Mom Invents App to Disable Kids’ Phones if They Don’t Answer When She Calls

Absolutely pathetic. If you cannot trust your kid enough, that you need to do this.
1. You failed as a parent.
2. Your kid has not earned the right to be off on their own.

A friend posted this with a note that she’s getting it for her daughter’s phoone. I posted a “free range” response. She came back at me that she knows about the crime stars, as her husband works for the FBI. She does let her daughter come home alone afterschool. However, she pointed out that she handed her daughter a $700 phone and there were expectations that went with the priviledge. One was check when she gets home (not so free range), but after snack, there is homework and chores to do. The check in calls come rarely and there’s more phone playing than homework and chores. Since they have no home phone, taking the phone away while mom’s not home isn’t an option, in case something does go wrong (fires do happen). So, Mom’s rational isn’t for helecoptering, but for enforcing rules and teaching responsibility. I guess I can’t argue with that, too much. I did message back, however, that we know that most of the parents will use it to exert unnecessary, helicopter control.

I don’t have a huge problem with this. It is rude for the kids not to respond in a reasonable time, and this seems like a reasonable consequence. It’s not much different from simply taking there phone away. Now granted, it could be abused and ideally there would be enough respect that the child would respond appropriately without this.

One thing that people haven’t mentioned–regardless of who bought the phone with whose money, or the maturity level of the individual who’s using it, there are times and places where using a cell phone, or even keeping one turned on, is rude. Just off the top of my head, I can think of several–live performances, movies, worship services, weddings, funerals, school, work, courtrooms, yoga class (I teach yoga, and I don’t allow phones to be on in my class), the quiet section of any library, and that’s just what I could think of right now; I’m sure there are several others. So, in any of those cases, it would be wrong to punish a teenager for not answering their phone, if they were doing so in the context of observing proper cell phone etiquette. A lot of this is just about communication, though, because a lot of parents require their teenagers to give them at least a basic itinerary before leaving the house. So, if the young person’s plans included a movie, play, concert, worship service, yoga class, visit to the library, or any other place where it’d be rude to keep their phone on, the parent would know not to call during that time, and the whole thing would be averted.

We have a wireline phone. I’m not experienced with mobile phones for kids yet. I have 3 kids 14, 11, 9. We just turned on 1 spare phone for whatever kid if visiting a friend’s house or going on a field trip. It is a completely dumb flip phone. I turned off the internet access at the carrier because I don’t want to buy a data plan. I wonder if that might be an option? If the kids doesn’t follow the rules but you need a phone at home, what about the swapping it with the cheapest dumbest feature free phone? We’re using it as training wheels. If they lose or damage it, it’s cheap to replace.

“It takes away the texting, it takes away the gaming…”

So does taking away the phone!

She wanted the app because her kid didn’t answer her phone calls or her texts. THAT’s the nutty part. So what if you can’t reach your kid on the phone? The idea that we should be in constant contact with our children IS helicoptering.

When nobody had cell phones (honestly, not that long ago), we were accustomed to talking to someone LATER.

Back when we didn’t have cell phones, moms were at home in the same neighborhood where the kids went to school. Today, mom and dad work, often many miles away and children are sometimes bussed out of their own neighborhoods. I am grateful that I get received texts from my son after school so he can tell me where he is headed without me having to leave a meeting at work. As for the controls, I can turn his data and block certain numbers as a way of “grounding” him for not following rules but he still has the phone so he can contact family. It is great and not a form of helicopter parenting at all.

I agree with Patti Jo. This is not really a free range issue, but rather a respect for parents issue. Some people seem to think that free range means giving up parental oversight. Not true! Raising kids that can function in the adult world means that parents teach them respect for others and stamp out the sense of entitlement that many kids seem to have. If the parents paid for the phone, they can do whatever they want with it.

I think it would be better to find out why your kid did not answer before shutting it off. They may have had a good reason like they were in the movie or driving or talking to another adult in the middle of a conversation or sleeping or in the shower or did not hear it, etc. Plenty of reasons why.

I bought a pager with my own money when I was in high school (that dates me doesn’t it?). Out of courtesy I gave my mother the number and told her she could use it to get in touch with me if necessary. Well sometimes I would not get the page until an hour after she paged me due to backups on the tower. Usually happened around rush hour every day. The first time that happened when I finally got it and called her back, she had the balls to give me attitude about it. I explained to her I had just got the page and secondly I did not even have to give her the number. I bought it with MY money. I was trying to be the good kid by giving her the number so she could reach me and she had the balls to bitch to me about not responding immediately? Heck no.

She realized after I said that that she was in the wrong and apologized and never did it again. It comes down to if you trust your kid to be out unsupervised then you don’t need them to answer the phone every time you call. If you don’t trust them, then don’t let them leave the house in the first place.

I agree that this is manipulation. I have several matter manipulators in my family, all of whom wield quite a bit of power since nobody wants to face the consequences of inviting their wrath. They are all skilled at making their manipulative “deals” appear reasonable to people outside of the family who don’t understand the dynamics. This app smacks of a desire to control while appearing to others as a tool for a concerned parent. But it really seems unnecessary, can’t you immediately turn off service to the phone by contacting the carrier?

this would maybe teach the kids that if you get something for free there’s consequences attached.
That’s a great lesson to learn, one kids seem to not learn any longer.

