When Can Parents Trust a Teen?

My parents didn’t even let me date until I was 16. As a matter of fact, my family moved to a foreign country (Kuwait, no less) a month before that (un)happy birthday where there was no one for me TO date.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to want their teenage children to have adult supervision. Even in a case where their child is mature for his or her age, like in this case, I think it’s ok to want a parent at least in the house when friends are over.

My parents had fairly strict rules when I was a teenager. I was able to be free range in that I could wander around town where I wanted, when I wanted (except for one time when my mom chewed me out for wandering the beach at night). But I wasn’t allowed to be in a bedroom room alone with a member of the opposite sex, for example. On the whole, though, my parents trusted me enough not to freak out the one time I got home after midnight (nothing even remotely mischeivous happened)

Being a free range kid doesn’t mean that all bets are off once you become a teenager.

Ah, I remember when I was just this age and my parents wouldn’t let me go with my boyfriend downtown to a particular street in Portland where the houses are all decorated for Christmas. I was surprised because I thought, with the fact that I could drive, had a license, had a job, did my schoolwork, that they suddenly decided I wasn’t mature enough.

It wasn’t that at all. It was the other kids and drivers on the road they were more concerned with – and we didn’t live close by; it was at least a 25 mile trip one way. It was just too far to go with a boy who hadn’t had his license for very long, either. Not trust – but lack of experience.

Your parents don’t necessarily know these kids. But they do know that kids on the cusp of adulthood can make stupid decisions – it’s not just about you, but these other kids who could get something up without thinking and there you are, swept up in it before you realize it.

You only have two more years. Continue to show your parents you are responsible. Continue to be honest with them, and I promise you, it will all work out for the good.

Parents; Look at your kid. Has he given you reason to be distrustful of his judgment? Is the depression the concern? Compromise with each other – together you’re climbing that staircase to adulthood, and you all want to get there in one piece and relatively unscathed.

Also, teenager – what seems like a big deal to you now will later pale in comparison to real, real-life things you will face. One step at a time.

I don’t know if this helps, but when I was a teen I would do that to my parents, “Hey we’re going here” and then we would just wonder around town. I think that’s a fairly normal teen thing.

Also as far as drugs and peer pressure I think there has been a history rewrite on that. When I was going up no one pressured anyone. Offers were made and sometimes they were accepted and sometimes not. never knew anyone that said you had to do drugs to be cool. Especally the people doing them.

I have to agree with LauraL. Your parents are not so much concerned about you making bad decisions as they are about the bad decisions of other teens. Hang in there. Follow your parents’ rules. It’s just for a couple of years, which will go by in a blink. And stop lying to your parents about your evening plans.

By the way, being able to “socialize very well with many adults (sometimes better than I do with kids)” is not necessarily a good thing. Your parents would rather have you socialize with “age appropriate” groups. A 14-year-old who thinks she/he is comfortable “socializing” with a 28-year-old may find that an adult’s ideas of socializing are vastly different than a teen’s.

I think his parents are sending him mixed messages: praising him for being mature, then not trusting him to make mature decisions. When I was a teen, all the parents had full time jobs. If I always had to have a parent home, I never would have been able to hang out with friends. My kids aren’t teens yet, but it will end up being the same with them. Currently, I’m the only stay-at-home mom in the neighborhood. There are no parents at home before 6pm. This seems like an unreasonable requirement in this day of dual income families.

I was a free-range kid whose boundaries completely contracted as a teen. All of a sudden, after years of come home at a reasonable time, use your judgement, make sure to watch out for cars, it was suddenly be home by 6(!), no phone calls from boys, no going to movies unless my grandfather was parked in the lot directly in front of the theater, wasn’t allowed to drive (got my license at 23!!)… horribly demoralizing.
I too was a brainy kid who read lots of books and was very mature for my age. BUT it was at this age that many of my peers started to become interesting, finally, and at 16 I was interesting enough for 17 or 18 year olds. And now I couldn’t go out the door unsupervised. I was a straight-A student (until their sudden irrational control manifested), never did drugs, never stayed out unreasonably late… UNTIL they exercised the aforementioned undue control. They too gave me the song and dance about not worried about ME, but about those ‘OTHER KIDS’. You know… the ones they’d known for the same 12 years I’d been in school with them. And the same parents. In the same houses. Made no sense. I rebelled with the best of them, lemme tell you. Why I went from having near complete freedom to being on near complete lockdown seems to have correlation only with developing breasts and getting my period.

I have teenagers now. My youngest, at 17, is a college sophomore. With a 3.97. He won’t even be 18 until right after he gets his AA, and is ready to transfer to a 4-year. He and his sister, who is 19, and off climbing rocks in the California desert, GAINED freedom as they got older, they didn’t LOSE freedom. She’s done some stupid-ass stuff, but she’s got to find her own way through. He’s awesome, and probably couldn’t figure out how to make a bad decision if he set out to do so. It would go so against his nature that he’d be unable to follow through.
Since he was 15, he’s been out with friends, sometimes at the lakeshore for days. I sometimes don’t hear from him for several days. He’s moved out too, I should mention. But even when he was a younger teen, with his friends, which have about a 4 year age range, he would go for periods of days in the summer without calling. He’d let me know where he was going, and when he got back into town. Yes, this meant I had to trust his friends too. I’ve known them all since they were 11-14. For the most part, they’ve honored that trust. One or two, not so much, but my kid didn’t pay the price. In fact, he’s been the one to stop hanging out with kids that he feels take too many risks. On Halloween this year, he came and got his truck from us (we’d borrowed it to move), because he was going to a party where there would be drinking, and it was crucially important to him to have his own transportation. Yay him! And he let us know WHY he wanted the truck back right then.

