School Bans Hugs (in New Jersey) and Best Friends (in Britain)

Oh my lord, I just can’t stand it. I have seen MANY of these pieces about banning hugging in the United States. It is happening all over the country. Australia, England too. What the hell is wrong with us? Here’s one from Tennessee http://abcnews.go.com/US/video/hs-hormones-hugging-banned-12234432 –Watch where the teacher says “I’m bad about that too, I’ll go up and give a hug and ask how your day is going.” That is considered BAD to do? This teacher feels the need to chastize herself for this caring behavior!!

and Check this one out: FOUR years old! “pre-kindergartener demonstrated “inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment.” http://www.kxxv.com/global/story.asp?s=5785699

This trend is appalling. Utterly, completely, appalling. Most reader comments agree. But tell you what – I am VERY worried about the direction society is heading – you outlaw being human, and come 50 years from now, just what kind of a place will this be??

They can’t physically ban kids from having best friends, it’s not possible. They can only ban them from talking about it.

So they’ll act the same way and call it something else. What a victory for social advancement!

Whatever happened to “Hugs not Drugs”?

Oh please, young kids change best friends more often than you change underwear. It’s part of growing up, learning social skills and figuring out where you fit into the world. They will be stifling these kids’ social development, not to mention their ability to deal with the fact that everybody doesn’t like them all the time. What a shock that will be if you only realise it in the teenaged years.

As for hugs, humans are social, touchy, feely animals. We NEED physical contact, it’s not an optional extra. The obsession with inappropriate touching once again means that they are depriving kids of something that they need in order to thrive.

Right on, Heila! How are kids supposed to learn to be emotionally resilient, if the idiot grown-ups don’t allow them to face the smallest challenge. What will happen to these kids, girls in particular, when they grow up and start attaching themselves and dating? It’s bad enough being dumped for the first time, but imagine it without ever having split from a close friend and learning that life goes on and there are new friends to be made. I fear that they will be so devastated by any breakup, that they’ll stay with any old jerk rather than face a split that they have no experience facing. Kids hurt each other. Kids bounce back. It’s a marvel, not a curse.

How about this?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/23/rfid-chips-brazil-students_n_1374886.html?ref=education&ir=Education

Using computer chips in uniforms to track students.

Yep. Add to the list of other things that need to be banned because they can be used inappropriately sometimes: speaking, eye contact, facial expressions. Sports. Pencils. Mentoring. A/V club and student council. Teaching. Shoes. Food. …

Heaven forbid that kids would actually learn the nuances of propriety through practice, trial and error, and normal social sanctioning.

I came across this yesterday: http://www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/2010/12/is-breastfeeding-six-year-old-ok-er.html It is about breast feeding, and how cultural norms are different for how long a child should breast feed in different parts of the world, specifically comparing Canada and Mongolia.

In Mongolia, it is not unacceptable for a breast feeding mother, who if she feels uncomfortably full, to offer her breast to anyone and everyone in the room regardless of their age or sex. Children are commonly breast fed up to age 4 and beyond.

I bring this up because of the link Claire53 had about the preschooler rubbing his face in the breast of the school aid. This child could very well still be breast feeding (yes, even here in the US, I have a fair number of FaceBook Friends who nurse beyond toddler age.) And, as the father pointed out, the kid doesn’t understand yet that that action is sexual. For him it may just be comforting. Or maybe he had snot coming out of his nose and he wanted to wipe his nose. But not sexual.

So many rants this could get me going on. But I already did my problem with blanket policy/punishment rant yesterday. And I’ve often referred to my former middle-school as a prison for its overbearing rules.

So I’ll just focus on what I can do in my little corner of the world. I’ve always been a bit uptight with physical affection. Time to loosen up a little. I happen to know a toddler who runs up (enthusiastically? expectantly?) every time I give my daughter a hug. It’s high time she at least got a pat on the head.

On the British school(s) that banned best friends – my blog has a revealing perspective on this from a former head teacher with personal experience. She reckons it’s down to ignorance, fear of being blamed and stress. One big problem is that educators don’t know enough – and/or don’t think enough – about the value of play and freedom in children’s lives.

Breathing, too. Every crime ever committed has involved breathing.

What a bunch of tards!! K. So, if he is saying “We certainly do not have a policy against hugging nor do we intend to or have we suspended students for hugging,” Then what is this policy on? And why does he say “”Hugging can be inappropriate and we want to make sure that there’s no inappropriate physical contact.” That’s like saying “you can sit, but not sit. You have to do it standing up.” I really believe, whenever a person of authority makes these ridiculous policies or changes, and they are ridiculous, they should be go through a process of psychological evaluation first. I mean, one would have to come up with this absurd policy, AND say it’s not their policy”. These are the people that are suppose to be looking after our children’s education and mental well being? Riiiiiiight. That’s like having a 2 year old teach Science to a bunch of high school kids. Unqualified and no comprehension of right and wrong just yet. Just what makes them feel good or bad. If I were the kids, I’d hug away.

