My Daughter, 10, Wondered Why the Boy Walking Her Home Wanted to Go In The Alley

What I really liked about this story is the way the mother used the occasion for an open discussion. I know a few teenage girls that could use this lesson on dealing with unwanted attentions. It is great that she had the opportunity to learn this lesson early in life.

I have found that the best way to get your kids to listen is to temper your reaction as much as possible. Also give them honest, non judgemental answers to their questions, while still instilling your own values.

You are a stronger free-range parent than I am! The initial contact wouldn’t have bothered me either if I thought the boy lived near us. The kids in my neighborhood do mix in age quite often, and I’ve certainly never restricted my own friendships to “peers”. But the alley incident would have freaked me out! I think I’d have panicked and gone into hover mode. – Good for your daughter for being part of the solution!

From the start Little Miss O was part of the process. She was included in the conversations about the rules, etc.

Many parents do not include the child (soon to be an independent, sulf-sufficient adult) in conversations on the rules, why the rules are there, and different scenarios which actually have a probability of occurring.

Way to go @SaskatchewanMom

Wow, well done. You are really walking the walk of being free-range (no pun intended). It’s easy to consider myself free-range when my daughter is not even three yet – I hope I will still have the courage of my convictions when she encounters more complex situations such as this one. I have a feeling that this post will stick with me for a long time.

Lenore, I have to admit, that sometimes the never-ending barrage of “mum arrested for this, dad arrested for that” stories get to be a bit much – I’m not denying that it’s important to bring these cases up, but it’s starting to have the same effect on me as too many kidnapper stories – makes me think that these things are happening everywhere all the time. It would be really nice to balance out the bad news stories with tales like this of free-ranging in action.

Hope to see your new show on-line soon so that I can check it out too!

Devine Mom gets “Mom of the Year” for me! Awesome! That is pretty much how me, my siblings, and my friends were raised. Maybe a little bit more rudimentary. But still the same principal. Be aware, be confident, stay the path, and know when to say NO. Also, how to kick someone in the balls, and scratch their eyes if they try to be physical. lol

This was a very positive post. I hope more parents follow Devine Mom’s lead. It can be done. And it is far more effective, than sheltering children.

@Karen, I wouldn’t jump too soon to a serial predator assumption. It’s quite possible that this boy has a crush on her and is expressing it in extremely inappropriate ways. Yes, he certainly needs somebody to talk to him about this. But I would not assume he’s targeting or has targeted children in general, and not that he has a childish crush on this girl and, probably because of how accessible things like pornography are in our culture, is expressing it in very inappropriate ways.

I think this mom handled this so well. We do not do young women a service when we “protect” them from every advance from men. The reality is, young women are going to get hit on. They have to know how to handle it without either freaking out and assuming the guy is a sexual predator/pedophile/pervert or just going along with what the guy is asking for. I was tall and developed early. By 12, I was mistaken for a student teacher in my middle school. I had older guys (and sometimes older men) hit on me for all of my teen years. I don’t think any of them were pedophiles, because if they were they wouldn’t have been hitting on a person who was 5’6″ and in a D-cup. I don’t think any of them were predators, because they never forced anything on me. But, I certainly had to learn to respond: to simply walk away or, when necessary or appropriate, to verbally respond. If we don’t teach girls how to say no to sexual advances, by either assuming that they are too weak to do so or that the men involved are so dangerous that we have to involve the police, we are taking a lot of power away from them.

Ya know, if every parent raised their kids like this, the ‘predators’ (real or wannabe or just exploring) wouldn’t have a chance. The kids would all know how to deal with ’em and there’d be no targets available.

What a story. Miss O is ready for the world!

An 8th grader is just an 8th grader whatever horrible intentions he had. Meaning, he has behavioral problems and a lack of understanding of what’s appropriate that hopefully someone can deal with before anybody gets hurt. This is not a defense of bad behavior, just an assertion that it’s about the behavior of a child. 8th graders are still children.

I really appreciate this story. It’s easy to get scared when a difficult situation comes up, but these situations WILL come up – and do we want our kids to be surprised and alone dealing with problems for the first time after they leave our care?

