How to answer the people who think you’re nuts?

I remind people that it’s my job to raise ADULTS. The kids won’t be kids forever – and wouldn’t it be nice if they weren’t terrified of the entire world?

I tell people that I don’t just shove my kids out the door unarmed. I taught them their address, phone number, how to read a map (seriously) and each kid even has a Google Map of our neighbourhood in his backpack. They have a card with all sorts of information in there, too – home phone #, cell #s for me and Dad, work #s, address, emergency contacts, etc.

I go out with them on new adventures until they’re confident and competent. I adjust the freedoms according to their age, ability and comfort level.

And if one of the kids tells me that they’re scared (as opposed to nervous) I just don’t let them do it alone – whatever it is. THAT would be wrong. Letting them explore and learn about the world? Right. Definitely the right thing to do.

“How would you have felt if something DID happen to your [ten year old] son?”

I’d feel the same way a parent would feel if something happened to their 18 year old child, 25 year old child, or 40 year old child. But that doesn’t justify a parent controlling the behavior of their adult children. The responsibility and empowerment I’m giving my son today will make my son safer and more successful for the rest of his life.

Brad’s response there was sensational.

How about: The words ‘surveillance’ and ‘parenting’ are not to be confused!

If I do my parenting job well, then my kids will not need to be under my constant surveillance. If I parent well, then they will have skills to navigate the real world, and common sense, too!

They’ll never be able to exercise their own minds, their own judgment, if I am there 24/7 telling them what to do.

Snappy Answers to Dumb Questions:

Q: When did you start letting your 9 year-old son ride the subway alone?
A: After he got his first DWI.
Q: Aren’t you afraid when your kids don’t come home on time?
A: Nope, I make them take a time-reactive poison pill before they leave. They’re always early.
Q: Do you let your children play with guns?
A: Only in the pitch dark on the West Side Highway.
Q: How do you know if your child has misbehaved?
A: He fails his nightly polygraph test.
Q: When will you let your sons date?
A: When they qualify to vote…in Algiers
Q: What do you do when your kids don’t finish their vegetables?
A: I combine their nightly bath with waterboarding.

Finally

Q: Will you ever let your sons live with a woman without the benefit of marriage?
A: Only if it’s me.

“Q: When did you start letting your 9 year-old son ride the subway alone?
A: After he got his first DWI.”

Heh heh. 🙂 This reminds me of some of responses I’ve read for rude strangers who lecture you about breastfeeding if they see you buying formula, like “I tried it, but all the crack in my system made the baby nervous and irritable.” (My son was fed through a tube for the first four months of his life, so I was particularly sensitive about that issue.)

Because of his ongoing medical problems, I’m *always* walking a fine line between keeping him safe medically and feeling like a hysterical parent. I don’t need to add unlikely scenarios of stranger abduction to my list of things to worry about! So I think my answer, if anyone is ever rude enough to challenge me, will be something like this: “Compared to having to make the decision to have him flown several hundred miles to another city for major surgery at three weeks old, and then watching as he nearly died from an infection in his IV… letting him play in the front yard reeeeallllly doesn’t seem all that scary.”

That should make them uncomfortable enough to not bother me again… or bring out the good part of them that made them care enough about my child’s welfare to try to do something about what they see as my lax parenting.

I wish you’d said what you wanted to say. I don’t think it was hysterical at all, I think it was an entirely reasonable and honest response. Besides, staying calm will only take you so far… maybe people would believe you actually have your child’s best interests at heart if you get a little heated. On the other hand, screw ’em. If they don’t get it now, they probably never will.

As an adoptive mom, I get stupid comments alllll the time.

My favorite free range comment: “The way these two fight, a kidnapper would bring them back after 5 minutes…”

“Times have changed” is not an answer! Of course, times have changed, it’s what times do. Ask the people who tell you that times have changed to prove you that times have changed in a way that makes life on their own more dangerous for kids. (If they answer “terrorism”, they lose. “Terrorism” isn’t attacking kids on the way back from school.)

Ugh, I hate “times have changed” and “it’s not the same world we grew up in”.

Damn straight. It’s a *safer* world than the one I grew up in, than the world kids grew up in half a generation before me – and it’s just as safe as the world my mother grew up in. (Maybe safer. When she was my age, my mother turned down a dance with a man who turned out to be Son of Sam, and I’ve never had the chance to reject a serial killer yet.)

