HELP NEEDED: How to Calm a Parent Who Fears Danger AND Blame?

I wonder if building a support network could help. For instance what if everyone who has had these fears took 5 minutes to write a letter of support to a partent in this situation. Or a lawmaker or someone.

Just a thought.

For me its reminding myself how much they WILL lose if I don’t give them the opportunities to explore and grow.

There is only so much you can control. You can’t control the weather, you can’t plan for acts of G-d, and you can’t control strangers.

Of course you want to be a good parent. That’s why you worry. That’s why you want to do everything you possibly can. Even if you’re a perfect parent, something can go wrong. And when it does, there’s nothing you can do about it. But because there’s nothing you can do about it, worrying about ‘what ifs’ isn’t going to help anything.

All you can do is be smart. Teach your kids to be savvy about what’s safe and what isn’t. Let them have their freedom, but be the one to help them make smart choices. The more they have their internal watchdogs trained, the less you have to be that watchdog.

Please forgive my typos– I one-thumbed that whole missive from my phone! Haha.

Sometimes I feel at a loss about how to do free-range. My son is four months and after I heard about this blog and learned what it was about, I started reading it hoping for ways to raise a free-range kid.

The blog more often than not posts things that frustrate me and increase my worries that by the time my son can walk to school he won’t be allowed to do so.

Personally, I’d like to see more posts/discussion on how to do free-range right, instead of post after post of cops picking up kids, parents getting in trouble for [whatever] and crazy new laws. Those things are important, but I feel like they’ve been the majority lately.

I want hope that things can change – not confirmation that the scare tactics are working.

I try to reason, “If something catastrophic were to happen, what was I doing at that time?” Let’s see. If I’m in the bathroom using the toilet while the toddler… hmm…. colors all over herself with markers that she could reach because one of her siblings (the 3.5 year old?) didn’t push their chair in, who’s going to tell me I was wrong? Am I allowed to use the toilet alone, for Heaven’s sake?
If said toddler falls from the table while I was in the basement moving laundry from the washer to the dryer or getting bread from the freezer, is that reasonable? Should I have taken the toddler with me and been unable to bring the laundry basket upstairs? Made the kids wait for lunch? Put the toddler in her crib every time I need to take my eyes off her?
And also, like Chris said above, I remember how old I was when I did things like take a couple mile bike ride with a friend to the municipal pool. Or walk home from school by myself. Or Heaven forbid, hang out at the mall for a Saturday afternoon.

My stock response to people who tried to guilt trip me into hovering more/not sending my child on the bus/letting her stay home alone was something like this: “Sure, there’s a very small chance that she could get hurt, or even killed, in a moment I’m not watching. But if I DON’T let her take some risks, there’s pretty much a 100% chance she’ll grow up neurotically afraid of the world around her, or worse, lacking any instincts that might raise her hackles in the rare instance she DOES meet a walking threat to humanity. I have to swallow hard and accept this minuscule risk, in order to raise a functioning adult. ” I also often point out that if she makes mistakes while she lives at home, I can pick up on them quicker, and help her out in a pinch, or tell her not to do THAT anymore.

These days, I hear a lot less about blame – she’s 16, and all but the most conservative parents I know are letting their kids off the leash now. I got her through mostly unscathed. I dealt with one ER physician who thought I shouldn’t be letting her try to swing herself upside down on the trapeze on her swingset (she was 10 – had tried it from a running start, and ended up with a concussion). Despite the fact she’d been unsupervised at the time, CPS wasn’t called, I just had to listen to a lecture. Immediately thereafter, as we were walking out of the ER, I got this gem from my daughter “I’m not going to quit swinging upside down on my trapeze just because some doctor says so…that’s CRAZY!” I agreed as we walked out, and life was fine. A very few, very unlucky people have to deal with someone blaming them for their child’s misfortune. A few very vocal people make their lives miserable. Most of us escape our children’s childhood’s unscathed, and worrying about being blamed for something that’s probably not going to happen is as pointless as worrying excessively about it happening in the first place. If the risk of one is acceptably small, so is the other.

I am not over it yet myself. However, some ideas come to mind:

1) When you were a child, did you do X and come out OK?

1a) If you have memories that aren’t all good from your free childhood, can you think of other ways (besides sheltering) to reduce your kid’s risks?

2) Make a list of awesome things that kids have done when / because parents were NOT watching. Review it periodically to keep it at the front of your mind when you let your kid go.

3) Remember the risks of letting your kids stay inside all the time. Getting blind and fat, thinking TV is real, killing their siblings . . ..

4) You are making your neighborhood a safer place for the neighbor kids by having your kids play outside (and vice versa). Also, your neighbors will recognize your kids and are more likely to notice and step in if they see something fishy going on.

5) Find out the laws about child supervision in your area. Chances are there is no 24-hour leash law for kids.

6) Talk to your kid about street smarts and what to say if someone approaches them – whether it’s to “help” them or otherwise. If the kid comes across as being very competent in the mission he’s on, chances are the “helpful” adult will buzz off.

7) What do you want your child to be able to accomplish independently when he’s 18? He’s __% of the way to 18. Is he on track?

8) What I say to my kids: what other people and their kids do is not my business. What my kids do is my business and I’m the boss of that. Period.

I wonder if the catastrophic thinking that seems so prevalent might be, at least in part, because our lives are so comparatively safe these days. That is to say, when life was less safe, people saw tragedy around them regularly and gained some experience with it. Now, though, we might have less of that, and, like a 2-year-old whose crayon broke, we simply don’t have the tools to deal with it, and so we fear it irrationally.

I’m not trying to suggest that we should glorify the days when death and major injury were comparatively common, but that we should realize that our own fear might be rooted in own own ignorance and inexperience.

Maybe I missed it but your biggest fear of blame should be “criminal negligence”. Trust me, there’s a prosecutor out there just waiting to pin that on you.

It was a sunny day today. It was a sunny day yesterday, There were several sunny days last week. Can I convince my nearly 9 year old son to go outside and play? To go ride on his bike? To explore?

Nope. He’s too scared. He wants his own celphone. At first I thought it was for emergencies, then he admitted to wanting to call his friends, and play games and and and… So, I said no to the celphone. He still won’t go out and play.

Why? Because of being bullied in the past. Because of the stuff they tell him in school. Because he has no buddy to play with. Because because because.

When I was 8 and 9, I spent all day outside during the summer. All day and several hours after supper before I had to come in. I wish there was a way for me to convince him to run and play, but there isn’t.

And if I can’t convince him to do it, how are my two girls who are younger than him supposed to follow?

It is a bad situation. Kids no longer able to roam. To explore. To learn. To be kids. Yet, if we let them and *something* happens, we’re at fault for not being too careful. Kids can’t go and buy stuff at the store because “they might steal.” (oh noes!) They can’t do the stuff we used to take for granted. Two years ago, I was given a dressing down by a “child safety expert” for giving my son some money and telling him if he wanted cotton candy to go get it himself. I was told that he could get lost, hurt, taken by someone… the list was endless, and how careless and what a bad mother I was for not taking him there.

