You Mean Not Every Candy-Giver is a Predator?

I’m so glad you posted this story, Lenore! I almost emailed it to you, as Sugar Grove (where it happened) is about 5 minutes from where I live. In fact, when the first part of the story broke (and people thought it was real abduction attempt), people I knew were posting warnings all over Facebook and emailing it around. You know…the weird thing is, now that it has been shown to be an innocent thing…not a single one of those people printed or emailed the true story. So, unless their friends saw this follow up story, they still think there is an evil elderly couple out there trying to lure their kids with candy. Only one of the ways societal fears are reinforced.

What’s also great about this is — the boy did EXACTLY what he should do….and he did it without any other adults present with him at the bus stop!!

There you go. In some places, people assume an 11 yo boy will fall victim of an elderly couple.
In other, three 11yo’s rescue a 7 yo who fell over and was trapped in the mud. The kids were fishing crabs (on their own), and found the little one slowly sinking. They rescued him, and that was that. Well, quite. “Drastic” measures have been taken to ensure safety: the Council has covered the swamp up with sand.

http://www.ideal.es/jaen/v/20110409/provincia/tres-ninos-once-anos-20110409.html

Sorry. Local news, in Spanish only.

I don’t know… it seems a little strange to me, offering lone stranger children candy out of your car. I mean, I’m not saying that the the grandparents are prowling pedophiles, but that behaviour does strike me as strange and a little creepy.

I mean, offering candy to your grandchild’s friends who you’ve met, fine, offering candy at a gathering such as a church or a fete or something, fine, offering candy as a promotional campaign, fine… but approaching and then handing candy to random children getting off the bus? No. Sorry. That worries me a little.

Hey N.

Sugar free candy makes for terrible farts. That’s what the real concern was.

My father just passed away a few weeks ago. He had a little lollipop tree in his house, that each child who visited got to pick from. It was my children’s favorite.
After he passed, my daughter took 15 lollipops from the tree to give to her pre-k class.
She wasn’t allowed to give them out and tell them about her Pop Pop. They are now a choking hazzard for 4-5 year olds.

@ Sera: I don’t find it strange at all. I grew up in a time where strangers offered me candy, even taking me to the corner store (that’s on my way home) to get me to pick what chocolate bar I wanted. I knew about not talking to strangers, but I also knew that not all strangers were bad, that I learned to distinguish good from bad intentions. I was 7 and nothing ever bad happened to me. This older couple lived in a time that was even more lax than when I grew up. So what they did was completely normal to them, and normal to society in their time. And for all intent and purpose, nowadays, people have made something that’s been normal for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years not so normal. Because everything that isn’t normal (extreme paranoia and lack of common sense) has become the norm. It’s a sad world when the first thing people think is bad intentions. Even more pathetic, that they think it from the elderly. One day they will be that old. And the smile and happiness of a child, any child, is the only thing that brings them joy in their later years. Then someone will treat them just like they treated the elderly in their younger days. May karma slap them in the face, and they go through the humiliation and disrespect they inflicted themselves.

“…he had been warned not to do that because people would not understand his intent.” That comment resonates within me. Are people really that far gone, that they can’t tell when someone is being nice because they are nice people? That they automatically assume they have devious intentions? As I’ve always said, I hold more reservations towards these parents than strangers doing something nice. Perverted minds beget perverted thoughts. And what is the first thing that these parents think? Perverted thoughts. Makes you wonder who the “bad” people are.

Yes, once again, the key is to instruct our kids on what to do. When I was a kid, it was beaten into my head that you don’t take candy from a stranger and never get into a car with a stranger. My dad had a scary story that he used to tell to remind us that you should never go off into closed quarters alone with a stranger, no matter what wonderful things he offered you.

So if an old person would have offered me candy, I would have at least hesitated, looked them up and down, made sure I could run away if necessary, and considered whether the candy looked (a) tampered with or (b) tasty enough to risk a reprimand from my parents. And then I either would have said “thank you” or “no, thank you” depending on my analysis. I certainly accepted kindness at times, not because I was too foolish to know of the risks, but because I could sense good and not-so-good intentions.

To me, this makes a lot more sense than criminalizing random acts of kindness.

I also think people would be less paranoid if it were still the norm for kids to hang out together, either with siblings or neighbor kids. Is it just me, or does it seem that there are a lot fewer kids in neighborhoods nowadays?