As for the “no best-friends” policy. When you shield children from the natural order of making relationships and losing them. You take away their ability to deal with the real life situations of getting hurt. You can remove these from children’s lives temporarily, but they will NEVER disappear from LIFE. Sooner rather than later, EVERYONE, young and old will have to deal with a loss. Sheltering, the worse thing you can do to your kids. Just as bad as abusing them or neglecting them. In essence that’s what your doing when you shelter them.

This dumb ass should hangout with the “no hugging” principal. I can be almost certain, that these two grew up with no friends and no affection. So if they had to grow up without them, the kids under their authority shouldn’t either. See what happens when you mess up a kid’s childhood, they grow up to be insecure dumb asses, that has a chip on their shoulder. But they don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe the Superintendent who thinks the “no hugging” policy is sound, should join them as well. And they can just all stand there and stare at each other.

@ wellcraftedtoo: Really? I grew up in the early 70s, and not one of any of the schools I attended, right till I graduated University, ever ban or frowned upon students hugging each other. Until now, I’ve never heard of any school banning hugs. In elementary school, our teachers encouraged affection. When we did well in class, she would give us a hug. Like our parents would when they were proud of us. Or when we got hurt, to calm and console us. When students fought, they would teach us to apologize to each other, and hug and make up. In high school, the only thing we were told to refrain from, was making out in the hallways. THAT I can understand. Because that’s when real “inappropriate” touching took place. lol The psychological evolution of our society is going in the complete wrong direction. And it’s not a good thing.

Eric S., with all due respect, the kind of showy, aggressive, and controlling hugging that was going on (in other middle schools in our area too) was completely understood to be a form of social control by most of the students, and they didn’t miss it. The majority of the students needed an adult to control the minority of students who were using hugging as a token of superiority, not a sign of affection.

@ Jane: Again, banning isn’t the answer. That’s luck sweeping dirt under the rug. Re-read my last post to you.

*That’s ‘like’. Not ‘luck’. lol

When I taught school ten years ago in CA it was taboo to hug the students. Which was unfortunate since many of them were in serious need of some physical affection. We were told that they could come up and hug us, but we couldn’t initiate a hug or really hug them back. It was to protect us (the teachers) from sexual harassment allegations. It was really sad. I taught second grade. Among my students were children who came from seriously ravaged homes and were desperate for affection. The banning of best friends is just as ridiculous. Come on, that’s part of life. Making friends, losing them, moving on, and making new friends. Sure losing a best friend hurts, but it’s just the facts of life. How can the government ban something that isn’t tangible like that anyway?

At what point do kids become immune to all this banning? The amount of largely innocuous things that are banned today for kids in some circles is staggering. Hugs, best friends, climbing, running, tv, juice, video games, junk food … I could go on all day naming commonly acceptable things that are getting banned for kids at home and school these days. Rather than teach kids moderation and proper behavior, we simply ban anything that could possibly be bad if used improperly or excessively.

At some point, kids are going to be so used to stupid, commonly acceptable things being banned that all bans are treated with an eye roll and complete disregard. Things that really matter and behaviors that are truly unacceptable all become lumped in with all the other crap that is banned in their lives. Especially since 99.9% of the “bans” are treated with a wink and acceptance that they are all going on outside the sight of the banner.

People have lost any sense of nuance. If something is bad or wrong somewhere, somehow in some situation, a ban is seen as the only solution. Often there are much better solutions.

Evaluate what makes a hug inappropriate and ban those and if someone breaks the rule, don ´t just give them detention or suspension but actually tell them what they did wrong // you know the teacher ´s job.

Scientific research actually shows that a single best friend — the kind you share you deepest secrets with, is enough to get lonely kids through school without any sort of emotional scars… not to mention the fact that getting and losing friendships is a great learning moment for later in life…

Yea, but did you notice the microchipped kids in the photo are HUGGING!! (lol)

Well – here’s what comes of all this policing deflecting attention from what kids are in school for….American HS kids read at 5th grade level.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/22/top-reading_n_1373680.html

@Erik..please refrain from using the word “tard”, here or anywhere else, forever. Thank you.

I teach toddlers. I tell them they may never touch a person who does not want to be touched, be it a classmate or an adult. It doesn’t matter if it’s a hug or a pat or a smack. That way, all touching that DOES go on is comfortable and appropriate. Teaching children not to touch each other is barbaric and ridiculous.

When my son was a senior in high school, he was reprimanded for kissing his girlfriend under the bleacher at a football game. My response: You are SUPPOSED to kiss your girlfriend under the bleacher at a football game!!!!