I think I might have gone a little farther and strongly encouraged my daughter to get another friend walking home with her, just so she wasn’t alone with this boy while we figured out whether it was going to be an issue. I always believe in safety in numbers, even for adults. But clearly things worked out well even without that (or maybe there were already enough other kids around that such an exhortation was unnecessary). Not only is Divine Miss O safe, she’s gained confidence and resources to deal with future situations. It’s a fantastic outcome!

Dear divine miss o’s mom: can I be your new best friend? I am the 52 year old of a 9 year old girl, also an only, who feels much the way you do. You are doing things soooo right!!! I’m trying but my daughter isn’t quite so mature or quick to listen. Thank you for this story…. For so many reasons

Excellent! Good job, Mom. I am also an older mother and refuse to be bullied by fearful, overprotective helicopter parents. Believe me, I have had my share of visits from DCFS and the police. Honestly, the police are much easier to deal with than DCFS (they live in fear of lawsuits but the police KNOW the laws). Undeterred, I remain a staunch free range parent who has done and continues to do what Divine Mom does. All the busybody neighbors et al don’t give a damn if your kids are capable young people or adults and aren’t going to be around to clean up the mess they try and create by interfering in how we parent. Stay the course, Divine Mom and well done!

“If you don’t start working on decision-making by the time they’re 9 or 10,” he says, “there’s no way they’ll be good at it when they’re 14 and the decisions they’re making are really important.”

I saw this comment on a blog. I thought I’d share it because it expresses what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of my child not being very good at making decisions. Helicopter parents criticize that free rangers are lazy and they themselves are better parents because they are afraid for children.

I’m afraid too. I’m afraid of them not learning to be self reliant. I’m afraid that WHEN problems come up, my child will become angry, depressed, and full of anxiety because they don’t have the confidence to solve problems on their own!

Wow! I want to be a friend of that Mom and learn how and what she did to raise such a smart, strong and confident girl even prior to when she let her daughter walk by herself.
Thank you for sharing your story!

I’m all for Free Range children, but there also a point in time when the police need to be notified. Why wasn’t anything done about the fact that this sexual predator was following and stalking her each day? Sexual predators come in all shapes and sizes, and clearly this should have been reported to authorities. I think it lacked judgement to let this predator continue to walk this girl home. Yes, I want my kids to learn to work through their own problems, but if this boy was carrying a gun would the parents have just said, “work it out on your own.”As a trained Marriage and Family Therapist, it is quite apparent that significantly more people are affected/traumatized by sexual predators than guns and both can be just as devastating. (Even if the perpetrator is a teen.) I think this article sets a bad example for other parents to turn the cheek to a potentially dangerous situation. Not to mention, I think this article really hurts the “free range” cause.

I think it would have been great if she had instructed her daughter to tell this boy to buzz off right when the conversation got weird. The daughter seemed uncomfortable, and kids switch walking partners a lot, anyway.

But I’m glad it all turned out all right in the end and that she got to stick up for herself.

Terri – also, given that you are a “trained Marriage and Family Therapist” I am surprised that you assume that this situation was traumatizing for Miss O, rather than empowering. Maybe you would be a better therapist if you based your assessment on the actual person’s experience, rather than making other people’s experiences applicable to all.

You are clearly not for free range parenting if you think in terms of how things “can be” as bad as handling a gun(!), rather than looking at them for what they are.

And what do you expect the police to do? How will introducing this boy into the criminal justice system help anyone? How about talking to his freaking parents first if need be? Seriously, are we living in 1672? Did I miss the memo where seduction is back to being a crime?

Honestly Terry, I fear people like you more than sexual predators. You’re the one who will put otherwise innocent people in jail for making you uncomfortable, and you’re the reason we need websites like this to begin with.

I’m glad the mom is teaching her daughter to use her judgment, but honestly, I’d be inclined to react a bit more strongly in this case. We’re talking about a 10-year-old girl and an 8th grade boy (so probably 13 or so?). He is most likely much bigger and stronger than she is physically. Given the alley episode, his persistence, and the fact that the boy is obviously sexually imbalanced or at least out-of-control, I’d be concerned about the possibility of forcible assault.