I feel that I am often referred to (behind my back, of course) as a lazy parent when in reality, I seem to be a free-range or natural consequences one. I’m so glad this blog is here! Maybe it’s because I have all boys that I’m not so paranoid, but good grief, even if there is a molester chester on the direct route home I figure if my children are walking home in a big group and act on what they’ve been taught about stranger danger they’re not going to get “got”.

Wow. It is sad that:

a – some of you folks are agonizing & angsting over letting your kids be kids

b – you are letting the opinions of others dictate your child rearing.

Get out of your kids way, relax, let them be kids and watch them grow & flourish. Get over yourselves.

I have explained my philosophy as ever increasing bands of freedom. My 3 year old has free reign in the house and back yard. He’s allowed to go to a certain expansion joint on the driveway. My seven year old can ride his scooter to a friend’s house 2 blocks away but not allowed to cross a main street to get to the park. When I was 7, I frequently rode my bike to the store (3/4 mile) to buy a treat or some small item. I wasn’t allowed to buy milk until I was older because it would have been too hard to carry home on my bike. Times haven’t changed. abductions are down. People have changed. Oh, and my kids wear helmets, ride in car seats, etc. My kids are more independant and capable in my humble opinion than many of their peers. They can also be more considerate and observant of their surroundings. I’ve never been particularly good at snappy comebacks, but I think it’s good to point out the utterly dangerous things that we did as kids.

My “kids” are now 18 and 19, and they were raised as hybrids 🙂 My husband and I divorced when they were very young and we disagreed strongly about how to raise them.

When the children were with me they were given small pieces of responsibility at a time and when they handled it well they were able to get the next bit. Once they figured out that responsibility lead to freedom they were right on board.

My son is now living at home part time while attending university, and I see a lot of him and his girlfriend. She is also 19 and was definitely not raised free range. When they are planning to go somewhere she is terrified of taking the bus or train on her own if she hasn’t used that route many times before. She’s not afraid of strangers, but of making a mistake, taking the wrong bus and ending up somewhere else. She is a lovely girl and I adore her, but I’m saddened every time they make plans to go somewhere new.

This is what confining our children during their growth period does. It leaves us with adults who are afraid of trying in case they make a mistake.

I’ve been raised ‘free-ranged’, I’m now 26 years old and I’m so happy my parents did everything they did and let me do all the things I have been able to do.

Thanks to them I’ve been traveling all over the world by myself since I was 17 years old, experiencing life to it’s fullest. And best of all, it has made me brave, I’m not scared of much (except dogs… for some odd reason 😛 ) and always willing to try new things.

Yes, some bad stuff has happened because of some choices I made when I was a teen, but I’m very proud to say that I’ve been able to overcome all the bad things by myself, with the guidance of my parents.

Please, everyone who is raising their kids like this, please keep doing it, I’m sure you’ll all raise wonderful, smart kids. Hopefully all the fearmongering will stop

OK so i have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. We live in a COUNTY not town a COUNTY that’s total population is ohhh about 18 thousand I’d say…..our town is about 3 thousand. Our county is ohhh about 40 miles by about 60 miles I’d say….give or take a litttle so Needless to say we’re pretty spaced out over here lol. What I dont get is this. Why are people so concerned about letting their kids play in the yard? I mean sheesh my 3 year old roams our 5 acres like she owns it lol. She goes down by the creek GASP! she gets IN THE CREEK ! Bigger GASP! she pets “strange dogs” lol and she walks alone between my home and my inlaws which is on the back half of the 5 acres….which means a WHOLE 200 yards away! thats like GASP! 600 FEET! lol. People are so NUTS. I mean I wouldnt take her to walmart and leave her or anything I mean obviously she’d be scared and yes there is always that potential threat. But what is WRONG with letting her have enough freedom to play outside, play in the creek, pet dogs, talk to neighbors, walk to my inlaws, walk to my neighbors house (2 MORE acres over lol). I mean she’s 3 and she’s done this since ohhhh I dono she could walk and so has my 5 year old. I just dont understand ppl who think they have to sit on the porch while their kids play in their own yard, ESPECIALLY here. I mean sure there is always a threat…but geeze if they’re gonna get snatched outta your yard, they could just as easily get snatched out of your arms right?

Denial and projection of fears run very very deep. Facts don’t even crack the surface I’ve found. Responding to this kind of stuff, when you have to do it, is really tough. I think the starting place is to switch it back to the questioner’s own feelings. “So you’re frightened that something might happen?” and then delve deeper into why and exactly where the fear comes from. But ultimately, many times, there seems to be a need to believe other ways can’t work because if they do it is a huge worldview threat.