I batted my eyes and replied “this is a completely fenced in fair, surrounded on all sides by an 8 foot high fence for that matter, we live two blocks away, and the entire distance that the fair covers is less than a full square block. I seriously doubt something will happen. Besides, he has to learn to do it himself.”

She stood there, looking at me like I was an idiot and my son came bouncing back with a sugar coated grin. When one of my daughters disappeared an hour later, she wasn’t hard to find – she had taken off to the swing set/play area. Nothing happened with either child.

Small victories. I just wish the doomsayers would lay off and let kids explore.

At the end of the day, as long as your child is reasonably sensible, there’s not much that could happen to him alone that couldn’t happen with you looking on. When they’re with you they aren’t actually chained to you, you wouldn’t be directly underneath the monkey bars to catch them if they fell (would you?).
I know that the fear of blame thing is very strong, probably mainly because the visible part of free-range parenting can look deceptively like the visible part of neglective or lax parenting. But should tragedy strike (as Lenore points out time and again, this is a one in a mililon chance, but as opposers point out, for that ‘one’, it’s 100% happened) being to blame is either having caused whatever happened, or not having taken enough precautions to prevent it. After that it’s all a matter of what precautions. Bringing up a sensible child, able to fend for himself, cope with minor mishaps alone and recognise suitable sources of help for larger problems is one heck of a precaution. Other precautions would include perhaps practicing with a parent the route they are to walk alone, knowing their home number and a relevant cellphone number, how to cross the road safely, etc.
The kind of dangers we are afraid of are akin to someone else running into our car (not us running into someone else’s, that’s parallel to a fear that you would accidentally PUSH your child off the monkey bars). You can’t control that either, you just take the appropriate precautions – wearing seatbelts, indicating when changing lanes, keeping brakelights in working order – and if it happens, you know you are not to blame (in fact, if someone were to imply that you were, you still wouldn’t doubt yourself for a moment). It takes some work to get used to the idea, but this is the same.

Good luck

Yesterday I was waiting on help for a flat tire. My almost 2yr old was halfway up the block looking in the window of our downstairs neighbor saying ‘fan’ repeatedly as I agreed with him and asked him questions about it and generally tried to get him to come to me. I was waiting by my car when my help arrived so I moved out of the way towards my son. I saw a police car pull up and immediately got nervous. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but why was she stopping next to my son? I reached him as the officer got out of her car and asked if he was mine. I said yes, his name is Jamie. She said, ‘Why is he out here alone?’ I was stunned! Really? I answered, ‘He’s not, I’m right here.’ She pointed to the car of my friend that had just arrived to help and said, ‘Didn’t you just pull in?’ I assured her that, no, I’d been here the whole time and she made some sad and horrible ‘runaway’ joke before getting in her car and leaving. What’s to stop an officer from picking my son up at 5 or 6 when he’s outside playing alone? When does it start? For that matter, where does it end?

Nothing actually has to happen for there to be blame. Until a couple of weeks ago, I allowed my 8-year-old and 5-year-old to go out and explore the neighborhood. The rule was they were restricted to our small and closed-off suburban neighborhood and they were to always stay together. They made a few friends, I met the parents (they also aren’t allowed to go into houses until I meet the parents and say it’s OK). A neighbor called the police, reporting that a 3- and 4-year old were unattended outside. The police escorted my girls home (they refused to get into the police car), a police report was generated, and DCFS is investigating me for neglect. My elder daughter heard the social worker threaten me with felony charges and the removal of my children from the home. She also heard the social worker inform me that the children shouldn’t be allowed to leave the yard unsupervised until they are 12. She’s been having nightmares since.

I feel like I am in a situation in which I can either be right or be happy. The social worker has already lied to my mother about the situation, exaggerating circumstances (claiming that my children got into the neighbor’s vehicle). Yes. I am afraid, not of a boogyman, but of my neighbor and the social worker. I’m afraid that if I keep my children in, they are going to be stunted. They’ve had a taste of freedom and it agreed with them. Now, my elder daughter is afraid that if she goes down the street to play with a friend, she’s going to come home to the police taking me away.

How do we change this culture? The parents of the friends my children have made are also free-range, to greater or lesser degree. Our neighborhood is in transition from elderly, long-term homeowners, to younger families. We don’t have enough younger families yet. Logic and rational thinking are no match for fear.

I think there are two parts to te answer. The first is stressing the (un)likelihood that anything will matter. The second part is making parents understand how giving your kids freedom enables them to become smart, bold, creative, and successful. You could potentially play on parents’ competitiveness (“Do you want little Susie to be the boss, or somebody’s employee?”). You can also talk about how, yes, they’re keeping their kids safe, but they’re also keeping him a baby. If they don’t start learning to be an adult until they’re free of their parents (whether that’s 18, 22, or 30-something) they’re going to be way behind their “peers”.

@Danial

I think you make a good point, though the odd positive post does come through. I would love to see a weekly feature, be it a positive how-to article by Lenore or just a weekly spotlight on a readers positive story, complete with challenges.

I was in the dentist’s waiting room yesterday and found that the only reasonably interesting magazine was Parents. (sorry, can’t read about golf without going cross-eyed with boredom) They have a column called ‘safety stories’ or something like that. One of those ‘Something horrible happened to my kid’ things. A woman’s 5 year old got her finger pinched in a bathroom door at a restaurant and ripped the tip of her finger off. Had to go to the hospital, yadda yadda. But the mother’s response was, “Now I never, ever let her go into a bathroom alone.”

My response was, seriously? This was a random, one off event. She could have done it while you were in the bathroom just as easily. Pretty sure she won’t do it again. So your solution to a random accident is to stand over your kid forever while they pee, lest they catch their finger in a door again? That just seems utterly crazy to me.

And that’s how I tend to respond to a lot of the busybodies. I look at them like they’re nuts. I restate their worries in such a way that I hope they are doubting their sanity, not mine. (You’re really worried about x? Really? Weird.) If it’s a close friend or relative I might discuss it with them more, but otherwise, I treat them like any other nutcase.

Blame helps absolve people of their own fear. When something newsworthy and terrible happens to a child, the first thing you usually hear is what the parents could have done differently to prevent it. If we can identify what the parents did wrong, then we can avoid it happening to our own children. ‘This won’t happen to me, because I would NEVER allow MY child to…’ It’s a psychological safety net.

I’m surrounded by blamers and worriers. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “But you’d never forgive yourself if…” It certainly makes parenting a lot harder knowing that my mistakes will be dissected and thrown back in my face if they affect my children the least bit adversely.

My next worry: My 16-year-old daughter got her driver’s permit yesterday. So far two people have asked me “Are you going to let her drive?” Um…of COURSE. Why would I NOT? She has to learn, doesn’t she? “Well, yes, but it’s sooooo scary…” Of course it is. But I was allowed to drive when I got my permit. If not I’d still be bumming rides from my mother. Yet I’m supposed to think twice about allowing my daughter behind the wheel of a car now that the DMV has deemed her fit to operate a motor vehicle because it’s ‘soooo scary.’ My biggest fear is not that she might have a fender bender in my car, but the gnashing and wailing I’ll hear from people if she does because it will be my ‘fault’ for allowing her to do what she’s supposed to be doing and not somehow finding a way to avoid any possibility that she might have an accident.

