My Kid Fell and Needed Brain Surgery: How Can I Free-Range NOW???

Here’s a note I got 10 years ago. Read to the end for an update!

Dear Lenore:

I consider myself a fairly laid back mama, and I’m always of the opinion that bumps and bruises (and maybe broken bones) are part of growing up. But a few days ago, I was holding my third child, a 9-month-old, as I was climbing some stairs, and I tripped and fell, and she hit her head very hard – hard enough to fracture her skull and require immediate brain surgery.

The good news: she’s doing really well, and they expect a full recovery. I’m beyond thankful and cannot believe she appears to be free of brain damage.

But now that we’re back home I am following her around like a crazy person, so scared she’ll fall or bump her head. My heart stops every time she tries to climb something. She’s a typical active 9-month-old who wants to explore everything. The surgeon who fixed her told me, in no uncertain terms, that she CANNOT get another head injury. Like, ever. He reminded me that damage is “cumulative” and a second injury could be devastating.

How have other parents dealt with this kind of concern, post-accident? How can I feel like I’m keeping her from harm without hovering 3 inches away for the next 18 years? I feel like all my relaxed attitudes about parenting I’ve established in the past 5 years have flown out the window, and I am going to be a nervous wreck with her forever. God forbid she wants to play sports or rock climb or something like that in the future.

Thank you so much. —  Anna

Anna — first of all, so glad about the recovery. What you and your family have been through — wow.

But secondly — and I think you know this– being “right there” didn’t prevent the first injury. So…so…we have a lot less control, and fate has a lot more, than we imagine.

I wonder if, after some time has passed — like even a year, perhaps — you can talk to a different surgeon about whether your child can do anything again ever. The doctor’s decree sounds both draconian and a little punitive, just seeing it here. Meantime, good luck on all fronts – L.

I posted Anna’s letter and here are a couple of the responses:

Two years ago I put my just turned 2-year-old in the backyard while I made dinner. A minute or so later I looked out, and the gate was open, and he and the dog were gone. No one had told me that he had learned to open the gate while I was in the hospital having his sister five weeks earlier!

I looked up and down the alley, all around the streets, banged on doors and screamed, and finally called 911. The police found him in a pond 3 blocks away, behind 3 strands of barbed wire. He was waist-deep in the water, giggling and splashing.

It took 12 mins from the time I called until they rescued him, and much of that was getting through the barbed wire. I got a stern lecture on leaving my child alone to roam and was told I must take him to the ER (where I was treated for shock…he was fine).

I was on antidepressants until just a few months ago and could not even walk past the pond without getting hysterical. But I made myself let him play in the backyard alone, even though people would say, “I can’t believe you leave him!” Time really will heal you. God bless!

My son got into an ant bait last week while I wasn’t home, and he was with his dad. He’s fine and did not even require an ER visit. Now I’m fighting the irrational fear of leaving him with his dad (who I truly do not blame, he turned his back for an instant and well, we didn’t know he knew how to get into the place where it was stored) as well as letting him play in the kitchen while I cook or clean. If some small scale incident like mine can make me feel this way, I can’t imagine how this mom must feel. I agree with getting a second opinion on the “can’t let her do anything” and I wish her the best with her daughter.

I recently wrote back to Anna to see how everyone’s doing. She replied:

Hi Lenore! My now 10-year-old daughter is totally thriving and it’s so funny to read that email I sent 10 years ago.

When she was a toddler/preschooler, we had an amazing nanny who helped me a lot with teaching my daughter how to stop and think, “Does this feel safe for my body?” when doing things like climbing trees, etc.

She got very good at thoughtfully taking on new risks as a 3, 4, and 5-year-old. She actually is now my most adventurous and physical kid, playing lots of sports (and inserting herself into the boys’ soccer game at school). She seems to be pretty aware of her physical abilities/limitations and very sure of herself physically, which has been very fun to see.

Incidentally, I refer to her as “Free-Range” all the time, because she walks all over the neighborhood by herself, and she and a group of similarly aged kids regularly organize a neighborhood street soccer game and nighttime capture-the-flag in the park near our house.

I had a 4th (and final!) child who is now 4. While I still think about my daughter hitting her head almost every time I walk up that staircase, I have been able to get comfortable with my 4-year-old taking on physical risks.

Thank you for checking in! We have an amazing neighborhood here in Portland and a lot of parents have adopted a more hands-off approach in our neighborhood, which our kids have really loved to be a part of. The kids organize lots of their own activities and I think are all much better for it.

Cheers,

Anna

If you’ve had a scare and dealt with the repercussions, join the conversation on our Facebook page, Raising Independent Kids!

Anna and her baby — then and now!