Oh Thank You, I Could Never Have Figured This Out on My Own

What if the children compare the letters and notice that they’re all the same? That could frighten the living daylights out of them. They might conclude that while they’ve been away their parents have been abducted and replaced by robots!

Nice quote Alia. From the pattern that I’ve been seeing over the years, it seems it all has to do with the parents own insecurities. Or adults with insecurities. All of these “micro-parenting” techniques just sound like a bunch of insecure people who feel they need to be seen as “intelligent” by coming up with these dumb-ass advices. But they are smart, because they know there are plenty of heli-parents out there, that would eat up all these types of advices. “Can never be too careful” attitude. Or “my child is to precious to do anything on their own, so I’ll do it for them”. My tip to them, by trying to make yourselves look more and more smart, you look more and more stupid. lol

My kids have been going away to camp for the last three years and I have yet to write an actual letter to them. The first year they went I sent them e-mails, but they didn’t mention those as the high point of the week, so I stopped doing it. This week they’ll be gone for two weeks consecutively and I probably won’t send a thing. They know we love them and are proud of them and don’t need a letter by their plate to get it.

You know the answer Lenore … this is a site for adults who were themselves raised by helicopter parents and never learned how to do anything for themselves. They NEED a site like this to tell them how to write a note to thier kids.

I remember as a teenager reading articles about the disturbing educational practices of Japan, such as minutely regimented school days, teaching to the test instead of teaching comprehension or critical thought, and so forth. They were bearing fruit, said these reporters, in people who could no longer do a simple Japanese flower arrangement without a diagram and people who got to college and simply stopped caring, because nobody was pushing them anymore. And the incidence of bullying in the lower grades was horrific.

Two decades later, we’re copying Japan.

I had a conversation with another mom recently who said, “I think camp would be great for my daughter but she was ambivalent and I never want to push her into anything.”

If I gave up every time my kids were ambivalent, we would do nothing. Ever.

Just what we need: a “boiler plate/template” to take all the personality out of a letter between child & parent.

Dear _______(please put your child’s name here)

This is mom/dad (please circle the one which applies). We miss you so much, _____ (please fill in the child’s name here). Dad & I really look forward to your return home & hearing about all the wonderful things you’ve been doing at _____ (please fill in the name of your child’s camp here). I hope you are really enjoing yourself sweetie/darling/pumpkin/my sweet angel (please circle the one which applies).

Ugh.

Sadly here in UK we do have parents who would not know how to write a letter. However they wouldn’t be sending their children off to camp either mainly because we don’t have camps like you have in US

I think this is more a sign of the decline of our intellectual capacity as a society, not necessarily helicopter parents. Scary to think these folks are raising kids, but as someone else said, at least they’re sending them to camp.

Dear Son:

I hope you are having fun at camp. I miss you terribly and have been drinking myself into a coma every night until you come back home. Your dad is catatonic when he’s not looking at porn on the internet, and the cat has run away. We keep forgetting to feed and walk the dog, who is mopey and pooping in the house a lot these days. We’ve decided to hold off on laundry and living until you return. Grandpa’s heart is bad, but will stop breaking when he knows you are home safely. BTW, we sent a babysitter to keep an eye on you. We’d go ourselves but we’re too whacked out on prescription drugs to drive ourselves there. The web cam we stuck in your luggage should do fine, if you would ever unpack. We know you’re not brushing your teeth because the tiny microphone we installed in your toothbrush hasn’t submitted anything for three days.

Have a great time. It’s wine o’clock. Love, Mom

Now this does not bother me too much and here’s why. I was a camp counselor. Most parents would do just fine, but here’s why this might not be obvious. Picture a kid who tends to be homesick and a parent who writes a letter like, “Dear Susie, it’s just not the same without you here. Fido won’t eat and Fluffy just meows on your bed. We think about you all the time. It’s no fun without you here. We hope you are having fun though.” There are the parents out there that feel insecure if their kids don’t miss them enough. That can be felt pretty intensely by kids. Sure I agree with the idea that we don’t have to analyze every little thing, but writing a letter that encourages your kids to have fun without you and still lets them know you care is fine by me.

@ Martin: Why would they need this? Unless they don’t know how to read or write, I’m sure they are capable of composing their own letters.

@ Wendy: Can they hold a conversation? If so, it’s just a matter of writing it instead of speaking it.

@ Heather: I agree to a point. The reason for “decline in intellectual capacity” is because they stopped thinking for themselves, and just relied on others to give them the answers. Unfortunately, that’s like the blind leading the blind, in a place they have never been to before.

@ Dolly: I can’t fathom how parents can’t talk to their own children. The only reason I can think of is because they are to scared of them. Of what they might do, or the kids might stop “loving” them. But that’s all a matter of conditioning. They need to learn to put their foot down, grow a backbone, and let their kids know who’s in charge. This site wouldn’t be beneficial. It would just perpetuate the issue of them not being able to talk to their kids. To solve a problem you need to meet it head on, and deal with everything it entails. Not sweep it under the rug and ignore it. Using a template, or someone else’s ideas is ignoring their own problems. Relying on others to give them the answers.

I never once got a letter from home, when I went to camp growing up. And I didn’t mind at all. Still had a great time. Everything I needed to hear or have, my parents gave to me before I left. All the talking about camp was saved for when I got home, at the dinner table. 😉

As a parent I get a lot of advice, particularly from school that I find a teensy bit insulting, e.g. how to read nursery rhymes to your child! (we were actually expected to take time off work and come into the school for that session, although I have to say I’m noticing less of this stuff now, maybe the message is getting through). I know if you whine about this sort of thing the retort is always: “Oh you middle-class parents, are you so privileged and lacking in imagination that you can’t imagine that there are some parents who actually don’t know these things and need guidance and support – it’s not actually meant for you so shut up and stop whining.”

Well my take on that is that the “hard to reach” parents that this stuff is intended for take no notice of it (and I don’t blame them actually) and it just annoys everyone else. So the net effect is negative. Overall, I think this avalanche of advice and guidance has one very big negative effect. It suggests that “parenting” is extremely complicated and requires expert guidance. It’s not and it doesn’t. Ultimately, this just makes parents less confident. Not good for them and not good for children either.

Eric: Well let’s see in one case I witnessed firsthand the parents were so out of touch with their kids they did not know how to talk to them. The parents were so busy with their jobs and their own social lives and their own wants and needs, they really did not even KNOW their own children well enough to carry on a real conversation! Now ask the nannys or daycare workers or dance teachers about their kids and they could tell you something. Ask the parents, they would not know.