I grew up in the early 70’s. When I was in high school, we laid all over each other, hugged, kissed (practically made out) and sat on laps all over the place (school included). Nobody stopped us. Not one of my friends has suffered any ill effects from this permissiveness.

I have always taught my children that their bodies are their own and they have the right to say “no” to anything that makes them uncomfortable. How would it make sense to tell them they own their bodies but they don’t have the right to say “yes” to a touch if they have the right to say “no”. My kids are now 14, 20, 22, 25 and 28. They are all healthy, well-adjusted people.

Sheesh…live and let live..kids included.

When my family was visiting Washington, DC last fall, my 5 year old noticed all the people in camouflage in various places. I explained that they were soldiers, and protected our country (I had told him previously, but we don’t see them so often in Michigan). So when he saw a pair of soldiers, a man and a woman, in a museum gift shop, he walked up to the one, grinned at her, then gave her a bear hug while saying “I love you, lady soldier!”. Made everyone’s day.

As a former middle school teacher I can tell you that the quick hugs of affection that you’re thinking of is not what goes on in middle school. Another poster referred to hugging being a way of showing a pecking order. I’ve never seen it that blatant, but I can well believe it.
No, no, what I’ve seen, and what the administration is probably referring to, is the lean up against the lockers with the boy your interested every single body part melding into each other type hug or worse, the arm strangling the girl’s neck because she’s my property type hug. Every middle school I’ve worked at (I’ve worked at 4) had a ‘no PDA’ policy spelled out in their handbooks which included hugging. Teacher’s aren’t going after the quick hugs of one friend comforting the other or a hug good-bye by good friends, but yes, there are rules against that ‘other’ hugging. I’m pretty sure that this rule refers to PDA hugging, and not friend hugging.

It should be interesting to see how this all plays out with my daughters, who are in the same grade and are known to spontaneously hug each other. So far, I don’t think hugging has been banned in their class.

They are not allowed to share food in school, though. I have one kid who is rather picky and another who would be glad to eat pick up the slack. So I told Miss Picky, give your sister whatever you don’t eat. The girls informed me that that is against the rules, even though they are sisters and share everything all day long. Needless to say, much food is wasted due to this policy.

Z-girl said “Schools face more challenges than you realize; a teacher’s job is tougher than you realize. You can’t know until you’ve spent a day in their shoes. And kids in large groups are harder than ever before to teach. All due to a lack of trust, which almost all of you are contributing to!!”

I am ashamed to say, I have been there. I have been a teacher, and I enforced the silly rules without question. But, they are just that, silly rules that don’t really make sense in most cases. Thankfully, the teaching did not last very long.

You are right, kids in large groups are harder to teach. That is why I advocate for smaller, more locally controlled schools, with smaller class sizes for all students regardless of age. And, it is also why my kids are mostly homeschooled, with the classes that they do take limited to 15 kids per class.

I feel it is healthy to question authority. To not take everything at face value. That I did so when I was teaching, not totally realizing the agenda of the schools makes me sad. And they did have an agenda, and it was not for every student to have a top notch education. Only the kids who came from professional families (doctor’s, lawyers) got that. Others got some vocational training, most were being trained to work in the couple of factories without questioning anything or making waves.

Ok I do see the point about hugging being used as a social manipulation tool, or being of the let’s-melt-into-each-other type. What I don’t see is how a blanket ban on hugging will help. The kids who engage in those kinds of inappropriate hugs are probably also the ones who don’t really care much about all the rules anyway, and will continue doing it every time they think they can get away with it.

@ Z-girl –

Great theory if your goal is to create a bunch of people who never question rules and simply accept them at face value.

Personally, I want my child to question why rules exist and be willing to fight against those that particularly bother her. There are alot of stupid rules and laws in place. If you never question them, you never change them. So I would have no problem discussing with my child the fact that I think that these rules are idiotic and why. I want her to question the way things are as she grows.

That said, my child is also taught that breaking rules has consequences no matter how stupid the rule. You don’t get to ignore rules and laws without penalty because you think that they are dumb. You can choose to ignore a rule because you think it’s stupid, but you need to be willing to accept the penalty for doing so until the rule is changed (as long as the penalty is reasonable).

First, there is a BIG difference between being negative about rules that do not teach or enforce what the problem they are trying to solve (like bans on all hugs if inappropriate hugs are your target) and being negative about schools. I am absolutely a fan and supporter of schools and teachers. Even though my kids aren’t school aged yet I am still an active volunteer as well as an out spoken supporter of my local public schools despite my in-laws anti-public schools stance. That does not mean that I can not be against a rule that creates problems rather than solves them. Being against such rules does not mean my children will grow up “against the system”. My mother was very much the same as I am in regards to the idea of fighting a bad rule but still supporting the school attitude. It is possible.