In my book, you get the trust, you get the chance. Only AFTER you’ve totally blown it do you have strict limitations for a time. You can’t prove your trustworthiness if you can’t go anywhere, man! How do you prove it from your bedroom?! How do you get ready to go off to college maybe somewhere far far away? You go out in the damn world, and practice your skills! Choosing friends, judging situations, learning what to avoid, and what’s cool.

Just as when they’re ten and we let them go to the park, and school, and their friends’ houses and they have guidelines about how to communicate, and how to stay safe, we have to carry that through as they get older. When they’re young, maybe they call when they get to their destination. Maybe they have to be home by dinner as opposed to 11pm. Maybe they are instructed to call if they feel uncomfortable somewhere.

When they’re older, maybe they are required to call when they’re at a friend’s, with a number for that house. Maybe they have a curfew. For sure they are instructed that if they are EVER in a situation where they either get in a car with someone who’s been drinking or call a parent, they call the parent, no questions asked, and if they EVER get caught having driven drunk or having ridden in a car with a drinking driver, then they don’t go out for X amount of time… we CAN’T put the fence around them first. They’ll just start shoving at it, looking for ways to push it over.

No no no…

A 16 year old boy is much more vulnerable than a 6 year old boy! and needs a lot more supervision. I would sooner trust a young boy alone than a teenager, that’s for sure.

The parents are right.

For one thing, the OTHER parents will not hesitate to accuse your child of all sorts of things.

Getting a boy from 15 to 18 is the hardest job; it’s easy to blackmail the parents into fearing to assert their authority; it’s easy to be lazy and let a lot of bad stuff happen — the consequences are just far too high when no one has any standards in our society.

So does he own and pay for all the expenses of the car? Is he thinking of getting married that he thinks he needs a girlfriend? Does he pay rent? He needs a good talking to, because maturity isn’t what he thinks it is.

I checked a few times to make sure that wasn’t my daughter writing this post. My kids are quite free range…they get themselves where they need to go, they are responsible for homework being done and accepting the consequences of when it’s not. I believe and trust in what they tell me unless they give me good reason not to.I manage my kids’ lives much less than most parents do. I’m flexible on the parents must be home rule. There are certain friends with whom I’m totally at ease with being here when I’m not home or DD being at their house when the folks aren’t home. Parties? Forget it. Parents must be home. Direct supervision is different than a parent being home.
With the OP, I’d be inclined to be more free with parentless hanging out. Parentless parties would be non negotiable.
To me, Free Range Parenting is not a lack of boundaries or values. It’s providing our kids with guidance and reasonable boundaries and trusting them and ourselves.

Wants to be alone with friends and thinking about how he’s old enough to have had a girlfriend by now? That’s exactly the kind of “maturity” that I would be worried about if it were my kid. My rule would probably be “don’t be alone with anyone of the opposite sex,” but, then, broad rules like this teen’s parents have are less awkward to explain to peers.

Does our culture really send the message that part of adolescence is having casual romantic relationships? Because that’s all they can be at 16.

I don’t know if he has someone in mind when he makes the girlfriend comment or if he thinks he just should have had one, since everyone else seems to have had three or four by now. If it’s the latter — sorry, that’s called being motivated by peer pressure and shows a lack of maturity.

If it’s the former, think of it this way: you’re probably not going to marry your high school sweetheart, but it you happen to know your soul mate right now, do you seriously think 5 or more years of tempting yourself (or tempting fate with birth control if your definition of moral is different from mine) sounds like fun?

Trust me, you’ll have time later. Enjoy the freedoms you do have now, and more will come soon, I promise.

I would also see if the parents are protecting this young man from potential false accusations. Being alone with another teen in a house (esp. if it’s a girl) is ripe for he said/she said situations.

In order to work in our local Catholic church, I had to take Youth Protection training. In addition to reviewing how to behave properly, they also taught us how to protect ourselves from potential accusations, which included never being alone with a child. This includes things like giving a child a ride home after an event. Boy Scouts and other organizations also teach things like this.

Being with another teen in public or with parents isn’t foolproof, but it provides some measure of defense against false accusations.

So, I would agree that as a parent, I am less worried about what my kid will do, but more about what the other kids will do.

That being said, I also agree with a number of other people who commented here on the young man living up to his parents expectations by lying to them already. Lying to get out of dumb rules never works. It just makes your parents make even more rules.

@DJ,

I’m sorry, but you need to ignore that nonsensical training and give a kid a ride home. It’s called being helpful, and against such, there is no law.

Accusational fiction cannot harm you. The burden of proof is upon the accuser to show that you actually did something wrong. There has to be evidence.

We all need to stop being afraid of things like “accusations”. We all need to start encouraging each other to do what is right without fearing the wagging tongues that try to ruin everything with insubstantial silliness.

Make a list of everything that Jesus was accused of, and I think you’ll see what I mean. He didn’t fear that stuff. He went on doing what he was supposed to do.

(I use Jesus as an example because you mentioned your work in your church, so I figured that he would present a good frame of reference.)

gramomster is my hero.

That is all.

DJ — In regard to your virus analogy.

As one who also had more freedoms at 10 than at 15 (including/particularly the friends of either gender over without parents), contracting the boundaries of a child/teen is more equivalent to locking your computer up in a closet in response to that virus.

