you want him to walk home. If she feels uncomfortable about it, she is welcome to walk with him. And keep reminding her that your son is allowed to walk home on his own. At some point she might even realize that your neighborhood is safe enough for children to walk two blocks on their own.

Building on harmonyl’s idea, I would say walk down to pick him up next time and then, when you get there, tell him to run along home while you ask for a recipe/date of school event/chat with the kid’s mom for the 4 minutes needed to give him a head-start.

You told her that you wanted your son to walk home like a big boy, and she refused. She doesn’t trust your judgment and she’s given you reason not to trust hers.

Would it be too much to not allow your boy to play there anymore. Sure, it’s no fun for your kid, but he can invite his friend over to his house. Would alienating her really be that bad?

If the mother is not willing to follow through with your wishes for your child, then perhaps, sadly, your son should not be able to play at her house. PERIOD. if they go to the same school, then the boys will see each other there. or the boys could play at your house and even if you don’t agree, you’ll respect her crazy helicopter ways and walk her son home.

when adults don’t respect my authority for my children, then they are not allowed responsibility for them no matter how ‘nice or normal’ they may be.

good luck!

I would be LIVID if someone sent my child home in another adult’s car. NOT because of stranger danger but because there are so many bad drivers (and because it was expressly against my instructions). I would probably have already flipped out on her, but assuming I was at the point where you are, I’d make it a condition of future play dates that she let me parent my own damn son.

And yes, Annika, thanks. You totally get me!

yes to the person who said ‘ask the mum to ring you as your son is leaving.’

that might reassure her that you are to expect him home in 5 mins – you could even say to her that you will walk and meet him half way or whatever (you could lie, or do it) – say he needs the exercise, its teaching him a little self reliance, uses less gas, etc etc.

I have used the “this is training for something bigger” explanation with some success. For example, in our province children are legally able to babysit at the age of 12. I have explained to other concerned parents that I wouldn’t expect my child to just babysit at someone else’s house starting on their twelfth birthday – I need to start training them to be able to stay home alone for gradually increasing periods starting around the age of 9 or 10.

Similarly, in my town, kids are expected to take public transit to middle school and beyond. I explain that I want my child to start learning to make her own way home over short distances starting now so she’s fully comfortable with it by the time she’s 12.

I have found that helicopter parents can really buy into the idea of easing a child into independence. Once they’ve accepted the central thesis of your argument they’re unlikely to quibble over whether two blocks is really too far for a 9-year-old.

Well said Rebecca. I’m thinking I might just ask her if she realizes she’s disrespecting me and my choices for my child when she does this? And asking her how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Say, if I just decided to send her kid walking home alone, rather than wait for her to come pick him up. I can only imagine her reaction.

And you’re right, I really don’t want to bring the boys in to the middle of this nonsense. It’s not their problem she’s a total TWIT!

PS — I’d say point her to this website if she wants some research to back up your ideas, but that’s probably not a good idea after reading some of the comments! And one other note, I wouldn’t ever say “disrespect” in a discussion with her. That’s a hostile word and would get someone worked up even if your intent was to keep the peace. Good luck!

Totally agree that the hostile responses to this situation are silly. This other mother is trying to keep a child safe. We can disagree with her rationale and/methods, but her motivation seems pretty well-intentioned.

I don’t think I’d get my panties in a bunch over one situation. This child can have plenty of other opportunities to be independent. If the other mother isn’t insisting the author do anything and isn’t throwing the inconvenience back to her, then what’s the problem? Maybe the author is overthinking the implications of this particular situation a bit too much just as the other mother is overthinking the danger.

I would add to in addition to her calling you as the child leaves, have the child call her when he gets home so she can stop worrying.

There are all kinds of people in the world. Kids learn this and adapt extremely well to other people’s quirks, needs, and differing expectations. If this woman was asking your son to take off his shoes inside, but you didn’t have that rule at home, would you demand that she let him walk around shod indoors because ‘that’s how we do it at our house’ or would you respect her wishes, her way of doing things, as is the polite and human thing to do? I don’t know, I just feel like this is not something worth starting a war over – if your son is old enough to walk home alone he’s also old enough to understand that some parents do things differently, and why. I can’t help but think that wanting to micromanage how your child gets home – walking or riding in a friend’s car – is just another form of ‘helicoptering’.