Another way I have seen firsthand: The parents are way too far in the generational gap. Like grandparents raising grandkids or even great grandkids. Or parents who have kids later in life. Sometimes it is hard for people with huge age gaps to communicate effectively. Have seen that. Doesn’t mean there is not love there or good parenting, just means there are obstacles to overcome with communication.

Another thing I have seen was what you said about parents being afraid of their kids. They can’t ever say anything negative to their kids because they think their kids will hate them or yell at them and God knows we don’t want that!!!

The one I was thinking the “how to write a letter to your kids at camp” was aimed at was the top one though. For the parents who not only send their kid away to camp every summer but also send them to a nanny during the school year and to activities and to the sitters so that the poor kid does not even KNOW their parents and the parents do not KNOW the child. Its hard to talk to strangers, right?

Myriam: I don’t know about that. Parenting is actually a very hard job. I have met a bunch of parents that did not have the first clue about parenting. They didn’t know the basics or the more complicated things. They just stunk. They actually could use some classes. But of course, they are the types that don’t go either.

I remember when my mom wrote me a letter at camp telling me how much she was enjoying listening to my new U2 album (which I had gotten 2 days before I left).

It was impossible to rebel against this woman – she liked all the same music!

If my kids were at a camp for just a week or two, I can’t imagine writing to them. I’d be too worried that they’d get homesick from it, although maybe I shouldn’t worry about that. They spend that kind of time with grandparents without me, and the rare call goes just fine now because they’re old enough to cope with talking with me and not getting too homesick. Get them used to going out without me and they’re fine, with or without contact.

Hmm, as a mom who works long hours, I am not distant from my kids. When I had a nanny, I worked at home so I could hear everything, in addition to being with them face-to-face for over half of their waking hours. When I sent them to daycare, it took some creativity at first to get them to tell me about their day, but I made the effort. Tots aren’t good with open-ended questions, so I’d go through a list that usually started with “what did you have for lunch today?” And I’d tell them a little about my day too, so we could have some back-and-forth. Now, more often than not, my kids are waiting to tell me the highlight (or lowlight) of their day when I pick them up. We spend the evening together, and not in a room with a TV.

I’ve seen SAHMs who have poorer communication with their kids than I do. I wish people would stop making it about whether we work. It’s about whether we try.

That said, I don’t know that I’d write my kids at camp. My younger siblings used to go for a week-long camp and did not need letters during that short time. If the camp were a couple weeks or more, I could see one letter a week, maybe, especially for a younger kid.

“HOWEVER, that is not the same demographic who reads these helpful articles, NOR is it the same demographic that sends their kids to camp ”

Precisely.

Jynet’s comments put me in mind of the reactions I get from other parents when they ask about my daughter at college, and I tell them, but then go on to say, “Well, she had this and this going on, but I’m not sure how it turned out because I haven’t talked her since last week.” You’d think I’d either grown a rhino horn in the middle of my head, or said that I was planning to join a baby-eating cult, or both, with the looks I get.

It’s not that we don’t communicate and keep up with each other, but she’s in college. She has her own life, and it doesn’t include constant communication with her parents. When she needs something or just needs to talk, she calls, and we call her fairly regularly, but just not as frequently as some might deem “normal.” And if something were wrong, we’d know about it.

This idea that either the child or the parent (and I suspect it’s more often the parent) is missing something essential if they’re not talking three times a week, let alone daily, whether it’s college or camp, is just something I don’t relate to. If there’s some crisis going on, if the kid is homesick, or if there’s a separation due to some unfortunate necessity, I can see it. If it’s because the kid is having a blast at camp or college or wherever, and the parents are busy with their own normal activities, I don’t.

And so, I can’t really imagine a pressing necessity for a letter with a week’s separation. For a fairly young child (under 13) I could see doing it just because receiving a letter would be kind of special, kind of fun. But not because there’s some necessity to hear from me during a six-day separation when the end time is well known.

SKL: case in point: I have known families that sent the kids to daycare in the daytime all day, then had a nanny for nights and weekends. So constant childcare by someone other than the parent. They were not special agents or something SO important either. Just doctors. They straight up admitted they never wanted to be left on their own with their kids without someone else there to whisk the child away should it cry or bother them.

That is NOT parenting and those parents DONT know their kids. So of course, if they wanted to write a letter to them while they were at camp, they would need instructions. Not that they would even take the time to do that, but you know, in case they wanted to.

Not everyone is a good parent. Its not hard to understand. I don’t why people try to argue that??

Dolly – just read your 5:08 post – I could totally see why a doctor would want an evening/weekend nanny. What if they got called for an emergency outside of daycare hours? It doesn’t mean they don’t spend time with their kids when they are not working. It may just mean they have invested in a reliable back-up plan.

I admit it’s possible that the parents aren’t in tune with their kids as much as other parents, but the fact that they have paid help to back them up on evenings and weekends is NOT per se evidence of poor parenting.

And another thought. That kind of setup happens to more closely mirror the traditional family where one or more grandparents or spinster aunts were around to help the parents – with practical issues as well as passing values along. In my own family, we older siblings played a similar role with the younger two. Having additional important people in a child’s life does not equate to sucky parenting.

Brain Burp – I am totally stealing your dad’s write-in-a-circle idea!

I do not understand the concept of sending your kid a letter with all the details of the running of the household in their absence. I mean, yeah, I guess if you want them to start thinking like that and end up homesick…sure.

I buy a funny/silly/stupid card for every day and the camp doles them out. Her dad and I don’t write much in them – we joke or enclose a funny picture, tell her we love her. Sometimes we’ll rub the dogs’ dirty paws all over them. Once I covered one in water droplets, let it dry, and said the cat was sobbing uncontrollably because she was gone. Seriously, if she got a card that read, “Whatever you did, we’re very proud of you for trying!” she would think I was off my nut, and tell the cabin counselor that her parents had been replaced by pod people. Now, if I wrote and said, “That thing you did? You know, yesterday? You pretty much sucked at that. Good thing you’ve got brains, kid!” she would just die laughing.

One of the cards this time was the standard “I’ve enclosed a hug” variety, so I wrote in it that her dad had actually hugged the card himself, that she would likely be able to smell armpit if she sniffed closely. And her dad saw what I wrote, grabbed the card, and rubbed it under his arm. Ugh. And she will LOVE it.