I want to echo the anonymous comment above: “For me its reminding myself how much they WILL lose if I don’t give them the opportunities to explore and grow.” It’s vital to avoid framing this as “safety vs danger” because who would choose danger over safety? It’s the tiny danger of being struck by lightning vs all the *huge* dangers of an oversheltered life.

I would also add, read. Read Huck Finn and the American Girls and The Trumpet of the Swan and anything else you can get your hands on. They serve as constant reminders of real life. And hey, while you’re at it, read Lenore’s book. And give copies to your neighbors!

I think you try the approach of asking when will they let their child do such and such, i.e. walking to school alone? Say the child is 10 right now, will the parent say 11, 12 or 13 for walking to school alone? I assume they will give you an age at some point, so then ask them what will change when the child 12 and able to walk to school alone as opposed to being 11 and can’t walk to school.

I think you should make them give you some reasoning.

I just met a mom, 44 years old, with a 2 1/2 year old. I think that being older as a mom (I’m a bit older myself) makes you more paranoid because you worked so hard to get the baby in the first place. This particular lady though… she is a former cop, not being a cop now because she’s being a mommy. In the bounce house, where there is only one door in and out and every mom in there is keeping eyes out for all of the kids, this cop would get up to check on her kid so often that it was hard to talk to her. Most of us let them go until we hear them crying (and they usually come find us every 5 minutes or so anyways). I tried to tell this cop about the free range idea, but I got the same response from her that I got from a friends hubby who was a former assistant DA prosecutor – “you don’t know what I’ve seen.” I realize that I don’t know what they’ve seen… and I try to tell them about what they’re taking away in an effort to protect from the absurdly rare… but it never goes very well. In the end, the cop was so overwhelming that the other moms weren’t interested in her joining our stay at home mommy group… I feel so badly for her little girl…

My counselor recommends that I say the following mantra to myself when I am feeling anxious about this topic or others:

“unsure, unknown, out of my control”

This helps to remind me that every day is full of uncertainty, and that we are not really in control of most of what happens to us. This in turn allows me to relinquish some of the alleged control that I am trying to hold on to and that is creating the anxiety in the first place.

There are a few things that help me not care about what other people think about me.

1. Not everyone will like me or my family, or my choices for my family, so I’m just going to do what I think is best with the info I have.

2. I can find a study or a book or website or a support group that will support whatever decision I make. There’s so much information on every side of nearly every issue, that in the end, I’m going to go with my gut, and seek out the support of like-minded individuals.

3. I learned somewhere along the way about “circles of control.” The first, smallest, circle (closest to you, as you’re in the middle of the circles) is the one in which you have direct influence. You can change your environment, decide what you want, etc. The second concentric circle out you have some, but not much, control over. This would relate to the people around you – you can try to influence them, but ultimately you’ll have only indirect influence on this circle. The third circle is the one over which you have least control (ie, none). You can’t control the weather, you can’t control what people on the other side of the world (or town!) are doing. You can’t control what that weirdo across the street does to be weird. So… you can worry about all three circles, but it’s a waste of time, because you only have control over your small circle. I choose to worry over that circle, and that circle alone.

All my life I’ve asked myself if I can live with the consequences. Yes, I will be devastated if something happens to my kids when I’ve let them do something on their own. Part of me will always carry some blame. I don’t worry too much about what other will say. I do worry more about these off-the-wall legal actions taken against parents. In that situation, now my family’s life is doubly destroyed.

It’s a lot to consider, but I don’t like operating based on fear.

My recommendation is to turn the guilt around. “I know that you’re afraid of what might happen, and that you’ll feel awful if it does, but think about your son/daughter. He/she deserves to explore and become independent and grow up. You’re doing your child a disservice if you never let them gain their own independence.”

When this conversation comes up, I usually get them to pull themselves from the situation and assess it in a logical point of view. I throw in common facts vs worse case scenarios. ie. Crime is down. ANYTHING can happen, standing there talking a space debris can come crashing down on us. Do we look up constantly? Then I ask them how they grew up. Most often they say they grew up pretty much FR. It’s basically, getting them to see the reality of things, and having them answer their own questions, and confronting their own fears. A lot of times, their realization does empower them, and gives them another option other than living in constant fear. I also throw in the fact that their fearful state stresses them out (which they don’t deny), and that stress affects their physical and mental well-being. That if they get sick, they can’t help their children. If they are frazzled, they can’t make the right decisions. And the thing that hits home the most, is when they realize that their actions DOES affect their children, and how they will grow up. “In trying to help your child in this condition, you are actually doing more harm in the long run.”

They don’t need to change over night, but as long as it gets them thinking. Eventually, they do start to loosen the reigns. So long as another heli-parent doesn’t corrupting them again.

“My recommendation is to turn the guilt around. “I know that you’re afraid of what might happen, and that you’ll feel awful if it does, but think about your son/daughter. He/she deserves to explore and become independent and grow up. You’re doing your child a disservice if you never let them gain their own independence.”

Cara, I agree with the thinking you’re expressing here, but there ARE people who will simply answer something like, “NOTHING is worth the risk of something terrible happening to my child. A dependent child is still alive”, or things to that effect.

In severe cases like this, maybe what we need to do is concoct some “nightmare scenarios” of our own about incompetent adults. “What if your kid never learns enough independence to be able to find a job and live on his own?” Stuff like that. With the really hard cases, they tend to compare someone being slightly inept (best possible outcome of overprotection) vs. horrific abduction related death (worst possible alleged outcome of Free Range.) So you might need to up the ante from “not letting them gain independence” to “not being able to function as adults.”

Probably the wisest thing I’ve heard in a long time: “You can’t treat anxiety in the negative.” With that one phrase, I’ve succeeded in overcoming a fear of flying and heights and reduced my formerly chronic anxiety to a mere occasional nuisance.

I do believe the same principle can be applied here. When we focus on the negatives–even in order to deny the negatives–we feed our own anxieties. We can tell ourselves all day that “nothing bad will happen,” or “the chances of something happening are minuscule,” or “people used to do this all the time without bad things happening,” or “it’s still less dangerous than driving in the car,” but it won’t stop the anxiety.

The reason for that lies in the seat of our emotions, the primitive part of our brain responsible for triggering the chemicals that cause sensations of anxiety and panic. Some call it the “lizard brain” because it evolved long before we were mammals. In short, the lizard brain developed long before language and is simply incapable of registering the word “no.”

When you say “nothing bad will happen,” your lizard brain hears only “bad! happen!” and sends out appropriate signals to the rest of your body.

This is also why, by the way, you can’t tell a 2-year-old “no” and expect her to obey reliably–a positive command followed by distraction works much better.