Computers (specifically, Windows machines) are prone to thousands, if not millions of viruses at any given time. This is akin to the risks that we, no matter what age, take simply by getting up in the morning (fire, carbon monoxide poisoning, car accident, electrocution, dog attack, tetanus, broken bones, and falling down the stairs, just to name a few).

We protect our computers with reasonable measures, such as closing unopened ports, using a firewall, or simply using anti-virus software. If we got so scared over what MIGHT happen if/when we connected to the Internet, or network with any computer in general (after all, they MIGHT have a virus on them that destroys everything), then our computers would all be, essentially, locked up in a closet (after all the safest computer is one that’s powered off, disconnected from any networks, unplugged from power, and locked in a fireproof state).

The same goes with kids, no matter what age. I do agree with the “no parties without a parent present” and “no mixed genders in a private situation without a parent” rules, because things can get out of hand and one thing leads to another and so on, and it’s just easier/better to avoid that situation altogether. I would, however, make sure that my teen understands WHY those rules are in place. Things happen, and “bad” things are more likely to happen in those situations.

However, I don’t necessarily agree with things like 6pm curfews (though I do agree with “reasonable time” type curfews, such as 10pm on school nights and midnight or maybe 2am on non-school nights, depending on how much trust they’ve earned). Like others have said, it’s impossible to gain the trust of parents without having the room to do anything that would gain the parents’ trust. If you have to be home by six, that gives you MAYBE two hours to do anything on an evening after a day of school (unless you’re one of the lucky ones that gets out of school at 2:30 and live right by it, but even that might only buy you 3 hours, instead of 2). That’s not even enough time to go see a movie.

If you set unreasonable rules, or even rules that may seem reasonable to you, but don’t seem reasonable to your kid(s) (either because they think they deserve more freedom, or because they simply don’t understand your point of view), they’re going to push against those bounds. That’s a behavior that even carries over into the corporate world (one of the big common pieces of advice in the plethora of management books and articles is that employees are far more apt to follow rules if they understand them and the rationale behind them, and will be even more apt to follow the rules if they had any hand in creating them).

Wow! I was really surprised by the anti-free-rangeness of most of these comments! Free range until they become teenagers? How does that make sense?

I like and totally agree with the short and to-the-point gramomster comment:
“Boundaries MUST expand with age and experience, not contract.”

I think I need to go through my memory box and make sure this kid didn’t steal a page out of one of my diaries! I was the oldest of three kids and the only daughter, so my Mom and Dad saw me as their baby and the role model by which all was set in our house. Although considering both of my brothers have both spent a night in jail and I haven’t had a ticket in six years…maybe my folks weren’t so right after all!

Kiddo, all I can say is that I am immensely jealous of you. While your situation sucks, it’s way better than my adolescence and I commend you for the progress you’ve made. DON’T lie to your folks because you WILL get caught…karma’s a b*tch and really, you don’t want to take ten steps back from the great progress you’ve made.

It hasn’t even been ten years since I graduated high school and a lot has changed in the last nine years since then. I’ve grown a lot and so have my folks. I see now why they did the things they did (it doesn’t make all of it right) and I see now that I made some less than smart choices in my time. You’re doing a great job at communicating with your parents and that’s important. I agree that they should be rewarding that to some extent, but you ARE a minor and as such, you are still under their laws until you reach the age of majority. Your feelings ARE important and you should be able to communicate that with them. You sound like a smart kid and I bet the three of you can come to some sort of arrangement that’s a win win for everyone.

Sara – I had the same sentiments. I am shocked to read so many anti-free ranging comments, and especially comments because he’s a boy and a teen we can’t trust him. I’m reading a lot of fear of boys, so we fear them as a teen, and as men they are sexual predators, or because he’s a boy a.k.a. man, then he’s a sexual predator now? We are doing a huge disservice to society with attitudes like this.

And I agree with gramomster: “Boundaries MUST expand with age and experience, not contract.”

I can’t blame him for sneaking behind his parents back with they way they have treated him. He had more freedoms as a child, and now he has less. They say they trust him, but don’t act like it? I admit to having the same behavior as a teen (for the short time I lived with someone who gave me less freedoms than I was used to). It may not be right, but it is understandable considering the circumstances. Frankly, his parents asked for behavior like that by not trusting him.
Sounds like parents and son need a serious sit down conversation, open and honest. And perhaps the parents need to read a couple books – Lenore’s, and “Parenting With Love and Logic,” because they are not being logical in their parenting, and by doing so, are not showing their son love (by not teaching responsibility when it needs to be taught the most).

I think my comments re: computer virus were misunderstood — I was simply showing an example of people who were wrongfully accused and how damaging an accusation can be and how much burden of proof lies these days lies with the accused. {which was in response to someone who said we shouldn’t worry about being accused.}

I was simply throwing out another idea — we really don’t know WHY the parents are concerned about this young man being alone at another’s house. Preventing their son from being in a situation to be accused may not be the best free-range, but it would at least be an understandable concern to be discussed and addressed.

I think this young man should dig deeper and learn the reason for their restrictions — only then can they be addressed and possibly lifted or modified.