I find, these days, people don’t mind their own business… all hail freerange children 😀

How would you feel if despite all your coddling and paranoia, something happens to YOUR child? 90 percent or so of non-auto accidents happen at home . So he’s safer elsewhere!

People need to get real. Every time someone justifies helicopter parenting their kids by harping on sexual predators I want to ask if they’ve vetted their boyfriends and male relatives, because the VAST, VAST majority of abusers are heterosexual men their victims already know.

My sons are 5, 7 and 9. We live in Haarlem in the Netherlands and they do pretty much what they want, though 5 and 7 are not allowed to cross the fastish parked up road two streets away on their own.

The scariest stuff that has happened to them was in the home: the two eldest went mountain climing out of a roof window (we suppressed that fiercely) and middle one almost set fire to his bedroom by knocking over a halogen desklamp onto a pillow.

Heaven bless flame retardant pillows and smoke alarms.

Unsnappy comeback
“socialogical and historical research shows conclusively that the “it was safer/better when I was a kid (e.g. more than 20 years ago)” belief has been reported since records began. If it were true we would truly be in the pits now…

“So freerange families need to band together, so that kids can find other walkers/bikers/commuters. ”

This is the smartest thing I’ve read here. A child alone is in more danger than in a group. But it’s hard to find other kids out there in the world. Someone above said “If there are more kids out on the streets alone, there are more opportunities for kidnappers to abduct them.” but what they don’t get is that more kids on the streets means they WON’T BE ALONE.

What ways can we connect people in the same area? Meetups?

We’ll be looking for a house in a year and what I wouldn’t give for a list of neighborhoods with lower traffic and kids out playing.

I was raised “free range” by parents whose only rules were that I would have to live by the consequences of my actions. They did not ask (when I was a teenager) where I was going or who I’d be with; they just always said “Have a good night and be safe” and I was, because it was very clear at a young age that if I got pregnant, I’d have to pay for my own abortion or keep the baby on my own or find my own adoptive parents to take the child; if I got a DWI or was involved in a drunk driving accident, I’d better have the funds with me to bail my own ass out of jail; if I got caught smoking pot, they weren’t going to give me the money to make up for the funds the US government would now deny me.

Etc.

It was the way I was always raised. When I did something wrong, it wasn’t “that was bad!” but “why did you do that?” to see if there was some logical reason and to try to teach me to learn from my actions.

I also played in my front yard and sometimes *gasp* even the street when my friends and I played soccer! The horror of having to move our nets when the cars slowly drove down the block.

I’m 27 now. I’ve never been pregnant, never driven while intoxicated, never done drugs. I’ve never been kidnapped, hit by a car, murdered (obviously!) or otherwise victimized. I know that danger is in the real world, but I also know self defense including how to take a weapon off someone and how to use a gun. (My parents are also a bit conservative and took me to a gun club when I was 8 to learn marksmanship, which I loved. They felt, as they kept a gun in the house, I should know what a gun was, that it was *not* a toy, and how to handle one should I ever need to. I never have.)

I have self-confidence. It probably sounds conceited, but I am also not self-absorbed the way some college students are today — I know I have limitations. I’ve gotten low marks on tests and even failed one subject for one marking period in high school because I didn’t do my homework. I learned my lesson pretty quickly too, by the way! I’ve also racked up massive debt because I got a credit card at 18 that I’m still repaying today and I have a less than stellar credit rating thanks to that. But, I’m happy. I learned my lessons through my own mistakes, and I feel so much more like I can take on the world because I’ve always bailed myself out of my own messes.

Oh, and I do know that if I was ever in over my head, my parents would honestly help me out. I’ve just never been silly enough to let any situation get that bad!

I want my children to be raised free range, not as veal. Love it, Skip!

One of my sons died in utero from a rare umbilical-cord accident. My heart was broken and I learned that all the worrying and safety-obsessing in the world won’t stop plain bad luck. I want my living children to savor life now, because it’s a gift. I’ve only had to say this once, to a relative who lambasted me for letting my children play in our fenced backyard, but I haven’t heard a peep from her on the subject since.

Thanks for this site, Lenore.

I was raised free-range (I’m 39 now) and I want my son to be able to experience a lot of that freedom. What concerns me is not the dangers of the world, it is the fact that there are so few other kids out in it.

I wrote an article on Playborhood.com a few months ago entitled, Is Driving Your Kids Around Safer Than Letting Them Roam Outside on Their Own? .

The answer, in terms of mortality statistics, is an emphatic “NO.” Kids are roughly three times more likely to die as passengers in an automobile accident than the sum of three roaming causes of death: death as victim of an abductor, death as pedestrian, and death as bicyclist.