Which, it turns out, is also exactly what you need to do for your lizard brain. Instead of focusing on what will *not* happen, focus on what *is* happening and the happy outcome you expect. Instead of, “Oh, she’ll be fine at the park alone, stranger kidnappings are incredibly rare,” say to yourself, “Wow, my daughter is developing independence! And maturity! Think of the fun she’s having with her friends!” Then imagine the smile on her face, the ruddiness in her cheeks as she walks back in the door, the big hug you’ll wrap her in.

Then distract yourself with something else for a while. When those scary anxious thoughts recur (and they will), remind yourself that you’ve already reasoned out why they are invalid, and then move immediately on to the positive affirming images, and then to your distraction.

As for the reality of the risk, it is absolutely unquestionably a real risk. But then, so is everything else we do in life. And in this case, the ruddy cheeks, healthy bones, awakened curiosity, self-reliance and responsibility, and other many many benefits of the free range lifestyle are every bit as worthy of the tiny risk as is getting in the car to go to the library.

I have a real nightmare scenario (not, thankfully, me) that I share. When I was in graduate school at University in 1991, a first year student went to a bar with friends in her first week of classes. She was afraid to walk home alone, so she accepted the offer of two football players (who she had just met) to walk her home. They walked her back to her dorm and raped her. The then Chancellor of the University blamed it on her going (illegally) to a bar (he was kicked out not long after) — but I still think she just didn’t have any idea how to handle herself without her parents around.

So, the objective is to turn out 18 year olds who know how to handle themselves when they don’t have supervision. How, I ask my friends, do we get there? At what age do we expect this child to be able to do X with some safety?

My experience, of co-parenting a young person who wasn’t my biological child, is that if you want to help a friend be more relaxed about letting their kids be more independent, you have to keep up gentle reassurance– and be prepared for good-natured ribbing on your stand.

“You can then provide people with information about lawyers that specialize in such cases, websites with legal information, support groups etc. ”

Lenore or someone else interested and influential ought to look into starting something along the lines of Home School Legal Defense Association, for Free Rangers — a non-profit network of lawyers interested and willing to defend parents and challenge laws infringing on the right to raise children as we see fit.

I think they key to this is to appeal to a mother or father’s fears, the things that stiffen their backbones and make them feel ready to take risks. I want you to visualize that father at the park that gets belligerent and borderline violent about someone taking pictures of his kids, or the mother that would be willing to fight and die rather than let someone run off with her child. Parents have these fantasies and would be willing to die to protect their children, right?

OK… so… let’s imagine that every night, while you’re asleep, a government funded agent sneaks into your child’s bedroom and uses a little box to irradiate them. Just a bit. The net result over 18 years is that the child has a little lower IQ and is more likely to be obese. It also makes the child a lot less confident in general as a young adult or college student.

Now… how many parents would just put up with that? Wouldn’t every father you know claim to be ready to stay up all night and kill that agent if he came into their house? Damn the consequences, right? No well in hell I’m letting someone hurt my kid, right? Wouldn’t every mother be willing to die fighting that man off to keep him away from her child? Wouldn’t she rather die than let anyone harm her?

Now… imagine the rest of society has convinced itself that these agents and their visits are necessary. That it’s just GOT to be done. Every child. That’s just how it is. It doesn’t matter how asinine this idea is, every parent must conform. If you fight off the agent and don’t let him reach your child they condemn you. Police surround your house, willing to shoot you to ensure that this agent can get to your child and do his work. Eventually they take the kid away from you to make sure they’re irradiated like everyone else.

I would be willing to bet, as contrived as this is, that every SINGLE MOTHER and FATHER YOU KNOW would claim they’d fight to the death to stop that agent from reaching their child. They’d rather die than let someone take their kids and do this to them. It’s precisely the kind of fear that is so strong in the deep dark of night. The kind that makes men want to fight for their families. The kind that makes (I cringe to use this phrase) “mama grizzlies”.

But… isn’t that exactly what TV, and X-box, and being driven to school, and never playing outside or walking to the store alone is? Isn’t it the way that society at large sneaks into our children’s lives and saps a bit of their IQ? Makes them obese? Leaves them unprepared for college and adult life? Isn’t calling the school to fight your teenager’s battles over essay grades just ‘what is done’ as stupid as it really seems when you think about it? Aren’t the police agents of society forcing us to dumb down our children?

The answer is YES, that is EXACTLY what this imaginary agent of our society is doing. The agent isn’t even imaginary, he’s REAL. Why are all those parents more afraid of this agent than they are brave to fight him off and protect their children?

I personally don’t give a rat’s ass what other parents think of me, nor the cops, nor the child protection services. I am willing to fight for the sake of my child’s future. And so should you be.

It is hard but not impossible. My personal fear (if you want to call it that) is having to be ratted out by someone for not being a “responsible” parent, even if something bad is not happening by allowing my child to do something on her own. Almost everyone I know is a Nervous Nellie and is forever serving up scare statistics, or saying how “the world is a much more dangerous place now than it was then”. To which I say “nonsense,” but people must think I don’t care or watch the news (no to the former and latter).

And now my daughter is in a fearful phase — she is almost 8 and despite my attempts to give her some bigger degrees of independence, she still wants me to baby her, or has very fanciful fears, it seems. I’ve tried to do things like leave her home for 10 minutes while running an errand locally WITHOUT her (reassuring her that I’m only a phone call away — she knows my cell number by heart). She is convinced that there will be “bad guys” breaking in the house. And I have no idea how that got started, since neither my husband nor I prattle on about “stranger danger” or anything like that.

Even worse is when I allow her to stay in the toy section of a store while I’m a few aisles over doing something, for about 5 or so minutes, then she panics about my not being there and has me paged over the store intercom by an employee. Talk about embarrassment (but at least she knows what to do).

What kind of parent would be so selfish that they would put “what other people will think” or fear of how “they will feel guilty” above what their child needs to grow and flourish?

One of the toughest things you can be asked to do as a parent is to take some risks yourself including letting your children have some independence. When you do, you as a parent assume the potential for criticism, sadness, legal issues, etc. But doing so gives your child the gift of learning to be independent, free thinking, mature, etc.

People always say “I would do anything for my kids.” This is one time when you can do so in a meaningful way.

SKL, on August 3, 2011 at 11:41 said:
7) What do you want your child to be able to accomplish independently when he’s 18? He’s __% of the way to 18. Is he on track?

—————–

I have been saying exactly this to people for almost 10 year now, and it really does work.

I usually make it more exact by adding details:

“When my daughter is 18 she is planning to fly to Europe – hey didn’t you do that when you were that age? I did! – and stay in hostels… We’ve been learning about taking buses, and trains and flying and staying in hostels since she was 11 to help her get ready for that. Now with only a year left I figure if she doesn’t have the skills to do ___ yet, it is better that we find out at home than when she is 4000km away!”

It helps people to put it in terms of a goal, and small steps leading up to that goal.

I don’t think that you can combat the fear that you will be blamed if something happens to your child because the fact of the matter is that you WILL be blamed. If the masses can find any inkling of something off to blame on you, they will. It makes them feel less vulnerable in that they can say to themselves “This won’t happen to me because I would never do X.”