Second, these bans fail miserably at teaching kids their intended lessons. Bans on hugs and best friends do not teach children appropriate social behavior. They teach children either that all personal connections are bad (thus depriving them of important contact for both their physical and emotional health now and in the future) or that these personal connections should be kept secret (thus leaving them open to being victims of inappropriate contact and not reporting it). Both of these outcomes are harmful to children. Just because schools had good intentions in implementing the bans do not mean the bans should stand nor that those who speak against them are anti-school. It means the bans need to be replaced by something that does not have the same negative, though unintentional, consequences.

Emily, my kids do not bring food, they eat the food served at school, which is already peanut-free. The kids with allergy concerns bring their own food and know not to eat anything else at school. I think it’s actually a germs thing, which is kind of funny since the kids spread germs very efficiently regardless of eating habits. I also think it’s funny that if one of my kids was sick yesterday but better today, she”s not allowed in school but her sister is. Chances are, the second kid is more contagious than the first at that point. Oh well, I guess they have to feel like they’re “doing something.”

@ CrazyCatLady

Sounds like you had a bad experience as a teacher. Does that mean all school districts are the same as the one you worked for? By giving up on schools, you’ve done exactly the same thing the schools are doing by banning hugs: you decided that you will no longer work WITH them and would rather just choose the extreme of banning.

@ Donna

I hear what you’re saying. Yes, it’s OK to disagree and discuss that with your kids. But most posts here are simply slamming the school WITHOUT any thought or discussion, or openness to working with the schools to change things. That is what frustrates me. I agree, some of the rules are ridiculous, but maybe, just possibly, they were made with the best interests of the kids in mind. That the end decision is NOT good is true. But in discussions with my own children, I would make sure to talk about what might possibly have led to the decision, and I would make sure to let my kids know that we should give those decision-makers the benefit of the doubt – that most likely their intentions were good. Then I would talk about using your own judgment about whether or not to follow those rules.

I’m not naive – I just don’t agree with condemning schools. It harms our youth. As little as educators earn, you can be sure that almost every single educator entered their profession in order to help kids. Parents and educators need to work together, and the first thing needed is some level of trust.

Z-girl, most of the people who homeschool have done so based on a lot more than a few little issues. Many have tried to make “school” work but eventually determined that the schools were hurting their kids too much – and then kicked themselves for not pulling their kids out sooner. We’re not talking about “one little mistake.” We’re talking about a clear pattern of harming one or more children.

I’m not a homeschooler at this point, but if I hadn’t taken certain matters into my own hands, if I’d trusted the schools to eventually do the right thing, my kids would have suffered. It is not wrong for a mother to put her own child first, as nobody else is responsible for bringing up that child.

One of the biggest problems in our educational system is that schools do not have to be accountable to their clients. If a teacher wants to completely ignore my child’s needs, what’s stopping her? Nothing, other than my big mouth, assuming I have time to meet with her and she cares what I think. Plenty of teachers just think they know better and treat parents almost as badly as they treat the kids. How many chances do you think they should be given? And the school administration backs up the teachers regardless. How many chances should they get? Meanwhile a child may be learning little beyond how to hate himself.

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem?” OK, but since I have no rights to fire a teacher or principal, change the rules, or even decide which class my kid will be in, my part in the solution may well be to take my kids out and give them the education they deserve some other way.

@ skl1

I guess I haven’t seen anything like what you’re describing: teachers who “just think they know better and treat parents almost as badly as they treat the kids.” That’s appalling and needs to be changed! Also, your “school administration backs up the teachers regardless”. I haven’t ever seen that either! We have almost the opposite at our schools. So maybe I’ve been really fortunate and have encountered the minority of school districts that are the opposite of what you describe, or maybe (and I naively hope this is the truth) YOU have encountered the minority of bad schools. I guess it’s a mistake to assume that a ‘good’ school/district like mine, or a ‘bad’ school/district like yours, are the only type of schools/districts there are.

I also applaud you for stepping in to take matters into your own hands. That’s what you are there for: to advocate for you child if the school isn’t able to meet their needs. But…. you have to start with the assumption that the school will do their best for your child. This starting point of some small level of trust is necessary. But then you also have to understand that they simply cannot meet the needs of all kids (so many assume that schools should be able to – but really, this is impossible!). So you have to step in. That’s a positive thing!! That’s what’s needed: parents and schools working together. It’s a relationship, and like all relationships it needs input from BOTH sides. It seems to me that parents often seem to think that if they have to work at making the school-parent relationship WORK then something is wrong with the school. NOT SO! It’s like marriage: you can’t sit back and do nothing to improve the relationship, and then complain when your spouse makes decisions you don’t agree with.