This is a great story!

However…

When I was growing up, this girl’s experience with this boy would probably “not” have been shared with her mother. The girl would have simply told her best friends, and they would have offered advice and probably told about what they did in a similar situation.

Andrea and Anonymous Mom – Thanks for posting insights that some reading these comments apparently don’t understand.

@Angela
“I don’t understand the fear of simply being in the presence of a gun.”

And, of course, note that we’re only *supposed* to be afraid of guns carried by ordinary citizens. We’re considered absolutely paranoid to worry at all about police carrying guns.

This mom is more thoughtful than I am, when a 14 year old boy started coming to our door asking if my 9 year old could come out and play, I put a stop to it right away. I told her it was creepy and she needs to only be outside with him if there are other kids playing with them. It did the trick, but maybe calling him creepy wasn’t the right approach,lol.

This may be bit off topic, but I noted “Divine Mom’s” reference to “warrior princess”. As a long time watcher of the adventures of Xena, that is high praise for Miss O.
To borrow a line from another TV series I’m familiar with, may Miss O. and her family “Live Long and Prosper.”

@Helen: you needn’t worry about having the conviction to stick to your free-range guns as the challenges increase. If you are free-range now in the small things (even when they feel huge), your daughter will show you the way as she grows… and every child grows differently. You will recognise the fruit of your current efforts to create freedom and independence in your daughter’s life, and you will recognise where/how you need to build on the foundation you are now laying. Trust me, as much as you may want to at times, she won’t let you go backward.

@Kathy: I think some of Miss O’s “maturity” (oh how I chuckled at that) comes from our allowing her to fail and dig herself out (with our support, guidance and encouragement) on a regular basis. Raising strong free-rangers is about, I think, calculated risk… even in the situation I’ve described above.

The boy is 13. If he were in high school, or not from her school, our immediate response would have been different. If Miss O wasn’t walking home on a very busy, public street our response would have been different. If she hadn’t already demonstrated a strong ability to handle herself well in challenging situations, our response would have been different.

We have the wiggle room in this situation to let it play out some naturally, and allow her to build her confidence and mature in her ability to handle difficult people and situations. And this is our habit… wherever possible, we give her room to handle things before stepping in to see if she will sink, or soar… and even when she’s sinking, before stepping in we remind her that she also knows how to swim… we’re here to help, but she has to do the work… and she reaps the rewards of doing so.

Over time she has become a lot more inclined to listen to us right off because she’s already had the opportunity to learn “the hard way” that we are right about things more often than not. Free-range is a two-way trust/respect building process.

@Kay re: a 14-year-old wanting to play with her 9-year-old: I guess I don’t find that intrinsically odd. I grew up playing with kids of all ages… I had younger friends to whom I played mentor and got to feel wise and responsible, while I also tagged along behind the kindest girl 4 years older who made me feel special and “big” and I also had a lot of friends who happened to be boys… come to think of it I also had little old lady ‘friends’ …and I have encouraged the same for Miss O… she has friends of all ages. I don’t think age should automatically be the determining factor in friendship. I hope you’ll reconsider allowing your son to make friendships with people of all ages… kindred spirits come in all shapes, sizes and ages.

@Donald re: “I’m afraid of my child not being very good at making decisions. Helicopter parents criticize that free rangers are lazy and they themselves are better parents because they are afraid for children.

I’m afraid too. I’m afraid of them not learning to be self reliant. I’m afraid that WHEN problems come up, my child will become angry, depressed, and full of anxiety because they don’t have the confidence to solve problems on their own!”

Well said! I regularly remind myself that I’m not raising a child, I’m raising tomorrow’s adult. 🙂

I admire your courage in letting an 8-year-old walk home alone, not because of the extremely low risk of stranger abduction, etc., but because of the much more likely fallout from other adults with less courage.

But I question how you reacted to the child’s subsequent experiences, since the reaction assumes that slightly older boys are more dangerous than strange women offering to put makeup on little girls.

Rather than utilizing the boy’s interest in sex as a way to explore the subject openly and in more depth, mom seemed to have a prior agenda (sexual play is bad, sexual desire is bad, sexual pleasure is bad), which the child was already aware of and dutifully expressed obiedience to.