“I prefer not to have my child get into a car with a stranger. Please, next time, have him walk home.” That’s something even a helicopter parent would understand!

I agree with Desiree and Emily: you are going over-board and not respecting this mother’s sense of responsibility for your son while he is in her care. Count yourself lucky that she feels that way about your boy regardless of your distant relationship with her. Your insistence on your way being the right way is rigid and completely unnecessary. Loosen up a little and let your son continue his friendship without making a mountain out of every molehill.

Here’s an old-school suggestion: give the boys a set of walkie-talkies. They can usually reach two blocks, depending on the neighborhood. They’ll have fun playing with them, and it’ll mean that they can walk back and forth between houses independently (your preference) without being incommunicado (her preference).

I’m with those that say let this one slide, or let him walk there alone and pick him up.

BUT if you are really against it… you could drill into your son that he is not to get into a car with anyone unless that person can tell him an agreed-upon password that lets him know that this person is authorized by you to take him somewhere in a car. Tell him to make a big fuss about how this is a safety precaution. If she calls and asks for the password, use Emily’s line of “I’m trying to foster independence.”

That puts your son into a difficult position, though, so unless he is so dead set on walking by himself from this particular friend’s house that he is willing to stand up to an adult about this, I would go with my original advice: let it slide, give him other walking opportunities and and hope that over time, she will come around to your point of view.

I’ve been in the same situation and to me it has not been worth alienating other parents and risking my son’s friendships over. Some of the other parents have over time come around to letting not just my kid walk, but theirs also. Others haven’t. That’s life.

I love the walkie-talkie idea! It’s better than the heli-mom calling and standing on the sidewalk as he goes home and giving you second-by-second updates on what is going on with him… 😉

I have a sister-in-law very similar. Give her a taste of her helicopter medicine! Next time he spends time with her children at their home, stop by and visit. Bring cookies or something and mention how proud you are of your son’s healthy walking habbits and how terrible it is that some children are simply driven everywhere. Then say oops. Tell her you have to run – walk – home and to make sure he does too. Thank her and compliment something she’s wearing. I call it the sandwich. Sweet – Bitchy – Sweet.

@ Aly

ROFL! Love that, “the sandwich”!

I think the only truly horrible thing the other mother did is sending him home in the third woman’s car without your permission (even though you knew that woman). That was out of line in a way that *her* driving your son home wouldn’t have been, IMO (because you agreed to put your son in her care, so to speak). So I’d tell her you felt really uncomfortable that she did that, and use that as a way to start a discussion of how to get your son home. Then ask her why she doesn’t feel safe to let your son walk home alone, and what system you could put in place to alleviate her fears (this is where the phone suggestion might come in handy). That way you’re working *with* her towards a solution, but she still gets the message that she was out of line.

The one thing I wouldn’t do is put your son in the position of trying to make a stand and leave on his own. When I was in my early teens, my family was quite poor and didn’t have a car, and it was my responsibility to get myself around on the city bus. I can’t tell you how many times I stood on the sidewalk after a school event or at the doorway of a friend’s house, nearly in tears as I argued with someone else’s parent that I needed to take the bus home and couldn’t accept a ride. Even though I caved in more often than not, I ended up being banned from a few homes for being “disrespectful,” when really I was just trying to do what I was supposed to do.

Wow talk about disrespectful – many of the replies epitomize this!
– “Hell mom”?
– You can’t reason with “crazy”?
– You could sue?
– nasty notes pinned to a child’s jacket?

Judgmental much?

I do feel responsible for kids at my house and safely getting them home. I would never put a child in any car, including my own without their parent’s permission. But I also would never feel comfortable letting a child walk home unless parent knew the child was on his way. Furthermore, I don’t think my children are old enough to walk home from friends houses. I’m sure that makes me a “helicopter parent” – worthy of the contempt of this board without further investigation or compassion.

Are we all so angry that we can’t have a dialogue any more? If you want somebody to respect your parenting style, then you need to respect people who parent differently from you. You can model respectful behavior even if you aren’t on the receiving end of it. (hint, calling somebody crazy doesn’t help). You can also gently insist on being treated respectfully.

My advice, don’t do anything until you can dial way back on the anger and judgmental attitude.