Jamie Vollmer is a reformed critic of schools, who is now their biggest advocate. I really recommend his book “Schools cannot do it alone”. The title says it all.

I have to agree with Z-girl that our kids do pick up on our criticisms of the school system. Even if they don’t hear us directly, they do pick up on it! I’m very careful not to criticize my husband in front of my kids (and him the same). However, our kids commented the other day how “Daddy doesn’t do chores around the house” and “Mommy is in charge”. My husband and I were shocked but then we looked at how, without criticizing, he asks me what jobs he should do on the weekend (he typically travels during the week) and I tell him what needs to be done, has been neglected or what I need help with. I can just imagine what my kids heard when I was criticizing rant to my neighbour for having her AC on in March and we’re in Canada!

I have many times disagreed with my children’s school and teacher but I never, ever say anything about it in my child’s presence. I usually wait until the kids are asleep or out of the house to talk about these issues. Even when I disagree with my child’s teacher, I still have a lot of respect for his/her job. I don’t know who would want to be in a room full of crazy children all day and not only keep their safety in mind but teach them! Then to deal with their parents before and after school and during their supposed lunch break! It’s bad enough dealing with a problem child but to deal with their parents would be a million times worse. It’s hard enough for us parents to adequately meet the needs of our own multiple children but we expect teachers to cater to their 30 students in six hours each day. I have a lot of empathy with what teachers go through and being disrespectful towards them is not going to help my children, regardless of how justified I feel I am.

I made the error one night of getting caught ‘running a red light’. I was make a right hand turn and did one of those slow down, check for cars, and go through. Of course, I got caught and I was mad. What made it worse for me was that I had two children asleep in the car (we were on the road at 11:00 pm after the week on holiday) and the office shined his flashlight into their faces and woke them up. Once we were done, I muttered something (I can’t remember what) and one of the kids overheard me. I know I shouldn’t have said what I did. It is never right to insult someone, especially when they are not around to defend themselves. I took responsibility for my actions and told my child that I was upset that I was not being as careful as I should when I was driving and I was given a ticket but that the officer was only doing his job, checking to make sure that everyone was safe in our car, which they were. I want my children to respect all people, regardless if they are in a position or authority or not. If you really feel the need to criticize someone, then go tell them rather than ranting about it and not giving them the opportunity to explain themselves.

“So when a school makes a mistake, you react in the same way they did, by going to the extreme of “banning” all of your trust in them. If you make a mistake as a parent, you would hope that others would cut you some slack, and forgive you for being human.”

If I saw the error of my ways, I’d hope they’d forgive me. They can’t exactly forgive me if I just keep doing the same dumb thing over and over without admitting I was wrongt, though, because I wouldn’t be wanting forgiveness, I’d be asking for agreement that I’ve nothing to be sorry for. They can overlook my faults, sure — and I’m not suggesting that these people be burned at the stake or anything, just that they’ve most certainly forfeited any kind of implicit “trust” some seem to think I should extend.

Look, I’m not saying you immediately assume a 100% hostile stance because of one thing they do wrong. I’m saying you can’t cut them slack and just assume they’ll always do the right thing when right in front of you, they are doing something that is OBVIOUSLY AND INARGUABLY STUPID. That doesn’t mean that I think that everything they do in the future will be stupid, but it does mean I can’t just lean back and “trust” that their next decision will be wise — I’m going to have to relinquish trust, for a more cautious approach.

“There are also many kids who are not part of the inner circle that are excluded from these hug-ins and where does that leave them?”

Not hugging? I think this is the problem in thinking for most of these rules – that all people need to be included or it needs to be banned. There are always going to be people left out. Heck, last night the other ladies from work went out for dinner and I wasn’t invited (my lack of babysitter is well known and they didn’t want my child to come). Yes, a part of me felt left out, although I completely understood why I was not invited. I’ll live. I am not scarred for life.

Bullying should not be tolerated, but life is never going to be a utopia of inclusiveness. People are always going to prefer some individuals over others. Some people are always going to be outside the “inner circle” looking in. Feelings are going to get hurt. We can’t create a perfect childhood for our children and they will ultimately a lot happier if we teach them to find their own nook in life rather than trying to force some showing of utopia that we all know doesn’t exist.

Further, these rules don’t work. The unhugging kids are still not part of the inner circle. Not calling someone your “best friend” does not make you stop preferring that person’s company above all others. Insisting that everyone be invited to a birthday party doesn’t actually make the birthday girl want all the children there and the recipient KNOWS they are not really wanted so the invitation is not a positive for her.

FYI, I’m not really supporting allowing children to hug at every meeting. That’s just ridiculous.

Z-girl, I haven’t given up on schools. I have given up on the system that is used in the majority of schools. Most public schools as they are now operated were created with the philosophy of making a willing workforce that would follow the directions. I would rather follow a different philosophical model. Which was not something that I really learned about when I was getting my teacher certificate, because I have always felt that learning was something to be loved, not a means to a compliant work force.