@Eric, I use my cognitive functions daily. No need to be insulting because I come to different conclusions that you do.

@Sera — I’m with you! I and my child smile at elderly folks daily. We talk to all kinds of people. We like to think we make their day. We politely say “no, thank you” to offers of treats from people we don’t know. This is the behaviour my mother taught me, in the 60s, and her mother taught her, in the 30s. In small towns. We didn’t accept rides from strangers, either.

Though I am not afraid of every person who greets my son, I would be disturbed by anyone, elderly or otherwise, offering him anything from their vehicle, especially if he was alone. It’s not appropriate behaviour and I don’t think it ever really has been. I agree it’s a bit creepy.

As for “can’t I tell when someone is being nice because they’re nice people”? People take advantage of each other all the time, so I guess we’re not all as good at that as we’d like to think. And, well, the elderly being human beings like the rest of us, they have the same range of nice or not nice as the rest of us. Assuming otherwise is really being ageist.

In this case, great, the child did exactly what he should have. Yay for his parents, who must have taught him well. And I think it’s great that the police investigated. Sounds like they acted on their findings appropriately, too…no charges laid, right? And kudos to the Chicago Sun-Times for publishing the whole story, not just the scare-mongering part.

“They never gave me candy from their pockets, they would always take me into the store and let me pick which candy I wanted. They paid for it, told me to not spoil my dinner too much, and to be careful crossing the street.”

@EricS – I see nothing wrong with this behavior at all. The article made it sound like the grandparents were sitting in a car giving kids candy from their pockets. Not doing what you described. If the behavior was what you described, I don’t think anyone would have seen the problem.

Also, judging by the way this article is written – it sounds like the grandparents were virtual strangers to the kids. A boy wouldn’t go tell the police that Bobby’s grandpa tried to give him candy, he would either say thanks or no thanks. Instead, he reported to police that a person he didn’t know was handing out candy.

Perhaps a better move by the grandparents would have been to set up folding chairs on the sidewalk and have a bag of store bought wrapped candy on their lap and greet all the kids who got off the bus and their parents. Do this enough times and everyone knows you and you know everyone. Its endearing and special. Sit in a car and do it once and awhile – its creepy.

@AnotherAnon – Again, that’s not weird. You were sharing your treat that you were enjoying. I would allow my kid to take candy in that situation too.

That isn’t creepy.

Tuppence, little old ladies can be dangerous! True story, when my father drove cab in New Orleans, the worst robbery he ever had was from a little old lady. Frail and helpless until she got a knife on him. He spent the next day or so (according to my mother) trying to work out how that had happened to him.

But you know, she didn’t give him any candy. I think he got cheated 🙂

@ Frances: I don’t mean to be insulting to anyone. I’m just stating fact through experience and observation. Anyone that is insulted, is only because they find some truth to it, which means they’re beliefs is partially flawed and therefore can’t accept it. Just like when people feel guilty. They feel guilt because at some level they are. There is no difference now than 20, 30, 40 even 100 years ago. When you look at people as a whole. People haven’t changed in thousands of years. What has changed is technology. News is easily distributed by all sorts of mediums. So every little thing that happens, the world knows. Then the world starts to fear that it’s an epidemic (when in reality statistics show we have less crime now than in earlier years). So one friend tells another, and because of their own fears, they make an issue of it. Then they spread their belief to other insecure, paranoid parents. And so on, and so on. That is what has happened in the last 20 years. Since the boom of the internet. People have become more fearful. So no, how people think today isn’t normal. By hundreds of years standards.

If some elderly person offered my kid a candy from their car, I wouldn’t freak. Because my kid would already know how to deal with that situation. He’s very intelligent, he’s street smart already, he’s confident and I trust him. NOTHING bad has happened to him. He tells me everything that has happened to him that day. If ever there was something that needed to be addressed, we sit down and we go through it. So that next time it happens, he’s well equipped to deal with it. At the end of the day, we all have peace of mind, we don’t shun the world, and we don’t fear it. At the same time, he’s learning how to be sociable, caring, forgiving, and understanding.