Teachable moments in the camp missives? Yeah, we don’t do that in our family. 🙂

Neener-love how you do the cards! What a hoot and I bet your child and the kids around her love it too. Much better than the gushy kind especially at camp in front of peers….

If we are going to go off on this tangent of time for kids if you’re a stay-at-home-mom (NOT “SAHM” by the way) or hire nannies or this & that, well, my 2 cents worth.

Your needs as a parent are NOT secondary to your child’s needs. Yes there are things you give up, in terms of–if your child is sick, you go to the doctor etc, even if you are tired & don’t feel like messing with it. You make sure your kids are fed even if you don’t feel like making something. Sure.

But after awhile it gets ridiculous. For example, a while back, when we had a car with a broken air conditioner, in a state with 100’F temperatures, people were somewhat lecturing us “you can’t go around like that, those kids get hot.” Sure–but we adults aren’t hot too? C’mon, we’re all a family, we’re all going through the same thing. It’s not as if we’re willfully letting them burn up, and their burning up–other than their bodies perhaps being a little less tolerant of it–is no more important than that WE’RE burning up. I don’t subscribe to the whole “they’re kids, they don’t have a child” rubbish. It’s rubbish. We’re more than unpaid slaves for our minors, c’mon already.

I don’t get these parents who, for example, will buy Goodwill clothes for themselves but then pay top dollar for brand-new items for their kids’ clothes. Not us. Whatever we get for ourselves–Goodwill, brand-new, in-between–the kids get likewise. Their clothing needs are no more important than ours. In fact, arguably, they’re less-so–for one, we work (either me, my wife, or both), no one’s going to fire my kids from their job (ha ha) for not wearing suitable clothes. Thank goodness, by the way, the local school doesn’t have school uniforms–a dress code, yes, but not uniforms. Yes we do buy them nice clothes–but we also buy ourselves nice clothes, and they have “rags” for wearing outside–what does it matter if it’s going to get muddy anyway?

I also don’t get these women–and men too, let’s not forget them–who don’t work-out anymore or fix themselves up because “I don’t have time because of the kids.” Some of them even are proud of–frankly–looking like old hags or bag ladies because “I’m too busy being a parent to worry about that silly stuff.” Oh puh-leaze. How about your husband, who has to look at you naked, who is bound to you & only you for life? Don’t you think he deserves more respect from you that he is still your husband, your lover etc–and that if he is to be faithful to only you, maybe you owe him your best? That is JUST as important–maybe even MORE so–compared to what you give or don’t give your kids.

To that end, I myself STILL work out. My 2 & 4 year-olds play alone in the fenced-in area while I workout playing basketball aggressively for nearly an hour non-stop. When they were younger, upon returning from work, I’d leave the 8-month old in a stroller outdoors in the shade while I did so. If she started crying for attention during this time & it wasn’t an emergency, I plugged my ears with an MP3 player and played anyway. She got plenty of attention from me later, but she had to see that she wasn’t the center of my world and that I had other things–and that she WOULD get attention from me when all was said & done.

In like manner, I’m already training them to NEVER interrupt me when I’m on the phone unless it’s something like a metal rod is sticking out of your eyeball, or there’s a pool of blood large enough to camouflage Godzilla from view. Anything else is a form of disrespect and will be met with a flyswatter to the bare legs.

Parents nowadays give their kids tons of toys for Christmas but each other hardly anything at all. Not us–growing up the ADULTS got the better toys. We still got cool & fun stuff, sure, but we got to see the adults get better stuff and understand that such came with the seniority and responsibility of being an adult, you EARN these things as you grow up & take on more adult roles in life. To give the kids all the good stuff while you, the adults, doing all the grunt work, receives mere leftovers–that’s an insult, and it spoils kids in being a bunch of whiny brats who demand $200 LeBron sneakers.

4 years ago we left our then 5 month-old girl (now 4) with a friend who watched her for 24 hours while we went off for time to OURSELVES, on our 7th wedding anniversary. We slept in a fancy hotel costing some $200 a night (luckily we got it half-off), it was downtown, riverwalk, glass elevators–it even features valets to park your car. We NEVER stay in such hotels, but did so for this occasion, our 7th wedding anniversary. For 24 hours–no kids, just us. You HAVE to take time for yourself.

No you don’t want to be self-indulged and give your kids “crumbs of left-overs.” Those who give their kids nothing while they go on 2-week long cruises–that’s not right. Those who eat great food while giving the kids the cheap stuff–not right. Those who ignore their kids & spend no time with them at all–not right.

But to place boundaries that prevent your children from taking over everything, preserve some romance for you & your spouse, and allow you to keep yourself in shape and still in-touch with your own hobbies and interests–that’s absolutely appropriate.

My apologies if my “rant” was too long and beside the point. Then again, sending your kids to camp sounds like a good way to do all of this. Truth be told–the adults are sort of ENJOYING it for the privacy it gives each other, time to focus more exclusively on their OWN interests. I say–good, take advantage of it, don’t feel guilty about it at all.

LRH

How do you open the letter if your kid isn’t named “Michael” or “Mikey”?

Dolly, I have known a couple of kids whose parents didn’t really want them around. In one case it was a biracial child in a place and time when that was still hard, and the mom sent the kid with whomever she could so she could go clubbing. Literally, the kid would go for a week or more without seeing his mom. His grandparents ended up adopting him.

The other was a boy down the road. I would try to send him home so we could eat dinner and he would say that no one wanted to see him at home. I believe him. There were a few days he was here at 6;00 in the morning until 6:30 at night, and no one called to see where he was (I know no one was awake when he left home. I wasn’t either.) When he was home, he cramped his mother’s style. You see, she was a meth user and was trying not to use in front of him. He is in foster care now.

Those are two cases of people not wanting kids. Yes, I have known people of means who hire nannies, in situations like you mention. It strikes me as…well, Victorian. Not our standards for today, but at least the kids are cared for. Why did they have kids then? Who knows. Why did the two parents above keep their kids and not have an abortion or have them be available for adoption when they were so not ready to have kids? Not a clue. But I am going to try not to judge too much. Kids are a fun thought at a certain stage of life, but reality can be tougher than the idea, and a lot more work than anticipated.

Dear Larry,

Thanks for all the excellent parenting advice. I always love your posts about how awesome you are as a dad and husband. Keep it up.