Sure, taking the phone away completely is a better option, but this will do as a temporary measure until that can be done, or can it be locked out for like 10 minutes and then reenable itself? Now that’d be a nice touch.
Kid ignores mom and dad because he’s too busy playing angry bird, phone locks itself making him lose the game. Far more serious punishment for most modern kiddos than mom threatening to take their phones away because they know if they scream and whine a bit (especially in the supermarket) they’ll get anything they want because the parents are mortally afraid someone will call the cops and they (the parents) get arrested on suspicion of child abuse (because after all, any screaming child MUST be abused or they’d not scream, right?).

@Warren – while I do think the US overplays pride in its military, and I definitely think Bradley is too old to have his phone controlled – he should be paying for it himself, anyway, by his age – what is wrong with a woman being proud of her achievements? She sounds like she’s done a lot with her time, and good on her.

Some of us might think (as I do) that the second Iraq war was an absolute travesty visited on the Iraqi people, but that was the Bush government’s fault, not the fault of individual soldiers who are simply doing the job they’ve been instructed to do, and in rather trying circumstances.

Given the scenarios presented, it would seem the problems arise from the patent child relationship and not with the phone. If that relationship is based on manipulation, threats, and retaliation there is a very good chance your kid will ignore their patents’ calls. Building a strong healthy elationship from birth based on trust and consequences is better than responding heavy handedly retroactively. Turning off the phone remotely deals with the phone – not the kid.

I’m not viewed the viedo, but if app still allows emergency calls (911 or 999 or equivalent) or to phone the parent back (when the child is able to do so, if they are in a library or other quiet place) then I don’t have much of a problem with this.

My reaction would be different if the app turns the phone into a brick (temporarily or otherwise).

@hineata

Please do not put words in my mouth. I support our military personnel and the US military personnel. Always have always will.

My point is that this lady was a cop, military cop, still a cop, a mountain climber, and now created an app to gain control of her kids phone. At a quick glance this all screams a need of control. And this is exactly what this app is. Control and nothing more.

Yeah, I’m with Donna — if you want/need to reach your child, what does turning it off accomplish?

This comes down to WHY the kid isn’t answering. If this is a matter of a kid willfully, purposefully and repeatedly ignoring his parents, then I presume you just take the phone away (presuming that’s the cost of that privilege) whenever they show back up at home.

I have 2 kids, both college age. One is constantly attached to his phone, the other has a much more relaxed attitude about it. His phone broke his freshman year in college and he went a few months with either no phone or an old one that barely kept a charge. I was thrilled he didn’t “need” it that much.

So for me, when that kid doesn’t answer his phone, I’m almost relieved he’s not constantly got his nose in it. I have no reason to believe he’s “ignoring” me — that’s a completely different issue that shouldn’t be an ongoing thing that is dealt with by periodically disabling their phone?

BTW – my carrier (Verizon) allows you to disable the phone from their website. It’s available for when you lose or misplace your phone so no one else can use it (and can be reactivated if you find it). If you have a situation of abuse of having a phone and your kid is not living at home, you can always use that and you don’t even need an “app”.

Whats to stop a stalker from using this on their victim!

@anonymous, interesting questions about how it could/would work as not intended.

I took a look a the google play store just to see how much it was ($1.99) and noticed in the comments that it seems to render the security code on the “target” phone unusable and some kid already figured out that as long as you list someone in the ICE group, they can be used even when the phone is in ‘shutdown’ mode.

My mom linked on Facebook to a story about this app with a note to my mother in law that they should install it on my husband’s and my phones so we wouldn’t be able to ignore them. Of course, my mother in law would never be able to set it up without my husband’s help, so . . . . 😀

Not answering the phone or returning calls is rude. Kids who do this are rude. They are always within reach of their phones. It is the same as not answering their names at the dinner table.

@Dirk — I have a college aged kid who is NOT glued to his phone. I don’t want to create a situation with him (since his life does NOT revolve around his phone) that forces him to have it on his person at all times.

I do think the convenience of having mobile phones has create situations where decisions are made “real time” (instead of like when we were kids, agreeing to times/places/people in advance) and then if you can’t reach them, it is frustrating. We’ve just adopted the practice that everything is decided in advance, minimizing the reason to have to contact them at all. It doesn’t always work that way, but that’s the goal.

Scott, if the family has no land line, and they expect the phone to be used for emergency calls, what is accomplished by shutting it off? I don’t quiet get that one. Good for you standing up for free range principles!

Overall, I see times beyond what is listed when it is rude for parents to expect the kid to answer immediately. Like, for younger kids, if they are on the phone getting help or clarification on homework, or even on the phone with Grandma or other family member. Older teens may have a job, and if they are on the phone with their boss they shouldn’t be expected to drop that call and answer Mom or Dad. And then there is the fact that the older teen may be driving and not able to immediately pull over. (I have a stretch of road like that – there is a sidewalk but no area that a car can pull into that would be out of traffic except for someone’s driveway…which may lead to the cops being called for being male pulling into a driveway…) Most states it is illegal to be looking at that text or answering the phone while driving unless you have hands free options.

The same respect and courtesy that adults expect when on the phone should be given to kids whom parents feel are old enough to have a phone.

My oldest has a phone but isn’t tied to it. If I can’t reach him its usually because his battery died.
I don’t HAVE to reach him at all times as he could use a break from me and me from him. I won’t tether my kids to the phone like its a controlling invisible leash they must talk to.