We would avoid a lot of difficulties if we clearly communicated our own needs to each other and worked from that position. This is classic to conflict resolution that starts with each stakeholder presenting “I need …” then “I feel …” then ” I feel this way because..” and, because we are listening to the other person we can reflect back to them “I understand you (need), (feel) (because)”, and then finally a proposal for solution – could be a compromise, could be a whole new way of looking at the problem. Of course the negotiation is now only just beginning for real, so, while the other party (parents) are in the room and not yelling, stick in there and try not to start yelling or running off. Remember the solution for a group is not going to be all in favour of the wants of a single member. If emotions get unmanageable, just call a halt to proceedings. But let it known it is a postponement of the discussion, not a capitulation or a dummy spit.
Also, do your parents know many of your friends and their parents. We made it a point with our children – it fosters friendships between families and lets parents become much more relaxed (or sometimes not) about the teenager going into particular environments. We’ve raised three sons who don’t drink but mix regularly with drinking peers, some who were drinking alcohol regularly from 15 years.

I’m not sure what’s to be accomplished here. It’s not our decision, it’s his parents’. The line should be drawn where they choose to draw it, Freerange or not. I may not agree with another parent’s rules, but I respect their right to make them (exceptions of course).

The best the young man can do is to make his point, which he seems pretty capable of doing, and accept the decision. A family isn’t a democracy, it’s an autocracy (or perhaps a biaucracy?)

btw, I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 21. And yeah, I felt like a green banded finch, but I survived.

i understand that its not the whole “its not that we don’t trust you its that we don’t trust them” thing but…. isn’t that the point? you need to trust your kids to deal with ‘them’. isn’t that what free ranging is for? isn’t that what parenting is for; teaching your children to deal with the world? if you don’t trust them to handle reality and the other people who inhabit it…doesn’t that mean you don’t trust them at all?

I once read a book about “educating your parents”. Actually, my mum gave it to me when I turned 14. It more or less came to say that parents love heir children irrationally and so try to keep them safe from everything, with the drawback that they are older and more experienced than teenagers, and so their idea of “danger” is, unfortunately, more accurate.
So the book taught me to introduce my friends in my parents’ house, first one by one and then as a gang. That sorted the “I don’t trust those buddies you got yourself” claim.
I chatted my head off every evening, telling each little thing that happened that day. And always ask for their opinion on any decision I had to make (That sorts out the “growing away from us” concept that hurts them so much and makes them cling on to you so fiercely).
When I went out, I would spend half an hour telling them where I was going, with whom, what time I would get home (we had no curfew), and what were my means of transport. It was tedious, sometimes humilliating, but it paid off.
You just have to build trust. And NEVER break it. You can’t restore it, you see. And, as they say in my country, “you catch a liar faster than a crippled”. You won’t get away with lies, so I would advise to confess the ones you told them before they find out.

I think the parents are being way over-paranoid, personally. If this kid is old enough to drive, then he’s going to be old enough to do whatever he wants (except drink) in less than two years; do they honestly expect him to do that much extra growing up in that time? Unless he’s completely BSing here, he’s already smart and self-aware and has his head screwed on straight, with a pretty conservative outlook. What, exactly, are his parents worried is going to happen?

Another thought is that they have what sounds like an excellent kid, as communicative and straight-arrow as any uptight parent could want, and through their own actions they’re driving him to lie to them and sneak around behind their backs. Way to go, folks.

Bottom line, once your kid is that age, they’re going to do anything they strongly want to do. Short of chaining them to the wall, their parents can’t stop them. The effective strategy at that point is for the parents to work with the kid to provide feedback and help point out possible pitfalls and things to watch out for, make sure they know how to handle emergencies and unexpected glitches — basically act as a sounding board for the kid’s plans. If you have a good relationship with your kid to start with, they’ll be more likely to listen and consider your input and point of view when they decide what to do and how to do it. Trying to act all authoritarian and dictatorial just results in, well, your kid lying to you and sneaking around behind your back. [shrug]

Some parents seem to prefer the illusion of absolute control (which tends to include the lying and sneaking as a special bonus gift) over the reality of the older teen making his or her own decisions, making their own mistakes, and sometimes choosing to do things the parents have said they’d prefer the kid not do. It can be tough to acknowledge that you’re not in complete control anymore, but allowing the reality to exist in the open (rather than hiding it behind the “I’m Really In Control” mask) allows for maximum knowledge and communication, which leaves the parents in the best position to jump in and help of something does go catastrophically wrong.

Angie

I was in a similar situation as the writer when I was growing up. I’ll echo some of the things other people have said: 1) Stop lying to your parents. You will get caught and then what little trust they had will truly be gone, and for good reason. Don’t give them ammunition to use against you. 2) Keep your chin up. And talk to your parents. By being open and honest with them, you demonstrate that you appreciate how they’ve raised you. You need to prove to them that they did a good job. Parents always doubt whether they reared their children properly. You’ve got your head on straight, so try and keep it that way. The fact that you’re aware of your situation is actually beneficial to you. You can cope with it constructively, instead of acting out. And you’re not missing anything by not having a girlfriend at 16. We’re not worth dating at that age. I doubt any of them would be mature enough for you anyway.

Meanwhile, parents need to understand how much this kind of thing influences the “good kids.” As I said, I grew up in a similar situation. Although I graduated college, I still live at home at 24. Even now, I feel like I can’t do things without the emotional/mental support of my parents. Pretty much everything I’ve done with my life has been to make them proud — it was how I showed them that I appreciated all they’ve done for me. But I still don’t like doing things that they’re against — things, mind you, that are perfectly normal, safe, reasonable things. We’re not talking outlandish ideas like selling all my worldly posessions and backpacking through Bangladesh. I just wanted to move from Philadelphia (where I live) to Colorado (where I did an AmeriCorps program and where I had a support system) and they listed every reason possible as to why it might not work, despite the fact that it actually could work. So here I am. Still in Philadelphia and missing Colorado every day.