Peace

Sorry if I’m repeating anyone else’s suggestions. My son has just got in (5.15pm) from getting the bus to the local park after school, playing football and then walking home. He is happy laughing and very pleased with himself (he was worrying about the bus and what to do etc). I think of the suggestions I’ve read you’ve all made excellent points, but this whole mothers judging mothers business is really a difficult situation, especially when you just want to live your life in your community and not get bothered. I would maybe let my boy walk over to the kids house first, setting the precident in action (apparently they speak louder than words), this is not a woman who is going to change overnight, and I eckong she will dig her heels in even more if you are too forceful. Maybe suggest the boys meet at a local park and let your son go there on his own. Interestingly I was on the phone to my friend in the UK the other night and she was complaining that her 12 year old won’t walk to school on his own because he is so fearful about what will happen to him, she admits she created this problem. Good Luck, and keep trying!!!

To me, the concept of “free range” is mostly about teaching respect and independence. I’d first ask your son about his preferences, and if he wants to walk, then I’d explore options.

One of the best things we can teach our children is how to treat others with respect and find ways to compromise that work for all of us. In my very safe and rural neighborhood, NO ONE walks to family gatherings. People will drive their SUV literally two houses down the street. But it’s not our job to judge that, we have the choice to walk! And we do!

I’d probably walk the two blocks myself to pick him up, then let him head off first while I chatted with the mom about how great it is for him to develop independence and how lovely it is to be out in the fresh air, etc. This takes the feeling of responsibility off her shoulders and after doing that once or twice, you can have her call when he leaves. I would probably also let him walk TO the house, as others have suggested.

To Jane, I agree that there has been a great deal of unpleasant, hostile and disrespectful advice given. However, I think that the “hell-mom” was meant to be HELI-mom, short for HELICOPTER. Of course it was the overall disrespectful tone of some of the messages that easily led to that misunderstanding.

To avoid that in the future could we all agree not to shorten helicopter in that way? Better yet, how about if we stop labeling people based on one snippet on information about a tiny fraction of their lives?

Or could I ask this question of those who have such utterly condemning attitudes? If I want to be a Free Range Mom, with all rights and responsibilities, is it absolutely necessary in your eyes I that I completely condemn anyone who does not immediately conform to my standard at that moment?

Lenore, I would particularly like your perspective on this.

Kindly let her know you do not approve of your child riding in cars with strangers and you prefer he walk home. I agree that having her call you when he leaves is a good way to reassure her your son can make it home the two blocks.

As far as respecting the host parent goes, it sounded like she was very disrespectful in disregarding the other parent’s rules. Then again, I wasn’t there to hear exactly how clear the free-range mom was about her kid walking home. And I agree that it makes sense to discuss in advance how they can kind of meet half-way. Calling the mom to say the boy is on his way home is a good idea – I got the impression that the woman had called, but maybe not. Walking the boy halfway home for a few times should ease Ms. Helicopter’s worries. That should really be enough. How about buying her a copy of FRK?

I hope she checked to make sure the 9-year-old was placed in a car restraint consistent with state law when she sent him in someone else’s car. Nowadays, many 9-year-olds are small enough to need a booster. Given that, it’s pretty amazing that someone would arrange car transportation for someone else’s kid without their involvement.

I can kind of relate to this, though. My kids’ ex-nanny used to baby the kids way too much when she started. I pushed and pushed to get her to meet me halfway on most things. She will now say “I learned so much from you” about what kids are capable of, but she really isn’t in my camp yet. She now comes on Saturday mornings and takes my kids to swim lessons. Last weekend both girls needed to go potty urgently after getting out of the pool. Nanny wouldn’t let them go into separate stalls because she felt they were not old enough for that yet (they are 3.5 and 4). So a very unpleasant scene ensued. I told her that I let them go into separate stalls and I got that judgmental look. Ugh. Nanny knows that they have been completely independent at home for over 2 years and have plenty of experience with public restrooms. Some people just don’t get it.

When I was a kid, the general rule was: If you’re at someone else’s house, you abide by their parent;s rules. Sometimes that was a pain if the parents in question were stricter than mine. Sometimes it was great–when the parents involved allowed their kids to watch TV shows that were banned at my house, or eat sugar cereals that my Mom refused to buy us.

I’ve been really annoyed in the past when a Mom has dropped a kid off for a play date an given me a list of forbidden activities, food items, etc. that she expects me to abide by while her child is in my home–even if this would mean a disruption of our normal routine.