Jen,
It is called ringtones. I have numerous numbers on my contacts for business. Each supplier, the shop, family and some friends all have specific ringtones. This way when I am busy, I can choose just by the ring which are a priority and which are not.
For example if I am waiting for an important call from a supplier, I can choose to ignore the rest, until I get the call I want.

I also have voice notification. Which goes “You have an incoming call/message from——–“.

Those are much better than having someone lock you out, because they feel they are the center of the universe.

One of the results of living with so many cell phones is the expectation that everyone be instantly available at all times. Occasionally, I will get an irate message from someone that is asking why I didn’t pick up the phone when they called or they just keep calling over and over. In every single case, there was a good reason. Either I didn’t know they were calling (spotty tower coverage) or I was somewhere where I could not answer (such as in court or a meeting).

I expect my kids to answer the phone, but I accept the fact that there may be a valid reason for them not answering. This happened with my daughter. We have her a phone this past year and there was a time when she didn’t answer. It turns out that she had plugged it in to recharge and had left it on vibrate and did not realize someone was calling. We explained that it is her responsibility to make sure that she can hear/feel her phone and that there will be consequences if it happens again. It hasn’t.

I’ll pass on this app. I think it is completely unnecessary.

I agree with Warren in that you don’t need an app to take care of managing a phone. If you can’t use the ring tones he’s suggested (or the kid had to silence a phone due to being in an office or classroom), can’t you just tell the kid they MUST look at their missed calls and texts? I can’t imagine that excuse is going to hold water more than once right?

Then again, maybe I don’t call/text my kids as much as others. For the ones that live with me (or while they are home from school), what can possibly change that much between when they leave for work or a social engagement that would require this type of “penalty” for not getting back to me?

If I text my kids “I’m going to the grocery store, do you want anything specific?” it’s no big deal if they don’t get back to me. If they are leaving the house for the evening, we make sure we know if they are coming home (or spending the night with a friend) and they know the curfew. Why do I need to talk to them again?

I’m not saying I’ve never been frustrated, but that’s completely my own impatience, not any real life need.

Reporter: “So how does her son feel about the idea?”
Bradley: “My mom’s a bitch.”
Reporter: “Cut feed! Ok, Bradley, let’s try that agin, this time try and be more supportive.”
Bradley: “I thought it was a good idea. But… for other people, not me.”
Reporter: “I guess thats the best were gonna do here.”

Warren – I’m familiar with ringtones/text tones and have my own phone set up that way. The problem I’m talking about is when my kid has had her phone turned off or put away somewhere, such as when she’s at a play rehearsal, and has a dozen or more notifications when she turns it back on. I’m not aware of any way to ensure mine are pushed to the top; I think they show up in reverse chrono order. Also, my kids tend to keep their phones on vibrate because they get so many notifications, so setting up different ringtones is of limited value there.

I hardly ever pick up the phone when my parents call… Thats why there is texting.

But seriously…. To be away from parents without a means to communicate is also something that needs to be learned. An cellphone isnt needed most of the time and its time for moms to realize that they need to learn to deal with their own fears without acting them out on their kids.

This app exhibits the main problem with society today – demand for instant gratification. Just because you call me at a certain time doesn’t mean that I have to want to talk to you at that time. I may be busy doing something else. I may just not want to talk on the phone at that time. I may just not want to talk to you at that time. The fact that I have a cell phone does not mandate that I have to talk on your schedule.

I agree that with children it is slightly different – there may be info you need, like hineata’s example for when the kid is expecting a ride. But, ultimately, if you tell your kid that they are free to do X until 5 and it is not yet 5, I don’t understand this demand that the kid MUST drop what s/he is doing and contact you before 5. Yes, it would be convenient if Jr. anwered your call so that he can stop and get milk on the way home rather than you havinf to run out but such is life. And if Jr. is not coming home at 5 like expected (that is why you are calling), then Jr. shouldn’t be free ranging.

Maggie,
Get off your high freaking horse.
1. Never said any kids were bad.
2. This is not being marketed to special needs purposes. It is being marketed as a way to control your kids. So drop the bs. I am sick and tired of “special needs” always being brought up, when we are talking about normal parenting.
3. What drugs are you on or should you be on?
4. You are pathetic, for always making things all about you and special needs, when special needs was never mentioned.

Jen
You have an over inflated sense of importance. What could be so all fired important that you have to lockout your kid’s phone for and embarass them in front of their friends. And don’t tell me because you’re the mom. That is a cop out.

I grew up in a time when there was no such thing as a cellphone. Instant contact meant being in earshot of home. If they couldn’t find me, and had to absolutely go somewhere of do something…………oh my god they left a note on the fridge. You know, pen and paper, and “Hey, couldn’t find you, had to run over to Grandma’s. Give us a call there. Luv Ya, Mom.”. It was just a life of horror, dread and complete anxiety. Sheesh.

Let’s see, if I really need to get a message to my kid, what do I do?

Oh wait the same as in business, I don’t just call and expect them to see my number, and rush to get back to me. I leave an actual message on their voicemail.

@pentamom, the comments (from me anyway) about an app not being necessary, is because your provider allows you to disable a phone from their website. It’s not for micromanaging the way your kid uses their phone, but rather if you’ve misplaced it or it’s been stolen or lost (it can be re-activated if it’s been located).

To me, if you want or need to reprimand your child to be more responsive (if you’ve concluded that they are purposefully and willfully ignoring you) than taking a phone away for a period would do the same thing? If the suggestion of the APP (and that’s the sense I get from the Mom/developer) allows you to toggle the service on/off, then you are by definition micromanaging them.