For example, the boy’s attempts at conversation: “Was she learning Fully Alive in school (our Family Life Program taught from Grade 1-8)? How old is she? Does she have a boyfriend? Does she know what boys and girls do together (“You know you’re almost 12 and boys are going to try and do things to you!” could have been met with specific answers and explanations of the criteria for possible alternative answers, instead of condemning the whole topic as “weird” and a “nightmare.”

Separate surveys suggest that two-thirds of women today are sexually dysfunctional, and there is good reason to believe that is due to anti-sex education in childhood. Parents of girls should wonder if they are setting the stage for future sexual dysfunction by sending anti-sex messages to growing girls.

The boy’s behavior was not unusual in my opinion, and more open dialogue would be useful to explore exactly what he had in mind, and to explain why certain physiological limits to sexual experimentation in childhood are necessary.

It’s possible that all he wanted to do was kiss her, and that would have been fine as long as she was free to refuse, and he was aware that any contact below the belt was off-limits.

Awesome….Just plain awesome.

To “The Divine Miss O’s Mom”.. You have class, courage, a good story, a great corollary to FRK, some other solid comments and just a cool head in general. As much as we all wish we were “free range”, I think we’ve just possibly be introduced to one the better mentors we could have met. Please ignore any negativity and/or critics.

@Andrea, Terri did not assume that this situation was traumatizing for Miss O. She said, “Significantly more people are affected/traumatized by sexual predators than guns and both can be devastating.” She was speaking generally about potential trauma. Putting Terri’s job title in quotes was a bit hostile, I think; it indicates that you don’t think much of her job or that you think she’s a liar. But you take your insults to a new level when you give Terri advice on how to be a better therapist; are you serious? You don’t even know the woman. I won’t even get started on how offensive it is for you to say that you fear people like her more than sexual predators. Terri never proposed throwing this boy in jail; I think perhaps you read some things into Terri’s comment.

Your comment “You are clearly not for free-range parenting” is exactly what gives me pause about considering myself free-range. To some free-range parents there is no acceptable range of beliefs in free-range parenting. If parents are not in lock step with their beliefs, those parents do not belong in the movement at all. I would not have handled the situation the way Miss O’s mom did. I would have accepted the principal’s assistance when he offered it and allowed him to contact the parents (I think it would be helpful for them to be aware). Does this mean I am not free-range enough for you? Do you want to start excluding parents who are less hands-off than you and limit the movement’s impact? I hope not.

Christine – Terri absolutely did advocate jailing The Boy. She specifically stated that the police should have been called. Why else would you call the police except to have him arrested? The police are not there to fix social problems. Their SOLE job is to investigate crimes and arrest criminals. If she doesn’t believe this a crime and The Boy a criminal suited for arrest, the police have no place in this dicussion.

In fact, she calls The Boy a predator – based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever – indicating that she does in fact see him as someone who should be locked away as I don’t know anyone who wants “predators” loose on the streets.

The outrage at her comment is not towards possible other methods of dealing with the situation – I’d might have let the principal talk to the parents as well – but on her pronouncement of The Boy as a sexual predator based on the facts given here and having never met him. That is highly irresponsible, especially for a professional.

While I don’t doubt the Terri is what she claims, I do highly question her profession if this is her response. I do however find the over-emphasis of sexual behavior extremely common in the counseling profession so not at all a surprise. And I do worry very much about that attitude. I worry that my child’s normal behavior is going to be viewed as predatory or that my child will have a negative experience such as this that will be blown way out of proportion and her made to feel a victim rather than empowered. Both are extremely common in the counseling field these days.

The heartiest of congratulations to both mom and daughter.
And the highest of praises – her thanks for not being left out of the solution. You can’t buy that with money.

Of course that poort kid is probably a shy and awkward boy – and dealing with him as such is the way to go, instead of instantly branding him a criminal.

I get the distinct impression here, that dealing with the current situation was made infinitely easier by what had already paved the way starting much earlier in the girl’s life. She sounds pretty astute for her age – and that skill had to come from somewhere.