I’m sure I’ll understand this better when I have children. And I’ll grant that it’s far easier said than done. But if parents want to raise children who are independent, stable, capable individuals … then you need to let them be independent, secure, capable individuals. Not all at once, maybe. But eventually, you have to go all the way. Do not burden your children by being emotionally dependent on them. They’ll never leave and have lives of their own. And it’s a detriment to the parents too: their children will feel obligated to stay and take care of parents who don’t need taking care of.

When I was a teenager, my mother told me how her parents had made arbitrary rules about not going out with this or that friend, and as a result she used to lie to them, going so far as climbing out of windows to get to parties. She still, in her 40s, thought her parents had acted irrationally, and so she wanted me to know that she didn’t want me to have to lie to her. She thought it would be safer to know where I was, rather than stop me from doing something, and have me lie to her and do it anyway. If she knew the kid and the parents, she would certainly not have prevented me from going to someone’s house just because the parents weren’t there.

It seems to me the elephant in the room is sex – that’s why people think they can trust their own teenager with all sorts of responsibility at home, but not trust two teenagers together in a house without an adult present. Frankly I don’t see what’s so wrong with sexual exploration between two teenagers. They’re going to do it when they get to college anyway. Make sure they’re well-informed, not lacking in confidence in themselves, and they won’t be pressured into anything they don’t want to do.

I also disagree with the belittling of teenage relationships. My teenage relationships were very intense (and I’m not talking about sex). Not the sort of things that could have lasted a lifetime, but they certainly informed my future relationships. I’m glad I had such relationships within the protective environment of school where I’d know everyone for years and years, before heading off to college where I was surrounded by strangers.

I highly recommend this kid watch the Frontline documentary, Inside the Teenage Brain and then understand why his parents are doing what they are doing. I also totally agree in contacting the parents of the house where the kids will hang out to make sure THEY know what’s going on. How many parties are held at the house where the parents are away? It just seems like common courtesy to me.

I’m sure this writer thought he’d get all the support he needed in proving that his parents were in the wrong but frankly, it sounds to me like his parents are just doing their job.

And I agree with KSB. Bring your friends over so your parents can meet them and know and trust them too.

Have you ever wondered if it is the friends you hang with that your parents don’t like and are nervous about you staying out late with them?
Thus when either child argued that a ‘friend’ made them do anything I explained the actions, consequences and personal accountability in such matters,
Am I an expert in Parenting? No and I doubt there is such a creature. But what I have accumulated from experience and observation over the years of other parents and kids has given me an idea of what works and what does not. I also had the advantage of being old enough to be the parent of the parents of my children’s friends.

A long while ago when my children were in early teens another parent accused me of giving my children too much freedom. I thought about this for a while and then responded thus; One give freedom to an anumal or a prisoner. I prefer to give my kids trust and if that trust is betrayed then I will deal with it accordingly.

My children never had a curfew and they themselves decided being tired at school the next morning was not worth staying out late. If you want to smoke then you can smoke at home. If you want to drink then you can drink at home. If you sample drugs then let us know and what you think of it. Both kids sampled weed, crack and probably another couple but they did tell us. Neither one liked the stronger drugs and again decided themselves they would not try them any more. Marijauna was enjoyed by our boy but he waited until he was sixteen plus before he tried it again. However he would ofyen call to say he wasn’t driving home and would I mind if he smoked. I would simply reply that this is your decidion but I woulr prefer you didn’t. When the daughter was of dating age I made sure she carried condoms. Why? because in my experience most ‘first times’ are spontaneous and the guys are never prepared. Itwasn’t so much about pregnancy but more about Aids and other STDs.
In short the forbidden fruit is always sweetest. It is not enough today to just say no. Temptation and peer pressure are tremendous these days far more than when I was young so why make temptation even more attractive by forbidding it. Rather explain the ramifications of their actions and remind them that they are accountable for their own actions and their consequences.
I now have two industrious adults who have never been in trouble with the law for any reason. Who love their parenmts and constantly tell them so. So how does this help the young man? Perhaps show them this reply and ask them to show trust. BUT if they agree DO NOT betray that trust. Show them you can be responsible in many things through the day. Discuss your thoughts, do not argue them. Make sure you do chores or help out around the house without being asked or told. In other words give your parents a reason to trust you.
Good luck.

I will be starting a blog wuth the title of

HOW TO GROW UP
with your child(ren)

I hope you will join me.

Stu

No one has offered the most obvious advice … Christmas is coming and what better gift for your parents than Lenore’s book which inspired you to write to her in the first place? Having the book as a neutral third party will be a great place to begin the discussion. Hmmm I wonder how I could get *my* teens to give me the book. 😉

My cousin went through a lot of hardship his last few years of high school because his mother was controlling, manipulative, etc. It was a rough thing for him to go through. He also didn’t date until long past the norm. Etc. This was the time period during which my cousin and I became close friends via phone (I’m about 15y older than him, am married and now mom to 8 kids, though I had 4 when we first became friends instead of just cousins).

That friendship was a gift to both of us. We reconnected our family ties and enjoyed getting to know each other. We discussed all sorts of topics from the meaning of life to life’s struggles to the joys and sorrows of being a teen vs an adult. I supported him through his struggles with his mom, through his parents’ divorce, etc. I kept reminding him that while his mother was difficult and irrational (she truly was), he would respect himself more if he found a way to honor her during those last years at home. We kept a running countdown of how many months he had left at home before FREEDOM. The days sometimes went slowly for him and the injustices were deeply felt.