When my oldest got his provisional license (only 1 other person in the car, driving curfew), I played around with the verizon service to track his phone briefly. To this day (my son is now in his 20s) he talks about that as something that really bothered him about how I expected him to do something bad. I only used it to actually track him once (he was late coming from a football game and I thought it made more sense to do that rather than trying to call him in case he was driving) and then just canceled the whole thing. But he still remembers it. Clearly I would know he was going to be late the minute he was…well..late. I didn’t need the phone to confirm it, lol.

I’ve googled this App and there are a number of articles about it and many of them include very negative descriptors like “how to be the most unpopular Mom”, etc.

But like many products featured here…someone is attempting to make money off this kind of control.

BTW, apparently this isn’t “do able” on an iPhone so it’s only available for Android (based on googling).

Not only does the concept of a child turning the tables on mom come to mind, I jump to the idea of domestic violence. It’s a scary thought that someone who can exert control upon another, can disable that person’s phone.

I won’t be getting this app. My job as a parent is to teach my kids how to be kind, thoughtful and productive adults. I don’t believe this is done by basically bullying them with my power to do this or that to them if they don’t do as I wish. I believe that you get what you expect. If you expect them to act respectfully, eventually they will, IF you respectfully make your expectations clear. I also believe that kids are people and due the respect that we give other people. I would never turn off the phones of my husband or best friend if they didn’t answer. It’s a crazy thought! Also, once in awhile I call my boys with a nice offer to take them to Gamestop or some other place they like to go, or to ask their opinion on something like a family vacation… If they don’t answer, they miss out and I certainly let them know about what/why they missed out.

“To me, if you want or need to reprimand your child to be more responsive (if you’ve concluded that they are purposefully and willfully ignoring you) than taking a phone away for a period would do the same thing? If the suggestion of the APP (and that’s the sense I get from the Mom/developer) allows you to toggle the service on/off, then you are by definition micromanaging them. ”

If you can take the phone away, and give it back at your own discretion, you are accomplishing exactly the same thing. No, you don’t need an app to do it. But apps are by definition for things we don’t absolutely need apps for, but choose to use an app to do.

I am not justifying micromanaging, I am simply saying that this app does nothing that taking the phone away and giving it back when you choose does.

And by being disrespectful, I don’t mean that not instantly answering the phone is disrespectful. I mean that kids can be disrespectful by not answering the phone and that the rules for not answering your parents’ calls are not the same as not answering calls in general (i.e., “I don’t feel like talking to that person right now” does not cut it when your parents are calling.) It does not seem like an unreasonable consequence to take away a phone if the child is not using it in an appropriate, polite, and mature manner, if that child is still young enough to be disciplined concerns matters of maturity and politeness. And this is no different, *inherently,* from taking away a phone for abuse.

That said, I agree that the thing is being marketed as a helicopterish thing, that the mom behind it seems to have helicpoterish motivations, and that I think the world would have gone on quite fine without it. I simply mean two things:

1. Disabling a phone with an app is not inherently different from taking it away, and the fact that you don’t need an app to do what the app does has never been a good reason (in and of itself) for an app not to exist, and

2. It is not necessarily inherently micromanaging to, by some means, deprive your child of the use of a phone, if the child is using the phone to disrespect/disobey her parents, and that lazily or defiantly not answering a parent’s call or text when the child is reasonably able to do so, is disrespectful.

“It does not apply to phones, because you have no idea of what is going on at that moment. You are not there.”

It applies just as much, it’s just that you’re not able to judge how it applies at the moment it’s happening.

So of course you don’t automatically cut off a kid when the kid doesn’t answer. But if the kid has a pattern of not answering for no good reason, you have a respect problem. And this is one way to address it — if you can’t do X respectfully, you’re not responsible enough to do X. Sometimes you don’t find that out until after you give the kid the privilege, and he excuses it.

I like this one, since our kid is really hard to get in touch with. Our problem though can’t be fixed by this app. She’s not not responding out of willfulness, but, rather, because she often keeps her ringer off and isn’t constantly checking her phone for texts. We just have to wait and wait until she bothers to look at her phone.

In the end we’re pretty much okay with her *not* constantly checking her phone–she’s off having fund with her friends, which is what we want her to do.

And to just piggy back on my last post…it seems to me that this is part of “call me back because I said so” as opposed to any real or legit NEED for a parent to speak to the kid. That can’t possibly happen very often because until about 10 year ago, this wasn’t possible. Suddenly parents have a real, legitimate reason to be in constant contact?

My son recently went to FL with his g/f’s family for a week. He accidentally dropped his phone into the salt water while fishing on day 2. He called me from his g/f’s phone, told me what happened and that if I needed anything to call his g/f’s phone for the week (and he’d deal with a replacement when he got back). I think he texted a photo or 2 during the week he was gone, but I cannot think of a single reason why I would need to speak with him outside of a death in the family and thankfully that didn’t happen.

Are parents just testing their kids “manners” or are they really NEEDING to talk to their kids that much? If I’m late to pick up a kid and text them that, then it’s their own stupidity for not checking their messages once they notice I’m late.

Warren – I’m not making excuses; I’m considering whether a piece of technology might be useful to my family (for what it’s worth, I think not in this case). That’s what technology is for. Feel free to go back to the pony express if you like.