My kids are actually enrolled in a public school, but we use a homeschooling model that allows my kids to take a few classes at the school, but do the majority of their learning at home. This model best serves the needs of my kids, who have various needs that are outside “normal.”

After my kids all graduate, it is my hope to replicate a wonderful program of parent liaisons, where a non-school person helps serve as mediator between issues at the school and home. The community where I saw this working really loved this – both the parents and the schools.

Schools should be able to serve every kid. Size has a lot to do with the inability to serve each kid. As some one else said, I am not going to allow my kids “to take one for the team.” There are options. I do have plans to help make schools better, just not at the expense of my own kids.

The school where I taught, and where my daughter started school, had major things, more than just one stupid rule. The problems were system wide, and one parent was going to be able to do very little to change it. One stupid rule, sure, I can take that on. But the whole system…not worth my children’s education.

I resent how all schools get tarred with this brush. If you walked in my school at 7 am you would witness
1. A member of administration core team greeting kids and talking to parents. The greeting might be a word, a high five, a slap on the back, or a hug.

2. In the caf 2nd member of core team greets students same way. This person makes sure kids get breakfast and to any early morning tutorials.

3. Cafeteria 3 teacher aides (all certified teachers looking for teaching jobs in this time of RIFs.) Supervising kids – more hugs and high fives. Spotting kids who might have had a rough night. Johnny did you have to drive into M.D. Anderson for Mom’s treatment last night. Yes well do you want to go take a nap in nurse’s office before you start class. Cecil you didn’t get dinner last night – here have 2 breakfasts, I’ll talk to Ms. T. (Ms. T will arrange for Mom to get to the food bank. She got laid off, Dad was killed in a car wreck last year).

4. Tutorials – kids greeted asked what they need help in.

5. Gym quiet kids sit in grade level lines and read.
6. 7:45 bell rings kids walk to class. Greeted in the hallways by aides, specials teachers, and core team. Teachers greet at the classroom door handshakes, high fives, and hugs.

Through out the day kids give us hugs, each other hugs, the principal might walk past a class in the hall and give every kid a high five.

Just yesterday I was a little shocked to read an email in which a teacher friend, describing the joy she felt at a small child’s profound response to a subject under discussion, went on to say, “I felt like squishing her” and she went on “almost broke the child protection policy”.
Now, it does occur to me that ‘squishing’ a child might not always be best pedagogical practice, but just to constrain oneself because of a policy, that just makes the whole learning experience confusing for all.

The school my daughter went to for First Grade banned hugging as well. As a result there seemed to be much more pushing and shoving. Kids need physical contact. If they can’t get good contact, they’ll settle for what I consider to be bad conduct – violent contact.
I talked to the teachers and principal about it after my daughter was pushed to the ground several times one day and no one stepped in. The day before it had happened to another girl – the game was the boys would chase the girls and then push them down.
I said, wow back in my day the boys would chase us and then hug us or kiss us on the cheeks, her response “Oh, we’re not allowed to hug or kiss at school. That’s inappropriate.”
My response – to go ask her teacher and the principal how pushing and shoving were more appropriate than hugging.
Their answer – they were scared of sexual assault lawsuits, so all positive physical contact had been banned.
Mind you, this was in the supposedly uber progressive, liberal town of Boulder, CO.
Needless to say we moved after first grade. Now my kids are allowed to hug, as are teachers.
I volunteer once a week at the school and let me tell you, I hug the bejeezus out of those kids every time I go in. They’re kids. They need hugs.

@thinkbanned thoughts – I LOVE your story!

I just read the “no hugging” article and am appalled. Really? Next, they will be taking away color from elementary schools.

My wish for the idiots responsible for both of these bans is that they should be made to read Rudyard Kipling’s STALKY &COMPANY. Their pointed little heads would explode.

Education Professionals need to be brought to understand that they are not psychiatrists, or social workers, and that they need to limit the amount of meddling they do with children’s attitudes. All of their Pop-Psyche strikes me as likely to convince the kids that the teachers are their implacable enemies, and by extension so are all agents of the State. Which, come to think of it, isn’t a bad lesson to learn, but it shouldn’t be true of the schools. There was a time when Parents had much more local control, and it wasn’t.

slk1 – assuming you are in the US. The no sharing from school trays is NOT a school rule. It is a federal regulation of the free and reduced lunch program. It has a logical beginning.

Parents were coming to school at lunch time with smaller children – and taking their school aged child’s lunch and giving it younger kids. The law that governs the free and reduced lunch program mandates that kids get X number of items and no-one can take food from their tray.