@ Elissa: that’s what YOU would do. What would be your basis to “runaway” from this person? Exactly. Now your fears become your children’s. They grow up fearing the world just like you. How do you think that will affect them as they get older? Based on the way people think these days, whether they gave it right out of their pocket, or they walked the child into a store, they WILL think the worse. After all they are total strangers. Stranger danger mentality. It’s sad, but true.

@ Tuppence: I think that media plays a huge role in who people think and view things. It’s like we’ve been saying. It’s just fact that before the internet, there was never this much paranoia among parents. There were rarely TV shows that depicted crimes against children. There were some shows that had an episode about crimes against children. But not to the degree that it is now. But it’s not even all about media, it also has a lot to do with how people take these news, stories, shows, gossip, etc… People are letting their fears over power their common sense. Let me make one thing clear, it’s not that people don’t have common sense, but that they don’t use it because their fears rationalize things for them. So although they do have common sense, they act and respond to things as if they don’t. That’s why we say “people don’t have common sense”. For all intent and purpose, because they don’t use it, it’s safe to say they “don’t” have any.

ANYONE can be dangerous. ANYONE. That includes little kids. But does that mean we should start thinking EVERYONE is dangerous? Again, this paranoia mentality of people these days is liken to OCD. OCD is NOT a good thing. People have been conditioned to think the way they do, they can be reconditioned to think the way we used. There is nothing about our society these days that warrant paranoia. It’s people’s own fears that dictate how they live and deal with life, not the world. Just like anything else, you have a choice. You can choose to live in fear, your can choose not to. It’s one’s own choice. But one is far more beneficial than the other. The other messed up thing about fearful people, is that they are selective of what they choose to fear. More often than not based on what is convenient for them. ie. A mother can be over protective of her kids. But would choose to j-walk on a busy street, with kids in tow, because she’s too lazy to walk to the lights and back down again on the other side of the street. Yes, I see this constantly. I’ve asked and that’s what some have said. Some I’ve confronted about it, and either they will look down and mumble, like a child that was scolded for doing something they know they shouldn’t have done. Or they would get all defensive, mumble beneath their voice, and storm off.

Oh my gosh, I couldn’t stop laughing after reading this article. How ridiculous.

Elissa, I think you need some space between “what I wouldn’t do” and “what I’m not comfortable with” on the one hand, and “weird” on the other.

If you’re not comfortable with your kids taking candy in a situation like this, by all means, don’t let them. But “weird” is a disparaging term and it isn’t right to disparage these people unless you know for some reason that there’s something unwholesome about what they’re doing, as opposed to just something you wouldn’t do or be comfortable with.

@Pentamom – According to Miriam Webster – Weird – (adj): Strange or of extraordinary character; odd.

I find it weird/odd/strange when adults in cars ask kids if they want candy.

@EricS – get off your high horse. I am not at all afraid of the world. I don’t see how not wanting to take candy/food/anything from random people on the street means I’m afraid of the world. I don’t take samples from sample plates either because I don’t know who touched it and with what. Last week at Costco I saw some lady taking sips out of various Dixie cups and putting them back on the tray! Some mom checked her kids diaper to see if it was wet (you know, the finger in the leg hole routine) then proceeded to touch some of the nut cup samples until she found one she liked. I see how many ladies leave the bathroom without washing their hands. *gag*

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t thank the person politely or otherwise engage them in conversation, or encourage my children to do the same. I’m saying I wouldn’t eat what their offering, nor would I encourage my kid to. Its like teaching a kid not to eat dirt. Will they eat dirt – yes, but preferably not on a regular basis.

@Sera – EXACTLY! There is NOTHING inherently wrong with unknown adults giving children candy. Hello? Isn’t that what Halloween is essentially all about?

Its the totality of this situation that makes this so disturbing.

On another note – why are we not celebrating this kid? He did EXACTLY what a free-range parent would hope to have happen. He felt uncomfortable and sought out help from another stranger – one he felt he could trust. So clearly he has been equipped with the knowledge that not all unknown adults are bad.

Rather than defending the weird/odd/strange behavior of the adults, lets applaud the kid!