“A child who persistently gives no response in a reasonably timely fashion to a parent calling or texting on the phone is being disrespectful and rude.”

I absolutely do not see not responding to a phone call as being disrespectful or rude, no matter who you are. In fact, I think that it is kinda rude that parents are contacting their children while they are out and about so often that they can show a “persistent” refusal to respond and that may be why they are getting no response. Either you trust your kid to wander free or you need to check up on your kid all the time. Which is it?

I just can’t imagine that there is anything that dang important to talk to your kids about repeatedly. Sure, every once in awhile you may need something important, but not regularly. Let your kids be when they are out having fun.

It wasn’t too many years ago that we all got along just fine as a society without this need to stay in constant contact with each other. A time when not returning a phone call within 24 hours was considered rude, now, god forbid you go 24 minutes.

“So you have no problem with enacting a form of punishment, with absolutely no info, other than you are pissed or inconvenienced.”

No. I’m saying this doesn’t have to be done as a result of “absolutely no info” any more than taking the phone away does. Using an app to turn off a phone instead of picking it up and putting it where the kid can’t get it doesn’t force you to do it more hastily or for different reasons. Why would it?

pentamom – Maybe it is just because I am not a huge phone user in general, but I don’t think not answering a phone call or text is ever rude or disrespectful. Frustrating certainly in many instances, but not rude or disrespectful. I just don’t see how someone not wanting to drop what they are doing to talk to you is somehow rude on their part. And why can’t kids just need a break from talking to their parents? God knows that I did when I was a teen. That was probably why I left the house to do something else start with. Why is wanting to just be left alone for a couple hours rude or disrespectful?

But I also don’t provide my child a cell phone so that I can contact her. That can be a handy side benefit, but I really provide her a cell phone so that she can communicate with the outside world. We do not have, or will we ever have, a land line (house phone jack is broken and I’m not paying to have it fixed). Right now, her phone never leaves the house – it is for her to contact me if she needs to while she is home alone – but one day soon she will have more of a need for a phone and I will get her a better one for her benefit.

“Why people think that it’s perfectly okay for younger kids not to answer their parents when their parents want their attention, regardless of medium, I do not understand.”

In my view, you’ve given your children the freedom to be away from you – to be free range, to handle things on their own, to enjoy themselves without you. To then demand their attention during that time, outside of an emergency, is rude.

It is sort of like work. My boss (when I had one) could insert himself into my work time whenever he wanted. It would be totally rude for me to just ignore him and not answer his calls, emails or texts. It is not rude to ignore him on the weekend. It is actually kinda rude for him to interrupt my weekend. I can understand that sometimes a legitimate need is there, but that really should only arise rarely.

I don’t see that taking away their phone and disabling it remotely are the same thing at all. In the case of the latter, there is not really any chance to get an explanation. I just don’t like this zero tolerance system of discipline and don’t really see it as being effective.

My first thought was “isn’t that dangerous”?

I don’t want to sound paranoid, but the cautious side of me loves the technology of cell phones allowing us so much accessibility in the event of an emergency. I plan to make the primary purpose of giving my daughter a future phone is so she can contact me (or vice versa). No way would I disable that useful bit of technology.

Find another way to discipline your child.

Really, Glen? What if your kid is in the bathroom, or in class, or at practice, or just doing something that doesn’t involve staring at his phone? I just don’t believe that not answering the phone during any of those activities is justification for you creatively destroying the phone.

I can see these types of controlling parents now trying to get onstar to disable the car because their kid is late, or according to the tracker the car has been parked by the lake too long.

Control and manipulation are control and manipulation no matter how you dress them up.

Jeez Warren. Why so personal? ADULTS should be able to rationally discuss issues with respect. Sounds like little Warren is still mad at his mommy…
Oops. Did I just ignore my own advice. 🙂

15 seconds of thought and I see several problems with this (beyond the idea that any child under about 15 should have a phone at all…)
There are tons of legitimate reasons not to answer the phone, including being in the bathroom or doing something that requires both hands. Or being on another call?
Mom probably knows when a kid’s in class, but suppose there’s a family emergency that does mean the parents need to get ahold of a child. Child’s in class and not able to answer. Then s/he sees a missed call but can’t return it to find out that something’s happened? Crazy!

I spoke to my 19 yo about this last night. He thought it was silly and unnecessary. This is my kid that isn’t attached to his phone at all moments of his life (and I like it that way — I have another who is and find it far more annoying). He said if he was hanging out with his friends and they were (for example) playing video games, he can certainly picture a situation where he would have put his phone down (and on silent) and ignored it for awhile. He said if he picked it up and noticed I’d called/texted he would then call me back. He thought there would be ZERO difference between having to call me to activate his phone or just noticing that I had tried to reach him and replying.

In other words, it would serve no purpose. If he doesn’t look at his phone for an hour, it doesn’t matter if it’s disabled or if I have an unread msg sitting there for him.

As I said, I have another kid who spends WAY WAY too much time “looking at his phone”. I think my kid who is less attached has a much healthier approach to the technology.

“I only call when it’s necessary for me to contact them, which includes reminders of appointments, meeting places etc,”

But isn’t the whole point of free range kids for kids to be responsible and do these things on their own without needing mommy to call to remind them? It is like we are only sort of letting them free range – we give them the freedom without any of the responsibility that used to go along with it. Back in my day, parents could only nag their children in person. Now they can do it remotely too. Yay.