I know that if something happens to my daughter while free ranging (or asleep in her own bed), I will be blamed to a certain extent in the press and community, hopefully not by law enforcement. But the odds of something horrible happening are very small. If the worst was to happen, I don’t think anything that anyone could say about me could possibly even come close to the pain of losing my child so I probably won’t care at the time.

Maybe the parents shouldn’t be living in that neighborhood, but doesn’t it occur to the naysayers that they already know that and probably would move if they could? (But I know, I know, poor people shouldn’t have kids.)

I have a different perspective here; my 11yo son has a brain tumor. It is likely he won’t make it to or very far into adulthood. What would you do differently raising your child if you knew they only had a year to live? five years? Those are the questions I ask of parents who think danger lurks around every corner every second of every day.

Yes, when you first find out there is panic. You want to hold everyone close, never let go. Then you decide that is not living. Living is getting out and experiencing life, that is what it is all about…. experiences.

The blame from others, bah. That can be brushed off. How would you feel if you twaddled your child’s last days or years away in the name of protecting them? Blame, you’d blame yourself for not enjoying life more. You’d blame yourself for not making memories. That type of blame doesn’t go away.

We know we have limited time and we make the most of it. Really nobody knows how much time anyone has. Make the most of right now, that is all we have. “Live life like you’re dying” comes to mind.

I think the best thing you can do is to be a good example. Preaching to people rarely makes them change their minds, no matter how right you are.

I have a couple friends with kids similar in age to my own (pre-adolescent/ early teen) who are constantly afraid for their children’s safety. So I talk to them about what my kids are doing (for example, taking the city bus around town, or going to the mall by themselves), how we prepare for them to do it safely, and why we are doing it. And verbalizing the fact that sometimes, we get worried too, but we feel the fear, and do it anyway. Not in a preachy way, but in a “sharing about my family” way. I point out when their kids show their maturity and ability to handle situations.

They know me, and know I care about my kids – I am not an irresponsible parent putting my kids in danger. My kids’ bio-father held them hostage from me years ago, and regularly threatened to kidnap them, and we have hidden from him for the past 6 years – we have concrete things to be afraid of, known dangers – but I still think it is important for my kids to be independent, and we make sure they have the necessary tools to keep themselves safe.

I have seen my friends really come around, and their families are reaping the benefits. Now, they sometimes talk to me about things their kids want to do that make them anxious and we have a logical talk about it, rather than saying no purely based on fear. I still get the “it’s different because your kids are boys” (they both have girls) line a lot, but I’m working on it.

AHHH… the old blame game something parents have been doing since the beginning of time WHY?? Well it could not be possible that Jr.(my kids) were rough housing, playing dodge ball, checking in hockey ect that got them hurt it was mom or dads for giving them the opportunity to be in that position to have a choice to play or sit. Life happens belive it or not !!! Things do not have to have a blame Sh*t happens all around us everyday to good and bad people alike living in constent fear (mom I hope YOU are reading this) of the sky falling on our children. I was and still am a bit of a wild child so when my kids are out with friends, playing sports or driving out of the driveway I take a deep breath say have fun, not ( WATCH OUT or BE VERY CAREFUL) are you still reading mom…. because everytime I heard those word I always pushed the limits…. all that said its a no fault insurence policy that gets us thru..

Shoot, I just realized I didn’t offer any helpful suggestions. I was terrified for a good four years after that incident. I didn’t want to let him go anywhere because I was literally afraid that some agency would take him away because I didn’t clean the house well enough or because he fell down at school and got a bloody lip. That woman terrorized me with constant threats of foster care and it had a big impact.

The only thing that really helped was realizing my son was old enough to speak up for himself. A few years ago, I enrolled him in a gymnastics class so I could get an hour to myself 3 times a week. (Going crazy for a helicopter parent, I know.)

Every other parent with a kid in the class stayed for the entire hour. I would drop him off, tell him to have fun and hit the gym to enjoy my me time. Well, I started getting dirty looks from the other parents when I would drop him off or pick him up. Eventually, the looks elevated to snide comments mumbled under their breath. Finally, one of them confronted me for being a bad mother who didn’t take any interest in her son. (Keep in mind, I was a full time helicopter mom for 9 years at this point. I was dang tired and all I wanted was three bloody hours a week to myself.)

While I was spooling up to give her a piece of my mind, my son said, “Don’t you talk to my mom like that you ugly, horrible person! She’s a great mom and way better than you could ever be. Maybe if you had a hobby you wouldn’t be so mean and ugly!”

That’s what finally made me stop worrying. My kid knows I love him and he isn’t afraid to stick up for me if some crazy person tries to interfere with our family.

Poptart kitty! My kids love it! (However, I think that tune will be going through my head for quite a while….)

Kate, I would have loved to have seen the expression on that other mom’s face!

I have been reading these responses while my 7-year-old has been preparing dinner for himself and younger sister. Last night I had a last-straw moment where I told them I wouldn’t tolerate their complaints about my cooking any longer and that they could make their own dinner, thank you very much (not my finest moment, I admit). For the last thirty minutes my son rattled around the kitchen, discovering where I keep things and composing as balanced a meal as he could manage without actually turning on the stove or oven. Sure, dinner basically amounts to a peanut butter sandwich and cucumbers, but he did it all by himself and has a sense of accomplishment for having completed the task.

The lesson I am taking away from this, echoed in some of the posts I’ve seen above: Take baby steps. Start small and dole out ever-bigger doses of responsibility. This not only benefits my son (and later, my daughter), but, perhaps more importantly, allows ME an increasing comfort and gets me used to the idea that with this approach, he can grow into a competent human.

Then when the busybodies weigh in, you can deflect their criticisms with confidence.

I could have written this post/query a couple years ago. Some days it still rattles me, the fear-mongering and those who are quick to blame parents/carers (usually mothers). But I’ve found many people in real life aren’t nearly as unapproachable on the subject as I used to think.

Ultimately, what has helped me is to find a few people who support me in my judgment and practices as a parent. THOSE are the people I talk with to get advice, or to vent to, or to relate with.

I don’t argue with people if I’m feeling upset or vulnerable. I calm myself, listen to the other party with empathy as best I can, and say, “Lots of people feel/think that way.” I acknowledge their reality (the world is a scary place, kids can’t handle freedom nor responsibility, etc etc, whatever it is).

If I’m able to converse in a non-heated, non-angry/judgmental or soapboxy way, I feel free to cite statistics or talk about the implications of the child-unfriendly policies out there. The topic is an important one.

One of the biggest helps is developing a community around my children and myself as a parent. Getting to know neighbors, being involved in school, church, and community activities, spending time outside myself and talking with other parents about parenting goals, philosophies, and concerns.

Last week, it paid off. In the space of two days, My kids had two free-range incidents at the park, both involving mothers I didn’t know overreacting to normal kid behavior, scaring the children, and getting in my face. I kept my cool but held my ground and (thanks to this site) tactfully questioned their assumptions.

Afterward, some other park “regulars” came by to reassure me that the other mothers’ complaints were unfounded (“She’s crazy.”) and that of course we all watch out for each others’ kids, and that what the kids were doing was fine.