@ Elissa: the kid did a great job. But that’s not the issue. The issue is how the ADULTS are dealing with the situation. Instead of thinking of who these elderly people are, perhaps they’re someone’s…oh…grandparents? We do have those. Most people think PERVERTS right off the bat. THAT is the issue here. Shoot first ask questions later. Bring out the noose and sling it over the tree limb, before actually finding out what the whole story is. Or who they really are. Just put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you been chastised for something that wasn’t true. If your like any human being with feelings, you’d be angry, insulted, hurt, and humiliated. I doubt you could just smile and ignore it. Especially if it’s right there in black and white in the papers. Classic saying “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Words everyone should live by day in day out. It would be a much better world if we all did.

@EricS – How is what the kid did not the issue? Clearly, there was enough concern on his part that he felt he should tell someone. Clearly the kid didn’t think “oh, those could be my grandparents” because they were acting in a way that was different than the way his grandparents acted. He didn’t think “oh, that’s Bobby’s grandpa. He’s an odd one but harmless” No, he saw a behavior that disturbed him.

The article also goes on to say that the grandparents were warned by their daughter that their actions could be misinterpreted – which means that SHE thought they were doing something not quite right as well. If the daughter had thought that there was NO WAY grandpa’s actions could be misconstrued, I doubt she would have warned him.

Clearly there is a problem with Grandpa’s delivery here. It creeps out the kids and puts adults on alert.

Again – we don’t have the whole story of what happened from the article but there is a big difference between some strange old man going up to a kid saying “want some candy, little boy?” and a friendly old man sitting by the bus stop with a bag of candy, waiting for his grand kid and offering candy to other kids. The former is creepy the later is friendly and part of being in a mixed age community.

Ahh, this reminds me of the family story about my parents asking me, aged four, what I would do if a stranger offered me candy. They were expecting me to say I’d scream, say no, run away, etc. Instead, I promptly said, “I’d ask what kind it was first.” No way was I getting kidnapped for second-rate candy!

When my daughter was little, I did teach her not to accept or eat anything from someone she didn’t know *unless* her father or I said it was OK. She got a lot of practice in asking first, because her dad’s family is from an Asian country and in their culture, it’s very common for adults to offer sweets and money to any children they happen to interact with. It seemed like a good balance between “never take anything from anyone ever” and “sure, go ahead and hop into that guy’s car to get a lollipop.”

@Vanessa — that will be my approach too, when my child is old enough to have candy.

@Donna — your point about the couple’s mental status is a good one. But I’m not sure I agree that we should judge the elderly by different standards than everybody else. Isn’t that kind of ageist?

I was talking about this with my hubby tonight & he said, right off, “why does it matter how old the couple were?”. It’s a good point. Would we be accepting of this story if it were a middle-aged couple? Or teenagers?

@Frances — Just want to say, (and not getting into any other issue(s) here, just want to comment on the one thing) the point with the nation as a whole watching so much television, means it may be infecting the nation’s psyche. And may define what a country generally consider normal or odd, and that then affects everyone, even people who don’t watch a lot of television.

So things that would right away be suspicious in a fictitious scenario (because in a story the drama needs to develop, not just come all at once, and so “clues” + it always helps when the audience is more aware than the character playing the role — No little boy, don’t take that candy from that weird couple in the car! — are built in), might start to seem odd in real life. Why is that couple giving out candy from their car? Must be something coming (as we are certain there would be in a TV show). But in real life, it is what it is, and stops there. No dramatic payoff in the end.

Of course I don’t know if the theory is true, just want to point out, if it were, a single person wouldn’t have to watch a lot of TV to be affected by the mentality it encourages. And it would mean a person would have to actively re-think, and work against, what is considered “normal” in his or her society. Never an easy thing.

“In other, three 11yo’s rescue a 7 yo who fell over and was trapped in the mud. The kids were fishing crabs (on their own), and found the little one slowly sinking. They rescued him, and that was that. Well, quite. “Drastic” measures have been taken to ensure safety: the Council has covered the swamp up with sand”

And in the UK last year, police rescue workers left children to drown in a pond because they lacked “safety equipment” (for themselves of course) to get them out.
They did prevent anyone else from coming near and put themselves in harm’s way to perform the rescue of course, because you can’t allow people to hurt themselves, even if it is to save others…

Tuppence — I’ve often thought the same. Some children have been horribly abused in ways that really do scar them for life. But one unfortunate, disgusting encounter with someone is not the end of any hope for a healthy life for a child, yet in people’s fears, it seems to amount to that. These things need to be assessed more rationally, and people need to understand the difference between maintaining a sense of proportion, and being indifferent or taking things too lightly.