For me it really goes back to kids used to have the freedom to be completely free of their parents for a little while and fly on their own. We left the house after school and didn’t have to be home until the street lights came on. If we happened to be right outside, we may be called in, but mom wasn’t hunting the neighborhood for us unless it was a true emergency. Kids don’t get that today. They are constantly attached to their parents by the phone umbilical cord so free range is just an illusion.

It isn’t so much that I don’t expect kids to answer when the parents call or call back as soon as they can, but that I see the vast majority of parents using the phone as a nag mechanism. They don’t reserve it for emergencies, but call every time they have something to say. Of course kids begin to ignore it, just like the ignore your nagging in person.

“I absolutely do expect my minor children to get in touch with me when I deem it necessary to call or text them. I pay their bills, I bought their cell phones,”

So if your teen gets a job and pays her own bills, you no longer have control? She can suddenly stay up all night on the phone?

I have a right to control my child’s phone usage because I am the parent, not because I paid for the phone. Likewise, the fact that I paid for the phone shouldn’t allow me to bother my children any time I want.

I am not opposed to rules for the use of a cellphone (whether I bought it or not), but this just seems like a way to avoid confrontation. You don’t want to deal with a snotty attitude when you take the phone away, so you do it remotely. Further, you don’t really want to take the phone away to start with. You can’t nag remotely if they don’t have the phone.

I think the problem is parents calling their teenager on their cell phone at all. Teenagers no longer have the freedom to become independent. In the past, teenagers had room to experience independence and begin the journey to adulthood. It was the teenager who contacted his mother if his plans changed, and not the mother constantly contacting the teenager. My children are still small, but I hope that I become the kind of mother who does not call or text my children on their cell phones. If they have a cell phone, it is so that they can call ME to tell me if their plans change. For example, they can call to tell me that they will be late for dinner. This app is to calm down those mothers who constantly call and text their children, and then feel bad when their teenager demands some independence by not picking up (or simply doesn’t hear the call or is busy). It is a bad feeling when we call someone and they don’t call us back. But, the other option for mothers is to get a life and not harass our teenagers on their cell phones. They deserve to not have to be joined at the hip to their mothers.

E – And if I do need to call – e.g. I’m going to be late picking up – the onus is on my kid to actually answer the phone, read the text message or listen to the voicemail. If she doesn’t and ends up sitting around waiting, oh well, maybe she’ll make a different choice next time.

Same with us leaving plans open. I’m okay with making plans on the fly and love the convenience of cell phone for this. But it is her job to keep me informed; not mine to follow up with her. And if she needs something from me for those plans, like a ride, she need to answer the phone when I call or suffer the consequences.

As for the trying to tell them you’ll be late picking them up or whatever. Why does a text like “running late” even need a response?

Emily,
Was only joking bout the under 16. Because I know how screwed up a lot of parents would be without instant access to their kids. Though I do not consider teenagers kids, more like adults in training.

>>Emily,
Was only joking bout the under 16. Because I know how screwed up a lot of parents would be without instant access to their kids. Though I do not consider teenagers kids, more like adults in training.<<

Warren, that is so true. In fact, I wonder if Lenore would be open to making up some "Adult-In-Training" T-shirts to sell on this website, for older kids who've aged out of the "Free-Range Kid" category?

@Katie G. If the child is in class, and the parent needs to contact that child because of a family emergency, what ever happened to calling the school office (or the residence building, or the off-campus roommate if the “child” is in university), and saying, “Hello, Principal/Residence Director/Roommate, please have Offspring call me back immediately.” Also, the reverse process could happen if the emergency took place at school. I actually had this happen once. It was the second day at a new school, and my brother and I were in grades two and five, respectively. Anyway, my then seven-year-old brother had been pushed off the monkey bars at recess by another kid, and he’d fallen and broken his foot. The vice-principal called my dad at work, my dad came and picked up my brother and took him to the hospital, and then he (the vice-principal) pulled me out of gym class to tell me that my brother had broken his foot, was in the hospital, and therefore wouldn’t need to be walked home after school. Yes, this process took longer than it would have if we’d all had cell phones, let alone having them on our person 24/7, but it still worked. Even if something had gone wrong; for example, if the VP hadn’t been able to reach my dad (my mom was in Toronto attending law school, and couldn’t have been easily reached), then I’m sure that something would have been sorted out–for example, the VP could have driven my brother to the hospital himself.

hineata,

How about some sympathy instead. Not a good feeling walking into that station, I imagine. Everything going thru your head from how to deal with the “brat”, to how am I going to be judged by the cops.

Hope it works out.

There are 2 sides to the spectrum on this one for me.

1. I think it’s a pretty good idea. It teaches your children responsibility and consequences. Which is sorely lacking in the youths of today. As long as the intention of the app is to teach discipline, self control, responsibility. Teaching children skills that will help them in their lives, as they get older.

2. I think it’s a bad idea. Most especially when the parent(s) use it to CONTROL, and “leash” their children. When it becomes more about what the parents want, then what is best for the child. Teaches the wrong message to our children. Potentially causing them to rebel even more.

As Scott mentioned, “…a $700 phone and there were expectations that went with the privilege.”