I also befriend other moms and support their free-range efforts. I tell people that it’s important to me to allow my children to make little choices with little consequences when they’re little people so that they know how to wisely make big choices with big consequences when they’re big people.

The other thing that helps is now, after nearly 10 years of parenting, I can see the fruits of my labors in cheerful, friendly, polite, creative, intelligent, self-sufficient children. I can finally step back every now and then and say, “Yeah, I’m a pretty good parent after all.”

Start small would be my advice. My girls started by going to the park on the corner for 10 minutes with a phone. Now they can catch buses to dance camp, go to the movies, walk to the library etc alone.

Success breeds confidence. The more you do the ( ridiculously ) small stuff, the more you feel OK about doing something slightly more “risky” for slightly longer. You sometimes have to do the small things over and over to desensitise yourself to the fear.

Rather than try to rationalise away the fear, I found this approach – a desensitisation one – more effective.

Not only does it help you get used to freerange, it helps your friends and family get used to it – your community. I would hope that slowly normalising independence in children would make blame a less likely outcome.

Flexibility is also good. Maybe you are too anxious to let your kid go to the park themselves. But maybe you can cope with your kid going to the park with a friend by themselves.

Maybe you can’t be brave enough to send them out without a phone. So what ? Send them with a phone. It’s more important to let them do what they need to do to grow than it is to do it perfectly. Imo.

Here’s my problem. I was a hovering, helicopter mom for far too long, and now that I see the error of my ways, I’m afraid I’ve done so much damage, it can’t be reversed.

How do I now get my kids – teens, age 14 & 16, who are homebodies and never even ASK to do anything on their own — to take steps toward independence? I know it’s my fault that they are so cautious, insecure and dependent, but now that I WANT them to break free a little, they won’t (can’t, I guess).

HOW does one begin to turn things around, even at this late stage? Please don’t write comments about how it’s too late, or that I have to reap what I’ve sown; I don’t need a lecture, I need advice and encouragement. Thanks.

It used to take my breath away seeing my daughter’s classmate out jogging at dusk, and after dark. This was as a FIRST grader! I’d worry for her and think disapprovingly of her mother. She was very small for her age, and it was shocking to see her nightly, without fail, those skinny little legs pumping and her blonde pony tail switching back and forth.

Her mother was a teacher, and I liked and respected her otherwise – I never said or indicated my opnion…but I thought she was NUTS to allow her daughter to do that. I was always dreading that something bad might happen to her one night.

She got a lot of praise and attention for running in big name marathons – Boston, the Marine Corp Marathon in D.C, or the Bolder Boulder.

Deep down I knew I was wrong to be critical…but I was anyway. It was a huge surprise to me when my daughter turned out to be a faster runner on their high school track and field team. I’d never encouraged my daughter to run and had no idea she was athletic.

I ran into her mother recently and learned she joined the Peace Corp and was in some far flung country.

Moral of the story? I was wrong. Wrong to have criticized that mother. Wrong to have neglected to encourage my own daughter.

I was just plain wrong.

What “worries” me the most about all of this hovering is that in a few years the world is gonna be covered with all of these young adults that don’t know how to do ANYTHING on their own.
What I tell people in hovering discussions is “When is your child supposed to learn to be self-sufficient and self-relient? when he/she is 20? 30? never? When is he/she supposed to learn to make decisions for themselves, learn from mistakes, or use his/her own brain? If you are right there hovering ALL THE TIME the kid always looks to you for ideas not coming up with their own ideas and solutions. The kid grows up with no problem solving or decision making skills. What job is there ANYWHERE that you don’t need those skills?
There’s a bad scenario for you. All of these hovermoms in their 60’s with their 30 somethings kids still living with them!

I took a parenting class last year because I was at a loss as to how to deal with my son, who was 5 at the time. It was multiple daily power struggles and had been for 2 years and one day I realized that if things didn’t change, I was going to lose him emotionally in not too long. I suddenly saw the road we were heading down and how disconnected I was destined to be by the time he was a preteen–not a pretty picture.

One of the tenets of the class was “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” Okay, I agree with that. But then we started analyzing struggles and behavior, I realized that I was a huge part of the problem. He already wanted to do more for himself and didn’t like the amount that I did for him. Of course, at 5, he couldn’t express this and so acted out in other ways. As I became more sensitive to it, I realized that I was, in fact, holding him back and I needed to cede some control. He was five years old and had never used a knife, for goodness sake! It wasn’t that I didn’t think him capable; it just didn’t occur to me to have him do it. (I was doing it for his toddler sister, anyway, so why not just do both?)

Now, he’s responsible for himself as far as he is able. (Toasts his own bread, makes his own PB&Js, pours his own juice, etc.) We still have power struggles, but they are not to the degree as before. It has really made a difference in our household, and I’ve actually started to enjoy my boy again.

That class made me realize that I *had to* free-range my son. If I didn’t I would lose my relationship with him completely. He was already on the road to resentment. I can’t imagine how bad the teenage years would have been. I’m just glad I recognized it when I did so I could course-correct before too much damage was done. The change brought about by that class and reading this blog has been dramatic–and quite literally a lifesaver.

Marina:Also, if you tend to do too many things for them (laundry, make dinner) STOP. Maybe say, new rule. Thursdays are kids make dinner night! Have them plan and make dinner. Teach them to do their own laundry if they don’t already.,/i>

BTW, teaching kids to do their own laundry is especially beneficial for boys: Immediate end to the “war of the skidmarks”, less worry on the boy’s part over how his parents will view the telltale stains of puberty, and, most importantly, if your boy is one of the 95% or so who grows up to be heterosexual, he won’t develop this automatic assumption that the his wife/girlfriend is completely responsible for his having clean clothes. Too many boys grow up going through life believing that laundry is Someone Else’s Problem.

*Other* parents’ ability to let go of that worry have encouraged me to do the same. A recent example…my 13-yo son is attending band camp, 2 miles from our home, for an hour a day M-F. Problem is, I tutor 2 days a week and am not available to get him there on those 2 days. A friend called and said her son (friend of my son’s) was going to camp as well, but she babysits little ‘uns and the strain of getting them all out the door for two there-and-back trips was a bit much, and would my son want to walk with her son? I wouldn’t have sent him on his own, because the guilt would have killed me! But with someone else? Why not try? They have been walking it for almost 3 weeks now. A female friend has joined them…another girl came along 1 day, but her father followed them in the family mini van all the way there, and then home again later. (I don’t know whether to be amused or insulted!) Funny thing is, the friend who “instigated” this venture has an older daughter who also went on foot 4 years ago, but Mom is taking flak for “making” her son do it, because he’s in a WHEELCHAIR. As if that makes him incapable. He’s traveling with 2 or 3 other people, never by himself, and she’s getting guilt-tripped because he’s in a WHEELCHAIR, and how could she MAKE him do it?! Funny thing is, the other kids had to start riding their bikes to keep up with him (he does NOT have a motorized chair, BTW)…mom had to drop off a form one day and did it at the end of the session so she could just give him a ride home…his response was “thanks, Mom, but I need to catch up with my friends.” How can you argue with THAT success?