But you know what? He did survive it, the years did pass faster than the days had made it seem, and he went onto college and adulthood where he has done amazing things. So he never dated until college and beyond … but he did live in Egypt and Uganda for a semester each (back to Egypt again as an adult for 6m), bummed around Africa, nearly drowned in Lake Victoria, had adventures most of us could only dream about. He used to call me at ungodly hours of the day due to the time difference and we’d talk for a few hours about life, the universe and everything. Deep philosophical talks that were just so awesome.

I btw was always a bit relieved I wasn’t his mom because it allowed me to worry about him a ton less. 😉 Seriously, this kid has some stories that knock off decades from a mother’s life. Great adventure experiences. I admire it in him … and hope if my kids follow his path, he will be there to support *me* through that! LOL

But anyway, I bring him up in part because he spent a lot of time feeling bad about the lack of social life he’d had and the lack of dating etc. He was longing for a girlfriend. We talked through that a lot. Ultimately, he found an amazing woman to share his life and its been a great gift that he was able to go into his marriage with a whole heart. That has been a huge blessing for them in their marriage.

My thought is … don’t get so hung up in the details. Don’t let your parents define who you are, you know it deep inside. You may feel like you are dying a thousand deaths because of lack of freedom or the slow passage of time. Hey, I still feel that way when I’m in the middle of a miserable situation. That’s part of life. But while the days pass slowly, the years pass quickly. Be patient with yourself, you don’t have to be perfect. Angst is a normal expected ordinary part of teenagerhood. Embrace it to the extent it needs. Best advice … play lots of music in minor keys, write passionate poetry, find some sort of expression for it all. The passion and depth you feel as a teen is a *gift*.

The rest of life will unfold one day at a time. Perhaps like my cousin you will find yourself chest deep in adventures that span the globe. Your parents won’t always define the parameters of your life. GIve them and yourself the respect you all deserve during this stage in your life and recognize it for what it is, a stage … a transitory time that passes and moves on. Your parents aren’t perfect and that is awesome … because it means you don’t have to be perfect either. In their humanity, they will make mistakes. Forgive them and love them anyway.

Life has so much to it and there will always be things that suck about life. But life is still deep. Live it with passion (speaking of that intangible emotion, not merely the physical) … not just when things are easy, but *all* the time. I’ve personally been through a heck of a lot in my lifetime. One of the things I’ve come to appreciate is that *every* experience, both good and bad, has helped shape me into the person I have become. And that is not a bad thing, even though some of the things that happened truly were bad things. My motto in life is … “a life deeply lived.” That’s what I want on my tombstone. Start looking beyond the next couple years. Life is about so much more than the teen years, thank God for that!

So give your parents the book, keep lines of communication open, try to find out the “whys” behind their decisions, respect them as the current authority in your life, continue earning their trust, keep becoming the man you are growing to be, and hang onto the fact that this too shall pass…

Sorry if this is a duplicate… didn’t show up before, though:

I think that parents who want to teach their kids to wait on sex until marriage — not until college — will have a very different approach to these kinds of rules from parents who have accepted that it will happen in college anyway.

Yes, rules should relax as the kid gets older, but the corollary to that is that they should start out stricter. And rules teaching adolescents to be careful with the opposite sex don’t start at age 6; they start in the early teens.

My hope for my kids when the time comes is that as I relax rules, they will continue to be careful about situations they put themselves in. Even as adults, my then-fiance and I had very limited time alone together.

BTW, I remember being a teen — I’m only twenty-five and actually appreciate my parents’ rules about riding in cars with teenagers and about double-dating.

Free Range doesn’t mean childhood without rules. Parents still have a responsibility to be parents.

i do believed that you are responsible enough and matured enough to make such decisions but accept the fact that its not the point …sweety your parents trust you ….but they dont trust people around you …they are aware that they dont have any hold on the people around you….they loved you so much and each parent will feel the same and do the same specially nowadays ….the only way that you will be able to understand the way they feel is when the time when you became a parent like them ….trust me sweety ,,based on my own experienced

And I am also shocked to see fake statistics like condoms fail 15% of all times… Since when? Please teach your kids correct statistics and not the ones from obscure religions right wing websites or whereever you got this number from.

I mean seriously. We need a new blog for FRT (free range teenagers), since I am shocked how many parents are willing to discredit their own 16 year olds as being immature, not knowing, irresponsible… If you are not trusting his friends and people around him, you are indeed not trusting him in finding appropriate friends.

My husband’s mother was overprotective to him as he was a teenager, no sex education, no open talk, same opposite sex rules, not trusting friends… when I moved in with him, she cried for days about him losing his innocence, because we were not married… she then send us a package with contraceptive information and condoms…
HE WAS 31 AT THAT TIME. And I was 30. How ridiculous.

Also, @Katja, that’s hysterical, and @Sky, check your facts!!!

If you want to raise compitent self assured adults by the time they are 18 you need to give them the opportunity to make small mistakes while they are young. If you never have to make hard choices while you are a teenager, and are never allowd to fail how are you going to become a self relient confident adult.
When you overprotect you need to figure out who you are protecting, what is your motivation and is that really what you want to teach them.

My advice to the kid as a parent and former kid is– 1) first ask yourself what will happen if you get caught lying to your parents: if the consequences are dire, you probably want to stop, y’know. Because there’s no way to protect yourself from not getting caught. 2) Ask your parents to tell you about their experiences as teenagers. Ask them what it is they are afraid of. 3) Are you allowed to go places other than people’s homes with friends? Because that would be my solution to the parental supervision problem– what if you went to the park, or whatever? By the way, as a former teenage girl, I suspect someone in your shoes should be looking for a girlfriend who is cautious about personal girl safety– which will likely mean NOT being with a group of teen guys at someone’s house with no adults home. For a young woman, having reliable backup in case a guy does some that makes her uncomfortable is important, and a girl who’s using her smarts knows that. (And what would you do with a girlfriend who doesn’t use her smarts? BORRING!)