@EricS–

The app doesn’t completely lock the phone; it just disables texting, gaming, and calls with everyone except parents, 911/emergency services, and others on the In Case of Emergency list. Also, as many people have said before, there are many, many reasons why someone might not answer a phone immediately. Maybe they’re driving, or in the bathroom or the shower, or in a movie theatre, or a live performance. This morning, I went swimming, and then to a yoga class taught by a colleague of mine. Yesterday, and the day before, I was teaching yoga myself. The day before THAT, I was at steel band rehearsal, which also precludes cell phone use, because it’s a focused group activity. So, throughout steel band, yoga, and swimming, my phone was turned off and put away. I’m an adult, so this doesn’t matter, but if a teenager was doing the exact same things that I did, and (correctly) put away his or her cell phone beforehand, would that really be a bad thing?

As for telling a teenager to “expect emergency calls at any time,” that goes back to the “crying wolf” argument. What if the “emergency” is just that the parent wants the teenager to pick up milk on the way home or something, or wants to know what said teenager is doing every minute? I mean, suppose Jimmy was going to the movies with some friends from school, and suppose Jimmy’s mom was constantly texting with Jimmy–“Now, don’t go to a movie that’s rated more than PG-13, even if Sam, Susie, and Sarah want to go. Don’t get Skittles, they have high-fructose corn syrup, but don’t get a large popcorn either; it’ll spoil your appetite for dinner. Oh, and don’t sit too close to the speakers; it’ll damage your ears,” and so on, and so forth? What if Jimmy tried to end the conversation by saying, “Gotta go, Mom, the movie’s about to start,” but she kept running interference, telling him to plug his ears if he heard a swear word, close his eyes if he saw violence or bathroom humour, and so on, and so forth, and then locked poor Jimmy’s phone when he failed to respond, because he had politely turned off his phone so as not to disturb the other moviegoers? This may sound “out there,” but there ARE parents like that. One of them was on Dr. Phil with her daughter a few years ago. My point is, even if you give your kid a phone, I think there should be times when it’s okay to NOT use the phone, in keeping with common sense and manners, logistics (for example, it’s not possible to use a cell phone in a swimming pool), and sometimes even just the need for some peace and quiet.

Eric,
Okay let’s do this.
1. I am not a Nazi parent that expects a snap to by my kids. And I can think of dozens of reasons for not answering the phone. Unlike some people, and I am assuming you, my family is in agreement that if your are engaged in conversation or activity with someone, that is is just plain rude, to answer your phone. That is what voicemail is for.

2.Yes because everyone get perfect signal strength everywhere. Our area sucks for no signal.
I get called out on service calls all the time, and am not able to answer the phone. It is called life, Dude.

3.Your attitude on this and number one is a combination or arrogance, control and ignorance. See my response to number one.

4.Depends on where they are or what they are doing. If you make being attatched to the phone a requirement for having the phone, then see the Nazi parent handbook.

5.If I call with a non emergency, I don`t give a rat`s ass if they respond. And if you meant my actual mom, lol, you won`t get her, she hates talking on the phone, and unless my dad is there, she very rarely answers it.

6.“So by that reasoning, next time you want something, you’ll just have to keep asking until we answer. Your phone is a privilege, not a right. EXPECT to get “emergency” calls at any given time, that’s why it’s called an “emergency”. That is the primary reason why we got you a phone in the first place. If you don’t use it for that, then you don’t need one. I’ll take it back.

Then add at the end of it, “If you want to do whatever you want with your phone, then you should buy your own, and pay for your own mobile plans.”“

That kind of controlling attitude just makes you and asshole, not a parent.

My kids were not given phones for emergency purposes at all. That is just a side benefit.

Expect to get emergency calls at any given time…….how paranoid do you need to be to tell someone that. Wow, Eric, you have anger and control issues.

You want to treat your kids like prisoners and you`re the warden, or soldiers and your the General, go for it. Myself, I prefer to treat mine with respect and as people.

Emily,
I would much rather see a free app, that when a parent engages their app to lockout the kids phone, that it sends a signal back to mom’s phone, that locks her out as well.

>>Emily,
I would much rather see a free app, that when a parent engages their app to lockout the kids phone, that it sends a signal back to mom’s phone, that locks her out as well<<

Warren, I thought of that too, but I don't think anyone would buy that app. For one thing, no parent would want it, knowing that locking their kid's phone would have a "recoil" effect, and for another thing, if a kid downloaded that app, and the parent's phone got locked when they locked the kid's phone, then that parent would be twice as mad–first, for "ignoring" them (air quotes because there might have been a good reason why the kid didn't respond immediately), and second. for installing the "recoil" app…….or even triply mad, if they were calling/texting about a previous infraction, whether real or perceived. So, let's say that Jimmy (hypothetically) forgot to take out the garbage before leaving to go to the movies with Sam, Susie, and Sarah. He turns off his phone before going into the theatre, as per the facility rules. Two hours of Spiderman 5 and HFCS-laced blue Icee later, Jimmy's phone is locked, because his mother was texting him all angry because he'd forgotten to take out the garbage. Recoil app kicks in, and Jimmy's mother's phone is locked as well. Jimmy gets home, and his mother is absolutely irate, because her "delinquent" son forgot to take out the garbage, ignored her on the phone, and downloaded an app to give her a taste of her own medicine. She takes Jimmy's phone away, grounds him indefinitely, and poor Sam, Susie, and Sarah don't get to see their good friend Jimmy for a very, VERY long time.

I can’t believe you said makes your stomach turn, GET OVER IT! When the parent is paying for the phone , you better have some respect and call them back. Someone could be dying, which these kids don’t understand, before they return your text of call. I say go back to how it was twenty years ago and don’t give any of these kids cell phones. Maybe they will learn how to converse and get there homework and chores done. I glad this mom came up with this app it puts control back into the parents hands.