Tuppence, I’m glad you ased the question. It may depend on the individual. Also, in my case, there was “grooming” involved as it was a family friend and not a stranger. He also gave me hush money afterwards, which I accepted in order to feel like I’d “hurt him back,” but later made me feel disgusted with myself, as if I’d prostituted myself. I felt guilty / disappointed with myself in many ways. Although I hadn’t “come on” to him, there were behaviors I should have run from, but instead I went along with them. Of course, this guilt was in hindsight only, but that doesn’t always compute with a 12-year-old. I didn’t dare tell anyone who could help me think through it in a healthy way – I pictured my dad storming over and getting violent with the guy or giving him a heart attack. I was sure my mom would blame me for bringing it on myself if she knew all the facts. The first person in my family that I told was my brother, six years later, when I was 18.

Being molested (even relatively mildly – I was fondled, not raped) was probably a big factor in why I shied away from boy-girl relationships as a teen and young adult. Could have something to do with the fact that I never married – I don’t know. Surely there were other factors, but I have no doubt it had a lasting effect. I did eventually get over it, as an adult.

I can only imagine how much worse things would have been had I been actually raped or otherwise victimized, especially over a course of time.

I don’t take child molestation lightly. However, my concern is that kids be strong enough to (a) run away from it when they sense it and (b) deal with it as well as possible if it does happen. I don’t believe that keeping kids away from the outside world will prevent molestation – it usually happens with family/friends. I knew a girl who was raped by her grandfather, uncle, and brother, at least. Yet after all that her parents beat her and practically chained her indoors when they found out she was flirting with boys. (Needless to say their efforts backfired big-time, but that’s a discussion for a different day.)

Honestly, this topic is on my heart a lot as I raise my girls. Molestation happens. But that doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of people in this world are good, and that means (a) they deserve my kids’ love, trust, and respect, and (b) my kids deserve their love. Keeping my kids away from true live in order to protect them from perversion seems . . . perverted.

Meant “true love,” not “true live” in my last sentence above.

SKL, I appreciate your being so candid. Need I say how much I admire and respect your ability to put your daughters best interests first, and deny being overwhelmed by the very rotten hand that fate once played you? Shows quite a high degree of emotional intelligence, I believe.

The funny thing is, when I was a bit older, I began to realize how common molestation is, and that it even happened to some of the people I thought would judge me for it. So, I am wondering whether it would be a good or bad thing for kids to know this at an earlier age. I mean, if you think you are the only person this ever happened to, you are more likely to think it happened partly because of the kind of person you are. On the other hand, I worry that if we tell kids it’s common, they might be more likely to make up stories about things that didn’t really happen. It’s a tough call.

I think you go with sex, and by extension molestation/rape, is a big deal. But it’s not a life-ending big deal. You can move past it and live a happy, fulfilling life. It doesn’t have to define who you are if you don’t let it.

I personally don’t have any interest in telling my kid about the commonness of molestation. I don’t think the average kid needs to know that. I think you just need to try to foster an open relationship with your kids so they know they can talk to you about anything. If it happens, then it makes sense to explain that they are not the only ones.

“Donna, the only problem with that is, many times the victim is afraid / ashamed to tell anyone. ”

But isn’t that just a factor of how we treat it? If the kid knows he needn’t be afraid/ashamed to tell anything, and doesn’t have some strange mystic aura built up around people touching him in one way or another, why would he be afraid or ashamed (unless maybe if he’s threatened?)

SKL, omg, you jogged my memory, yes – girls did used to say rather dead than raped and have to live with it. Again, upon reflection, this was aided and abetted by the media. Oprah, et. al, needless to say, and recall the the films and made for TV programs at the time. Two examples of this were just on television here last night: “The General’s Daughter” (a late comer to the party, admittedly) and an “Inspector Morse” (1980s) episode about a woman who spends years carrying out an elaborate plan to extract revenge from her rapist (although she had gone on to a very successful career). I guess after those stories got so ordinary that their power to titillate wilted, they moved on to children and molestation. What will be next? The family cat?