I think what really needs to be done, is that the media, and everyone else stops demonizing parents when something does happen to a child. This starts at home, when you hear a friend blaming a parent because their child got hurt, remind your friend that sometimes it happens, and it’s not always the parents fault.

Working on not needing everyone’s approval is a biggy. A child with a scraped knee is a child who has had fun the day before, not a child who is a bused and misused.

I think as a society we have become obsessed with needing our fellow parents’ approval for everything, Educational choices we make, amount of supervision we provide our children, servings of vegetables our kids eat, and their bedtime routine.

If we would be able to trust ourselves a bit more and need others’ approval a bit more, allowing our kids to be Free Range and perhaps make a mistake from time to time wouldn’t be all that threatening.

We have to recover from our approval addictions.

-Mendel

Toni – have a blunt talk with your kids and tell them that you realize that your “helicopter” style is getting in the way of their growing up and taking charge of their actions.

Ask them where to start – they may be sitting on the couch wishing you weren’t hovering so closely.

First off, you hand them a copy of FRK. I’ve done it three times, and made two converts. The other one just thinks I’m nuts, but then again, the feeling is mutual. 🙂

Honestly, I hate to echo everyone else, but a heaping dose of the Don’t Cares is mandatory, even though it’s hard to silence that CPS cop in your head. Knowledge is power – check the laws for your area as far as at what age can they babysit, be left alone for a few hours, be unattended at the park with friends. For me, a little knowledge goes a long way toward empowering me to make the decision I want to make, not the one I feel forced by a fearful society to make. Then you have to stop being intimidated by what others might think. Remind yourself that you know your child’s capabilities and personality just a smidge more than they do.

Also, be a vocal fan of the team! When a friend starts criticizing another mom’s decision, stand up for that other mom’s ability to decide for herself what is best for her children. Answer the “how could she?!” remark with “her kids are alive and well, so clearly she’s doing something right”.

When someone directs that sort of comment to me in person, I always remark that I’m raising a responsible, confident adult – she just happens to be 11 right now, but give her a few years.

We gave our almost-2-year-old son popcorn the other day. I know he could aspirate and we’d be helpless to save him. My husband insisted, so I told him “it’s on your head.” You are totally right, I didn’t want the blame.

What does work, is sharing the blame. With certain things, we band together and agree to let him be a kid. It’s easier when we know the maximum consequence is less than death. We can say, “If he gets sick, he gets sick,” but we have trouble saying, “If he dies, he dies.” Still, we try to remind ourselves of rational, reasonable risks (an idea I first picked up from your blog), the make a decision together and support one another. It’s just easier if we’re in it together.

The first time I let my boys go free-range, they walked up to school (2 blocks away) to play basketball. They were ages 10 and 7. I was freaking out internally but tried to hold it together for them. Then I had a corny idea – we had some old walkie talkies stashed in a closet. I gave one to my oldest son and kept one at home (the school is close enough to be in range). They used the walkie talkies to tell me that they made it the park safely and then they told me when they were on their way home. They were so excited and happy to be on their own, and thought the walkie talkies were cool! And those silly walkie talkies made me feel better, too!

I cannot agree more with “AMerica’s worst mom” it is no fun to be a kid that can’t do anything because it isn’t safe. Neither is childhood obesity from sitting in front of a computer or a TV. Our fear is probably also a contributing factor to our 30 year olds still living at home and our high divorce rate among other things.

There is also the fear of nothing happening and *still* having legal and societal problems. How many stories have we heard about some mother (btw, I find it interesting that its almost always a mother) finding herself in legal trouble because she allowed her kids to free range.

I’ve come to the decision that, regardless of what happens to me, I must do all I can to allow my children to grow up as normally as possible.

Every time they leave for school in the morning, to three separate schools, complaining about how some friend or other gets a ride and how mean I am for not giving them a ride; every time they go to the park, or a friends house, or school or church activities, I worry about the phone call or knock on the door about one or more of my children from a neighbor or the cops.

That’s my job as a father … but I’ve discovered something. While the worry and the fear never go away, it gets livable. I have to teach my children how to survive in the world.

No parent has ever been able to protect their children from the world when the world decides it wants to stomp through your family. The only thing you can do is teach them to be as strong as they can while you have the time to do it.

things I have said to people when I know they are judging my free range approach with my children…

about my 11 mth old:

when she is sticking her face into the sand and eating mouthfuls of it or eating questionable rocks off the ground, I say something like (usually to my younger son, so others hear me say it) :

” did you know studies have shown babies as young as 9 mths(I think 9 mths, it was ages ago that I read that study) old are able to choose a perfectly balanced diet if they are given multiple options from the beginning of starting solids, and are allowed to take anything they want… I wonder if she has a Pica? its a mineral deficiency, maybe that’s why she likes to eat so much sand? we should mention that to her doctor at her next check up… babies are so much smarter then most people give them credit for”

when she is standing holding on to something and she ‘Might’ fall on her bum I say:

“It’s so important for babies to learn how to fall by themselves, and its a much easier lesson when you are small and have diapers on… If she doesn’t learn now, she might have problems with her balance that have been shown to remain until adulthood” (I read a study about that also)

about my 8 year old:

when he is at the cottage (roaming with friends) and I have not seen him for 3 hours:

“I hope he is having as much fun as I had exploring and being with so many kids of different ages, as I had when I was growing up here… some days my folks would not see me for 2 days and I was his age, they only heard that we had pitched a tent in someones lot, gone for a bike ride to the store, in the rubber boat down the river, or was at someones place for burgers recently, from other peoples parents…”

or when a friend of mine was worried about their child when my son was with them for 4 hours:

“It’s so hard to teach them independence, that is something you have to learn from experience, isn’t it wonderful that even though we come from the city we still have places where kids can truly be kids and we don’t have to worry about the dangers of cars and drugs, besides the kids are together, they know to stick together and how to get help if needed, and what wonderful memories they must be making now”

about my 6 year old:

if he refuses to wear a coat or proper attire:

“Sometimes you have to feel the cold to truly understand why you have to wear a coat, I hope when he gets older and goes on his own adventures, he always remembers to pack properly for the weather, I would hate for him to be unprepared for such things because I never let him have any natural consequences”

I find if you know what you are talking about (or even just sound like you do) people are more likely to realize you have given thought into your actions, and they are more likely to think about it, or at least realize your reasons are not as life threatening as they would like you to believe…

Today I accomplished my first free range parenting moment. My 2 year old and I were in a cafe picking up cakes and he didn’t want to stand with me and hold my hand. He wanted to go up to the lady who was drinking her coffee at the table and have a little chat about the trains whizzing by. So I let him go. And it was HARD! I couldn’t always see him. The door was RIGHT THERE leading out to the GENERAL PUBLIC! Even though I was right there, I was still worried. Until the lady said the most profound thing to me. ‘Your son is so friendly and confident. You must be so proud’. My fear is not his fear. My fear is irrational. His confidence is not misplaced. And that lady made my day.