@Warren–I agree with your response to Rachael, but I think that, along with taking away phones, she’d probably also want to keep her kids at home, under her watchful eye, doing homework and chores, and not having any opportunity to go out and meet with friends and be unreachable for a while. But, I think another side of this is, you can’t have it both ways. Adults complain that kids are constantly glued to their phones, but then they also complain when their kids put their phones away for a game of soccer, or a band practice, or whatever, and can’t be reached immediately. Of course, kids can’t have it both ways either. Kids can’t be glued to their phones 24/7 playing Candy Crush and whatnot, and also deliberately ignore their parents’ calls and texts. Yes, it’s possible to be inundated with texts, calls, and voice messages from friends, and miss a parental contact, but if you spend that much time on your phone, then you HAVE to see it. But, my main point is, the attitude that I see from a lot of adults (present company excluded) is, “Kids spend too much time on their smartphones; they should turn off those phones, and engage with the REAL WORLD…..until that becomes inconvenient for me.” This is masked by a lot of “napalm words,” like “respect” and “safety,” and “I’m paying for it,” but the crux of the matter is, you can’t complain that kids are missing out on real life in favour of the tiny world inside their phones, and then turn around and complain that they’re missing your phone contact attempts while they’re trying to engage with the world. Polite, well-rounded, healthy people turn off their phones sometimes, and that should start young.

hineata,

If the cops are that good, maybe they might want to help you with a scare tactic of sorts. When you go back with your thank you offerings…………would it not be cool if one of the officers offered to fit your kid with an ankle tracking bracelet, if you wanted? All just for shock and awe so to speak. lol.

Emily: bravo and very well put

>>If your teen is not using the phone responsibly take it away from them or ground them and then they just stay home so don’t need a phone. Saves the money spent on such an app.<<

@Dolly–In that case, the app becomes something of a strawman, because it's no longer about the app; it's about the parent being the sole arbiter of "responsible phone use," when they can't see the circumstances surrounding their child's delayed response. So, by that logic, let's say that the child is doing something that precludes cell phone use, where the phone is turned off and put away. We've gone through several examples, several times, but let's say for the sake of argument that the child is swimming, and the phone is put away in a locker, and the message isn't received until an hour later, when the child gets out of the pool, showers, dries off, gets dressed, and turns the phone back on. If the child is at a water park, then it could be a much longer time between call/text and response. However, taking a cell phone where it can get wet, will damage it, so in that case, putting the phone away is indeed "responsible phone use." That is, unless the parent gets angry at having to wait for a response, in which case the child gets grounded.

@Dolly–I’m sorry; I should have directed my post at Rachael, Eric S, and all of the other people in the “I expect my child to answer immediately because RESPECT!!! SAFETY!!!! I’M PAYING!!!!!! I’M THE PARENT, AND I SAY SO!!!!! I’m glad you’re reasonable about cell phone use, though. As for “out without permission,” that’s kind of a grey area. When I was in high school, I often didn’t go directly home after school. If I didn’t have an activity after school (usually band or student council), I’d sometimes go to the library, the mall, swimming at the YMCA, or something of that nature. I didn’t get permission to do these things every time, because sometimes I just decided spontaneously (well, not swimming, obviously, because I’d need to bring my swimming things along with my school things that morning). However, I don’t ever remember getting in trouble for being “out without permission” while doing these things. I also don’t remember having a curfew for going out at night. It was more like, “Ben asked me to play glow-in-the-dark mini golf with him tonight; can I go?”; and my parents would tell me yes or no, and even then, that morphed into “I’m going to play glow-in-the-dark mini-golf with Ben tonight” over time. I was considered to be a “good kid” when I was younger, but judging by the standards of some of the people in this thread, maybe I really wasn’t.

How do you get the app

I’m thinking of using this on my wife.

I was a good kid that never needed a curfew or to ask permission first either. I left my parents a note telling them where I was going or called and told them and I came back whenever was a reasonable time.

But some kids need curfews because they take advantage otherwise. Some kids need to be given permission to go somewhere before heading out because they take advantage. It would be nice if all teens could handle that, but some cannot. And that is fine. You just work with what you have.

If I tell my kids to be back by X time, they need to do so and if they are not going to make it, they need to try to call me and let me know why they will be late. If they don’t and I call looking for them, I do expect an answer immediately. But as long as they are within that curfew, I won’t call and bother them and I don’t expect to be answered back immediately if I do happen to call.

I’m perfectly fine with BOTH the child/teen and the parent AGREEING to this, if the parent pays for the phone – but only IF the child/teen is given the option of paying for the phone themselves, if they do not want to agree to this deal.

If not having the phone is not an option, and the parents don’t give the child/teen an option to pay for the phone themselves (i.e. the child/teen is not allowed to do something to make their own money), and force the app onto the child/teen? They are forcing the child/teen to live constantly on edge – better always be ready to answer that phone, or else! It’s emotional abuse imo.

And if you can’t trust a kid to not run up the bill that you are choosing to pay for, but need them to have a phone – don’t give them a phone where running up the bill is a possibility!

I love this idea. Kids do not always do the right thing. It is a responsible parent who keeps track of their own. If a parent is supposed to be responsible for their own kids, and their actions, and any possible consequences on themselves and society, why not employ every single tool available?