If we’re going to let our kids visit other homes, they will be exposed to different parenting styles and lifestyles. And that’s mostly a good thing.

I agree with Jane. There is way too much anger going on here. I do let my 9 year old walk home short distances and many of his friends do the same. I always call the other parent and let them know when their child is leaving and always ask for a phone call when my son leaves someone else’s house. I enjoy reading Lenore’s blog but honestly some of the messages posted are way to extreme for me.

Perhaps you could point out that it wastes precious natural resources to fire up a car to drive four blocks (there and back), and that the environmentally conscious approach is to conserve when possible, and to instill that habit in the next generation.

Depending on the other mom’s politics, you could also throw in something about how driving perpetuates the United States’ dependence on foreign oil, funding foreign extremism, patriotism through walking, etc. 🙂

I’m for relaxing a little and talking to the other mom. You might be able to come to an agreement. Being too confrontational can make other people stubborn. Talk about your reasons for wanting your son to walk and listen to her reasons why she’d rather he not walk home. You may be able to address her concerns sufficiently.

I like the phone call when he’s on his way idea. It’s a nice balance.

I have no advice except maybe buy a copy of Free Range Kids and drop it off at her house. I agree it is not worth it to become confrontational.

I live 1/2 block from my kids’ school. My daughter has a friend whose father objects to letting her walk to my house from school with my daughter. 1/2 block! They are in 5th grade!!

I joke around with the father about it. He occasionally shows signs of loosening up.

Honestly, I’d be more worried about her sending your child home with a stranger (I’m assuming you didn’t know the woman) than about refusing to let him walk. That would be something I would have immediately talked to her about.

Interesting that your neighbor would send your son home with a stranger to him and you.

Most likely the heli-mom is thinking, if something happens to your son on his walk home, that she doesn’t want it on her conscience.

So it’s not only fear for your son’s safety, it’s fear of a guilty conscience and damage to her reputation. What if there had been a traffic accident with the stranger-driver?

Your instructions were to let your son walk home. She clearly can’t deal with it.

I suggest you walk to her house and pick up your son so that you two walk home together.

Set an example for the neighborhood.

Count me as one who is surprised by the tone of many ot these comments. If a mom decided to drive my son two blocks instead of letting him walk, even after I said it was ok, my response would be “Boy, that was stupid.” But it would certainly not be “How DARE she disrespect me as a parent!!” Give me a break; why take it so personally? This lady didn’t want him to walk because she genuinely is uncomfortable with the idea. It may be out of ignorance but it is not out of disrespect.

I tend to look at helicopter parents much like people with other phobias. If you knew someone who was extremely germ-phobic, for example, you could explain until you are blue in the face that his fears are irrational but it probably won’t make a difference. People with irrational fears over children’s safety are not going to let go of those fears easily, especially when it seems that the rest of the world backs up those fears. We should try to have more compassion and less outrage.

And let’s not turn ourselves into a bunch of irrational fanatics. Those making a fuss over getting a ride from a “stranger” – please stop it, we all should know better than that. And the same for those who brought up car accidents. Yes, car accidents are far more common than abductions, but I think a person can drive two blocks in a residential neighborhood without a fatal accident. Simply put, it may have been stupid, but no actual harm was done by this mother sending the boy home the way she did.

@KarenW: The heli-mom didn’t drive the child home. She had someone else do it. If SHE had driven him home, that would be different. I’d think she was loopy, but wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. But if she had someone else drive him home, and I didn’t know that person, I would be livid. As I mentioned above, the heli-mom is so paranoid to let the child walk home on his own (which no doubt his more than capable of), but yet she gives the responsibility of taking the child home to someone else? Without letting the mother know? That’s hypocritical, irresponsible, and dumb. If I was responsible for a child in my care, I would never pass the buck off to someone else. NEVER. It’s MY responsibility, no one elses. At the very least, I would have called the kid’s mom and tell her that I’m tied up, and take her child home, and don’t feel comfortable letting him walk on his own. That I have a friend who can drive him home. If the mom is cool with that, great. If the mother insists her child walk home on her own, either I let him, or drive him myself. That’s the respect I’m speaking of.