I can’t help but think that parents who need a website on how to write letters to their kids at camp are never going to actually write letters to their kids in camp. The crackheads aren’t sending their kids to camp. The parents who dump their kids on nannies aren’t going to develop a sudden urge for parenting that would involve deciding to write a letter, realize they cant, look up on the internet to see if there is a website, read the website and then write the letter.

Feels the same as reading this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2002862/Why-quilting-uniquely-good-us.html

What I got out of that article is that we need to be told that participating in a hobby we enjoy is fun… wow.

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/local/20110614_Phila__judge_overturns_expulsion_of_6-year-old.html

“A Philadelphia charter school abused its powers when it expelled a kindergartner for touching his teacher’s thigh, a Common Pleas Court judge has ruled.

The unnamed 6-year-old touched the top of his teacher’s thigh after she complained of leg pains, Judge Paul P. Panepinto wrote in his opinion.”

Gee, Larry. I really wish that I could be comfortable with the idea that I DESERVE to be selfish with my time and money like that. But I can’t.

See, kids can’t provide for themselves, which is where parents come in. I agree that parents need romantic time together and the occasional splurge, but if it comes down to replacing my son’s shoes that he’s busting out of or my capris that that got paint spilled in them, my kids will ALWAYS win.

This isn’t rubbish, it’s a parenting choice. Their wants don’t come before my needs, but their needs will ALWAYS come before mine. They need new shoes. That doesn’t mean they’re going to get a pair that costs $200. And I refuse to spend money to spoil myself, knowing that my kids are going without.

I really hate the concept of that website but I look at all the young kids having kids, all the people who have babies and are unprepared to take care of them, and I have to sadly realize that there are parents out there, who probably should have thought twice before becoming parents, who could use this level of education. I can’t believe anyone with an ounce of sense would need that, but I am sure there are those who do…

I “love” how on the camp letter they even have a link to a kid friendly joke site because even parents cant decide what is appropriate for their kids anymore! How ridiculous! And a template for a letter how ridiculous let alone suggestions of what to write. I’m sure we can figure out how to communicate with our kids without all that “help”

SKL – There is a HUGE difference in having a nanny care for your child while you work and dumping your children on a nanny full time. Most of us here understand that there is a difference and are referring to the latter group. I know many who prefer a nanny to daycare. If I had worked during the 1st year of my daughter’s life, I would have hired a nanny. I have also known a few who have 24/7 childcare help and it’s evident that the nannies (or grandmothers in several cases) are 100% responsible for the raising of the child while the parents live their own lives and occasionally interact with their children. The parents have a poor relationship with the children and actually freak out at the notion of being left alone with their own children for a period of time (I had a co-worker who complained about her mother taking a vacation because she and her husband had never spent an entire week alone with their then 4 year old child). The previous group can generally write a letter to their kids without the help of a website; the latter group probably won’t write a letter to their kids with or without a website.

Neener and Brain Burp – I’m definitely using some of your ideas for camp writing.

So my daughter goes to camp – I try to get one or two letters to her. This year since she’ll be 14 they may be addressed to My Darling Precious Daughter – because it will embarrass her. I think.

I was debating whether to send her to junior high camp (which includes 9th graders – as the oldest campers) or senior high camp (which also includes 9th grade and she’d be among the youngest). She chose senior high – and we agreed. I guess I’d rather throw her into a safe camp to start experiencing being with older kids.

I’m currently taking a parenting class (GAG!) because it was mandatory for the summer program my 6 yr old is in. And since they have a waiting list – they can say if the parent doesn’t want to attend class, they don’t have to have your kid. I’ve done one class so far – tomorrow is the second. Actually the therapist running the class almost apologized to me for making me attend (we’ve known each other professionally for about 10 years) but she agreed to give me CEU’s for the class. It would be surprising to some some of the parenting that is being taught… okay – it is GOOD information. What can be surprising is the fact that it is needed with some parents. sigh

As a former camper, there were some parents who could REALLY REALLY REALLY benefit from basic letter writing instructions.

I am with Mary. I splurge on myself for sure. I try to keep myself happy and my husband happy. But in the end, I care more about my kids happiness than mine. Because they didn’t ask to be born. I chose to have them and raise them and its my job to care for them now. I suffer from severe to moderate back pain. There are times I really don’t want to move. But I have to. I have always had to to play with and take care of my kids. That is putting them first.

They have nicer stuff than we do. That is okay. They deserve nice stuff. I don’t want them to do without. I would rather do without if it comes down to it. Just like I would give them the last piece of food we had left even if that meant I starve. Couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.

There is a difference between a full time live in nanny and a nanny that works while you are working and maybe a little extra here and there. Big difference.

They were not on call doctors either. One was a plastic surgeon who did boob jobs. I doubt she gets many of those in the middle of the night last minute. She also had zero control over her kids. Everyone in the daycare noticed it. Probably because she never spent time with them.

I think sometimes we need to remember that “bad parenting” is beating kids upside the head with implements, starving them, prostituting them, locking them in the closet, stuff like that. Those are the kinds of things that are going to make them grow up warped (if they grow up at all). We can pick at each other about details like whether we spend 3, 6, or 12 hours per day personally interacting with our healthy, stimulated, safe, fun-loving children, but we all know that these parenting choices make no significant difference in the long run.

The whole discussion about writing letters to kids at camp presupposes that kids go to sleep-away camp. I’m not sure what percentage of kids do, but I’d bet it isn’t very high. So what kinds of parents are in that minority that send their kids to camp? Hmm, most likely they have enough education to write a letter, and enough interest in their kids to identify an appropriate camp and care how the kids will feel while there.

Granted, there are camps targeting troubled or low-income kids. What are the chances that their parens are on the internet looking for sample letters to write to their kids? (PS, my mom once told me that her brothers were invited to go to a free camp, but they could not go because you needed to pack 5 clean pairs of underwear, which was more undies than the brothers owned, clean or otherwise. So even at a free camp for poor kids, there are barriers to entry.)

Hi Lenore,

Thanks for your thoughtful post. I could not agree more that we parents spend too much time looking for experts. I’m not a child psychologist or a professional educator.

Imagine your kids go to summer camp for a good part of the summer. It’s not easy keeping those letters interesting, let alone maintaining your sanity in the process! So you’re talking to a fellow parent over coffee and you ask them how they keep their letters interesting. They might share a tip with you or tell you about their favorite joke site.

That’s actually what the Letters to Camp Blog is all about. Parents helping other parents – based on their own experience.