Sure, if more kids roamed, its possible that more would die (it’s also possible that fewer die due to “strength in numbers”), but three to one is a pretty wide margin.

I’ve shared these numbers with a few people who were first amazed, then enraged, then defiant. I do believe that American people aren’t dumb when presented with facts.

btw: answering the people who think you’re nuts often times sounds like sarcasm and is tons of fun and can actually be a really good answer 🙂

A W E S O M E. Not only do we have free range kids, but free range chickens for the kids to mind after!

OOPS! They don’t want to hear my logic.

How about replying, “How would you feel if you were in a car accident going the same route as my son, knowing you could have sent your child on public transportation?”
I think the biggest problem we(parents who advocate more independence in their children) are the parents who don’t. When they see my kids “unsupervised” they feel like they have to step in and compensate for my lack of parenting. Sometimes I just have to say, that “No, they need to learn to do it themselves.” Or “He needs to learn”. It’s just annoying that they look at you in way that says “How could you?”

This has been coming up for me quite a bit because my kids are playing outside a lot these days.
When neighbors ‘inform’ me that the two and the four year old are outside, I try to stay calm, say ‘thank you, they are CHILDREN, so I am letting them play OUTSIDE and I can see them from the window, but again THANK YOU.”
I’ve also taught the boys to wave and say “thank you for your concern” with a kind of porky pig rattle to their voices. They love doing it- especially the 2 y.o. who will say it 30 times and chuckle to himself for hours…
Kick those kids out of the house!!

My answer? “Freedom is better than safety.”

There is no snappy answer. I have three grown, relatively “free range” kids, two of whom had the unfortunate burden of growing up in suburbia. Nevertheless, I was able to train them to be independent. Training for the first began at age 4, when he wanted more french fries at McD’s. I gave him money and sent him to the counter. By 15 my daughter spent the year in school in Europe. Not only did she fly there alone, but she negotiated crises with her host family and language problems at school. By the time she came home she had nothing but contempt for her symbiotic American peers. My youngest was raised in a big city, where I never had to drive him anywhere. As a result, he was independent from age 10.

Just ignore the idiots who think that helicopter parenting will allow their kids to develop. Those parents will never understand. I’m not sure how America changed from a country of adventurers to a place of frightened ninnies, but it surely has happened.

There’s a movie coming out soon called Two Million Minutes (www.2mminutes.com/) that I think shows the end result of this. Check out the YouTube trailers. (Since my older two graduated from the U.S. high school shown in the film, I know it’s not an exaggeration.) If kids are not taught independence, how can they possibly think globally? If they don’t, what will happen to America? You may be in the minority, but you are most definitely right in creating free-range children.

A: You’re funny. You remind me of Marlin (Nemo’s dad.) “I promise I will never let anything happen to you.”

My theory is that every kid needs a second mother. We moms are too close to our kids to objectively see what they really need. T

Ask why they let their kids get into a car, even though they’d feel awful if their kids were in a car crash …

From a media-training perspective, Violet is on the right track. Your job is to talk about your message, not to answer their questions. It’s a hard thing to remember, because in our personal lives we’re taught to listen and respond, but this is not true when you’re on air. The right answer to any question is repeating your message :

“How would you feel if something happened to your kid?”

“America is a better country for the brave, creative, innovative kids who grew up to do great things. Those are the adults I’m raising.”

Throw in a couple of stories about Einstein if you want, bit don’t repeat what they say and say only what you want people to hear. It’s your precious airtime — don’t give it away to your opponents.

“When they are planning to go somewhere she is terrified of taking the bus or train on her own if she hasn’t used that route many times before. She’s not afraid of strangers, but of making a mistake, taking the wrong bus and ending up somewhere else. She is a lovely girl and I adore her, but I’m saddened every time they make plans to go somewhere new. ”

This doesn’t necessarily have to do with being raised free-range or not, I think. My sister and I were both allowed to wander the neighborhood, nearby cornfields, rivers, strees, playgrounds, etc at will, and we were allowed to ride our bikes anywhere we could get to. We did not have cellphones (they weren’t popular yet). We were very independant.

BUT. We are both very very shy–my sister more so than I am. In spite of our long summer days spent entirely out of the house with no adult supervision, we are still nervous about new experiences and are afraid of just about everything. We don’t like driving places that we haven’t been, and we don’t like calling people on the phone. We _do_ the things, because we know we have to (this weekend I’m driving 7 hours to a new state, by myself), but we’re still afraid.