I am in total agreement with Christi, on October 26, 2010 at 06:55 on this. I don’t think it is fair to ask another adult (especially one you aren’t paying) to conform to your particular parenting philosophies when they have charge of your child. There are exceptions of course, allergies, that sort of thing, and another parent should, out of common courtesy, respect the child if it says ‘my parent’s don’t let me do that’.

In cases such as this then, the parent should call you to confirm what the child says. If they make a habit of pawning the child off on a third party without your permissions, then of course you should drop the association.

If you really want to change her mind though, Christi’s suggestion is the best way to go. That way the other mom sees ‘Free Range’ in action, but since you are there she can do nothing about it. After she watches it a few times, she will be much more likely to give it a try herself. (And with no hard feelings between the friends’ parents 🙂 )

Sure, the heli-mom is influencing the other mom’s kid. But so what? This is, what, a couple hours a week at most? Kids simply aren’t so fragile that being told something by some other kid’s parent that is different from what their own parents say, is going to deeply confuse or mess them up. Certainly not kids who are old enough to go visit other people and walk home from their houses alone.

I think if the kids are friends, I wouldn’t let the other mom’s parenting style get in the way. As long as you trust your child to be at the house then give that mom some time to warm up to being a Free-Range parent! It doesn’t happen overnight.

I like the idea I read on here about walking to the friend’s house and then allowing your son to walk/run home ahead of you.

It doesn’t take much to influence a child, and at 9 years old, they are old enough to be able to be able to walk home on their own, old enough to do a lot of things on their own, but they are still pretty impressionable. And we don’t know what the heli-mom is actually telling the other mom’s kid. But there is a good chance, based on other stubborn heli-moms I’ve known, that she is circumventing anything the son’s mom is trying to instill in her child. THAT is disrespectful. That’s “so what”. I didn’t see the author’s post here that said she knew the person the heli-mom got to drive her son home. But if it’s a “mutual acquaintance”, then she didn’t know that person very well. Again, statistically, most of the time time it’s someone we know that does the harm. Not a total stranger. And the question in hand isn’t the fact that acquaintance drove her son home, but the heli-mom got her to drive him home with consulting the mother first. If I’m looking after someone else’s child, and I plan on passing the responsibility of seeing the boy home to someone else, for whatever reason, I will make sure that I inform the mother first and get her input. If the mother says to let him walk home on his own, regardless of how I feel I would either let him (as the mother wishes), or take him home myself. I wouldn’t rely on someone else to. Not their responsibility, it’s mine.

What it all boils down to is not who’s right or who’s wrong, which parenting is better, or even how I feel. It’s about respecting the other parents wishes. I’m sure the FR mom would respect heli-mom’s wishes if it were reversed. Why can’t the heli-mom do the same? If she really has an issue with the boy walking home on his own, then she should pack up the kids, and start walking him home. Sky said it, it’s not the inconvenience of the FR mom, so it would probably be no issue for her. But the judging on the heli-mom’s side is unacceptable. Which she is doing by taking matters of someone else’s child into her own hands, including passing him off to someone else to take home. That’s a double standard there.

So, AS THE LETTER WRITER, I have to say I’m a bit surprised by some of these answers. I guess I am not from the “turn the other cheek” camp. And I guess I didn’t equate being a “free range” parent with being a doormat. So, I am to allow her to continue to disregard my wishes for my child because SHE has a hard time with them? I don’t think so.

Let’s be very clear about a few things. I have never, ever disrespected her in this way. I have never questioned or second guessed the decisions she’s made for her children, no matter how ridiculous I’ve thought some of them were. I have always been friendly, supportive, and respectful of her desires and wishes and opinions. When she’s insisted that she knows what my child needs better than I do, I’ve just laughed it off and humored her in her neuroses. I have never been confrontational. That’s why I’ve come here, to look for ideas about how to tell her NICELY to back off.

There is no question that I will talk to her about this, in some way or another, sooner rather than later. I have made it very clear that I would like my son to walk home, on his own, on more than one occasion. In my book, once should have been enough. I shouldn’t have had to humor her this second time around. It’s not my job to make this woman comfortable with my parenting decisions. It’s her job to respect them and honor them to the best of her ability at all time — whether or not she agrees with them. Just as I have done for her in all the 10 years we have been acquainted. It’s not as if I’m asking her to break any of the rules of her household. I’m not demanding that she let my child jump on her beds or play with her sharp knives. I’m asking her to let him walk out of her house by himself!