After writing 100’s of similar letters and emails to my kids a few years back, I thought there had to be a better way to do this. So I applied my self-taught parenting skills, did some research, and began writing the Letters to Camp blog to help fellow parents.

And it seems like it’s helped hundreds of fellow parents. No magic answers. No sage advice. Just parents helping parents – kind of like Free Range Kids. And I hope more parents will share their experiences so we can all benefit.

— Steve

P.S. The letter you mentioned is a sample. I wrote it because to my own surprise, a lot of people ask for advice on how to write a basic letter to camp. I would hope that people use some originality when writing their own.

Not that this is about Angelina Jolie, but I can’t imagine what is wrong with her having a nanny for each kid. Aside from the fact that the nannies teach the kids about their individual birth countries and languages, the mom obviously needs to travel and work odd hours, and the parents clearly have the money for it. I call that stimulating the economy and providing flexibility for the family. And also none of my business.

Just because I used to have a secretary doesn’t mean I didn’t type most of my letters. It means I had the ability to choose whether it was best for me or her to type a particular letter. Just because I pay a child care professional doesn’t mean I don’t take ownership of the things I consider most important to do with/for my kids. Even if I had a nanny for each child 24/7, I would still do what I felt was right for each of my kids. (And even if I had no child care help, I would still NOT do certain things other parents might choose to do for their kids.)

I think it’s fine. Everyone has different levels of experience and ability.

I am sorry for over-posting, but besides my tendency to have typos before I click “post” (not an excuse for sloppiness, just saying), I also find that right after I post, a new post has arrived which I also would’ve wanted to comment on had I seen it originally.

To wit, SKL, exactly. I may or may not agree with Angelina Jolie and Brat Pitt adopting 3011 kids from 90 different countries and having a nanny for each & every one, and I stress that I may not agree with that–but as you say, that is their business. (And I admit, also, that whether or not someone parents with the “my kids’ needs come first” perspective or the John Rosemond style of “put yourself first, then your kids” as I understand it anyway, that also is each family’s business even as we may argue for or against the concepts.)

And heck, as much as I love my kids and am doing okay with them overall, at times I’d like a break from them, and frankly, if I had a live-in nanny, I’d certainly take advantage and say “I feel like going out alone for awhile, I’ll be back in 1-2 hours or so” and I’d just plain do it. I have a mother-in-law who gives me breaks if I ask, but I don’t ask very often because I don’t want to over-impose, she’s a fair distance away (about 30-40 minutes) and her style of parenting doesn’t match mine that closely–it’s not horrible by any means, but I like things the way I like them, but when someone is watching your kids for you free as a favor, you can’t make the same demands you could of a nanny who is being PAID by you to parent based on YOUR philosophies.

LRH

along the same lines, just ran into this article about a new book on how to play with your kids.. http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_FEA_PARENTING_THE_ART_OF_ROUGHHOUSING?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2011-06-14-11-31-13

“Parents usually aren’t doing it exactly the right way, ” seriously?? There is a whole thing on how to “twirl” right…. and here I was thinking you just spun around in circles until you were both falling over laughing….. goodness… I have been twirling and roughhousing wrong my whole life!!!

Lenore,

Three things came to mind concerning this topic.

1.) Don’t you think the internet and blogging has encouraged this kind of thing? We have all these people out here wanting to fill a niche, wanting to be unique, thinking ” Hmmm, I wonder what expertise I have that can help somebody.

2.) Don’t you think that some people might think of Free Range Kids the same way? You know, they come across it and say, “Good Grief, you mean somebody actually has a blog about what should come naturally? Just letting your kids play and have some independence like we all did when WE grew up? Really? And lots of people actually READ this blog and leave long comments??

3.) Do people really send Real Paper Letters to kids at camp these days? How old fashioned is THAT?

The problem is one of authenticity. Some of the responses here were concerned about “uneducated” parents who wouldn’t know how to write a proper letter and might need help. That’s a lot of hooey. I’d rather have a genuine letter from my “illiterate” loved one, than a generic one from a template.

I couldn’t believe that remark about the camp that gives (demands parents take!!) PARENTING classes for the program the KIDS are going to! Say again? They can’t take any chances I suppose. There may be some renegades out there who haven’t read How to Talk so Kids will Listen. Best to level the playing field, bring those bad parents up to snuff. Cause (lean in close), I know it’s hard for us “good” parents to believe, but, sigh, some parents need it. Sigh. Let’s face it, there are just some bad parents out there. Some even use nannies. Yes. Nannies. Can you believe?? I know what’ll be fun – let’s all go “Tut tut” at the same time. That’ll feel good.

Why are we constantly insisting parents have to be better than they are? Parenthood shouldn’t be about “doing it right”. STOP saying it is a hard job. Stop thinking about it as a “job” at all. Is being a wife a job? Is being a brother a job? Is being son or daughter a job? Are you reading all sorts of books and attending classes on how to be a better sister?

I remember my first year of college, another student (who was obviously old enough to know better) said she always hated The Brady Bunch, because her family was nothing like that, and it made her feel bad about her own family. Wow. She confused a TV show with real life. That was weird. At least The Brady Bunch was so hokey that most of us figured out that although we were being shown a family that was supposed to represent perfection, we didn’t buy it. We didn’t aspire to be like them. We knew we were better off with our own rag-tag AUTHENTIC families than that insipid FAKE one (although that house was bitchin’).

The “perfect” families on television were lame. And thus their ability to make most (not that other student, apparently) folks feel bad about how they were doing things was limited. But they have been replaced with something more insidious, something more sophisticated, that actually can almost always make people question the way they do things, and really does manage to encourage a lot of people to chuck out authenticity in the name of “perfection” .

The thing’s moniker is Self Help. Its form takes various shapes: “How to” parenting books, parenting classes, therapy (for parent and child), and even still, TV shows (albeit now in another format, the talk show). The message is more or less singular — you cannot be left to your own devices. If you were, you would screw it up.

Let’s cry “uncle” with all this crap BEFORE we’ve all turned into the Brady’s. Let’s say we’re enough as is, and don’t need constant tinkering.

Last week I sat in my NYC office where the A/C was on the fritz and we were all dying in the 94-degree heat. At the same time, my girlfriend posted on FB that her kids were being dismissed early from school because of the heat and the school’s A/C was also on the fritz.

Repeat: the school dismissed early because it was hot.