When I taught 4th and 5th grade I went out and got food near the end of the pay cycle. I had kids tell me regularly I had to give my dinner to younger sibling because there wasn’t enough. Our core team now checks with older siblings that they not only had breakfast but dinner the night before.

We also have Lunches of Love program. On Fridays children in need take home lunches for Saturday and Sunday. The oldest sibling at our school gets 2 lunches for every child under 18 in the house. For long weekends they get extra lunches. Over breaks that are a week or more – the charity gets a count of families that will be home during the holiday and comes to the school at a designated time each day to hand out food.

wtf, how do you even enforce the no best friend policy? are just going to seperate every one from every one else and control their lives? just fuck off bitches and let kids live their lives. And for new jersey, are your not even alowed to hug your older sister or brother because you love them? have you guys lost your minds?[oh!! look i found it, its a pile of shit!! no wonder people call you shit heads]

@Clare53- what Ms.Hebert describes is not a “rare” environment but that reality of what most classrooms across North America look like. It’s sad that most people have left school so long ago and bring their baggage about the issues that they had with the school system when they were a child, and push them onto their own children, creating a cycle of disinterest and disrespect towards teachers and the school system. This blog has become more of a “let’s bash teachers and the school system” rather than celebrating the achievements and successes that go on each and every day. I hear a lot of talk here about how we shouldn’t make decisions about not letting our children do something (like walk home alone) because of the few cases of children who go missing but rather focus on the (not-reported) cases of millions of children who arrive home safely each day. Can we not do this as well for the school system?

I see a lot more people here complaining that people are condemning all schools over this, than people condemning all schools over this. I guess there are a handful of comments with that tone, but I think if you see that in many of the comments, you’re inferring a blanket condemnation that isn’t there, from a sharp criticism of *the particular situation we’re discussing.*

@Jenn. If I understand your comment to be directed at me, your assumptions are wrong Jenn. I have first hand, and recent knowledge of urban schools. I have CA teaching credential, gained in 2009. I was so appalled by the public school system I decided to take my two masters degrees and add a PhD to them, which I am working on now.

Furthermore, I did not “leave school so long ago and bring baggage about the issues that I had with the school system when I was a child” to this forum. I went to grade school in the 60s and high school in the 70s. That’s when CA schools were the top rated in the nation. And when America’s schools were the top rated in the world. Now our schools spend their time evading frivolous lawsuits and wrapping kids in cellophane. I’m sorry you don’t like the tone these articles produced, but something IS rotten in Denmark. Didn’t you see the latest study that came out this week? A great many of our high school kids read at 5th grade level. I believe it alright, because I am now teaching many of them who somehow make it into college and cannot write their way out of a paper bag. Lacking that skill usually indicates a reading weakness in the background. I believe it because of what I saw in the high schools while getting my teaching degree. I believe it because my dissertation work requires my accumulating stories exactly like the ones that started this thread and there are dozens and dozens of such stories. I have seen what happens to good teachers who are simply compassionate people who care deeply about kids, and then their actions become twisted in the mind of perverted people.

So while our kids can’t even read at high school level and our graduation rate nationwide hovers around 75%. In France the last year of the Lycee (high school) is devoted to philosophy. It’s the year the students really delve into the great questions and put together what they’ve learned, reading Sartre, Heidegger, Kant, Foucault, Nietzsche. Contrast this with taking slide-by classes to get through the senior year and reading books at a 5th grade level.

Donna, Thank you for defending schools and explaining how the testing works. But please do not call the kids who go to vocational schools dumb. Some very intelligent people are more suited to vocational type training.

Another thing people should know is that under No child left behind no teacher left standing ever single child is tested. That means tomorrow (March 27, 2012) across Texas children who have severe developmental delays, children who will always need some type of guardian to protect them are being force to take the STAAR test. This is no longer a test designed to test them at their level but will test them at a standard grade level.

I am not talking about kids with LD’s, who often have above normal intellegence but problems processing information. But children who often are non verbal, with severe brain damage of one type or another.

Thank you President Bush. President Obama get busy repealing this stupid law.

When statistics say that there are more high school student reading at a grade 5 level, it’s because in the past (up to the early 90’s) students with special needs were often excluded from the education system but are now integrated. The data from previous generations is skewed because you have taken out of the equation almost 75% of our identified kids today. Special needs students only in recent years have received full rights in the education system (and within society). But with integration, it means that you sometimes have a classroom teacher is not fully versed in that particular disability, a wide variety of ability and learning ranges and then kids with behaviour problems in today’s classroom. Our high school graduation rates have climbed and we have fewer students being held behind (along with that fewer kids being promoted early). We have more ESL and ELL students due to immigration too! The average student does not receive the same attention as they did in the past. I’m surprised that a Phd candidate, can’t see the flaws in the statistics. You say that kids can’t read but at the same time, maybe those `failing’ readers are astronomical mathematicians, athletes, musicians or student leaders. Classrooms today work with the testing that we have to do and look at the whole child via multiple intelligences. Looking only at reading statistics isn’t a measure of how well or poorly the education system is doing.