Possibly that’s the legacy of being raised free-range. We do the things because we know we have to, even though we’re still afraid. We know that no one else will do them for us.

Skyscraper’s comments rule!!!

This is too good to be true. Finally some wrath upon the politically correct finger pointers.

The sensational parroting going on in the news media, especially in print media, I believe is due to the competitive environment and not much else.

Amber’s comments on extreme sports rules!!! I’ve held that opinion for several years now. If we don’t let kids grow up, they will find a way even if it means searching out crazy sports and extreme fear.

As a single mom, I get a lot of people who make comments about what I allow my children to do. It’s funny that they are in awe of the fact that my 10 year old knows how to do laundry and make a simple meal, and my 8 year old isn’t far behind, and think that is wonderful parenting. Alternately, the fact that they can go to the library on their own, less than a half a mile from the house, makes them think that I don’t care about my children’s safety. What they don’t understand is that they have been taught safety rules and are extremely responsible for their ages. They think only of the times when they do something on their own, not of the multitude of times that we are home as a family doing things together and talking about situations they may come across. They know what to do in most situation that they may come across. They will be better employees once they can get a job because they have learned to do what they are supposed to even when not under constant direct supervision. They have well developed self esteem stemming from the fact that they do have some independence. These people do not understand that I am, as others have said, preparing my children to be able to function well as adults. Because of my way of parenting, I am confident that if I died today, I have taught them enough that they are as far as they can be at their ages to being self sufficient.

As an aside, do you really think that the world today is that different? Keep in mind the advances in communication via the media as to the “bad things that can happen,” and how people are generally more open to airing dirty laundry now as opposed to keeping the negative in secret. Sure, there may have been increases, but that only means that the teaching we are doing is that much more important.

Interesting discussion. I was talking to a high school friend from way back saying how youth sports is totally micro-managed by parents and kids today don’t play pickup basketball or sandlot baseball at the park anymore — that’s how you learn the game, by the way, not by youth coaches.

My friend’s reply: “Kids can’t go to the park by themselves anymore.”

I said, “Really?” (I don’t have kids) I couldn’t believe it and he lives in a rather tame mid-sized city under 200,000 people. He said no way, kids cannot go to the park by themselves, even high school kids. I was too stunned to reply.

When I was 3, my parents would often put me on a city bus to grandmas house.
The bus stopped right in front of our house and an hour later, the same bus stopped at the end of grandma’s street. They had me sit in the front seat, and told the driver which stop I was getting off at. They had everything in a note pinned to my shirt and grandma was always waiting for me. No bus driver ever refused. I never thought anything of it, but to this day everyone thinks we were nuts. Maybe thats where my libertarian streak comes from.

I am a 44 year old mother of a 9 year old boy… I remember “back in the day” when we ran free all day during summer vacation and played with our friends in the park or around the neighborhood from morning until dinner time…. those were some glorious days, the 1970’s and 80’s… I do remember having some close calls with a stranger pulling up in a car asking for directions or the creepy guy that stared too long while I was at the shopping mall with my friends… I believe I got lucky, that a higher power must have been looking out for me those times… but times have changed a lot, too much really and in todays’ society, I would never allow my son to go unescorted on public transit in a big city… to me, that would be sending my son into the arms or a number of disasters waiting to happen… I believe you dodged a bullet this time, my friend… I am not a religious woman per se, but I do believe in God… and your child was looked after by the Grace of God that he returned safely to you this time… Please don’t tempt fate, use a bit of common sense… as a mother, I can’t even imagine the feeling of devastation if something were to happen to my precious child… please think about this loss long and hard before you let you child take off alone like that. Peace and take care.

You can’t see, but I am standing up in my chair and clapping fiercely. I hope to see your message multiplied over and over again.
Very well said.

We just tell people we refuse to live in fear, especially fake fears foisted upon us by society.

Use their own paranoia against them:

“Suppose both you and I were both on one of the planes to hit the WTC. Whose kids do you think will be better able to fend for themselves in this ”big bad” world?”

The best gift my parents ever gave to me was the summers spent at the cottage by the lake. We kids ruled the woods, playing and exploring. Do you think I’m afraid of wildlife today? They’re afraid of _me_! Because I know in truth they are. Bears run away when you yell at them, even lynxes. I tried Scout camp once, but my parents took me back to the cottage after a week because I couldn’t take the confinement. They had so many rules, whereas I was so free at the cottage. As an adult I have always been fully confident that I could survive in the wilderness if I had to. I’ve trekked all over the wooded hills behind our cottage (I’m talking Canada, here, in a part that’s on the edge of the true wilderness) and even let myself get lost on purpose just for the fun of it, though to tell the truth I can’t really get lost because of the built-in compass I developed as a child. We kids had it good up there. (And yes, back in the city, I walked or biked to school, and when older explored the city by myself by bus and metro.)