P R A Y

I think my response would be with questions…because as others have stated..no one likes to be preached to… I ask myself questions..to which there are many “right” answers.

So, to someone questioning my choices with my child..I would ask them…..By inhibiting a child’s exploration..what is it you are hoping to achieve? What are you hoping they will learn by denying them this opportunity? Do you want to send them a message of fear? confidence? what?

New experiences, unknown experiences, can be frightening…and yes..actually dangerous..very real danger. Can we address the danger by giving them tools/skills/ideas/limits/support..etc.etc? Can we see it as an opportunity to learn? or..do we see it as something to avoid or fear? why?

Don’t you think how we handle our children’s exploration will influence them? How will our children learn to be brave, articulate, thoughtful, strong, practical, confident, resilient, etc, etc, etc,,,,if they don’t have chances to learn to be those things and feel it in their guts?

Isn’t it the small ways that children learn about themselves layer upon layer again and again as they grown that teach them about themselves, their family, their abilities, their desires, and the world? How can they can relate to it….and be aware of it..be confident in it..climb it..master it..whatever they want to do in it..unless they try it? They have to go out and look for it..find it..do it,.right? What better time to try to be all those things than right there with you as their guide nearby? eventually they will leave home…and you want them to do it as capable as possible, right?

AS for the blame. We will all be blamed for everything our child becomes…or doesn’t become. I think its just the way it is. And yes, you may be blamed for being too over protective and not giving them the skills and confidence to make it successfully. And yes, thank you, that is something to think about.

In dealing with peoples constant terror….what about giving them an ” I think your are crazy look” ? What about going on the offense instead of the defense and telling them how fearful they sound.. Could we politely point out how irrational their fear is sounding by…questioning it? Because if you can question down to the root of it…it is irrational fear…and it just doesn’t make any sense.

We are confident as parents! We can reassure people that we know what we are doing . Our faces, our bodies, our actions will tell them …”No worries…we have it under control..our kids are exploring and learning and why aren’t you being supportive of that ?

Its up to free rangers to be on the offense..not the defense.

With all the cushioned safety we have now in our world…the terror comes from people who fear losing control. We just need to remind them..that they are not in control anyway…so stop focusing on it..and instead focus on giving your kids the skills and confidence to succeed.

Because there are fearful people..they need to see our confidence and that we are not afraid! I think if we continue to focus on the details with them..the point is missed. The point is yes..bad things can and will happen..but I would rather give my kids the skills and knowledge found through exploration and independence rather they live in fear of the unknown and stunt their growth? period.

I say this..with confidence… not anger..not attitude…with love.

You know what my biggest fear is every time I let my children “free-range”? Litigation. Yep – I’m more scared of the authorities than the bogeyman hiding in the bushes.

Letting an 8yo walk less than a block to the park to play should be normal, but it’s not. So the “weird” parent who lets their child do this is the one who will be noticed (and not in a good way) by the “normal” parents whose 8yos are not allowed out of their sight.

But I still refuse to let my children become “victims” who do not know how to fend for themselves (and I mean that in a life sense, not in a Bear Grilles Man vs Wild sense). So I let them go and free-range, and spend the time preparing my defence for the minute someone calls me on it.

Just suggest to people that they have more kids!

Seriously, when I had No. 1 son, I used to stress out over him, blame myself every time he took a tumble. Then I had two more, and it was amazing how much more relaxed I got. Should maybe have had another 5 or 6, and I’d be the most laidback mum around!

Also, a few accidents help to put things into perspective. I had one kid at age four fall 12 inches off a geodesic frame, right beside the kindy teacher, and break both bones in her lower left leg. Daughter no. 2, age five and showing off for her uncle , fell 8 or 9 feet backward out of a tree and landed on a broken old hand mower. Nothing worse than a scraped back.

Had the one second thing happen too. Daughter 1 (partially deaf) was racing down the footpath on her bike, having been told not to, when a driver came much too fast out of a driveway. He had one of those big grills on the front of his truck. The edge of the grill connected with her front wheel, she ended up scraped on the footpath. Very upset child, very shaky driver. If she had been a second further along he would have badly injured or killed her, because of her size relative to the size of the truck’s front end. We were just very blessed that time. Sometimes people aren’t. (BTW, both of them changed their habits post that incident).

Blame is a waste of time.

I enjoyed reading all these comments… And I didn’t realise just how naturally free-range I am (proud to realise it too). My daughter has had a knife and fork since she was 6mo. We settled into our house because it was walking distance from a primary school and riding/walking distance from the high school and because
I have no intention of picking up my kids and taking them to afterschool activities (of course you won’t stop me from watching games and picking them up when needed). I let her attempt everything and don’t help unless she asks (which my 20mo daughter has learnt to do).

My mum freaked when I let my 13mo wander around an empty arcade that we were having a coffee.. “what if someone grabbed her?” she was a fair distance away but the only risks were a person snatching her (low) or the shop door opening and closing on her fingers (still low)…. I have seen my mums youngest daughter and the helicopter parenting is obvious.

Cass:” My mum freaked when I let my 13mo wander around an empty arcade that we were having a coffee”

Yep wouldn’t want your kid to intervere with your precious coffee time now would you? And of course, it would be a blameless “freak” accident if the door did happen to close on her precious fingers. Oh well ! At least she’s free!

brad, I really think you need to find another blog to troll.

Must….take Uly’s excellent advice. Must….resist responding to brad’s jerkishness.

We want our children to enjoy life while they are growing, but many of us parents go nuts on that idea. I found this blog it’s about a mother concerning her kids personal security and found out about a safety application that works on a cell phone. To know more follow this link http://tidbitsfromamom.blogspot.com/2011/08/safekidzone-review-protecting-your.html

I am so amazingly greatful to have found your blog. I have been that terrified.. and I mean T.E.R.R.I.F.I.E.D parent for the last two years. My help: a year ago my best friend had her first child. At first when I saw her practices I was mortified, but the more that I’ve seen and heard of her confident words, the more that I’ve become a little more sane. I have never been as confident as a parent as she has been since day one, and she had a child in the nicu to begin with. The more that I see them thrive together the better I have felt. And I’ve been absolutely envious of her confidence as a mother. We all need a better support system and others to look up to. And I’m so thankful that I was humbled by a mother who became one after I did. And that I was willing to look at things objectively and question my way of thinking instead of constantly judging others. My views have completely changed. I am now terrified of my previous mistakes with my son and only hope that I can raise a happy healthy being.

Oh, and @Liz S, your neighbor should know that in North Dakota, the school district mandates that children WILL go outside to recess unless the temperature is below MINUS TEN (that is 42 degrees BELOW freezing). I hated that rule while we lived there, but my children had to abide by it (with snow clothes/gear) but sometimes they wouldn’t put on their gloves or forget to pull up their hood, and they survived.

What nonsense some people think because they don’t know any better, as if 60 degrees and barefoot is really a problem. Some parents sent their kids to school in shorts w/o snow gear and all the district did was call them to request more clothes. Something like that in the big cities would earn you a media nickname and formal charges of endangerment.

Soapboxing done!