Were the intentions benevolent or malignant in all this “the suffering it caused was worse than the crime” broadcasting? Well, the parties involved probably did make a s-load of money off it (s.o. in particular, I mention no names, is one the richest people on earth!). But it doesn’t automatically follow that intentions were nefarious. Still, personally, I find it akin to putting a finger in the wound (and leaving there for a good looong time).

Re. kids and “the talks”. I suspect you’re right SKL, never really works the way the parent hopes it will. I guess it’s another one of those issues where, if we’re being honest, we can only hope for the best.

One of the things that we FRers like to believe we recognize, that helicopters fail to, is acknowledging that a parent cannot control all outcomes. Looks like sometime, we’re gonna have to own it.

On the other hand, I do think it’s important to teach our daughters that their body needs to be protected and respected and all that.

Your children, period. You don’t want your sons thinking they can just go around raping people either, of course. (And I know you didn’t intend to say that, but it’s important to keep bringing up the fact that responsibility goes in several directions.) Apparently, a staggering proportion of men are happy to admit they’ve raped others, so long as you don’t use that word.

Pentamom, can you really ensure your kids feel they “needn’t be afraid/ashamed to tell anything”? I have never met a tween / teen who was that open with his/her parents. Doesn’t everyone have something they keep hidden?

Not necessarily. There was nothing (other than grades, which was moot, I knew my mom knew about them anyway) I felt I should hide from my mother, or that I felt ashamed to admit to her.

HOWEVER, this means very little in this discussion for two reasons.

First, I know I’m atypical in many ways. I’m not always sure which ways, but people often talk about things that “everybody” knows that I don’t. (And in this case, I know where I got that closeness to my mother, and it was pretty much from the fact that our family functioned as a firm unit with little need or interest in other people. It was great in many ways, but most people want their kids to have, you know, friends.)

And second, just because I was willing to talk to my mother about just about anything didn’t mean I actually *did* talk to my mother about just about anything. There were a number of things I didn’t bother to tell her because I figured she knew or because I didn’t think it was much of her business. If she didn’t feel the need to get involved when I got a splinter, why should she get involved when I was being bullied? Wasn’t that my concern? If she’d brought it up I’d’ve been willing to talk about it openly, but it never occurred to me that this was the sort of thing parents might like to know about!

So… yeah, you’re mostly right anyway, I think.

@ Francis: You gave me something to talk about. 😉 You may have not said all that I mentioned. But I’m most certain you felt and thought of them. Much like you took what I was saying the wrong way. It happens, it’s the internet. Things can be taken the wrong way all the time, especially when your heart and mind isn’t in agreement. This is one of those cases where we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.

@ Elissa: what the kid did is not the issue because, we aren’t talking about what the kid did. The “argument” is what the grandfather did. People are saying he’s wrong, some of us are saying he isn’t. It all depends on who’s viewing this. Rewind 20 years ago, you think this would be an issue? No it wouldn’t. Most people back then would think it was a nice gesture. Fast forward to today, a lot of people are so influenced by media that they’ve become all paranoid, and ALL acts of kindness, and friendly intentions by strangers are automatically considered predatory. That’s so ridiculous. And regarding the daughter “warning” her father, you can also view it as she knows how a lot of people think these days. And didn’t want her father to get into trouble for being nice. NOT because “…SHE thought they were doing something not quite right as well.” Because, there have been incidences were people’s kind actions have landed them in jail, a visit from child services, and the police. Now what would you do knowing that, and knowing your father was a kind soul who never hurt a fly? You’d warn him just the same.

@Socalledauthor: “Um, I would say the kids saw behavior that distrubed him because he was trained that all adults who take an interest in him are dirty, creepy, evil child-molesters. That’s not a healthy attitude.” That is valid point too. Thanks for bringing that up.

And in regards to posts about children being able to talk to their parents about anything. They first have to learn and associate it with positives. Just like Socalledauthor said in his post. Now if the parent(s) explained the children in a more positive way (not freaking them out), they would grow to be more comfortable in talking their parents. Positive begets positive, negative begets negative. That’s just how it is. But being constantly positive doesn’t mean you become complaisant. In fact being positive helps you to be more aware, and confident to deal with the negatives that surround you. When your fearful to begin with, and put in a fearful situation, that negative feeling just becomes even more compounded. But with a positive attitude, you think more clearly, you have more options, and you can easily do what is necessary to protect yourself.