So, from about 4-12, its all about fostering your kid’s freedom and encouraging independence and all that good stuff.

But as soon as they have their 13th birthday, BOOM! They can’t be trusted.

Interesting,

“And I am also shocked to see fake statistics like condoms fail 15% of all times”

Pregnancy rates for typical use is 10-18% a year. I just put down somewhere in the middle for that.

Condoms reduce the risk of transmitting AIDS by 85%, not 100%.

They decrease the risk of transmitting HPV by 70%, not by 100%.

These are not statistics from a right-wing religious website, but from the New England Journal of Medicine.

There may be a 3% failure rate for pregnancy with PERFECT use, but in REALITY, few people use a condom perfectly every single time they have sex. Thus the typical failure rate.

I managed to get pregnant using a condom, even after multiple correct uses. So I know it happens. (And I thank the failure for my beautiful little boy.)

People don’t always pause to get things “perfect,” as you can imagine, especially not teenagers.

I’m not opposed to teaching kids how to use condoms. I’m opposed to implying that it’s always going to be effective, and I’m suggesting that since this kid is so gung-ho to “get” a girlfriend, his parents may be concerned he is going to get a girlfriend pregnant, and maybe he ought to address those fears with them directly and talk about his plans and intentions with regard to sex, what preventative measures he would take if he did have sex, both for emotional and physical protection of him and his partner. That might ease their fears somewhat, if he really is responsible, and not just looking to get laid.

Sky. This is bogus. Please send a link. Who was the author of the article? Wo is the editor? One source does not make it fact and I just googled and did not read or find it in that magazine, so I assume you lied until you prove that you did not. You did not even bother to put down a context of these statistics with HPV and HIV.

This so false it makes me angry that people really believe this and mislead and falsly educate other people. In particular teenagers. And this in the 21st century. I cannot believe it…

Katja – education isn’t a panacea for correct condom use, though it’s very important. People who know how to use condoms correctly still frequently don’t do so.

I’m all for sex positive education, but I think it ought to be realistic about how people actually have sex. Sky was incorrect to say that condoms “fail”, they rarely actually fail, people fail to use them correctly. But teenagers (and most adults) don’t have sex in clinical conditions, real world rates aren’t an unreasonable thing for them to know (if only because it reinforces the importance of using them correctly).

@Katja: A quick search of the mayo clinic website backs up the 15% failure rate Sky quoted http://tinyurl.com/yf8dhyt

The New England Journal of Medicine is the most widely recognized publication of its type and is, if I recall correctly, a peer-reviewed scientific magazine. Authors in the NEJM don’t just through random numbers around without the research to back it up. I couldn’t find a link to the original NEJM article, but here’s a reprint of it by the World Health Organization http://tinyurl.com/yjqggt9

Your response seems more than a bit harsh, especially considering that the stats Sky quoted are pretty readily available. 🙁

Sadly, I fall into the free-range until teenager category. Only my parents became religious fundamentalists too. When I turned 13. Words cannot describe. The harder they came down on me and the more restrictive their rules became, the better I got at getting around them. I took many risks I otherwise would not have, and ended up in some dicey situations because I was desperate for a tiny sliver of freedom. To this day, I hold my parents at arm’s length because I do not trust them emotionally and cannot bring myself to trust their judgment. You cannot give a child a free-range childhood and then suddenly take that away upon adolescence. It is a very fundamental betrayal. How can a teen trust his/her parents when they have suddenly decided, for no particular reason other than age, that he/she is untrustworthy? That is a wonderful way to destroy a relationship.

I can understand not wanting your teen to be alone in someone else’s house without the parents’ permission. You don’t know if the parents approve of having unsupervised teens in their home and it’s important to respect other people’s rules. The same with having teens in your own home who are unsupervised–I can imagine a scenario where you give the okay and then get a screaming phone call from the friend’s parent berating you for allowing the kids to be alone together. If both kids are mature I can see allowing it but *only* if you get the okay from the other parents first.

In terms of free-range teens, this discussion is reminding me of my own teen years. By the time I was 16 I was going to punk clubs, hanging out in friends’ houses unsupervised and getting into a lot of crazy situations (but not having sex, interestingly enough–that didn’t happen until I was 18). I also went to an Ivy League college and have grown up to be a pretty responsible adult. I cringe when I think of my son doing everything that I did, but OTOH, those are memories I really treasure and despite some close calls I had a whole lot of fun. So I’m not sure how I’m going to handle things 14 years from now, but it should be interesting.

Everything I have read seems to indicate that the best thing to do is give increasing amounts of freedom as they grow older, not the other way around. Doesn’t mean you let them run amok, but if you trained them in responsibility as a young child, you need to give them a chance to prove themselves. If you are worried about what they will get into, then educate them! Talk to them about drugs, safe sex, safety, etc. But sooner or later, they need to learn that actions have consequences. I never had a curfew – sometimes I stayed out until 4am on weekends. But I had a straight A average and a weekend job. My parents had 2 iron clad rules:
-Call us and tell us where you are and who you are with. If you change your plans, call again. (and I did this, even without a cell phone, as they weren’t around back then)
-Call us anytime, day or night, if you feel unsafe and want us to get you – no questions asked.