This is rather a heartwarming story – good antidote for all the poisonous micromanaging and infantilizing that goes on out there.

I’m in awe of your thoughtful approach to all of this, Divine Mom. I also love that you refer to your daughter as “The Divine Miss O”. Having that image of her in your head…I bet it affects how you treat her all the time — in a divinely empowering way. (Yes, I know that might seem like a little thing in the grand scheme of this very, very powerful post, but it struck me!)

Thanks for sharing this post; I have to say it widened my thinking about a couple of aspects of parenting.

I find it really interesting how so many people can read the same account and take a way such very different impressions. What readers on any forum seem to forget with great consistency is that the whole truth/experience of any human encounter cannot be fully expressed in the space allotted by a comment box or blog post. I always take responses with a clear agenda/filter of their own with a grain of salt, even while I continue to communicate in an attempt of clarity and sincere communication/understanding.

@sexhysteria (interesting moniker… no agenda there, I imagine 🙂 )
RE: “I question how you reacted to the child’s subsequent experiences, since the reaction assumes that slightly older boys are more dangerous than strange women offering to put makeup on little girls.”
I’m not sure how you came to this conclusion. I saw *both* the lipstick woman and The Boy as *equally & potentially* dangerous. Both seem to me to be clueless to social norms and boundaries. Both attempted to impose a personal agenda on my child. Both were actual strangers… my Divine Miss O knew neither of them before they approached her. My internal reaction was the same: “the free-range stuff stops NOW.” My external reaction was the same: “Okay… learning experience here we come… how do I handle this so my daughter remains safe, and how do I use this opportunity to continue to encourage my daughter to grow strong and confident in her ability to navigate this sometimes strange world we live in?”

What makes The Boy more *potentially* dangerous is that he has on-going access/proximity to my child (my daughter has never again seen lipstick lady… and had she, I’d have immediately called the police), he suddenly and somewhat aggressively inserted himself into her life, he was pushing an agenda (uninvited) with which my daughter was uncomfortable, and (in my opinion) exercised poor judgment in how he was relating to a child emotionally and psychologically much younger than he is… there is a world of developmental difference between a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old.

RE: “Rather than utilizing the boy’s interest in sex as a way to explore the subject openly and in more depth, mom seemed to have a prior agenda (sexual play is bad, sexual desire is bad, sexual pleasure is bad), which the child was already aware of and dutifully expressed obedience to.”
You’ve read an awful lot into my attempt to consolidate the week’s long situation into a manageable account… and sexual awareness has nothing at all to do with my reason for sharing my account with Lenore. This whole encounter with The Boy has generated hours and hours of conversation in our home… not the least of which is all things sexual… a conversation that has been on-going for years now. My Divine Miss O’s reluctance to engage in a sexual conversation with The Boy specifically (much to our chagrin, she is not always so reticent) comes from the knowledge that sex and her body are both priceless gifts to be shared in context… and at age 10, walking down the street with a boy whose last name she doesn’t know, to whom she’s only spoken to twice before, and who her parents have never met, is not the time or place. The Boy has not earned the right to such a conversation, so she was justifiably confused and bothered by his line of inquiry and disturbed by his lack of respect for her sensibilities, and I’m very proud that she is strong enough to repeatedly assert a boundary that reflects her comfort levels… her thoughts on the matter were none of his business. The parental nightmare for me, and for many others, is in the fact that my daughter was been pushed to go were she did not want to go… not because she’s blindly obedient (how I occasionally wished this were so, lol), but because she sensed something “off” and because she’s been raised to think and evaluate for herself.

Contrary to your assertion, in my experience and based on The Divine Miss O’s friendships with boys and girls of all ages (this is not the only 13-year-old boy she occasionally socializes with), The Boy’s line of inquiry, manner and general demeanor over time *is* unusual and “weird”. More importantly, Miss O thinks it’s weird, and my responsibility as a free-range parent is to support and encourage *her* to act in her own best interests. Had The Boy ever come to my door and introduced himself, I most certainly would have inquired as to the nature of his interest in keeping company with my girl.