Another plus at the cottage was no road, no electricity (no TV!). We played board games, which taught me about life’s rules. And we read, of course.

Did you see this article?

<a href=”http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008/may/20/rare.events” link

Cory Doctorow makes your point, with math! And he expands it beyond just children to include security in general.

To reply to the previous comment: I would not say that the kids you are speaking of are truly Free range kids. I have seen children in my neighborhood that are well mannered and treat others with respect, I have also seen children that are rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they act that way because they are allowed to roam. Just like when we were kids, there were always kids that were mean and disrespectful, the kids that broke things and hurt other kids. If they are coming into your yard, you do have the right to shoo them out, then call their parents and report the behavior. I have done that on many occasions here. My house sits behind a giant field. We have kids out there all the time. Some are good, some not so good, but as an adult and a parent, if I see behavior like that, I have no problem letting the not so good ones know that I don’t tolerate it.

Constant supervision doesn’t make a good kid. Learning good values and respect from your parents does.
On another note, I have a friend who has her son on constant supervision: he has a cell phone, she has blocked the internet, he is not allowed to answer the door etc etc. He is 15 now and my son’s best friend. Her son has such a deep need for independence and freedom that he is starting to rebel against her technical chains. The more she tightens, the more he rebels. I think those are the kids that end up running away or getting into trouble: they so long for a taste of freedom that they resent the safety measures the parents take to protect them.

Before today (tuned into the web site on the advice of a friend) I never knew I was raising ‘free range kids’. I just thought I had often-criticized hands off parenting style. I also haven’t been particularly interested in defending my parenting choices. However, I do have a standard answer that I use, though not very snappy. Ironically it doubles as my answer to why my children are so well behaved in almost any circumstance. “Kids need to play in the mud.” This tidbit is usually met with blank stares as the situation rarely involves actual mud anymore. Sometimes I try to explain that I mean this both literally and figuratively. Sometimes I just take advantage of the silence and walk away.

Children do need to play in the mud and the snow and the sunshine. They need to catch bugs and save them, or squish them, or eat them. Yes, it has happened. They ate some snow and dirt too. No one died or even got sick. Kids need to experience the world around them with all their senses. That’s how they learn.

My kids talk to strangers, as do I. How else would we meet friends? They skin their knees, bonk their heads, get their feelings hurt, and fight their own battles. They tend to find their own way. If not, help, guidance, and a band-aid are only a request away. I hope they make mistakes while they are young enough to have small ones. It’s all just playing in the mud, learning.

I read about your web site today in teh Virginian-Pilot. I love what you’re doing here. I’m the parent of two grown daughters, well, grown is subjective I’m sure, 22 and 18 is what they are. I think you have it right though. Kids do need their independence. They do need the opportunity to figure some things out for themselves.

I have been known in the past to use the old parent line…I guess she won’t try that again! But, my typical response to anyone that’s ever questioned how I raise my kids has been for them to pretty much mind their own darned business. I usually don’t put it quite so politely.

Keep up the good work and may your “movement” grow exponentially! I think some of the same parents that won’t let their children out of their sights are the same ones that WILL let them through a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket while they watch in disbelief.

When I was 13 or so I on my own figured out the county’s bus system and could get myself around town during the summer. I would go to downtown Tampa, the mall, I even went to the airport to watch planes come and go.

My son is 12 and my wife refused to let him go with friends to the mall unless I was at the mall with him. A friend of his who is also 12 cannot see a movie unless an adult with him in the same theater.

I wish I could convince people that I’m not the one who is nuts. When I was a kid, according to FBI statistics, I had THREE TIMES the chance of being abducted as a child does today and back then we didn’t have cell phone, AMBER alerts, and awareness of missing children. But it seems no one wants to deal with facts any longer.

The problem here isn’t just that parents overestimate the risk that their kids will be abducted, they assume that it will happen in the times and places where it’s actually least likely to happen. Places like malls, crowded schoolyards, and the like are actually the safest places for kids (Adam Walsh being abducted in a mall was a fluke; I think that was the only time it ever happened). Most kids who get abducted are teenage girls, not little boys. So the risk that a kid who’s not a teenage girl and doesn’t have wealthy or powerful parents who could have ransom demanded of them is actually far lower than the already low risk demonstrated by the statistics.