God forbid the pwecious childwen are hot and have to deal with being hot because that just NEVER happens out in the real world, right? They must never be outside in frigid temperatures because they will never as adults, stand in the frigidity waiting for a bus or train. And they must never go to camp and not get a letter because growing up they will never wait for a phone call/the email/the letter/the check that never comes, right?

Right.

(*facepalm*)

“Not that this is about Angelina Jolie, but I can’t imagine what is wrong with her having a nanny for each kid.”

I can’t think of a moral or philosophical argument against it.

But practically? It seems unhealthy to split up the kids into different sub-families, and to raise kids in that kind of air of *extreme* pampered privilege. It might be hard to call it “wrong,” but it definitely seems “worse” to me than raising them in something remotely resembling a normal family situation where there’s a bunch of kids with a mom and dad and maybe a nanny to help out when it gets to be too hectic or complicated.

I have only been to camp once (hated it and preferred going to Grandma’s where I could run free, instead of being marched to meals, told when to go to bed, and forbidden to go offsite unsupervised even to buy candy at the corner store less than half a mile away on a nice, residential rural street). I was there for three weeks, and I have not received a letter nor made a phone call to my parents. I am fairly sure my parents didn’t even know the town, let alone the name or address of the camp, so they couldn’t even send the letter if they wanted to.

No, I was not abandoned – the camp trip to a camp a couple thousand miles away and in a different country was organized by my school, so my parents believed I would be taken care of once they dropped me off at the train station and checked me in with the group leader. I was 11, there were total of about 25-30 kids going with my group aged 6 to 16. The six year old did come with her 13-year old sister, though.

The only kids at the camp as a whole who received any kind of communication from their parents during the three weeks I was there were local, from the same or neighboring towns. The rest of us were on our own. And none of us thought anything of it – we were not proud to be on our own, we were not feeling abandoned or traumatized – we just took it matter of factly and never thought of it. Though of course we did fantasize about running away and hitchhiking our way home, those were just fantazies.

I’d just like to point out that in some times and places, kids were pretty much raised by nannies, only interacting with their parents occasionally. And they turned out fine. As people often point out on this website, there are lots of ways to raise kids.

Funny thing, Dolly – people who are childcare experts, psych experts, teachers, etc. – they too have problem kids. People who have attended parenting classes can also have problem kids. Thing is, kids are who they are before they are born. Parenting needs to be child-specific, and you can’t get there by reading a book. My youngest is one of the most headstrong kids I’ve ever seen. This will be a challenge and a blessing forever, because there is no changing her basic personality.

And I think one reason people aren’t appreciating your comments is that you speak in extremes. You can’t really mean you know lots of parents who “never” spend time with their kids or abuse them and cut them down “every chance they get.”

I absolutely agree there are sucky parents out there. I am thinking of one in particular. She does spend time with her kids, but that’s not necessarily a good thing, considering that she models terrible “values.” I could sit here and wonder why God even made such people fertile, but he must have had a plan. Many kids come out of these types of homes all the stronger.

I guess it’s a good thing these parents even let their kid go to camp! Maybe they need a letter writing instructional to be secure enough that as long as they write the perfect letter their kids will be fine at camp! Oh brother!

Hee hee, I agree, the post (on how to write letters) is pretty weak. But, hey, got to give ’em credit–at least they’re writing, and not calling, visiting (!), texting, Facebooking, Tweeting…!

One of my fav memories of sending our two to camp, and, yes, I did write them, was writing them early enough so that, in theory at least, a letter would be waiting when, or soon after, they arrived. I liked doing this, and the camp (which has operated for almost 100 years and is one of the most relaxed, old fashioned I’ve found) encouraged it.

With the postal service traveling to rural MI at a pace slower than the Pony Express, this meant that I wrote them around five days in advance of their departure!

Often they were upstairs, asleep, as I penned that first letter!

Nice memories.

hcunn, on June 15, 2011 at 07:35 said:
How do you open the letter if your kid isn’t named “Michael” or “Mikey”?

BAHA! Thanks, I need a new keyboard now…. coffee and keyboards don’t mix people!

—————

To the off-off-topic conversation:

My child’s NEEDS are equal in importance to my NEEDS, but my WANTS outweigh her WANTS.

If she NEEDS new clothing we buy her new clothing. It is neither of better or worse quality than the clothing that I buy for myself. If I am willing to spend $50 on a pair of jeans for myself I will pay that much for a pair of jeans for her, etc.

If she WANTS a new iphone I am only willing to get her a ‘free’ phone with contract. She can earn the rest or use her money from gifts for the upgrade. But if *I* want a new iphone I go and get it. I earned the money. It is mine to spend as I will, she doesn’t deserve a new iphone unless she has earned it… just like I did.

“Yesterday was sunny and in the 80s. We woke up at 7 and walked the dog.” What the heck is this, a letter or a weather report?

Tuppence: Oh I am a “pissa” alright. I don’t take crap from anyone and I call it like I see it. I have lots of friends and admirers because many people find that refreshing and amusing.

This blog has a lot of posters that seem to really think that all parents are good and we should just give them the benefit of the doubt even if you have tons of evidence that is not the case. I DID know the parents I was talking about. Fairly well. I knew the kids VERY well. It is not like just some random stranger I saw once. I was not the only one that had that opinion either so I know it was not just me.

You know the stereotype of the richie rich mom and dad who has kids and then has the nanny raise them and only brings the kids out on occasion to interact with or show off? Or the richie rich mom who does not work but spends her days at the spa or doing “lunch” with her other rich friends and still has a nanny to mind her child 24/7? Yeah, well that is how one of the moms I was talking about was. Sorry no way in heck you will ever convince me that is “Good” parenting. If you don’t work then you need to be the one taking care of your own kids except for the occasional break. Why have them if you didn’t want to fool with them? I taught dance to her little girl and the woman was a piece of work and everyone thought so. That is terrible parenting. How can you honestly argue it wasn’t?!

Dolly, most of us were raised with some kind of dysfunctional family. We all survived and this generation will too. The kids of the “richie rich” moms will either grow up to be just like them or they’ll see that it wasn’t any fun and try to do better for their kids. As long as they provide food, shelter and clothing with no abuse, it’s not terrible parenting. It’s just not what you think is best.

Jynet has it exactly right. My kids don’t have a lot of frills. Would it bankrupt us? Probably not. Will they appreciate it more when they earn it themselves? Absolutely. All of a sudden, iPods and phones don’t get lost when it’s their money.