I really appreciate that Miss O’s mom also kind of looks out for The Boy. Like some people showed, it would have been very easy to call the police on him which would have landed him in a lot of trouble, possibly for the rest of his life. Since he is a 13-year-old boy, the perfect age to 1) be beyond curious about sex and 2) do stupid stuff, that seems way too much of a punishment, though I agree a good conversation is probably a good idea.

When I was 9, I went to the park to get long grass and herbs for our rabbit and guinea pig. Little Brother was supposed to come with me, but we had a little argument so I went alone. At the perfect location for long grass and herbs, a teen boy (~15?) walked around masturbating, as I discovered when he turned around. I didn’t leave, I was there with a goal after all. He didn’t leave either.
I did however keep my distance, both physically and in the conversation (he started talking to me, but of course wasn’t interested in ME), to not encourage him in any way but not offend him either. Overall, he seemed insecure to me.
Was it scary or traumatizing? No. It was weird though, and I came home still wondering about that boy.
Anyway, I was calmer than my mother about it 🙂 Don’t think she actually called the police though.

@sexhysteria: The girl is 10 – I think it’s completely normal for her to think all things sexual are weird! Plenty of time to change her mind 🙂

Men go through a hormonal cocktail at a young age. This is normal. This also plays havoc when they are trying to learn social skills.

I loved the sitcom, 3rd Rock from the Sun. It’s about 4 extraterrestrials posing as a family by taking on human form in order to study earth. Tommy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt ) plays the role of Dick’s adolescent son. (John Lithgow) He complains, “WHY DID I HAVE TO BE THE TEEN? I’M GOING THROUGH PUBERTY! I’M GOING OUT OF MY MIND!”

John Lithgow then reads his thoughts and jumps back horrified. He yells, “WHY THAT’S DISGUSTING!”

Perhaps every boy at age 12 should be put on the sex offenders list.

@Donald: Don’t give them any ideas

@Tiny Tim: I really appreciate your viewpoint, and I’m glad you’ve taken the time to share it… it is exactly this possibility that enables us to show restraint and caution in this situation… we do not have a clear enough picture to take any specific action. While The Boy has not presented as entirely without suspicion, he doesn’t seem to be an imminent threat to anyone.

Like you, I too “would hope that parents would be comfortable with inter-gender relationships [of all ages], while of course being mindful of potential problems.”

I also doubt that parents thought that you were “likely a rapist freakazoid and were really uncomfortable with the idea that I was friends with their daughters….” Had they really thought so, I’m pretty sure that you would be more certain of that opinion 🙂

The Divine Miss O “plays” with kids of all ages, and she hangs out more with boys than girls… she is a warrior at heart and prefers sports… the grade 6-8 boys know she is an awesome soccer player and welcome her easily onto any team… and she’s very proud that she can “take a ball” with the best of them (we have a good dental plan just in case). Her opinion is respected, and she is often the voice of reason when things get heated. She’s also the one who picks up and dusts off the little ones when they get a bit trampled on the playground… she has a set group of k-3 kids who come looking for her at recess for hugs.

To me, this is what community should look like. It really isn’t that long ago when kids of all ages (regardless of sex) played/hung out together… that is how I grew up.

@lollipoplover: THANK YOU, too for sharing your delightful experience. That is what neighbourhoods should look like… and is just how all the Lil Shits of this world learn to be less so.

Free-range is about once again allowing the village to *appropriately* raise our children, and in turn be enriched by the experience and responsibility.

Where we’ve somehow got it all turned around (to my mind) is that instead of focussing on our collective responsibility to our children, we’ve become hyper focussed on any one parent’s responsibility for their children.

Instead of empowering and encouraging parents and children both, we’ve instead empowered the village to judge and condemn. Through fear and a lack of reason, we’ve absolved the village of that collective sense of responsibility to our children.

Your snowball story gives me hope that the pendulum will swing back the other way… and good for that principal for helping it swing!

@ Deb: THANK YOU! It’s funny you should zero in on my pet name for my daughter… and you’re right… thinking of her as The Divine Miss O, and keeping that image of her in my head DOES affect how I treat her all of the time… I see her as a gift I get to unwrap daily.