Claire, that study said that many students are CHOOSING BOOKS on a 5th grade level, not that they can’t read harder books.

It may be that they can’t read harder books, but when books as diverse as The Hunger Games, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Outsiders, and Of Mice and Men are all listed as being on a “fifth grade level”, you can see that the leveling system is fairly meaningless.

Indeed, different leveling systems will assign wildly varying levels to the same book. A book that’s “appropriate for first grade” in one system will be on a third grade level in another, and a fourth in another still! At best, they only measure how hard it is to decode sentences and how common the vocabulary words are – and they still manage to disagree with each other!

High schoolers might, as a group, have a problem with reading comprehension. Then again, you, as an individual, might have a problem with reading comprehension. You’re making claims that this study never did. (Incidentally, “all right” is two words, not one.)

You know, I was a little too harsh. Leveling systems aren’t ENTIRELY meaningless. In the lower grades, and with people who are learning how to read still, they can be useful for picking books that are challenging but not frustrating. That’s their purpose, and no matter how contradictory they are they DO work well enough for that purpose.

However, the higher the level and complexity, the less useful they become. And at any rate, if you’re using the reading level of chosen books – either by the reader or by their teachers – to assess the reading level of the students, you’re doing it wrong.

Donna, I agree with all that — but still, there’s no reason it shouldn’t be possible for every developmentally/neurologically normal kid to read at something higher than a 5th grade level after 13 years of education (or sooner, or whatever.) I didn’t mean to say it’s all the fault of a deficiency in the schools, but it should still be possible. It’s still a real problem that some number as high as 25% can’t.

But I also thank Uly for the clarification about what the study actually said. There is a HUGE difference between “choose to read at level X” and “can only read at level X.”

But I wonder why you refer to the love triangle in THG as “gratuitously” convoluted. It seems fairly essential to plot and character motivation, actually.

I thought The Hunger Games series was one of the best new things I’ve come across since I-can’t-remember-when. Harry Potter is a really good series — there’s a great storyline buried under all the awkward writing style and narrative clutter, not to mention just the sheer fun of the magical atmosphere. But the The Hunger Games is “clean” writing, reasonably tight story-telling, and a really compelling concept.

I suspect the reason that a lot of us grownup types like the kid lit/YA stuff is that so much adult lit that takes itself at all seriously (i.e. isn’t pure pulp) takes itself entirely TOO seriously a lot of the time. Kid lit is just more fun.

Do they realize that many children who do not experience the physical attention and affection they need in earlier years often have a hard time feeling confident, being compassionate, making social connections, and in response reach out to others for that affection in the form of sex, even in middle school? Do they realize a child who is being molested may allow it for longer because at least they’re getting some damn attention, just as long as the person smiles and says “good boy, good girl”? Do they realize these kids that don’t ever HAVE best friends become very lonely later and life and have a harder time socially and in handling emotional problems, especially emotional loss, like of a friend? How about the fact they are more likely to stay in an abusive relationship, just to have SOMEONE. What the heck! The education system is doing us no good. Let’s make kids go to school on the computer, never leave the house without a parental figure, and never make contact with non-family until they’re eighteen. Problem solved, right? Oh wait, no. Just a lot of promiscuous, unstable, needy, socially inept adults who will always have the emotional, socially, and physical skills of a…. Well, not normal five year old. The five year olds who grew up normal will be fine, were always more fine…

I would like to add something though before people think I hate the school system: I was being dramatic and saying to ban everything that could possibly be bad, not actually saying I hate schools. I love my school. Not everything and everyone in it, but I love my school.

I have also read all the comments on here because I wasn’t ready to go to bed. Well, some people on here are kinda coming off crazy or as mind-numbingly ignorant to the point. So now I can’t have a voice, just trust authority? Now my parents are bad people for standing up to schools for me? Don’t go to school, EVERYONE has to homeschool? Put bans on everything or nothing? Support the schools more? All schools automatically care about the kids so don’t question them? These things are nonsense. My word of caution is to agree or disagree too quickly is the wrong thing – but to be ignorant just to be ignorant is worse. Naivete is one thing, ignorance another.

Same goes to the school. The school is ignoring the problem by banning it instead of addressing it. If they honestly said “Hey, we’ve had a few complaints that these things are problems. We’re putting out a poll to find suitable solutions from the public, though final say is ours. Please feel free to feedback before and after disciplinary changes and we’ll do our best” – that would be naivete to the issue and then discovery and then action. Just banning it is ignoring what will become a hot mess in middle school and high school.