The human condition is not one of calm seas and sated hearts. That’s why so many religions work so hard to get us there. The latest is the “Know Everything Your Child is doing/saying/hearing/reading/eating/trying/licking and Peace Will Be Yours.”
Um…right. So here’s the wise note from a mom who remains anonymous – and a little nervous. This, she notes, is just what it means to be a parent. It’s a condition that cannot be changed, even with today’s tracking devices that promise to give us parental “peace of mind.” As if!
Dear Let Grow:
As the mother of two teenagers, I can appreciate how it feels to lose your peace of mind. I never worried about them walking a half mile to the ice cream place when they were younger, or any of the traditional “stranger-danger.” But now, there are times that I worry because the rope is much longer, and quite frankly, there have been times when they’ve gotten into trouble. I already know they won’t do the right thing 100% of the time. (And yes, I do pull back when this happens, but I can’t lock them in their rooms until they are 18…)
I bring this up here because I totally get how bad it feels to worry, but I think parents are on the wrong track toward easing their peace of mind. Maybe you think you can rest easy with a tracking app, but what are you going to do in the next situation? Parents need to get comfortable with being a little nervous when their kids are out and about. Take it from me, someone who never worried about this stuff when they were younger. You have got to let them go eventually. Better to do it in small increments, not only for them but for you.
Absolute safety does not exist.
Let Grow Here: I found this note fascinating because it made me see the parallel between demanding “absolute safety” — an impossible goal — and demanding “peace of mind,” another impossibility.
When we think that the only time we can let our kids have any independence is when we can be CERTAIN nothing “bad” will happen, we can’t give them that independence at all. There’s a reason only 11% of kids walk to school these days. “What if something bad happens on the way?” is the question we ask — or are told to ask — before we let them go. The mere possibility of “something bad” happening is enough to trigger all sorts of discomfort. So, we hustle the kids into the car. (Which, for the record, is where most child fatalities occur!) The thing is: Once we think that peace of mind is something we CAN and MUST have, we are driven mad by our desire to achieve it.
How to live with that awful truth.
So, how can we reprogram ourselves?
One way is to remember, first and foremost, that the folks peddling “Peace of mind” are really peddling fear, because fear sells. Their job is to scare you enough that you buy their product. Period.
Another way is to recognize that while we may tell ourselves this desire for absolute safety is for our children’s sake, it’s really for our OWN. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable, and if that means our kids lose out on all the joy we relished at their age, from walking to a friend’s, to playing night tag — so be it.
How can we learn to live with the uncertainty that none of us enjoy? The age-old answer is simple: Practice.
Trusting trust, not certainty.
Practice letting go and the fear lifts, at least a little. Meantime, your kids become a little more resilient and street-smart, which also helps lift our fear. It’s a long process and at this point – my kids are now in their 20s – I am coming to realize it doesn’t end. But it does get easier.
So, here’s a tip: Jump in and get started on resilience building: yours and your kids’. The Let Grow Experience can help – a class or school gets a whole bunch of students to go home and do something new, ON THEIR OWN. All our materials are free!
Or you and your child can take our Pledge of Independence, perfect for the New Year, and we’ll send you one fun, independence-building idea a week for 10 weeks. Also, free!
Whose anxiety is it anyway?
When kids do something on their own and come home flushed and giddy – or even a little worse for the wear, but unbowed — the fear filling our hearts gets displaced by pride. It’s not quite peace of mind.
But it makes it much easier to let the kids out the next time.
Framed this way, the tiny bit of risk inherent in all childhood, and all parenting, may become something we can live with…for the sake of our kids.
2 Comments
This is literally true. If you know your kids are competent and will come home with all their body parts, there’s not much to worry about. But when everything is scary, you worry about everything, and there IS no safety.
Safety comes from competence, not from hiding under bubble wrap. Competence comes from judicious experience.
Bravo Lenore! I agree wholeheartedly w/ most everything. I quibble only w/ insisting advances must come a little bit at a time. Life doesn’t necessarily unfold that way. IMO another thing adults ought to recognize they can’t control: expecting, attempting to always do so bound to harm. I gather it was no little advance when your son asked to ride the subway home himself and you outrageously got called “The World’s Worst Mom” for heroically acquiescing. From here, it sounds to me you would urge people instead
to respond: “Oh no. That’s too big a step. How about just riding alone to the next subway stop and we’ll hook up there. And make sure all your adventures just be one small step at a time.” Raising me so would have been disastrous. I agree upbringing must be upbringings. With the increased independence this entail; adults reliquishing control. Kids WILL become adults in most all cases. Even in the face of discouraging setbacks, upbringings must ultimately proceed as time unfolds.