I also believe how we think about our kids, and having a clear image of them in our heads at all times, is at the heart of being free-range. What you believe your child to be is what you will reinforce through your parenting. Again, it’s not about safety. It’s about competence.

@ Papilio: thank you for sharing your (horrifying to me) experience. That park and pond I spoke of seem much less safe now, lol.

Honestly, though, you’ve reinforced my own sense of The Divine Miss O’s reaction, and my own inclination to allow her to lead our response… she is really not as bothered by any of this as we are… she’s not afraid, and I don’t see any reason to imply to her that she should be… if we were to involve the police, that is what we would do.

I think you’ve articulated an important perspective in all of this: “he is a 13-year-old boy, the perfect age to 1) be beyond curious about sex and 2) do stupid stuff”

…and you validate my conviction that boys can really just be this dumb. THANK YOU!

@ Donald: RE: “Perhaps every boy at age 12 should be put on the sex offenders list.”
Oh how this made me laugh! THANK YOU! …and as another poster pointed out, I know some girls at this age who could be included in this possibility.

I really appreciate that Miss O’s mom also kind of looks out for The Boy. Like some people showed, it would have been very easy to call the police on him which would have landed him in a lot of trouble, possibly for the rest of his life. Since he is a 13-year-old boy, the perfect age to 1) be beyond curious about sex and 2) do stupid stuff, that seems way too much of a punishment, though I agree a good conversation is probably a good idea.

When I was 9, I went to the park to get long grass and herbs for our rabbit and guinea pig. Little Brother was supposed to come with me, but we had a little argument so I went alone. At the perfect location for long grass and herbs, a teen boy (~15?) walked around masturbating, as I discovered when he turned around. I didn’t leave, I was there with a goal after all. He didn’t leave either.
I did however keep my distance, both physically and in the conversation (he started talking to me, but of course wasn’t interested in ME), to not encourage him in any way but not offend him either. Overall, he seemed insecure to me.
Was it scary or traumatizing? No. It was weird though, and I came home still wondering about that boy.
Anyway, I was calmer than my mother about it 🙂 Don’t think she actually called the police though.

WHOA! Sorry about the repeated posts… I have no idea what happened there….

“she is really not as bothered by any of this as we are…”

I guess that’s because you imagine all the things that could have happened to your precious child (and people are often more afraid for others than for themselves) after hearing about the situation, yet all she saw (and *she* was there) was the actual situation, right then and there.
You read about the boy in the park and think it was horrifying, I remember it was broad daylight and that, despite what he was doing, he was no more threatening to me than any other ~15-year-old boy. (With a brother that age you learn their sense of humor doesn’t always match yours…)

Ya know… what a lot of parents seem to forget is that we don’t need to trust the world in order to embrace free-range, we need to trust our kids, and they need to know we have faith in them.

The more you focus on, and build, mutual trust and resect between you and your kids, the less you have to fear, and the more freedom you can all enjoy… what the world is or isn’t doing becomes irrelevant to how you move through it.

The degree to which you feel comfortable with free-range ideology is a direct measuring stick of your own confidence in having raised your kids well, and a reflection of the quality of your relationship with them.

@ Papilio: I’m afraid I’m not making myself as clear as I’d like…

I totally agree with you… the “horror” happens in the mind of me, the parent… I suspect that at that age and time I would have reacted much as you did… and I suspect The Divine Miss O would as well, at this juncture… and I’m glad for that.

I wonder who/what that strange 15-year-old grew up to be… I hope… better.

…I appreciate you putting in perspective as you’ve done… if weirdos in the park make our top 10 list of worst things, we are fortunate, indeed. It makes trying to avoid all sense of offense to our children’s sensibilities an absurd goal… we can’t possibly guess what may offend or traumatise them… and every child will be different.

What those desiring to be free-range parents need to remember is that our children may not perceive any given circumstances as we do. We need to use that to our advantage by allowing them to come to their own awarenesses in their own time, and not impose our fears and concerns upon them. This is why I like role playing so much… Miss O always sees it as ‘play’ and never gives much thought to the scenario in any real sense… unless and until she needs the wisdom she has acquired through the process.

lollipoplover —

After reading your recent post, I can’t help but want some clarification on several aspects of that post and an earlier one.