Further, I can see absolutely no reason to involve the children in this nonsense. They’re just a couple of kids who want to play together, and don’t need to be aware of the parental “politics” involved. There are plenty of opportunities for them to see that different people do things differently every day. And if I don’t stand up for myself and insist my wishes for my children be honored, what kind of example would that set for them anyway?

As for the third party who ended up driving him the two blocks (I can’t believe I’m the only one who finds that utterly insane), she is also a woman I have known for years, who I am friendly with–in the same way I am friendly with the Helicopter mom. Although I know the other mom to be less of a helicopter parent, I can only imagine she was probably stuck between a rock and hard place when asked if she could drop my son off “on her way,” even though she wasn’t headed in our direction. I know of several other friendly acquaintances who have indicated they think the Helicopter mom’s behavior is sometimes over the top (one who is a good friend of hers), but I don’t think anyone ever says anything to her. They respect her right to parent her children how she sees fit.

And yes, I was speaking to the Helicopter mom on the phone when it was time for my son to come home, telling her to just please send him, and was on the line when she asked the other mom to give him a ride (and don’t even get me started on the nerve of asking for a favor on my behalf that I had not even asked for—and generally wouldn’t because I don’t want to inconvenience people).

That said, all of the other nonsense is completely beside the point. The point is this woman has disrespected me in this way TWICE now. And I suppose if I feel disrespected, then there’s not much arguing with feelings. There have been lots of little things this woman has done that I have shrugged off over the years for the sake of my kids. I WILL NOT shrug this off.

It would bother me but I probably wouldn’t say anything. I’m not going to embarrass my kid over a two block ride. He can take a walk afterwards.

Well, Eric, I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. I fully agree 9 is old enough to walk a couple of blocks, and I also think it’s old enough to be occasionally exposed to the imperfect parenting practices of other people without being damaged, assuming they are not actively abusive or dangerous.

I couldn’t agree more with Cathy. From what “The Mom” says, there are probably many more issues over which I would confront this helicopter mum. But I don’t think there is any nice way to do it. I mean, you can try to tell her as politely as you can that what she does makes it really uncomfortable for you. That it’s very rude when she contradicts your parenting decisions, maximum in front of the children and in front of other adults. And if she continues this way, your kids will have to meet unmanaged and in a neutral place, or not at all.
But really, you can’t expect her to take that happily.
I guess it’s a little bit like telling a co-worker that he’s got a problem with his deodorant. It’s just an embarrasing situation for everyone.

I’mTheMom:

I think you’re upset because a “helpful suggestion” to you would be everyone agreeing with you. People have been giving helpful suggestions…many of them. You just aren’t hearing what you wanted to hear. You are actually trying to be a helicopter parent yourself. Not only will your children be raised your way, every other person in the world must do it your way even when you are not in the area. As soon as your children are out of your sight they will be influenced by all sorts of people. YOU CANNOT control those other people. They will go against your teachings! They might allow things that you don’t allow. They might not allow things that you would. It is not a disrespect to you. It is LIFE! This is a minor disturbance! She is driving your kid home, not sacrificing babies to the devil!!

Here are your choices…and they will always be the same when you can’t control the behavior of other people (whether it be parents who swear in front of your kids, parents who serve candies when you don’t approve, parents who allow movies you don’t approve of etc…):

1. Let it go
2. Forbid your kid from going there (that only works for a few more years though – your kid will defy your control soon enough)

There you go – helpful suggestions!

I agree with Facie who said: “I would, however, probably say something to the H-mom about my kid getting a in car with someone without my prior knowledge. If it is that important for H-mom to not let the kid walk home alone, then H-mom should walk the kid or H-mom should drive the kid”

You can’t change the Helicopter parent’s view of the “danger” of walking home, but they should also respect that you left your child with THEM and not with someone else.

I would treat it as a learning experience for your child, by saying something like “Some parents just parent differently, and we have to respect that – even if it means you can’t walk home when *I* know you can.”

I’m sorry that many of the people got angry about this and didnt’ respond in a useful way.

I think everyone that has ever *made* a parenting decision has had it questioned by someone who decided they don’t agree with it.

I think that there must be some more history behind this. I understand that. Some people could make a suggestion, and I wouldn’t blink. Some could make the same suggestion, and it would get my hackles and defenses up.