BTW, a big part of the risk for teenage girls is hanging out with guys several years older than them, so much of it is easily preventable.

I a mother to a 6 yr old and a 1 yr old. I am not so much worried about strangers and abductions, but CARS.

Even after constant reminders, my 6 yr old still doesn’t look both ways before crossing any street. He never remembers to check for cars, period. This holds him back from being able to go to the park or even ride his bike around the block (cars pulling out of driveways are also a problem).

It is hard to want to play outside in the neighborhood when there are NO other kids to play with. All other kids are sequestered in their back yards or indoors all the time.

We are going to work on bike safety this summer and also I will try to let him play in the front yard without being under my surveillance!

“As a teacher, I taught my primary students how to teach themselves. Often it was far easier to just do things myself but I never did that. ”

Hammer meet Mr. Nail, square on the head

May I suggest that the hellicoptor parents are the lazy parents?

It’s far easier for them to just do things for their children than it would be for them to teach their children how to do things for themselves.

You can spend hours and hours teaching your child how to handle himself in a public place on his own, undestand how to get to where he’s going, understand how the system works, etc so he is capable and safe while taking public transportation on his own.

Or you can just stick him in the car and drive him. It’s quick, easy, takes like a minute, and there’s no need to fuss with all that pesky knowledge work.

I think Beth hit an important point – it is easier to do everything for your children than to help them learn and grow through their own experiences. I am clearly seeing this after becoming a single mom one year ago. My sons, now ages 10 and 5, were aghast at my expectations that they clear their own plates, put away their clean laundry, and pick up their toys. Dad always does these things for them, and I think it’s because it’s easier to just do it than deal with the complaining. But now they don’t complain, and are learning to take some responsibility for themselves, albeit on a smaller scale than I’d like…for now. Unfortunately, my older son does not want to do free-range things such as riding his bike around the neighborhood alone, so I’m having to nudge him a bit.

I ask them if they make their kids wear rubber boots all the time, because of the danger of getting struck by lightning. ‘No? And you don’t even have a lightning conductor on your house? But you’d never forgive yourself if they got struck by lightning!’

My answer to ALL arguments I don’t care to engage in, either because I know I’m right or because the person posing the question is not worth my time:

Them: “Don’t you think it’s dangerous to let your son blah blah blah (fill in the blank with the myriad of things that I do just to annoy the Bubble Wrap Moms.)

ME answer one: okay

ME answer two: so

It is impossible to argue with either one. Really if they think I’m nuts, fabulous!!! I must be doing the right think as a parent because their kids are helpless and can’t even color without consulting the lines.

I grew up in a matriarchal family where the only way to be was free range. As a kid my brother and I spent most of our childhood running around in the desert near our house. The Mojave Desert to be exact, home to horny toads, tortoises, brown recluse, sidewinders and rattle snakes. We walked through that desert on our way to school starting in 1st grade. In fact there have been several times when sidewinders have slithered into the school where my mom is a principal. Guess who panicked and screamed? The bubble wrap kid. The free range kids filed out of the room in an orderly fashion. There is no sidewinder drill in school, the teacher just said, “Stand up quietly and walk out the back door, NOW.”

I would really like to conduct a study on how many of the kids who are hurt, kidnapped or grow up to be lazy, “the world owes me” bums are bubble wrap kids. Think about it… Which kid is going to remain calm and remember all the “stranger danger” techniques you have taught them: the kid who has never been allowed to stand in their front yard or the kid who is allowed to maneuver the self checkout at the grocery store alone, produce included, ALONE.

My Free Range parenting was put to the test when I picked up my 9 year old from Denver International Airport. He had attended Space Camp in Alabama and had flown home, layover and flight change included, ALONE. We reached the concourse and he walked on. A woman ran in front of me as the doors closed. HE was ON the train I was standing on the PLATFORM. At this point I saw two options 1) panic and run up to the terminals in search of a security guard who would do I don’t know what since their are NO security guards on the tram at the same time possible missing the next train or him if he came back on another train OR 2) wait for the next train and pray that the lady who mouthed “Is he yours???” would ensure he was not stolen. I waited for the next train, calmly walked on suppressing my desire to scream, cry and let everyone know my only pumpkin pie was LOST somewhere in DIA!!

The train pulled up to the next stop and there was my little peanut, standing calmly on the platform just like he was waiting for an ice cream in front of our house. I reached through the crowd, grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me as the other passengers gasped audible. “How did you know what to do?” I asked. “Well,” he said in that “of course I know I’m Smart” tone of voice, “I knew you would get on the next train so I just waited her for you to come along.”