In the first one about the snowball thrower, you said:

“After several weeks of him not listening, one of the kids finally dropped his bag and made a snowball and fired back.”

1.) Why in the world did it take these kids “several weeks” before anyone threw snowballs back at him?

2.) It also seems somewhat odd for a group of friends walking to school in the snow “not” to have any desire to engage in a snowball fight along the way. Friends often do that sort of thing, unless their parents are all helicopters and think “someone might get hurt.”

I suppose you could say, the kids are just very long-suffering kids and aren’t the kind who enjoy a snowball fight.

But then today, you tell about your 11 year old daughter and some teenage boys, and you said “One attempted to *grab*” her, which is somewhat vague. Also, an “attempt” is not success, yet she kicked him in the balls. She didn’t wait several weeks.

Also, kicking a boy in the balls is not admirable behavior when there are other options, like running away, for one. Where did she learn that sort of thing? Surely you wouldn’t tell a son that if a girl ever made an “attempt” to grab him, he should just hit the girl in her breast?

@ The Divine Miss O’s Mum – thank you for your note to me – I appreciate your encouragement and what you say makes sense. You’d better be careful or you will become the Lenore of the North!

@ By lollipoplover… great explanation… not that I think you needed one (loved he YouTube clip). 🙂

The kids here are also not allowed to engage in snowball fights… they can build forts, but no snowballs. How sad is that? Such a waste of good snow. 🙁

I, too, had been wondering of Steve had ever been in a corn maze… your daughter’s predicament is exactly why we role play situations where avoidance, or running away, won’t work.

To note… one of the hardest things we’ve had to teach is the line between wanting to raise a friendly, well-mannered kid who can also hold her own physically, if necessary.

Kids, by nature, want to be friendly and look for the best in others. Free-range kids also need to know that certain behaviours on the part of others (like even *attempting* to touch in an unwelcome way) preclude any need to be polite.

If we’re going to trust our kids to make good choices, we also have to trust that if they’ve acted with aggression, the situation warranted it.

Again, Steve, the whole truth/experience of any human encounter cannot be fully expressed in the space allotted by a comment box or blog post.

The Divine Miss O, Warrior Princess, Lenore of the North – this starts to sound like a computer game 🙂

@The Divine Miss O’s Mom: We’re on the same page 🙂
I still sometimes wonder what has become of that boy. I hope he turned out okay.

“our top 10 list of worst things”
Hmm, this evolves quickly, haha. I only brought it up because you mentioned something ‘bad’, and indeed, who says it’s bad, from the kid’s POV it could be just something. I admit I’m surprised your abuse doesn’t make your top 25, but… that could mean 2 things… I hope you meant it wasn’t that traumatizing rather than that your life is filled with death and doom!

@V: “boys should be taught how to read signals”.

Boys cannot be easily “taught” how to read these kind of signals, they have to learn it “on the field”, which also implies messing up from time to time. On top of that let’s not forget that girls need to learn reading boys’ signals too. I’m sure both protagonists of this small adventure learned something useful.

@bsolar I agree completely. “Taught” may not have been the best choice of words; perhaps “learn” and “be advised”, but nothing replaces “experience”!

Poor girl. I remember the exact moment when all my friends that were boys became ‘sexually’ aware. It really changes those friendships! One day your playing stick ball and the next day those boys who thought you were ‘one of the guys’ want to take liberties!
These are conversations we should all be having with our children and earlier than any parent is ready for! At least, emotionally 🙂
This year has been an eye opener for me. My sweet little boy and his peers are somehow inexplicably on the verge of puberty (apparently it’s happening a lot earlier) and while I cringe constantly at the on going dialogue that is now in our household, I’m very glad that staying level headed means my son comes to US instead of his peers for counsel.
We’re all learning new lessons in this house! It’s not alway pretty (ig “Mom, So and so said so and so’s mom works on a pole! Or so and so said I’m sexy) but at least it’s an open conversation. Kudos to Miss O and her Mama!