With those two rules, they felt they knew where I was, and that I had an out if someone I was with was doing something stupid. They also made it clear that if I got busted by the police (my dad was a cop) that my rear end would stay in jail overnight. Somehow, I managed to stay out of trouble. Wasn’t too hard really – just needed some guidelines and a little bit of trust.

Love the look of your blog, how did you manage this? Great writing!

http://twitter.com/lindsaylorusso

p.s. the kid sounds like he has his head on his shoulders. Just ask him to not get into a car with kids or anybody that has been drinking. I almost lost my lil cuzz that way. She wasn’t drinking bu the driver was she was in comma for 3 weeks. other than that let him go like i said be there to pick him up dust him off talk about send him back on out there

I would encourage the writer to invite his friends to his home often so that his parents can truly see that they’re as mature as their son. Maybe then they wouldn’t so hesitant to let their son go over alone. As the mother of teenage sons, I always encourage my kids to have friends over so I can get to know them. It takes time but it has allowed me to see which ones are mature and have a good head on their shoulders and which ones don’t!

http://shady80baby.blogspot.com t he cool kids

Wow! Where to start? To the parents: The most important thing we can do for our children besides protecting and nurturing them is to give them the skills to protect and nurture themselves!

When a parent is fearful, as we all are, even if we don’t show it, we have to be careful not to project the message: “I don’t think you are capable of taking care of yourself.” Fear is never a good motivator.

I would suggest to YOU, the incredibly mature teenager that wrote this letter, to propose that your parents give you some more freedom bit by bit with a measure of ACCOUNTABILITY so they can build up their trust and learn to trust that THEY have done a good job in raising you! Since they ARE afraid, they will need baby steps.

Driving responsibility tied to GPA, and a job to pay for insurance, gas, etc. is a great way to establish accountability and the responsibility needed for adulthood and making good choices. When teenagers need to pay for car insurance and maintenence, they learn to drive safely and care for a vehicle. This built in accountability is a powerful motivator! One of the scariest, yet most necessary things I ever did was to get in the passenger seat while my daughters were learning to drive! Yikes!!!

We have to be careful as parents (I have three grown daughters and my oldest grandchild is 16 this year) not to give too much freedom without accountability and too little with none. It is like the tango and no one ever gets it quite right without a lot of practice and risk-taking.

It seems your parents are very caring and have done a wonderful job, now they have to prove it to THEMSELVES and let you fly a little!

This is THEIR right of passage as much as it is YOURS!

I can’t wait to hear about your accomplishments in the future, because from my perspective, you are an awesome communicator!

Good Luck!
Granny Pants

The earlier comments on this post really surprise me because several respondents have written about having children and “getting them through” their 18th birthdays and such. I speak as an 18-year-old myself, but isn’t growing up supposed to be more of a work in progress between parents and children, not a game of one party controlling the other?
As for advice, I think that complete honesty and good listening on both ends are the best ways to maintain peaceful relationships.

Oh- and I totally agree with other parents that the main issue here is not you, but other kids and their parents…

http://thenewcomer.wordpress.com/2009/11/09/mothers-like-coffee/

Hayley,
If you don’t want to be 30, still living with your parents, and unable to function without them, GET OUT now. Go to Colorado! You need to learn to function on your own, and they need to learn that it is good for you to.
That’s not the only route. You went for it. I grew up the same way and just learned not to respect the opinions of my parents, since their messages were all inconsistent, and they refused to respect me. I learned that it was just something to endure until I could get out. And I learned not to tell them anything I could avoid. I’m not saying this is the right way – I think both methods suck, but either way, you get through it.
And you have GOT to get out of that situation and change your method if you want things to ever be different.

parents will trust a teen when they realize that they’re actually an adult. Be upfront, don’t take crap, and fight for what you really believe in. I was raised as on a free range farm as well, but unlike you, I broke a lot of the rules that were set for me. Although my parents never deemed me responsible and we often fought, I had some of the most amazing experiences when I was your age (which was only 3 years ago so I can remember!). And honestly, I truely believe I wouldn’t be the same person without them. It’s time to grow up and show them you’re a man. Even if you’re not quite there, believing yourself to be one is an important step in getting there. You have pleanty of time to be responsible and do the right thing — you shouldn’t miss out on the craziness of the teen years. You won’t get them back.

Wow, I would say that is a mature teen. Some good advice in the comments.

One should respect decisions of a young adult and teach him/her responsibility as s/he is an Individual! Practicing over caring by parents and lacking trust will develop complexes in an individual and will make his/her life harder as later s/he won’t be able to make own decisions or act in a way which would be against parents’ norms and values (sometimes antisocially) in order to escape their influence and regain personal freedom. Therefore, it’s very important for a parent to talk with a child, understanding his/her needs and views, to explain what a child doesn’t get fully (but only in the form of discussion and logical reasoning). I don’t know if parents shared the real reason with a child of their fear to leave him alone with his friends without peers’ surveillance …
Anyway, if a person wants to do something s/he will manage to do it with or without any restriction … if a child didn’t do it it’s not because parents prohibit it but because of a child’s personal decision. Why do we still treat children as something which belongs to us … in fact, they just seek our support but not control …

I think the rules my parents had for me were overall pretty sensible. They always knew where I was, and people just didn’t go over to the homes of others if there was no adult there. This was in the 80’s. And no going into the bedrooms of the opposite sex,either; at least not beyond a short visit to see something difficult to remove from the room, like an aquarium.

They did want me to check in if I was going to be late. I didn’t feel overly restricted.