I am also a teacher. You would not believe how many kids have a huge case of learned helplessness. So much so that they have a melt down if their pencil breaks, they don’t have a paper or are not sure of the directions. They are incapable of solving their own problems or even functioning in the classroom let alone the real world.

I guess I could answer the question with the following “I refuse to raise a child incapable of functioning successfully in everyday society” but really I get more pleasure out of “so.” Besides it annoys those bubble wrap moms more to know I DON’T CARE about their opinions and refuse to let them control my parenting style.

I grew up in post-war Asia (Japan and Taiwan) under constant threat of air raids and/or shelling from Mainland China. Amidst all this, however, I was pretty much free range kid–I hiked alone in the hills above Taipei at the age of 12, rode pedicabs and buses all over the city (I didn’t speak Chinese, either–only the baby Japanese I had learned at age 5). Growing up in the US in the 60s wasn’t a whole lot “safer” (anybody remember the Cuban Missile Crisis?)–so I do not understand how today’s helicopter parents get off claiming that this is a more dangerous world. It’s just differently dangerous. And if we don’t equip our kids to survive in it, we’re not doing them any favors at all.

This isn’t the perfect snarky answer for you, but it’s a good attitude to carry around: when my students claim that they absolutely cannot live without having their cell phones on, I point out to them that I raised two children safely to adulthood without ever having owned a mobile phone. Their typical response is “yeah, but it was different in the olden days.” “Yes,” I reply. “We lived in perpetual fear of nuclear attack. And cell phones wouldn’t have done us a bit of good in that situation, either.” Fortunately, I usually get away before they come up with a snappy reply.

Well, here’s a question for you, although I don’t know if a snappy answer will suffice. Why is it so terribly bad that Miley “I Didn’t Mean To Pose That Way” Cyrus is seen in Vanity Fair w/a sheet clutched to her chest, back to camera – why is This so awful? After all, Miley wears revealing and suggestive outfits on her show, doesn’t she? So, what is an “art photo” so much different than the image she projects on her show? I ask because you are very attuned to hypocrisy. I admire this, but I wonder, then, why your ire over Miley’s photo seemed was so deep. I mean, really, who cares? Why does it matter? Can’t a 15 year old have some sense of the sensual without being cheap, tawdry and bad? If That’s the problem, then Disney is just as much at fault for Hannah Montana’s outfits and image (and Also, come to think of it, for that suggestive little clam-shell bra thing that Arielle wears).

“Benign Neglect”

That’s how I refer to my style of parenting when I get those quizzical looks, or when people ask where my kids are.

If they’re interested in hearing what I mean by that, I explain that it means putting kids in a safe environment, teaching them the skills to navigate it, and then LETTING them exist in it without monitoring their every movement.

This is a strategy that works well because it puts the accusers on their heals, leaving them either mystified or wondering about whether their own parenting style might be too domineering.

Emma Goldman, in her autobiography, told a story about being at a meeting late at night. She was going to leave and a fellow asked if she needed someone to walk her home. She said, “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt anybody.”

I loved that answer and think it could be reworked to fit this situation.

Q. Aren’t you worried about letting your child out on the streets alone?

A. Don’t worry. S/He’s a good kid. S/He won’t hurt anybody.

When my daughter was 4, I broke my ankle on the back stairs, with nobody else around and no phone handy. So I told her to go out along the sidewalk, find a grownup, and tell them mommy needs an ambulance. Which she did. The woman who she brought to my rescue, after the ambulance had been called, started to lecture her on stranger danger, starting off with “You were very lucky …” I cut her off before she got too far into it.

It’s a very skewed view of the world. What are the odds that the first adult she found would be the particular sort of criminal who’d hurt her? What are the odds that the first person she found would follow her home and call an ambulance? I’m entirely certain that the vast majority of people — even the vast majority of not very nice people — would do the right thing when confronted with a small child seeking help for her injured mom.

You asked for snappy come backs. I agree with many here but, honestly, I don’t want to start a conversation at a time like that. I just want to stand my ground while living and let live. Here are some that I would hope, with a little laugh, would stop all comments but let us go on with life.

“How would you have felt if something DID happen to your son?”
a reply:
Oh, quit fixating on death and loss so much that you miss living life. BTW, was that your kid just faceplanting?

Regarding “times have changed”:
a reply:
Maybe true, but it’s up to me to change ’em back.