SKL – I know people who run their household much like a corporation – the parents control every minute detail of their children’s lives but never do any of the “heavy work” themselves. They create detailed menus, schedules and rules but rarely actually eat with their children, take them to any of the activities, watch their performances, put them to bed or interact with them in any personal way. The nannies (usually more than one) do everything while the parents mostly just make sure that the nannies are following their rules explicitly. The children and parents are not connected on a personal level at all. The parents are very open about it. It seems to be a status symbol in some portions of the population. I don’t get it but whatever floats their boats.

The point was not that they are awful parents. I don’t think all crackheads are awful parents either. The point was that someone who is disengaged from their child because he has essentially left the active childrearing to the nannies is highly unlikely to then be so dedicated to writing to that same child that he will look up pointers on the internet. Anyone who is engaged with their children, whether they have a nanny or not, can probably write a letter to camp without help.

Donna, you must move in different circles than I do, LOL. I honestly don’t know any parents like that. Even the workaholic moms I know will at least make it a point to check in with the children about their day before tucking them into bed.

Oh, wait a minute – my sister whose baby is in the NICU sometimes doesn’t see her toddler every day. She’s kind of between a rock and a hard place, though.

It just struck me that sending a kid off to sleep-away camp must seem like the worst parenting decision, to someone who believes moms should spend all the time they can with their kids.

I just realized I have never received a letter of any kind from either of my parents. No wonder I’m so screwed up.

“And look, yay, you survived to adulthood with the skills to read this blog!”

And the beautiful thing is, this cuts both ways. My mom was arguably quite overprotective in some ways, though I grew up in the era where being allowed to go off for hours on my bike was quite normal, so I wasn’t restricted in that way. But here I am, two arms, two legs, a college degree, and five kids doing pretty okay so far. I’m even learning to let go. 😉

Not that it doesn’t matter what you do, or that choices are unimportant, but generally speaking, we don’t need to stress over getting it absolutely right every possible moment.

@neener

In all my years of camp counseling I can say it is more the camp doesn’t want the responsibility of your kid’s expensive electronics than their concern over what is on their expensive electronics. If something were to happen to it you may say, ‘well daughter it was your responsibility and you didn’t fulfill it,’ but some parents won’t and they’d blame us.
Additionally some of the girls I worked with would get themselves really worked up over something breaking or getting damaged, even if their parent would probably not care too much. I had more girls sobbing over something that broke and when I would talk to the parents on pick up day the parents’ attitude was along the lines of “Eh, that’s why we sent the old flashlight and not the new one.” In six years I became an expert at those sleeping bag stuff sacks because the girls would freak out about their parents’ reaction if the bag wasn’t back in the stuff sack properly.

You should see the garbage we get from the school! Endless suggestions for things we can do with our child in the evening. I wish! My child spent hours doing their stupid homework every night so we barely had time to do anything that we wanted to do as a family.

Dolly, I think you are probably a very nice person, and I mean that. It just doesn’t come across in the way you write, most of the time.

And I doubt I get “uppity” much, but I do get defensive. What I’d really like to do is have my 4yos play with your 4yos, and that would probably convince you that kids can be brought up “my way” and still be pretty awesome kids.

For the record, I’m pretty sure I have not attacked your parenting style, nor who you are as a person.

I went to camp every summer from summer after 3rd grade to summer after 12th grade (maybe even 2nd grade and some years more than one). In all that time I got exactly three letters. One year camp set up a spinning wheel with various oddball items like ‘chubby bunny’, ‘polar dip’, ‘pie in the face’, ‘camp song’, etc on it. Anyone who got 3 or more letters in a day had to spin the wheel (there were plenty of kids who had parents, siblings, friends etc who all wrote a couple of times so at least 1 someone got 3 letters a day). My mom found out about the wheel. My letters? 1st: Did you, 2nd: get a, 3rd: pie in the face?
Yes, yes I did.

The article “How to Land Your Kids in Therapy” is worth a read…

The article “How to Land Your Kids in Therapy” is totally unsubstantiated. The much more obvious conclusion from “kids with very involved loving parents sometimes still end up unhappy in early adulthood” isn’t “normal variation in parenting techniques is ALL IMPORTANT! Even if you try hard you can make your kids MISERABLE!” it’s “Gee, sometimes no matter what you do, your kids end up in therapy. Parenting, no matter how awesome and wonderful, doesn’t protect your child against LIFE.”

@Uly I actually have a running joke with my partner (soon to be husband) about having kids. I want to be a SAHM when the time comes and we joke about it being “so I can screw up our kids myself”. 😀

Certainly how our children turn out is the result of complex interactions between the personalities they come with, how they are raised, their environment and the people in it, and so on. Absolutely. I am simply amazed at how different my children are from each other, how different their memories are, how different their teachers have been, and even the homes we lived in when they were born. My life and circumstances have changed over the years I have been a parent as well. And I often wonder what each child will take with them of their cumulative childhood experiences.

That being said, I don’t believe the “How to Screw Up Your Kids” article is “unsubstantiated.” The idea of different outcomes related to different parenting styles (high vs. low expectations and high vs. low warmth) has been around for a long time (and researched). The parenting style described in the article is a combination of low expectations and high warmth, sometimes labeled “indulgent parenting.” The outcome, ironically, is that children don’t feel loved, valued, and capable. Instead, they feel entitled, anxious, and incompetent

While the article was anecdotal, I found myself agreeing with a lot of what was said, based on my observations and experience both as a parent and as a family counselor. (Yes, that’s anecdotal, too.) One thing I try to emphasize in talking with parents is that being a “good enough” parent is actually easier/happier/less stressful/better for the child in the long run than being a “perfect” parent.

And regardless of why we’re all screwed up, if therapy helps, that’s cool.

Myriam, that’s true! Even though I know it’s ridiculous, I’ve found myself telling my 4yo more than once: “I don’t know why you are being so unpleasant. I did nothing that should upset you. I did A, B, and C to make you happy/comfortable. And apparently all it did was piss you off. That’s the last time I go out of my way to make you happy.” LOL!

I have also had the “Why are you yelling at me when I am just trying to do something nice for you?” moments. I am taking them to the playground and they are giving me a hard time about getting out the door like they are doing me a favor or something! Uh no!

That’s a sweet story Meka

Dolly, I don’t think that most here would argue that there are not bad parents in the world. The problem is that you seem to have a very narrow band of what constitutes good parenting. Any variation for what Dolly would do is seen as bad parenting.