I don’t remember seeing anyone recommend that you ask your son how *he* would like to handle it. It is decidedly UN-Free-Range to decide for your son that he is not going to be friends with this kid because his mother works your nerves. Talk to your kid. He’s 9. He knows how important this kids friendship is to him, and he might be quite willing to let the H-Mom drive him home (while inwardly rolling his eyes) to keep the peace between himself and his friend. He might have some ideas or suggestions that you haven’t thought of. The goal here is not to get every other Mom to bend to your will. It’s to raise a young man that has the tools as an adult to diplomatically deal with all sorts of different people and situations. Give him some control over how you handle this.

Yes, you are right.

Thank you. Additionally, in keeping with my free-range approach, I will be leaving the 12- and 7-year-old home alone to go retrieve him. Of which, I am sure, she will not approve.

I’mTheMom. I hope you are still watching this thread, although it’s pretty much resolved now it seems.

I agree 100% with you that all of the “lighten up” posts are not the correct approach here. Those who stated how helicoper parents not only tend to be so restrictive with their own childrens’ ability to play etc but tend to do the same with others, that is correct. Too many times, they aren’t content to have their own children practically 8 inches away at all times, they pester others to do the same. You are right to take issue with such interference.

Some have stated “when you leave your kids with someone else you should respect that they will do things differently” etc. I agree, in general anway, but as someone else stated, that doesn’t apply with this situation where your child is leaving. Where it regards your child’s behavior and level of freedom while being watched by this person, by all means–they should respect what this person asks. However, that has nothing to do with your child walking home.

It appears free-range means different things to different people. To me, it means giving my children the same sort of playful freedoms of adventure I & others from times gone by enjoyed, and also it concerns the right to parent my children however I feel without someone else preaching at me. That goes for how much freedom I grant my child with play, but also with how I discipline them. I allow lots of freedom of play, but I allow very little whining and boo-hooing and tantrums, I come down strong on those very quick & decisively–and I would not stand for someone telling me I am wrong, unless it was a friend whose wisdom I respected.

Parental authority is under attack these days in many ways, and free-range, to me, is as much about fighting against that intrusiveness–where it regards my right to discipline for tantrums and whining OR for granting my children lots of license fo play–as it is anything else.

LRH

Just as you want her to respect your opinions and feelings, you have to respect hers. She’s not comfortable with letting him walk home from her house. You are comfortable letting him walk to her house. You can either agree to disagree and let her drive him home, or not let him go over to her house.

If you want her to respect your opinions, don’t you show that by respecting hers?

Woman With Kids. I disagree, the original poster does not have to respect the person’s opinion, especially if it’s being applied vs simply being expressed tastefully.

It’s simple: the “friend” isn’t comfortable, but it’s not her child and is not under her care anymore once the poster’s child is now on the way home (again, while the child is THERE is a different deal altogether), so her opinion is completely irrelevant and deserving of–well, nothing, I’d say, nothing at all, especially (again) if it’s actually being applied vs simply being expressed.

The whole “she has her opinion, you have hers, if you want her to respect yours you have to respect hers,” that applies when it concerns the original poster not judging her “friend” with how she parents her kids–that is, adult A parents their children (little As) a certain way, adult B parents their children (little Bs) a different way–both A & B should respect the differences. And if A watches the little b’s for B, or vice versa, they parent their own way not the parent’s way, but only while the child is there–once the child is gone, that’s it. And, neither adult A nor B are obligated to respect differing opinions about how they parent their own children.

So: again, the original poster is under no obligation to respect the differing opinion of her “friend,” especially when this friend is putting this difference into action–with the child no longer under her care–against the poster’s wishes.

LRH

“And the “bad guys” are not abducting children in broad daylight. ”

Yeah right. Got any stats to back that up?

I’mTheMom. “Will you marry me?” How flattering. My response would be (a) I’d have to see a photo at larrytxeast@gmail.com (I’m not Christian Bale myself, but I like to know) and (b) my current wife probably will object, so even then you’d be a backup plan at best, in the event my wife turns into an alien & travels to Mars with her green sister. HA HA.

As for “how to have a respectful conversation?”

Let me try. I don’t know how much help I will be able to provide, but let me try.