There is a very wide range of acceptable parenting. It may not be a choice that you personally would make, but that doesn’t make it inherently bad. Honestly, having a nanny outside of work hours is simply a life-style choice and not bad parenting. Bad parenting is taking your 9 year old with you to burglarize a building. Bad parenting is teaching your teenager the family business of breaking into soda machines and getting both of you arrested. Bad parenting using your kid as a drug runner. Bad parenting is leaving your kid in the car while you go into hotels and screw men for money.

Uly and Donna have it right. The thing is, too–I don’t think any of us who are parents STRIVE towards being “good enough,” we want to do the best–but the hassles of life and the fact that our own needs still do matter, even though they’re not ALL that matter, will mean that on occasion in certain realms we may well ourselves go along with “good enough” parenting–AND it ought to be socially acceptable to do so, especially if you otherwise tend to strive to do the best you can.

Besides, one can easily beat other parents over the head because you think that what they’re doing is abusive or neglectful when it may well be “good enough” parenting. The parent that cooks their child a full meal for breakfast, as I do, could judge someone else who is doing the “good enough” thing by giving them Cheerios. Yet still, that’s better than giving them potato chips isn’t it? And are you really a bad parent just because you don’t imitate Aunt Jemima and/or Quaker Oats every single morning? That’s what we need to get straight, and outsiders especially.

LRH

I don’t mean to say that parenting does not matter, only that there are many parenting styles that still produce pretty good kids most of the time. And there is no parenting style that produces awesome all-around kids all the time. The point is to build your parenting style around your personal values and your kids’ personalities.

Personally I can only take so much of being “talked at” and I am not much of a talker myself in public. I’m more of a hands-on learner and a reader. I can’t imagine my mom telling me how to divide a pack of gum at the store. One, because my parents didn’t accompany me to the store after I started getting an allowance (at age 5). Two, because I wasn’t allowed gum, LOL. Three, because I would have worked it out myself more effectively than listening to someone tell me how to do it. Even with my own kids, I rarely tell them how to do stuff – if they need guidance, I ask them questions so they get used to applying the knowledge they already have to solve the problem at hand. It works for us – but that’s just us.

This isn’t really on topic but the gum story got me thinking about this. I have 2 kids. The best advice I ever got was if the kids have to divide something to share, have one child divide it and the other one get first choice of pieces. The child that does the dividing will try their hardest to make each piece the same, otherwise the other child will get the biggest one! It works amazingly!

@ Robin – That’s EXACTLY how my husband’s family did it while he was growing up with three siblings. My mother-in-law told me she’d point at one at random and say “you divide” and at another one and say “you decide”. That was fairness in action! 🙂

Piers Anthony crazy, Uly? Do tell. I don’t know much about him, beyond having read a couple of his novels before deciding he was a decent writer with the sexual and emotional maturity of a thirteen year old boy, and losing interest. But I’d not heard anything about him being crazy.

] “The idea that there is a right way and a wrong way to “relate” to our kids.”

Ummm…didn’t you kind of right a book about that, though? I mean, about the right way (free ranging) and wrong way (helicoptering) to relate to our kids?

] “I had a conversation with another mom recently who said, ‘I think camp would be great for my daughter but she was ambivalent and I never want to push her into anything.’ If I gave up every time my kids were ambivalent, we would do nothing. Ever.”

I wouldn’t say “I never want to push my kids into anything,” but I don’t want to push them to go to overnight camp if they don’t want to go. If my kids are ambivalent about overnight camp, or indeed any extracurricular activity, I don’t push them. I don’t consider it “giving up,” because I don’t think it’s something they need to do (like chores, or eating well, or studying). I don’t believe that it matters whether or not they go to overnight camp, or pursue soccer, or do drama. When it comes to personal interests like this, I see no reason not to let them choose the activities that interest them, that are fun for them, instead of the ones I think they should like.

Some kids don’t enjoy camp. Some are solitary or introverted and experience angst in that kind of long-term forced social situation. Some just don’t like camp-type activities. There is plenty to do in the summer. Want to stay home and do swim team every day instead of go away to camp? Want to read underneath a tree all day? That’s fine by me. The only rule we have is if you do choose to sign up for an extracurricular, you finish out the season/class — you don’t quit midway through. You don’t have to sign up again, but you don’t quit if you’ve told me you want to do it and I’ve put down the money. You honor your commitments.

But I’m not going to waste my money and my children’s good time by requiring them to pursue an activity they don’t even think they are going to like from the get go! Why not spend that money and time on an activity in which they show genuine interest? I liked “writing camp” as a kid, in a university dorm. I hated overnight in the woods camp. My parents didn’t force me to go — I though I wanted to, but then I didn’t want to go back, and they never required me to again. I appreciate that my parents gave me the freedom to choose and pursue my own interests instead of requiring me to go to camp, or to play an instrument, or to otherwise do what they liked rather than what I liked.

] “Whatever we get for ourselves—Goodwill, brand-new, in-between—the kids get likewise”

Oh, not for us. We buy better clothes for ourselves than for the kids. They always get second hand or Target. They don’t have to go to work and just roll around in the dirt half the day, after all.

] I also don’t get these women who don’t work-out anymore or fix themselves up because “I don’t have time because of the kids.” Some of them even are proud of—frankly—looking like old hags or bag ladies….

You harp on this a lot. I think a lot of people (like me) don’t work out because we aren’t interested, don’t enjoy it, and looking buff is not a priority for us. For me, it isn’t because of the kids, but the kids are, quite frankly, an excuse someone like me might use around someone like you who tries to make a person feel like a piece of shit because he or she doesn’t want the same lifestyle you do, because he or she has different priorities and interests than lifting weights and running every day. When did physical vanity become such an extreme virtue in our society, anyway? It’s like the camp thing — different people have different priorities and interests. I don’t get why so few people seem to get that or to tolerate that difference. If I like doing X, it’s the right thing to do, and the only thing to do, and you should do it and like it too!

Thanks Uly. Since it’s not confirmed I won’t repeat it, but you had me wondering. My opinion of Anthony as a writer was already not terribly high so it doesn’t really affect any actions I’d take or not take — I wouldn’t have read any more of his books or recommended or bought them for anyone anyway.

“the random twincest in the Harry Potter fandom”

Okay, I’m an HP fan (in the “read the books multiple times and love them” sense, not in the “sit around doing fandom things” sense) and I have no clue what this means.

But I think I’d like it to stay that way, thanks!

If you follow their directions for writing letters you might be able pass the 4th grade FCAT test for writing in Floriduh,