I would try & be respectful initially anyway, where it regards everything else. That is, express appreciation that she lets your 2 kids play together at her place, and explain how good that is for the kids to have someone their own age to play with, in a known-safe-close-convenient environment, & how that enables you to have a break and do your adult things also.

Very important: express, also, full support for how she disciplines your own child while there if he, say, hits the other child or goes exploring in her toolshed upsetting her husband, stepping all over her pretty flowers, etc. In true “John Rosemond style,” let this friend know that if something like that happens, she has your full support to deal out whatever punishment she deems necessary (so long as sodomy & burying alive aren’t part of it, obviously). Make sure your child knows this, too, that you won’t be interceding on his behalf & thus enable his disobedience.

With that out of the way (and if this is already a done deal, good), now comes the sticky part.

By all means, express appreciation that she seems to care about your son’s welfare and perhaps feels some sort of responsibility, it’s just that he’s no longer her authority–or responsibility–once he (literally) hits the road. Explain to her what free-ranging is about, in terms of giving children a chance to grow and have the sort of childhood we have years ago, and how this really is a feasible–and wonderful–goal for both your child’s betterment as well as society as a whole, and most of all, how you passionately believe in that and really are firm–not ugly, not stuck-up, but firm–in your disposition that this is what you want done at every possible opportunity.

And that, as such, he not has your support with regards to walking home, but that this is explicitly what you want to have happen. Finally, since you are the parent, and since–at this point–he’s no longer under her care, your wishes should be respected even if they seem peculiar or even reckless to her.

Clarify, while you’re at it, if she is the type that demands her children stay inside & not play outside, then again, that’s her house and her rules (doesn’t sound like she does that, but you do want to clarify that you’re not trying to override how she manages her home & thus how, by extension, she’d manage your child while he’s her responsibility).

If she won’t comply?

Then you have to decide if this issue is important to shred up the arrangement altogether. It may be, I’m not going to say that “it’s not worth it” or “you should respect her opinion” because you shouldn’t respect her opinion in that realm (again, you should respect how she raises her kids even if you hideously disagree with it and should give her full authority to discipline your child while he is under her care).

It’s just that, at some point, you don’t want to burn bridges with someone just because they don’t see everything the way you do. At the same time, I am a strong believer that while I do appreciate & even respectfully welcome help & feedback from close friends & even well-meaning, non-judgmental/snotty strangers, I do not welcome out & out criticism and attempts at overriding or circumventing how I parent my children. If this is a “hostile” type of situation, I totally support your taking a stand and–yes–blowing the bridge up to tiny bits if you aren’t being respected as the parent in charge in this very specific scenario (while he’s walking home).

I hope that helps, please don’t sue me–or withdraw your marriage proposal (ha ha!)–if it doesn’t work out.

LRH

Well I don’t know if it’s called killing with kindness before telling it like it is–maybe that’s what it is. I just consider it acknowledging what you can in the positive before dropping the negative because, often-times, if you start out with the negative, you aren’t given an opportunity to bring up the points on which you’re NOT hostile, and the receiving party is left with an unbalanced view (that is, they don’t realize there are areas where you agree with them or aren’t being argumentive).

As for RTF–beats me. Maybe they do but they’re just not in agreement & looking to critique, I don’t know.

LRH

I was going to say the same thing as Christine on 10/28. I know you don’t want to involve your boy, but I think this is the best way to go: Pose the entire situation to your son and have him come up with multiple solutions to the situation. Having him pick the best solution will work his problem-solving skills, and you’ll know what he really wants out of the situation and how he feels about it. (You would, of course, have the final say and could give him additional ideas to his own.)

I would have gone ballistic on her about letting a stranger drive my son home no matter how far away we lived. First off, there’s new booster seat laws here and the driver could face harsh fines and the child be immediately apprehended if they are not in a booster seat. (yah, more fear mongering. a 9 year old in a booster seat… ugh!)

but really, a STRANGER taking my child? Isn’t that child abduction? Forcing your child into a stranger’s car?

Yah, I would have hit the roof and more. If she was that concerned, I could have walked halfway there and she could have met me, ffs, if she was that freaked out.

Go ballistic.

Maybe you just let her do things her way (it won’t hurt him) on the return from play when she’s in the “control tower”, but let him walk “TO” the house when you’re in the control tower. Not worth making a huge thing out of it

What’s your son want to do?

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